When my MIL says I should be no more than a bystander?

[QueenofLindean]

My intervention, on behalf of my husband, (triggered after our kids had also been on the receiving end of a disproportionate admonishment this morning by MIL) got roundly rebuffed in this way. Making the point that I should be no more than a 'bystander' in a discussion - which had centred on trying to help restore a happy state of mind in my husband - really cut me to the quick - and probably not least as this was the only time in 17 years I have expressed a difference of opinion to my MIL. I was essentially told to butt out when trying to resolve everyone's equanimity. To get perspective, keen to get a sense of the general standing of the role /resps of a daughter in law in other family dynamics? Are you given equal pegging? Feel so churned up that my voice was dismissed by a woman who purports to be all for the sisterhood...

Mil sounds horrible but there is no way I would have told her to put her arm around one if my kids to make them feel loved, but I would stand up against her for her other crap

@cervixuser

Regardless of the rights and wrongs of the situation, it's terribly unkind to tell someone that they are simply a 'bystander' in the family. And people need to stop picking on the OP for her writing style.

^^ This

Well done to those missing the point and going for the jugular responding to the OP’s first foray to MN by criticising her writing style. Breathtakingly mean.

To those who are flaming OP, maybe it’s your reading comprehension that needs to improve

YANBU OP. You were trying to stand up for your family in a way that wouldn’t offend. Your MiL, however, sounds deeply unpleasant and controlling. Worrying about water on the bathroom floor FFS. I’d be relieved that she’s gone. You know for next time to stay elsewhere.

She sounds like an absolute bitch with zero understanding of teenagers.

Let her go. It's her loss. She's the one missing out on that relationship with her grandsons.

How does your DH feel about it all?

Also, how can you possibly be a "bystander" when the mental health of your son is involved?

I feel such a mug tbh that she ever thought me an equal. That a daughter in law mattered. Do other DILs feel their MILs do rate / treat them on a footing akin to having an actual daughter or have I been naive these last 17 years and drawn the short straw w the MIL, though thankfully not with my DH?

This is an overreaction on your part. Why would one falling out mean you’re not an equal and valued part of the family? You’re more likely to fall out/talk directly/be slightly rude to family members than to strangers!

Look, family holiday we ran but wrong - MIL used to lockdown sees her arse about messy teens & apparent lack of parental supervision, DH over-reacts to his mum’s criticism and teen DS reacts to that, everyone is in a huff, and you offer MIL advice on how to resolve it that is poorly received. The end.

Hope you all make up. Don’t let molehills become mountains. Forgiveness and generous amounts of grace are oil to gears of family life.

If OP has come for advise how to handle a situation, though, comprehensible writing would have helped. Because if MIL used the word "bystander" that's not brilliant. If she basically said "I'm talking to my son, butt out for a second" that's a whole other kettle of fish. Same as who is the MIL supposed to hug? Not really clear.

This isn't a creative writing course but asking for clarity isn't unreasonable.

Also is it the ol' MN ageism here? With added "it's a MIL so she's an old cow"?

It really isn't unreasonable not to want to go in a wet bathroom after someone else. Given what we read on MN about DHs and DSs who have appalling aim when using the loo, I don't blame her for bringing it up

@SnarkyBag

Blimey can you rewrite that in standard English please! Reminds me of that episode of Friends when Joey writes a adoption reference and uses the thesaurus to change every word to sound smarter 🤣

@SnarkyBag LOL!!! Dying of laughter at work

My MIL would consider herself the general in the army and me the incompetent toilet cleaner on the army base . Mine has told me that I am not family, not blood, my DC are nothing like me, I am not as clever/ good looking/ have as much personality/ taste/ commonsense as her DD (all not true and their massive insecurities are actually the sources of the problem) and that there is no need for me to make any effort when I meet any of their relatives as I am a no one and no one even knows my name. These are things she has said to me.

At first, it was really hurtful. Then I had loads of fun winding her up. Then (now) I reached a state of indifference which is bliss. Luckily for me, I have a healthy dose of self-esteem from my own massive clan and her words do not penetrate deep. I just think she must be really stupid to shoot herself in the foot when we have her only DGC. She has shot herself in the foot. I want very little to do with her, and I do nothing to facilitate the relationship. My DH can do it, but he doesn't. It was all me. I used to invite her on holidays, days out, meals out, spa days and buy her lovely presents. I didn't want any thanks but just to be treated with humanity. Now I do nothing.

