When my MIL says I should be no more than a bystander?

[QueenofLindean]

My intervention, on behalf of my husband, (triggered after our kids had also been on the receiving end of a disproportionate admonishment this morning by MIL) got roundly rebuffed in this way. Making the point that I should be no more than a 'bystander' in a discussion - which had centred on trying to help restore a happy state of mind in my husband - really cut me to the quick - and probably not least as this was the only time in 17 years I have expressed a difference of opinion to my MIL. I was essentially told to butt out when trying to resolve everyone's equanimity. To get perspective, keen to get a sense of the general standing of the role /resps of a daughter in law in other family dynamics? Are you given equal pegging? Feel so churned up that my voice was dismissed by a woman who purports to be all for the sisterhood...

I think the long and the short of it is:

After an argument between your DH and his mother, you pulled his mother aside and told her she should tell him she loves him and put her arm around him. She told you to butt out.

I think she's been quite reasonable there. Not sure about her role in the lead up as it's a bit hard to follow it all, but yes as far as that conversation went you overreached and she probably wasn't in the mood and snapped at you.

@EccentricaGalumbits

I think the long and the short of it is:

After an argument between your DH and his mother, you pulled his mother aside and told her she should tell him she loves him and put her arm around him. She told you to butt out.

I think she's been quite reasonable there. Not sure about her role in the lead up as it's a bit hard to follow it all, but yes as far as that conversation went you overreached and she probably wasn't in the mood and snapped at you.

OP asked her MiL to tell OP’s son (who has had a difficult time with MH lately and whom MiL had a go at earlier) that she loved him, not MiL’s son (OP’s DH).

Am still not sure what exactly happened but whether you advised her on how to show love to her son or your son, I think if your relationship has been good so far then don't let this one incident redefine 17 years of a good relationship. It sounds to me like everyone was frazzled and stepped on each others toes. You are trying to support your DS' fragile mental state but MIL might also be struggling with mental health post covid as this reaction (esp leaving the holiday altogether sounds uncharacteristic). Is she even aware of how low your DS was during lock down? And your advice does sound a bit patronising especially if it lacked it's full context when delivered. Take a deep breath and reset.
Hope you enjoy the rest of the holiday. And that going forward, your relationship with your mil isn't defined by this. Wish your son all the best in his recovery

I understand the second post from the OP perfectly well. I’m surprised others didn’t.

I get wanting to protect your sensitive teen from a bollocking re a messy bathroom. Leaving a holiday early seems an overreaction from your MIL. I hope your son is ok.

As for a mother daughter relationship, I think most of us don’t have that with our MILs, even those of us who have an amicable relationship with them.

It’s been a tough 18 months for everyone.

Are you sure @NumberTheory?

The MIL's response had me thinking it was DH:
MIL then says it is insulting to be told how to love your child

@Member869894

Why don't you all drop the criticism of the OP's writing style? It's mean.

I agree. Please could posters immediately desist from being so unfavourable and malicious in disposition, intent and influence when commenting on the OP's writing style.

@EccentricaGalumbits

Are you sure *@NumberTheory*?

The MIL's response had me thinking it was DH:
MIL then says it is insulting to be told how to love your child

I also read it as meaning the OP's son not the MIL's son

You are in the right, or you are in the wrong, whatever you wan't people to say !!

I get wanting to protect your sensitive teen from a bollocking re a messy bathroom.

It isn't a bollocking to ask, please can you wipe round the bathroom when you've finished. Having mental health problems doesn't preclude you from respecting shared spaces. Ops son is,14. He understands that.

Your first post made perfect sense, not sure why so many posters were stumped!

Your mother in law was rude. Like so many posters here!

@EccentricaGalumbits

Not 100%! But fairly sure as OP doesn’t seem to refer to her own DH as DS anywhere else and it makes more sense given all the detail she gives about DS1. But you may be right, it is not really clear (and no, thread police, I’m not trying to be mean, I do understand people who post while upset can have difficulty keeping things straight and can post on phones that are hard to edit or autocarrot in weird ways etc. But understanding that doesn’t make the post clearer.) ,

Oh for gods sake woman!

Was your MIL rude if she shouted at and over-admonished your DCs and then your DH who stepped in? Yes of course. That's no ok.

Was she right in asking you to butt out when you piped up?

Well.., in simple terms - no, if you were clear and concise-

BUT if you spoke to her in the overwhelmingly verbose and vague way you have done to MN tonight in your two posts, then YABU

Be clear and concise and please think through what is relevant, short and easy to follow, before you start typing or talking.

It's painful to read. And probably more painful to live with / listen to daily.

So I'll go with YABU

If people can't follow your meandering conversation then they may be unable to understand what point you were trying to make. Less is more effective in this case.

The issue is most people are unable to hear past the first few sentences if those are unclear or have no end.

MIL was pissed off about water on the floor of the bathroom after your DS showered.

I feel the correct response to that is - DS apologises and wipes the floor. The end.

Your DS really ought to be resilient enough to being told that he's made an unacceptable mess in the bathroom by granny.

I have no idea why your DH felt this as a criticism of his parenting. Or did he feel like you were criticising him for being a bit stricter with DS?

