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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not believe the statement ‘died surrounded by loved ones’

363 replies

Meredithsbff · 23/08/2021 14:13

I’ve always found comfort with reading the phrase “X died surrounded by their family” when learning of the death of someone. I often thought how lucky they were to have them there at the exact moment of death.

However, my neighbour passed away last year. She was elderly and her adult children weren’t very caring towards her. They were happy to rarely visit as she had 24 hour carers by the end. She died in the middle of the night after her carer realised she’d stopped breathing. Paramedics got her heart beating but when they stopped cpr it would stop again. One of her adult children arrived when it was too late. She had died on the floor with the paramedics and a carer who she had only met that day. However, fast forward to the funeral announcement and it was stated that she was “much loved and died surrounded by her closest family”.

Have I been naive all these years and it’s actually often a lie? I know it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things but I’d be interested to know if this is regular practice.

OP posts:
LubaLuca · 23/08/2021 15:10

I think there's some truth in the human instinct to try to find solitude for life and death situations. My grandmother certainly seemed to hold on until everyone had cleared off, which would have pleased her - she was a modest thing who didn't like fuss or upset.

Similarly, twice when I've been in long labour the midwives have sent my husband home 'to rest', and both times things suddenly moved very quickly when I was left alone. I can't perform to an audience.

ElvisPresleyHadABaby · 23/08/2021 15:13

We were with my mum when she died, all of us by her bed. She'd seen all of the DC and wider family the day before, so it was a huge comfort to know that she died knowing how much we loved and cared, hopefully feeling at peace surrounded by her loved ones. She had a DNR and knew that when it was her time to go, she would go. Miss her terribly.

FrankGrillosWrist · 23/08/2021 15:13

I'd say it's a lie OP. My one sis said that she wanted to be there when mom died as she wasn't there when dad died & this upset her. I rang her & she came but left just before mom died. The other sisbitch turned up for God knows what reason as she rarely visited mom when she was alive. I can understand that no one wants to watch their loved ones die, but others want to be there for them. My bro stood up at the funeral & spouted a load of bollocks, he never visited mom & judging by what he said he didn't know her either. They do it out of guilt, & to make themselves look good.

stuffnthings · 23/08/2021 15:14

Interesting to read other people's experiences. When my DW died earlier this year, I had left the room for a 15 mins or so, only for her to pass away whilst I wasn't there. I have some regret about that, but also realise that the nature of terminal illness is it is difficult to predict when the final moment comes.

Siepie · 23/08/2021 15:16

@MagnoliaBeige

I’ve never assumed it’s meant literally, as in the loved ones were physically in the room with them when it happened. I take it to mean it’s code for “it wasn’t unexpected and the family were aware it was imminent and had said their goodbyes”, I may be wrong though!
This is how I've always understood it too. More that their last few days were spent with family, rather than the exact moment of death.
hocusspocuss · 23/08/2021 15:17

My mum died with us all around her. I found it traumatic. I would hate my kids to watch me die.

Kitkat151 · 23/08/2021 15:19

@ConcernedAuntie

Sorry but I can't think of anything worse than having to have those you love most watch you die.

I know some people would find it comforting but having my nearest and dearest watching the light go out of my eyes is not something I could wish for.

We are all different.

Both y parents died suddenly so have never had to make this decision for myself.

Except it’s not always about ‘you’ is it....what if your parent wants you there/ is comforted by your presence....would you stay away because ‘ you couldn’t think of anything worse’ .....some people almost need ‘permission’ To die...before taking their last breath....often from a very close family member....I guess it all depends on how selfish you are
isthisareverse · 23/08/2021 15:19

One of my relatives fell asleep after lunch in their armchair when all the family was chatting around, and never woke up.

Not the worst way to go.

I'd also rather say "goodbye" to someone than waking up finding them dead and imagining I didn't hear them calling. Not everyone dies in a hospital or hospice.

We are all different.

isthisareverse · 23/08/2021 15:20

I guess it all depends on how selfish you are

as a parent, I wouldn't want to be a burden on my kids if they were uncomfortable, too young, or too upset.

Jerseygirl12 · 23/08/2021 15:20

My DF died in hospital without me there. I was called in the week before to say my goodbyes, he’d asked to see me. That was the last time he spoke. He asked me to leave after a few hours as he didn’t want me to stay. Then I visited again 5 days later and his heart was beating but I don’t know if he could hear me. I sat and chatted to him for an hour and a half and said a peaceful good bye. I didn’t know whether to do this visit as he’d asked me to leave on the previous visit but I felt it was the right thing for me to do. I couldn’t leave him laying there for a week on his own but at the same time wanted to respect his wishes. It was during lockdown 02 but the staff let me in to see him whenever I wanted during the month before he died but we’re strict the three weeks before that.
He died a day and a half later.

BigWoollyJumpers · 23/08/2021 15:23

Lots of lots of documented cases where people quietly pass away overnight, or just after family have gone home. People like to pass away "in peace". I actually think that is lovely. I would much rather go that way.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/08/2021 15:24

I can see why you'd disbelieve it from that story, but that doesn't make it always a lie.

My mother did die "surrounded by her loved ones" as we were all there in ICU with her. We'd been called and told it was near the end, so we all went in to see her (this was some years ago).

