To not believe the statement ‘died surrounded by loved ones’

[Meredithsbff]

I’ve always found comfort with reading the phrase “X died surrounded by their family” when learning of the death of someone. I often thought how lucky they were to have them there at the exact moment of death.

However, my neighbour passed away last year. She was elderly and her adult children weren’t very caring towards her. They were happy to rarely visit as she had 24 hour carers by the end. She died in the middle of the night after her carer realised she’d stopped breathing. Paramedics got her heart beating but when they stopped cpr it would stop again. One of her adult children arrived when it was too late. She had died on the floor with the paramedics and a carer who she had only met that day. However, fast forward to the funeral announcement and it was stated that she was “much loved and died surrounded by her closest family”.

Have I been naive all these years and it’s actually often a lie? I know it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things but I’d be interested to know if this is regular practice.

Reading other people’s experiences has been very helpful for me. I’ve spent the last 9 months wondering if I should have stayed longer with my DF, visited more, not visited.
Sorry for all your losses.

My Granny died in her bed with her children and grandchildren sat around her. Her hand was held. We sang her favourite songs. We each had a few minutes alone, to talk to her.
She wasn't conscious but as she took her last breath she she'd a single tear.
I like to think she knew we were there.

@TheBitterBoy

When my mum was dying, my dad, brother and I spent a week at the hospital with her, all day, late into the evening, but we went home to try to sleep at around 10 each night. It was emotionally and physically exhausting, and we were not there when she died, at around 11pm. I refuse to beat myself up about it, and would never judge someone for saying their family member died surrounded by family. As far as I'm concerned my mum died knowing we had been there for her and with her in her last days, and wouldn't have expected more. Dying is not just the moment of the last breath, especially in cases of long terminal illness.

@TheBitterBoy - Agree

Very similar happened to me, my mum had been really ill (cancer) for about 2 months and had had either my dad/brother/me with her 24/7. On the day she died, we had ended up in the kitchen making a cup of tea only for 5-10 mins when we went back in she had died.

I too can't beat myself up about it, Mum knew we we had been there and I sort of think she waited for that moment alone to die.

My mum and dad both died at home, expected deaths, but despite me and my sister and GC (and my mum in the case of my dad who died first) being in the room almost constantly, they both slipped away when they were briefly alone. I don't think that's a coincidence really.

My great uncle died very suddenly in his 90s. He was fit and well (for his age), had walked down to the shop to get milk and a paper, came back and felt a bit funny, so my great aunt (88) told him to go and sit in his chair and she's bring him a brew. He was dead in his chair by the time she brought it through.
That's the way I'd want to go.

I read something yesterday about somebody dying in the arms of their loved one. I'm not sure how that works frankly. I'd hate to expire in the arms of my DH. I've no idea how he'd cope.

I was with both of my parents when they died, I was able to hold their hand, tell them everything is ok, and tell them I loved them. My dad was looking directly at me as he died while I told him I loved him very much…I’m glad I was there, and I believe they were too.

I suppose it reads better than " was greedy nasty manipulating and selfish. Abused everyone she came in contact with including her own children and family but managed to turn on the water works and gain enough sympathy so everyone thought she was the victim and cursed her family for not visiting her so inevitably she died a much deserved lonely death that nobody gave a shit about"

@Ozanj

My gran used to say that in her experience dying people had an instinct (much like animals do) to die away from loved ones. This was back when death was much more common and so she knew many people who had died. She used to always say that preceeding a heart attack or stroke people would leave the house or go into the garden or go into a room alone & then you’d find them there. And that you could tell when a serious sick baby / toddler was about to die when they got slightly better suddenly & tried to move out of their parents arms.

I totally agree with this. I know of several situations where a person was dying in hospital, family with them constantly. They finally died when the person keeping vigil, popped to the loo or for a quick cuppa and they were alone.

My father died with his entire family around the bed, we were all saying over and over again we love you, we love you as he was going.
I only managed to get there in time by about 15 minutes before he passed away.
It was absolutely heartbreaking but I hope he could hear us all.
I do think it's rare.

Myself & my DH were with his Mum as the time was approaching.
DH had to go out for an hour and my MIL passed away. It was so traumatic (even though it was Macmillan). I'm so glad he wasn't there to see the last few minutes. I lied to DH and told him it was peaceful.

@Originally

I can't think of anything worse than having to have those you love most watch you die

Couldn't agree more.

That’s an interesting point. I didn’t make it to my Dad’s bedside when he died and, going by how traumatic my Mum and brother found it (Dad was only in his fifties and he was ill but the end came suddenly) I am glad about that if I’m honest.