Your MIL has shown you what she thinks of you. Just do not do anything to facilitate the relationship anymore. It is your DH's mother, not yours. Move from being hurt to indifference. It takes practise but when reached it is bliss.

My MIL is very poorly now and needs help. It is not my problem and I have absolutely no compassion for her, which has surprised me because I am a deeply compassionate person. I feel nothing.

Agree re more confusion vs enlightenment but I can see the issue.

The 14yo left a truck tonne of water on the bathroom floor. MIL went into bathroom, probably slipped in it, and then had a go at your DH about it. Instead of saying he would speak with DS about it, she gets a story about DS being able to do what he pleases because everyone’s just glad he has a shower and she is not to point out anything he does wrong. It doesn’t address the initial likely concern that there is water all over the floor, no one at all is cleaning it up and people expect her to be fine with potentially going in, slipping in it and breaking a hip. The solution at this point is she needs to take a risk or it’s left for her to clean as no other solution seems to be offered. Seems like this is a common theme when you describe her being unhappy at the mess in house. No one is taking any responsibility or pulling their weight so either she does it or it doesn’t get done.

To top it off, she is basically told to suck it all up, gaze adoringly at your DS and to give him a hug (who knows if she is even a touchy feely person who does this). Camels back and straw. Her management of disagreements has been through her son, your DH. You have now jumped in for some reason, guessing you thought your DH needed help fighting his battles? She says fuck this for a joke, it’s not a great holiday and leaves.

You feel upset.

It's not clear if you asked her to hug your h or your son but I completely understand why she was pissed off with what you said. You were prolonging the argument with your hug comment- why would you leave son think that you were the only person who loves him if he as w sibling and dad?

Your MIL probably wanted one of you to mop it up or a bit of sympathy for stepping in a puddle on the floor/having to mop it up herself. Would it have been inappropriate to gently say something to your ds after you mopped up? I have a boy of a similar age and sometimes he needs gentle reminders about things like this.

Many parts of this remain unclear but I think I would have told you to leave me alone in that situation too. Keep her bloody house tidy!!!!

Sounds like she was defensive and got the huff because you were making a reasonable point (that a loving mum and grandma can and should show love even when - especially when - she is grumbling).

And like a lot of people she has no idea how to say, "sorry, you do have a point".

I've seen this over and over again and TBH I think they should teach diplomacy and negotiation in schools, because people genuinely wreck lives because they CANNOT SAY, "sorry, I guess I did over-react".

"Sounds like she was defensive and got the huff because you were making a reasonable point (that a loving mum and grandma can and should show love even when - especially when - she is grumbling)."

So, if your kids were acting up and you were asking them to sort something out, you'd appreciate another family member asking you to just show them some love?

To those who are flaming OP, maybe it is you reading comprehension that needs to improve.

I don’t think so. There is definitely nothing wrong with my reading comprehension, it has been tested during my life several times for various reasons and is all good. The OP’s posts are unclear because in a failed attempt to sound clever or something, they are using language that doesn’t work and make it hard to work out what actually happened. Using plain English and fewer words where possible is a greater writing skill.

@LegArmpits

He wants you to peg him?

I actually have a migraine after reading this thread

How is ds10 doing amongst all of this? It sounds overwhelming to me!

Is that you Meghan?

The 14yo left a truck tonne of water on the bathroom floor. MIL went into bathroom, probably slipped in it… no one at all is cleaning it up…

Reading comprehension: Poor.
Creative writing skills: Excellent

If you speak how you write I’m not surprised your mil thinks you’re a pain in the arse

I managed Shakespear, Chaucer and Dickens but this post has beaten me. I found Chanticleer's tale easier to follow.

You can always tell the ones where the op has started drinking when started the thread as makes no sense.
Is it that the ops mil was annoyed about the mess the dgc made ? The rest I have no idea .

Maybe you need to see MIL saying "Butt out " as proof that she speaks to you like you were her daughter? Sometimes people who aren't close would be slagging you off behind your back out of politeness.

Your MIL has probably forgotten what it's like to hang out with 4 other people in close quarters, hopefully next time will be less stressful for everyone

By forgotten I don't mean she has dementia or something- I mean because it's been quite long since spending time with your family in the cottage. (Is it big enough for 5 people or are you squeezed in for the sake of a holiday?)

You sound messy and dramatic. What a drama over you not wanting your son to be told not to leave the bathroom floor soaking.