To not believe the statement ‘died surrounded by loved ones’

elp30 · 23/08/2021 14:22

My mother and father (and all four grandparents) died with most, if not all their children and siblings, nieces and nephews and friends around their bedside. But, they had illnesses that allowed us all to gather in their final moments.

Was the funeral announcement about your neighbor written by their family? If it were me, I'd say the family member was much loved and not added the last bit. It may have just been written by someone else.

ConcernedAuntie · 23/08/2021 14:38

Sorry but I can't think of anything worse than having to have those you love most watch you die.

I know some people would find it comforting but having my nearest and dearest watching the light go out of my eyes is not something I could wish for.

We are all different.

Both y parents died suddenly so have never had to make this decision for myself.

3scape · 23/08/2021 14:44

I'm in care a lot of people have died alone. A lot have died with company. Announcements are always a sop to the living though.

Ozanj · 23/08/2021 14:45

My gran used to say that in her experience dying people had an instinct (much like animals do) to die away from loved ones. This was back when death was much more common and so she knew many people who had died. She used to always say that preceeding a heart attack or stroke people would leave the house or go into the garden or go into a room alone & then you’d find them there. And that you could tell when a serious sick baby / toddler was about to die when they got slightly better suddenly & tried to move out of their parents arms.

CausingChaos2 · 23/08/2021 14:48

I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that it is often a lie. Myself, my mother and sister were all with my DGM as she passed away. A bedside vigil is quite common with expected deaths.

SwedishEdith · 23/08/2021 14:49

I imagine having everyone there at the precise moment of death is logistically really difficult. Children have families of their own they need to take care of as well so can't always get there in time. It's quite a luxury, really.

dayswithaY · 23/08/2021 14:51

People say and write all sorts of things when people die, let them. It's just a way of coping. My Nanna died alone in a hospital bed because my Dad had nipped out for a tea but they're not going to put that in the death notice are they?

TheBitterBoy · 23/08/2021 14:52

When my mum was dying, my dad, brother and I spent a week at the hospital with her, all day, late into the evening, but we went home to try to sleep at around 10 each night. It was emotionally and physically exhausting, and we were not there when she died, at around 11pm. I refuse to beat myself up about it, and would never judge someone for saying their family member died surrounded by family. As far as I'm concerned my mum died knowing we had been there for her and with her in her last days, and wouldn't have expected more. Dying is not just the moment of the last breath, especially in cases of long terminal illness.

Originally · 23/08/2021 14:53

I can't think of anything worse than having to have those you love most watch you die

Couldn't agree more.

HumphreyCobblers · 23/08/2021 14:53

My father just died with three of his four children standing around his bed.

MagnoliaBeige · 23/08/2021 14:54

I’ve never assumed it’s meant literally, as in the loved ones were physically in the room with them when it happened. I take it to mean it’s code for “it wasn’t unexpected and the family were aware it was imminent and had said their goodbyes”, I may be wrong though!

Metallicalover · 23/08/2021 14:54

My grandad had the perfect death if you could put it like that, he was surrounded by all of his nearest and dearest, the hospital bed was where his chair always sat. Favourite sport on the television.
We always gathered together at the weekends and he waited till the last person came before he died, he acknowledged them and 10mins later he was gone.

I wouldn't say all of those statements are a lie, maybe that particular one. All of my relatives that have died have been surrounded by their loved ones as it's been an expected death

CityDweller · 23/08/2021 14:55

Both my parents in law died with their loved ones around them. My DH was with his mum when she died. He always talk about what a privilege that was and that, along with being devastating, it was also beautiful. She died after a 2yr illness.

Brainwave89 · 23/08/2021 14:55

I was there when my dad died, but not my mum, which was unexpected. He died of cancer, and as he was slipping away I think he did feel comfort to know people who loved him were there. Not all families are the same, but in many cases it is ideal to have family present.

CoffeeRunner · 23/08/2021 14:56

Death announcements are for the living.

Both my DPs died with all four DCs in the room but I worked in hospitals for long enough to know that a significant amount of relatives will choose not to be there for the very end (I said my goodbyes last time I visited type of comment).

There is no wrong or right way to cope I guess, but for me I'm glad I was there & surrounded by family was actually true.

nokidshere · 23/08/2021 15:00

My gran used to say that in her experience dying people had an instinct (much like animals do) to die away from loved ones. This was back when death was much more common and so she knew many people who had died. She used to always say that preceeding a heart attack or stroke people would leave the house or go into the garden or go into a room alone & then you’d find them there

My MIL lived next door to us when she died. She had been quite poorly for about 48hrs and was in a downstairs bedroom. She lived alone and I had a baby monitor on between the houses. We had been chatting and she said she was tired and I should go home. I said I would stay in her living room but she said she just wanted to sleep and I was to go home. I heard her take her last breath on the monitor, she died less than 15 mins after I left. A nurse friend of mine said exactly as above, that, in her experience, people tend to want to be alone when they die.

godmum56 · 23/08/2021 15:02

@Meredithsbff

I’ve always found comfort with reading the phrase “X died surrounded by their family” when learning of the death of someone. I often thought how lucky they were to have them there at the exact moment of death.