On the other hand I made it to my Mum’s bedside, but she wasn’t conscious enough to know I was there. I was glad to be there for my brother’s sake but I do still have flashbacks that I find hard to deal with. The other day I looked at my 4 year old and thought- one day that hand may hold mine as I die. Not sure how I feel about that.

I can't think of anything worse than having to have those you love most watch you die

its not a spectator event

those around you would hopefully be taking care of you and holding your hand (supporting, helping assisting you) as you leave this world behind

but for many dying they will choose when to die as some people leave the room for a cup of tea or a bathroom trip

@PropertyFlipper
"I read something yesterday about somebody dying in the arms of their loved one. I'm not sure how that works frankly. "

I worked in residential and end of life. We'd allow people on to the bed. Often the dying person would lay their head on the other's shoulder etc. My FIL was being hugged when he went. Some ask for a relaxant, which means that they just slip away. In end of life care, we are committed to giving a good death.
My Mum had a relaxant. My DD and Sister held her hand as she died, but we were all there. My DH was clinging on and I think because there was always someone with him. He died with a Nurse present.

My fil recently died actually surrounded by nearest family, children and wife. He was not left alone for 5 days. They were all there.
My aunt died a few years ago also had everyone there, but waited til they all went out for various reasons (coffee, toilet, smoke) and then died. I think my aunt was waiting to be alone. I think my fil was trying to wait til he was alone but in the end gave up on that idea. My fil wasnt the kind of man who would want people to see him die. If that makes sense.

You have to remember that obituaries are written by the family and friends still alive, who may want to appease any guilt they feel for not doing enough and being there when it mattered. On the whole being surrounded by their loved ones is probably general enough to really mean that during the active death phase (ie the last few weeks of life) the person saw many of their loved ones.

I don't think it literally means the whole family were around the bedside waiting for the finale.

It means in the last years of their life they had their family around them, visiting/doing things together/supporting them if necessary.

When I am actually dying in the last few minutes the only people I am interested in being there are the ones who can give me pain meds if needed!!!

This was back when death was much more common and so she knew many people who had died

do you mean death at home was much more common?

Bluntly the family tell the funeral director what to announce in the paper. The family wont say "X died alone and her family never visited".

@ConcernedAuntie

Sorry but I can't think of anything worse than having to have those you love most watch you die.

I know some people would find it comforting but having my nearest and dearest watching the light go out of my eyes is not something I could wish for.

We are all different.

Both y parents died suddenly so have never had to make this decision for myself.

When my mother died in a Hospice there was no-one at her bedside, we were changing round, someone had been there all day and I was very upset. One of the staff told me that it was very common, sometimes it was simply that a relative had gone to the loo, almost as though the patient wanted to die in private.

We were with both of our parents as they died, and I wouldn’t have had it any other way.
It’s a deeply personal thing though. I firmly believe my late MIL waited for me to leave the hospital to see the children before she died, she had her sisters and her son (dh) with her and although we got on ok we didn’t have a close relationship. I’m absolutely fine with her choice

My father died with none of us there, his explicit wishes. Just a carer from the nursing home was there.
I couldn’t visit my dying mother, COVID rules in the same nursing home 3 months later. My siblings were there but she pushed them both away from holding her hands, one sibling said it was as if she wanted us to go.

My Aunt died last year after falling ill very suddenly. She was placed on life support and literally our whole family were there when it was disconnected. Her husband, children, grandchildren, sisters, nieces and friend. We sang her fave songs and exchanged memories and fun stories. She was surrounded by love. However my mother who is her little sister and they were inseparable left the room along with her daughter and a few others, they were literally gone 5 mins and she chose that moment to pass away. I'm certain she was protecting them until the end. I'm forever grateful I got to hold her hand in that moment and that she chose me to hold on to while she let go.

I found it comforting to watch my grandma die. My Dad her old child was there too. She was comfortable not in pain and looked peaceful. She suddenly gasped said my Grandads name and then died.
I do hear a lot of people going when loved one has nipped out too I do think there’s something in some people wanting peace to die alone.
I think I’d take phrase to mean family had been with them in final few weeks even if they were out of room at moment of passing. I wouldn’t feel guilty if you aren’t there at exact moment it may have been as they wanted.

I can't think of anything worse than having to have those you love most watch you die Me either.

I am in heart failure and I know that will likely be what ultimately kills me.
I have in fact almost died on several occasions, cardiac arrest, heart shock, full organ failure etc etc, and none of my family were there fortunately. And I have told my DP I don’t want anyone there when I die

My DP was with his brother when he died last year and he found it utterly traumatising.

I always took it to have a figurative as well as literal interpretation. Though it doesn't sound like either applies to the OPs observation