To not believe the statement ‘died surrounded by loved ones’

[Meredithsbff]

I’ve always found comfort with reading the phrase “X died surrounded by their family” when learning of the death of someone. I often thought how lucky they were to have them there at the exact moment of death.

However, my neighbour passed away last year. She was elderly and her adult children weren’t very caring towards her. They were happy to rarely visit as she had 24 hour carers by the end. She died in the middle of the night after her carer realised she’d stopped breathing. Paramedics got her heart beating but when they stopped cpr it would stop again. One of her adult children arrived when it was too late. She had died on the floor with the paramedics and a carer who she had only met that day. However, fast forward to the funeral announcement and it was stated that she was “much loved and died surrounded by her closest family”.

Have I been naive all these years and it’s actually often a lie? I know it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things but I’d be interested to know if this is regular practice.

I worked in hospitals, in Respiratory Therapy, for much of my life. You would be amazed at how many people seem to wait until they were alone to die. Their families may have been in attendance almost every moment, but at some point, the room would be empty, if only for a minute or two, and they would take that minute to slip away. Dying is one of the things that many seem to have to do alone. I know I want to. I hope I will have had time with my children and other loved ones before I go, but the actual moment? That is an intimate moment between me and Eternity. Don't distract me.

As for whether or not people lie about being there, I'm sure that some of them do. Perhaps to assuage guilt, or to avoid censure, but I'm sure that they do.

@saraclara

The trouble with a thread like this is it makes you doubt yourself.

I've spent a decade being comforted by the fact that my and my DD's were with my DH to the end, and that he knew we were there and felt our warmth and love. And now I have the majority of people here telling me how they and medical professionals believe that people want to be alone when they die.

I really wish I hadn't opened this thread, still less contributed.

Please don't doubt yourself. Yes there are lots of posts saying that people have waited til they were alone to die, and some posts saying that they would want to be alone - but equally there are posts by others saying that their family member waited for them, or wanted them all there and were comforted by their presence.

I think you should preserve your feelings of comfort that you were able to do that for your DH. Everyone is different and you knew your DH better than anyone on this thread, or any medical professional - if you believe he was happy you were all there, then he was.

I believe, those ill choose when to let go, my dad waited till wed all left his visiting time, my mum waited untill myself and sister were with her. My husband shouted me back to the room as he passed away.

@owlbethere its not just the final moments but the time before when you know its going to happen, a very difficult period of life.

I dare say it does happen, if people have enough notice and are able to get there. But even when medics know that someone is dying it may well be impossible to say how long, so most people won’t be able to stay indefinitely, in case. Some people do hang on for what can seem an incredibly long time.

We were told 36 hours before she actually died that my DM (97 with advanced dementia) was on the way out, so two siblings who lived some distance away came to stay and we took turns to sit with her, day and night. Not that she was aware - I’d love to think otherwise but I’m sure she wasn’t.

It happened to be me who was there when the end finally came.

When someone has relatives who don’t care, or physically can’t be there (like my other sibling in the US) that is a different matter.

@saraclara

The trouble with a thread like this is it makes you doubt yourself.

I've spent a decade being comforted by the fact that my and my DD's were with my DH to the end, and that he knew we were there and felt our warmth and love. And now I have the majority of people here telling me how they and medical professionals believe that people want to be alone when they die.

I really wish I hadn't opened this thread, still less contributed.

Like many things, it depends on the person. I know of situations where the dying person waited for someone to be there.

A friend of mine, whose mum was dying, for example. Her mum was very agitated in her final hours, and asked repeatedly about her son, my friend's brother. They lived near each other all their lives, and would have seen one another daily. When he came into the room, she relaxed and passed peacefully, shortly afterwards.

It's a lovely memory and a comfort for you to have, to know that your husband felt the love around him. Please don't let anything change that.

This is so true of loved ones sometimes wanting to die alone. All the time someone is with them it’s as though they subconsciously feel they should keep fighting the inevitable for the sake of their relatives. I was told my DH would likely die that night, I sat with him for hours, he was barely breathing. I went across the room to get some tissues out of my bag and in that moment he slipped away.

@ConcernedAuntie

Sorry but I can't think of anything worse than having to have those you love most watch you die.

I know some people would find it comforting but having my nearest and dearest watching the light go out of my eyes is not something I could wish for.

We are all different.

Both y parents died suddenly so have never had to make this decision for myself.

My Mum died very slowly 4 years ago after a long struggle with lung cancer. My younger brother and I had mounted a round-the-clock vigil, taking turns over 5 days to be with her whilst the other went home, got a bit of sleep, etc.

She was moved to a hospice for her final day and it is to my eternal sadness that I left my brother and went home because she died whilst I was away. Her passing upset him dreadfully and although I rushed back when he called me, I regret so much that he was alone when I could've been there to support him.

The simple truth is that people don't die 'to order' and it can be terribly distressing for those who witness it. I suppose the 'surrounded by loved ones' thing is a bit of a convention.

I don't believe it eitherl My Mum and Nan died two years apart, Mum in a hospice and Nan in hospital. We weren't there and both times we were told that they were being washed at the time so not alone. I don't really believe that.

@ParkheadParadise

After the trauma of losing my dd, I was determined to be with my mum at the end. I stayed by her bedside for 2 weeks sleeping on a chair( looking back I was obsessed about being with her and still grieving dd). All through her battle with dementia all she wanted was her mother. At the end, she lingered on despite us telling her to go. In the end, she told us her mammy was here in the room, we told her to go with her she had a massive smile on her face. She passed away moments later. Being with my mum, holding her hand to me personally helped me deal with my grief. I now feel very privileged to have been there.

Love this 💗💗

@RevolvingPivot

Maybe you should ask this to be moved to the unexplained. People will help you more there.