Incredibly patronising to tell DH's mum that she needs to make her son feel loved. This is a huge over-reaction to a minor family squabble that could have been over and done with by now. And you continue to escalate the situation by taking enormous offence at mil politely telling you to butt out.

It really just reads as if you couldn't cope with your son getting a ticking off when he deserved a ticking off.

You like words don't you

Hi OP, I hope you're okay. Some of the comments here have been really snide and unhelpful and it sounds like it's been a stressful few days for you.
It sounds like your husband recognised that you're son making a mess in the bathroom wasn't ideal and was dealing with the cleaning situation. He just asked his mother to not go too hard on your son because he's struggling with his mental health. That seems reasonable to me.
From what I gather the morning's argument caused tension throughout the day and you asked your mother in law to remind your son that she loves him and is happy to see him. I also don't think that's the worst thing to ask but can see your mother in law might have felt defensive.

The bigger issue seems to be that you all need a bit of space from one another. Perhaps next time your family could find their own place locally? That way everyone can follow their routines and take space to unwind.

It’s very long post to say “mil and DH had words and I butted in and criticised mil, AIBU”

The whole wider family seem to be on the edge of their nerves tbh.

It sounds as though your mil was irritated and patronising towards your mentally fragile ds, which resulted in a rather awkward request to show she loves him. She in turn felt patronised and overreacted, lashing out. Tbh I would be irritated if you are always this verbose and am wondering how perceives you because of it.

As to why she decided to leave. Does your mil perhaps expects deference and respect in her home or as your elder and better? Is this the first time you’ve stood up to her? Perhaps she does and you have always toed the line.

As for the way in which you write, it really does sound as though you are writing from the perspective of a hopelessly romantic character in a Jane Austen novel. Or perhaps Polonius: Brevity is the soul of wit.

Hi Op

Having had a teen that suffered with depression I found it knocked me for 6. I really didn’t (still don’t) quite get how to parent afterwards and found myself pussyfooting around her in case I set off another episode. I also end up holding my breath in a panic when DH, who isn’t the most sensitive soul in the way he processes things as he always sees the practicality not the emotions, tries to help but can come across very uncaring.

I think this is how you probably reacted with mil. It’s not unreasonable for her to get cross at a mucky bathroom in a home that she owns and will presumably be renting out to someone else next week. It’s not unreasonable of you to want to not upset DS and send him into another downward spiral. I doubt mil really understands what you’ve been through and will have gone on the defensive at your rather clumsy attempt at asking her to have some compassion.

I think for now you maybe do need to try and have a quiet chat with her really explaining his fragile state and your fears that he will set off again but start with an apology if you came across like you were trying to lecture her.

I also think you should be grateful there is a big distance between you.

And advice I should have taken myself, maybe look for some counselling for you as it’s really hard going through what you have, trying not to blame yourself and most of all your DS has got at least another 4 tough years ahead of him, he’ll need a parent who is able to offer a firm guiding hand without worry that any corrections from you will trigger him again

💐

It sounds like you should have stayed out of it tbh

I can see why everyone got annoyed

I can actually see why you’d ask your MIL to show your DS he is loved, sounds like he’s had quite a difficult time during lockdowns with his mental health.

I don’t want or need MIL to treat me like a DD, being slightly removed suits our relationship. I find familiarity breeds contempt and I prefer that level of respect (on both sides) that we treat non related people with.

Having said that we’re taking MIL in holiday soon and I’ve ensured she gets the en-suite.

Sounds like your MIL wasn’t enjoying the holiday, I’d ignore her and not try and be her DD, try and enjoy the rest of the holiday.

It’s was an argument. People say mean things to each other when they disagree.

It doesn’t mean she’s dismissing you. You are over thinking it. It’s better in sone ways she feels she can be frank with you. That’s family.

Also whilst “interesting” words are fine, paragraphs would help massively.

Why would anyone criticise OP's writing style? She writes like an author from the early 20th century, I love it.

OP, if I understand correctly, your MIL had a go at your DH for your DS leaving water on bathroom floor, and then as a result your DH started being overly strict with your son. If so, your DH sounds like a bit of an idiot to be honest - weird that you'd expect your MIL to be sensitive of your DS's issues when she wasn't there during them, but not your DH, who has literally lived alongside your DS and see his problems firsthand, and yet still starts being overly strict with your DS because he wanted to impress his mummy 🙄

Sounds like your MIL snapped at you but that's only normal, we all do it sometimes, and having your home turned into a tip when you're not used to company must be stressful.

My MIL would never tell me to butt out though.

I've read your OP and your update.

I don't expect my MIL to treat me exactly as she would her daughter, but I don't think that's the issue here. You don't need to be her own daughter to say something like that.

Your MIL comes across as a miserable arse in your posts. It sounds like her comment was her trying to pull rank on you. She is wrong. You are DH's wife and DS's mother and it is 100% your business to say something like that.

She sounds like one of those mothers who never really wanted to accept that her little boy has grown up and moved on. This also rings true in her way of dealing with the shared space - she needs to be in control of everything.

I say to MIL DS could probably do with a reminder he is loved by others in his family than just me, so could you maybe tell him that/put an arm around the shoulder etc?

It would wind me up if someone said this to me. You can't go ordering people to show affection. They aren't your puppets.