However, my neighbour passed away last year. She was elderly and her adult children weren’t very caring towards her. They were happy to rarely visit as she had 24 hour carers by the end. She died in the middle of the night after her carer realised she’d stopped breathing. Paramedics got her heart beating but when they stopped cpr it would stop again. One of her adult children arrived when it was too late. She had died on the floor with the paramedics and a carer who she had only met that day. However, fast forward to the funeral announcement and it was stated that she was “much loved and died surrounded by her closest family”.

Have I been naive all these years and it’s actually often a lie? I know it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things but I’d be interested to know if this is regular practice.

As a side comment, THIS is why people should consider seriously having a DNR in place. It was explained to me when my husband was dying. If there is no DNR in place then the carer MUST take action, as MUST the paramedics.

FGSWhatNow · 23/08/2021 15:02

@Ozanj

My gran used to say that in her experience dying people had an instinct (much like animals do) to die away from loved ones. This was back when death was much more common and so she knew many people who had died. She used to always say that preceeding a heart attack or stroke people would leave the house or go into the garden or go into a room alone & then you’d find them there. And that you could tell when a serious sick baby / toddler was about to die when they got slightly better suddenly & tried to move out of their parents arms.

I've heard this before and, unfortunately, experienced it

SusanBland · 23/08/2021 15:03

My dad died in a hospice, me and my mum were there most of the time as he was very unwell, we were exhausted and went home for a quick sleep,got a call at 4am to go back but he had already gone by the time we got there. The nurse said that people often wait until their loved ones are gone to pass away, she said it happens alot, even when people just nip out of the room for 5 minutes.

gobackanddoitproperly · 23/08/2021 15:04

@TheBitterBoy

When my mum was dying, my dad, brother and I spent a week at the hospital with her, all day, late into the evening, but we went home to try to sleep at around 10 each night. It was emotionally and physically exhausting, and we were not there when she died, at around 11pm. I refuse to beat myself up about it, and would never judge someone for saying their family member died surrounded by family. As far as I'm concerned my mum died knowing we had been there for her and with her in her last days, and wouldn't have expected more. Dying is not just the moment of the last breath, especially in cases of long terminal illness.

Same, except we were there when she finally stopped breathing. She had no clue by that point so really, it made not a jot of difference.

People really don’t die quickly!

randomlyLostInWales · 23/08/2021 15:06

Is it down to interpetation of the phrase.

We've had family head back from around the world - in some cases literally other side of the globe - and visits weeks/days/hours before to be seen and good byes said but they weren't there at the exact moment - family usually in hospital and homes and with one it was few minutes after a relative left for the night.

MaMelon · 23/08/2021 15:07

My DF, DS and I were there when my mum died - it was an expected death and the wonderful nurses and doctors had moved her into a single room so we could be there for the days and nights leading up to it. It was lovely to be able to be there with her - my sister’s a nurse so she was able to do a lot of the care which was very important to her. I can’t think of a better way to go than to be in the company of my family (if that’s what they want of course). In mum’s case she was surrounded by loved ones.

JulesCobb · 23/08/2021 15:07

My mum used to work in nursing homes. She often said the residents often died after their families left for the evening.

alloalloallo · 23/08/2021 15:07

Sorry but I can't think of anything worse than having to have those you love most watch you die

Yes, me too.

When my grandmother died, I’m convinced she waited for us all to go and give her a bit of peace and quiet.

We’d been with her all day, I went home to get some dinner and sort my kids out, my brother had to leave for a couple of hours to take my SiL to a medical appointment and my Mum and Dad stayed at the hospital but popped out of her room to go to the loo and grab a coffee and something to eat from the canteen.

Anothermuddywalk · 23/08/2021 15:10

@Ozanj

My gran used to say that in her experience dying people had an instinct (much like animals do) to die away from loved ones. This was back when death was much more common and so she knew many people who had died. She used to always say that preceeding a heart attack or stroke people would leave the house or go into the garden or go into a room alone & then you’d find them there. And that you could tell when a serious sick baby / toddler was about to die when they got slightly better suddenly & tried to move out of their parents arms.

We sat with my mum for days as she was dying, and she died while my brother and I were on the car on our way home to get a change of clothes etc.. I always wondered if she was waiting for us to leave.