I've just noticed I posted this here. It was mean for the person who want a priest to bless her house. Sorry.

@DanceItOut

I wouldn’t say it’s always a lie though perhaps sometimes it is. Sometimes people prefer to have people there sometimes they don’t. My Nan went surrounded by family and it actually felt nice to know that we were there with her in her last moments holding her hand so she knew she wasn’t alone after all the years she had been there for us. One of my grandads died in hospital when I was a child and he waited until everyone had been to see him one night and died within an hour or two of everyone going home. He said his goodbyes and then went alone but quietly having made peace with it. However lots of people do want to know they aren’t alone in those final moments, whether it’s a loved one or just a kind stranger.

Possibly then the best thing when people are with the dying is that at some point each day or whenever feels appropriate to all leave the room. Say out loud that you must all leave for the loo, a coffee, a smoke and wont be back for 10 mins or something. Then those that need the room empty to die can do so in peace, those that want to be surrounded by family can be. I really felt terrible for my fil. I'm damn sure that he would have not wanted his children to see him go. But for 5 days he was not left alone for even a minute. To my mind he could have gone a few days earlier and saved the suffering if he had just been left a few minutes. He was riddled with cancer so wasnt going to miraculously survive. Saying all that, it did help the direct family. I don't know the solution obviously, but we should think of those dying as well as those still living.

@saraclara

The trouble with a thread like this is it makes you doubt yourself.

I've spent a decade being comforted by the fact that my and my DD's were with my DH to the end, and that he knew we were there and felt our warmth and love. And now I have the majority of people here telling me how they and medical professionals believe that people want to be alone when they die.

I really wish I hadn't opened this thread, still less contributed.

I felt the same. I've been with two family members.

[quote DollyLostHerBrolly]@ConcernedAuntie I’ve never thought about it like that until you’ve mentioned it. I always thought it would bring great comfort to my family, as it did when I was (only just) beside my Dad when he died but now you’ve made me think just what would I feel.

A little off topic but when I went into labour and was in pain I initially didn’t want dh or dm in the room, I didn’t want them to see me like that and them not knowing what to do.[/quote]
A little off topic but when I went into labour and was in pain I initially didn’t want dh or dm in the room, I didn’t want them to see me like that and them not knowing what to do

I was the opposite they wouldn't let me phone anyone to come to the hospital to be with me.

Possibly then the best thing when people are with the dying is that at some point each day or whenever feels appropriate to all leave the room.

I held my dads hand while he passed. I didn't leave. 20 minutes after I arrived he had gone. Are you saying I should have given him the choice? Imagine how that makes people feel.

@RevolvingPivot

Possibly then the best thing when people are with the dying is that at some point each day or whenever feels appropriate to all leave the room.

I held my dads hand while he passed. I didn't leave. 20 minutes after I arrived he had gone. Are you saying I should have given him the choice? Imagine how that makes people feel.

Hmmm no and I probably worded it badly because frankly I've never been there when anyone died. My point was after days and days of someone always being there, they should probably leave the room now and again. If its true that many want to die alone they can take the opportunity.

I personally would like to die alone.

Having worked in nursing homes I also found lots of people waited until they were left alone and often thought it must have been stressful for some of the residents who wanted this, as they weren't in a position to tell family to go. I myself can't imagine anything worse than having my loved ones stood watching me gasp my last, is often isn't very peaceful and can be quite distressing to see to be honest.

@RevolvingPivot

Possibly then the best thing when people are with the dying is that at some point each day or whenever feels appropriate to all leave the room.

I held my dads hand while he passed. I didn't leave. 20 minutes after I arrived he had gone. Are you saying I should have given him the choice? Imagine how that makes people feel.

The pp has clarified what they meant, but actually the hope is that comfort is provided for those who weren't there having only popped out or left shortly. One of the first things DH said to me was "I shouldn't have come home." but knowing that she perhaps waited is of comfort. When she was told that she was in her final days she was given the choice of going home or to a care home, she chose the latter, perhaps to spare her (and us) the 24 HR sitting by her bed.

Either way, take comfort from knowing that you didn't do wrong.

As for "surrounded by loved ones" I take that to mean people were there in the final days and hours (not necessarily at the actual moment) rather than in the case of a relative of mine who died alone as a result of a crash.

It's a very personal decision.
My dd died alone( she was found by a stranger) it's one of many things that haunts me, as a mum.
That's how when my mum passed away 2 years later I was obsessed with her NOT dying alone. In my mums care home they assured us no one died alone.

I find this quite harsh to be honest. Our dearest wish would have been to sit with my df when he died last year. Unfortunately due to covid he died alone in a care home and my dm and his wife of nearly 70 years had to say goodbye through a window that only opened a small amount

@ParkheadParadise

It's a very personal decision. My dd died alone( she was found by a stranger) it's one of many things that haunts me, as a mum. That's how when my mum passed away 2 years later I was obsessed with her NOT dying alone. In my mums care home they assured us no one died alone.

I’ve been here a long time ( name changed ) and I remember how you lost your precious daughter @ParkheadParadise.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

to you , @Jakadaal and everyone on this thread who has lost a loved one.

My friend lost her Mum to cancer, and didn't have any palliative care. She died at home, in a painful, traumatic way and her Dad says 'she died peacefully with us by her side'

If your loved one died in peace surrounded by family... yeah, the obituary will reflect that. Sadly, some people die in awful pain or circumstances. No one is going to tell their local paper that.

Death is awful. Thinking of all of you.

@ParkheadParadise

It's a very personal decision. My dd died alone( she was found by a stranger) it's one of many things that haunts me, as a mum. That's how when my mum passed away 2 years later I was obsessed with her NOT dying alone. In my mums care home they assured us no one died alone.

Sorry to hear that.