To not believe the statement ‘died surrounded by loved ones’

[Meredithsbff]

I’ve always found comfort with reading the phrase “X died surrounded by their family” when learning of the death of someone. I often thought how lucky they were to have them there at the exact moment of death.

However, my neighbour passed away last year. She was elderly and her adult children weren’t very caring towards her. They were happy to rarely visit as she had 24 hour carers by the end. She died in the middle of the night after her carer realised she’d stopped breathing. Paramedics got her heart beating but when they stopped cpr it would stop again. One of her adult children arrived when it was too late. She had died on the floor with the paramedics and a carer who she had only met that day. However, fast forward to the funeral announcement and it was stated that she was “much loved and died surrounded by her closest family”.

Have I been naive all these years and it’s actually often a lie? I know it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things but I’d be interested to know if this is regular practice.

@Ozanj

My gran used to say that in her experience dying people had an instinct (much like animals do) to die away from loved ones. This was back when death was much more common and so she knew many people who had died. She used to always say that preceeding a heart attack or stroke people would leave the house or go into the garden or go into a room alone & then you’d find them there. And that you could tell when a serious sick baby / toddler was about to die when they got slightly better suddenly & tried to move out of their parents arms.

When my MIL died my DH and his brothers had been there for days on end only leaving to go home briefly to sleep and shower. They left to go home at about 11pm one night, and she died about 10 minutes after they left, with just her husband present.

@saraclara

The trouble with a thread like this is it makes you doubt yourself.

I've spent a decade being comforted by the fact that my and my DD's were with my DH to the end, and that he knew we were there and felt our warmth and love. And now I have the majority of people here telling me how they and medical professionals believe that people want to be alone when they die.

I really wish I hadn't opened this thread, still less contributed.

Don't though. Deaths are as varied as births. You did the right thing, in the circulstances you had, with what you knew at the time. You did the right thing.

My father died in hospital, after everyone had left.

My mother was nursed at home, bu her daughters, until she died (a very short time, as she had leucemie, and it was less than a week from confirmed diagnosis until she died. Hers was a good death, though. Next to no pain.

I think really good palliative care is very important. I had a friend who worked in palliative, who saw it as a privilege to be with people at this stage of their lives.

I've spent a decade being comforted by the fact that my and my DD's were with my DH to the end, and that he knew we were there and felt our warmth and love. And now I have the majority of people here telling me how they and medical professionals believe that people want to be alone when they die.
Continue to be comforted by it. I've no doubt as a stranger your DH felt love and comforted around his DD.
To live a life with love and die surrounded by it is how I'd want to go and how I've seen people go.
I didn't read this thread past the first page but noticed your message on "I'm on"
🥰 imagine how you'd like to go, loved, to make sense of it.

*DD's

@PenelopePrat

My friend lost her Mum to cancer, and didn't have any palliative care. She died at home, in a painful, traumatic way and her Dad says 'she died peacefully with us by her side'

This is what happened to us. Cancer moved so fast that we had nothing in place for her. It was all kinds of shit and I have PTSD from those last two weeks with her. I live in constant terror that my kids will have to go through the same.

I sat every day with my grandad holding his hand, I was mentally and physically exhausted, I gave myself a morning off and was about to return to the hospital when we had a call that he had died. No one can say he wasn’t surrounded by love because he was, it hurt I wasn’t there on that morning but he always did things his way so doesn’t surprise me it happened like that. I think the nurse who had looked after him (and me) was just as devastated I hadn’t been there, she was so kind and gave me the biggest cuddle when I got there and said it was her who had been with him.

@hocusspocuss I'm so sorry :(

My friend's Mum actually refused palliative care and my poor friend had to deal with the trauma of the last few hours of her Mum's life. I worry about my friend and how her Mum's wishes will effect her.

I felt privileged to be able to be with Mum as she took her last breath.

I hope my kids feel the same.

I lost my DM this year and I couldn't visit hospital until her last day due to covid restrictions. Me, DF and DB were around her bed all day. We went home to sleep and planned to come back and sit there again the next day. She passed soon after we left. My DF is sad to not be there at the last breath. I personally am glad to have not been there at the last breath, it was traumatising enough. I still consider her to have died with her family surrounding her and we were there all day and took turns to pop to loo etc. There was a caring member of staff with her and she wasn't alone. I wish I had been allowed to visit her a few days previously, when she was concious. I have friends who lost their dear parents recently and had no final visit and couldn't go to the funeral because of lockdown. Just makes a devestating time even worse.

My mum died alone in intensive care. She went brain dead and we had to turn the machine off but she had already technically died 😓

Due to Covid restrictions I couldn’t be with my husband when he died. We were assured a nurse was with him but we’ll never know. Me and my two sons would have loved to have been there but sometimes circumstances don’t allow it. We knew he was going to die and were together at home. I think you just have to do what you can.

It's a polite fiction which allows everyone to feel better. It is not necessary for you to believe it.

I was with both of my grandparents (as were other family members) when they died. It was sad but I'm glad I was there for them even if they weren't really aware.

That said I think I'd like to be on my own tbh. I can't imagine trying to die surrounded by my children. Ugh.