However, I don't believe we put anything like that in the notices.

trappedsincesundaymorn · 23/08/2021 15:24

My mum died in hospital last year...we were not allowed to be with her (1st week of 1st lockdown), but the nurses did allow our photographs to be on her table over the bed. Although we were not there at the end she did die surrounded by her loved ones.

TravellingSpoon · 23/08/2021 15:26

When my Grandad passed away, my Nan and my sister (who he was the closest to, purely because she had lived with them growing up) left. We knew his passing was imminent and they both said that they couldn't be around. He passed very quickly after they had gone and I still think he was waiting for them to leave.

thepeopleversuswork · 23/08/2021 15:28

I suspect this phrase was much more likely to be true 50-60 years ago than it is today. These days a large number of people will die in care homes/supported living places/hospitals and a minority at home.

I personally would not want to die surrounded by loved ones. I don't see the moment of death as particularly significant from a spiritual point of view, you are unlikely to be sentient and very likely to be barely aware, or uncomfortable or in pain. Having a ton of relatives around you and breathing down your neck is unlikely to alleviate this and would probably make it worse.

I would like to die surrounded by morphine. And possibly one very well chosen relative who I found genuinely comforting. But a whole deathbed scene of hangers-on, no thanks.

YesIReallyDoLikeRootBeer · 23/08/2021 15:28

My father passed away surrounded by love ones. His 3 sisters, my sister and myself were there. I was stroking his hair as he took his last breath.

ancientgran · 23/08/2021 15:28

@ConcernedAuntie

Sorry but I can't think of anything worse than having to have those you love most watch you die.

I know some people would find it comforting but having my nearest and dearest watching the light go out of my eyes is not something I could wish for.

We are all different.

Both y parents died suddenly so have never had to make this decision for myself.

I'm so glad it's not just me. I've told mine if I'm near the end they can come and say goodbye but I don't want an audience. My exhusband died, my sons said he was surrounded by his siblings and their partners crying and carrying on and at one point he asked them to leave (not as politely as that.) The idea that someone close to death needs to rouse them to tell people he'd had enough of them seems really sad to me.
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 23/08/2021 15:28

@Originally

I can't think of anything worse than having to have those you love most watch you die

Couldn't agree more.

Not for me, I've saved enough money to go to Dignitas when the time comes, and fully intend to go there alone surrounded by my happy memories.
Seriouslymole · 23/08/2021 15:29

My MIL died about 30 minutes after DH and I had left her in the very capable hands of DH's aunt (MIL's sister). I am absolutely convinced she waited until we'd gone because she didn't think we'd cope well with it. DAunt was so experienced with older people, having been an OT all her working life, and was brilliant. But I still would say she died with those she loved around her as all her children and both her siblings were there throughout the day.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 23/08/2021 15:30

@stuffnthings

Interesting to read other people's experiences. When my DW died earlier this year, I had left the room for a 15 mins or so, only for her to pass away whilst I wasn't there. I have some regret about that, but also realise that the nature of terminal illness is it is difficult to predict when the final moment comes.
This happens so often you would not believe it, I was a nurse for 20 years and people would often wait until their relatives or partners nipped to the loo or went for an hours sleep before dying suddenly.
CheeseCakeSunflowers · 23/08/2021 15:32

When my DM died she had been unconscious for a few days, the hospital rang to let us know that she was not expected to last much longer, we checked that she was still totally unawares then my Dsis and I decided to gather at her home with DF who was housebound and wait together for the call to say she had gone. I have sometimes wondered if it was the right decision but knowing how Mum worried about Dad being left alone I think it was the right thing to do.

QueeniesCroft · 23/08/2021 15:32

Except it’s not always about ‘you’ is it....what if your parent wants you there/ is comforted by your presence....would you stay away because ‘ you couldn’t think of anything worse’ .....some people almost need ‘permission’ To die...before taking their last breath....often from a very close family member....I guess it all depends on how selfish you are

I'm hoping that you just got the wrong end of the stick and jumped in without fully understanding the post. The poster was talking about what she wanted for her own death. Surely this is the one time in a person's life when it really should be about what they want?

My experience tallies with many others in that people seem to want to be alone when they die and will often wait until loved ones have gone, then die shortly afterwards. I don't think that's difficult to understand, or selfish.

thegreylady · 23/08/2021 15:34

My best friend’s dh (also a close friend) had pancreatic cancer. My friend was chatting to him and he was responding a little. The telephone rang and she got up to answer it just outside the room. When she returned a couple of minutes later he was dead.
My own mum died shortly after I had left after staying at the hospital most of the day. I had to leave at 10 pm and they rang not long after I was home to say she had died.

waterlego · 23/08/2021 15:35

My brother and I were with our DM when she died in a hospice.

A couple of months earlier, we had been at the same hospice with our DDad, and knew the end was near…but he took quite a long time to eventually actually…stop. We sat up with him all night and when the nurses came in the morning to move and wash him, we stepped outside into the gardens. No sooner had we sat ourselves on a bench out there, one of the nurses appeared at the door and told us he had just that moment gone. I think he knew we were there and waited for us to bugger off, bless him.

Agree with poster upthread that it can be an enormous privilege to be with a parent when they die, and can almost be described as a beautiful experience - as long as the death is expected and the person does not seem to be in pain or distressed. I’m very glad and grateful that I could be with my parents in their final hours.

PowerhouseOfTheCell · 23/08/2021 15:35

Surely no one is going to write ‘died completely alone because Sheila had nipped to the Co-op’ Confused it’s just one of those things people include in obituaries