To not believe the statement ‘died surrounded by loved ones’

[Meredithsbff]

I’ve always found comfort with reading the phrase “X died surrounded by their family” when learning of the death of someone. I often thought how lucky they were to have them there at the exact moment of death.

However, my neighbour passed away last year. She was elderly and her adult children weren’t very caring towards her. They were happy to rarely visit as she had 24 hour carers by the end. She died in the middle of the night after her carer realised she’d stopped breathing. Paramedics got her heart beating but when they stopped cpr it would stop again. One of her adult children arrived when it was too late. She had died on the floor with the paramedics and a carer who she had only met that day. However, fast forward to the funeral announcement and it was stated that she was “much loved and died surrounded by her closest family”.

Have I been naive all these years and it’s actually often a lie? I know it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things but I’d be interested to know if this is regular practice.

I would say most of the time in an expected death in hospital family are present, if they have nipped to the loo or we are in doing a turn sometimes it happens then but if the patients breathing had changed then I would probably keep the family very close by while moving them just in case.

Weirdly though I do think there is some element of choice sometimes. I had a patient who was very very unwell who was waiting for his first grandchild, an IVF baby and as soon as he saw her he said me "OK thats me done, funeral is all done, everything is in order, I'll go on Tuesday." The next day he was unresponsive and he died on the exact day he said.

Most posts seem to only imagine an elderly person at the end of their life. In reality, it can be from very young. The stage of your life makes a huge difference.

I don't think it's necessarily often a lie. Many do have someone with them when they die. Equally, knowing when someone is going to die can be difficult so it may be that someone dies alone or with carers because of circumstances.

I was with my Nan when she died and my Aunt was also with us. However, her death was very much expected and tbh, I essentially spent two days at her house with her, waiting for the inevitable I am glad I was with her during her final days but we were close and I visited a lot. That said, although her death was very peaceful and dignified, I did find it quite traumatic to watch someone I loved dearly die

On the other hand, my Grandad died when I was small. He was one of the 'wait until someone goes'. My mum was pregnant with my sister and sat/slept for 3 days next to his bed in the Christie while he was dying. He died when she went to quickly grab some things. We often wonder if he waited until he knew she wasn't there

My FIL died with his children, MIL and me gathered around in a hospital room. Watching someone die is something you never get over.

MIL died in a room by herself, DH missed her by 10 minutes. We had been getting the same "come quickly" phone calls over and over again for 4 months before she died. DH had gone to the wrong hospital, she had been transferred the week before and he forgot. He still feels guilty 8 years on.

The day before both of them died, they requested that their grandchildren came for a visit that day, and they both asked that their hair be brushed before the grandchildren saw them. Probably coincidental, could be that they knew it was their last chance to see them.

FIL had "surrounded by family" in his obituary, MIL did not.

@Ozanj

My gran used to say that in her experience dying people had an instinct (much like animals do) to die away from loved ones. This was back when death was much more common and so she knew many people who had died. She used to always say that preceeding a heart attack or stroke people would leave the house or go into the garden or go into a room alone & then you’d find them there. And that you could tell when a serious sick baby / toddler was about to die when they got slightly better suddenly & tried to move out of their parents arms.

I always thought that death as with birth was common across the board.

I know what you mean I think. My mum died from breast cancer and I moved home to look after her for the least few months when she really wasn’t coping. The last three weeks she was in a hospice.

I basically moved into the hospice with her, slept in the reclining chair at her bedside. During that time I left twice to go home for a shower and to pick up things for my mum like books and photos. While I was away my aunty stayed with her.

In time I was there were very few other visitors for other patients except Sunday afternoons. The nurses told me it was very unusual for a patient to have a visitor everyday and because I was in with my mum all the time, they were able to spend more time with other patients, the ones who got no visitors. Some of those people had no-one left to visit them but some of them did. People have work, children and also I think their own grief/sadness and fears of dying make it too difficult a thing to face, especially when you know there is no chance of someone coming out again.

For my mum’s eulogy there were family members who I mentioned as helping my mum and being there for her in her last days because they would have been offended and felt affronted or shamed if I hadn’t. But they weren’t really there much, if at all.

My wording of a relative's obituary had to have the phrase "passed away" instead of saying the person had died. I find that weird, when you don't have a "passing away" certificate, it's a death certificate. We don't need the flowery words and phrases imo.

I was with my mum. It felt very fitting that she saw me into the world and I saw her out of it.

@Meredithsbff
It doesn't really surprise me at all.
Lot's of people don't care about their family.
That statement could have been because of their guilt and/or not wanting other people to know that they didn't really care about her.

When my Dad died, my Mum,Brother & I were with him. We wouldn't have had it any other way

I take all family death announcements with a pinch of salt tbh.

My Uncle died at 47 from alcoholism. His death announcement read much loved son, brother, father and husband and said that he died unexpectedly in hospital. What a crock. He made my aunt and cousins lives a misery with his addiction - yes we all loved him dearly but we didn't love his actions or behaviour.

A few years ago my friend's mother was dying of cancer. She was at home and they had a Macmillan Nurse staying overnight so my friend and her brother could get some rest. In the final days the nurse asked them if they wanted to be woken up during the night if the time was near. My friend didn't know what to do, her mum had slipped into unconsciousness a day or two before and they had already said their goodbyes.

The nurse very gently said that her mum had already "gone" and that the decision to be there or not for her final breaths was for her benefit, not her mums.

She decided not to be woken, though her brother asked for the opposite and in the end both were happy with the decision they had taken.

@JulesCobb

My mum used to work in nursing homes. She often said the residents often died after their families left for the evening.

Yes my MIL passed away less than 30 minutes after DH and his Aunt (her sister left) We knew it was a waiting game, but she slipped away peacefully in the end.

@Ozanj

My gran used to say that in her experience dying people had an instinct (much like animals do) to die away from loved ones. This was back when death was much more common and so she knew many people who had died. She used to always say that preceeding a heart attack or stroke people would leave the house or go into the garden or go into a room alone & then you’d find them there. And that you could tell when a serious sick baby / toddler was about to die when they got slightly better suddenly & tried to move out of their parents arms.

I think you’ll find that death is just about as common now as it’s always been…

My dad died last year. Myself, my Mum and my sister were there as he slipped away. It was comforting for us to be with him, supporting him until the end.

My granny and my great granny died surrounded by family, as did all other family members who died in hospital. The only one who didn't was a very sudden heart attack death when it was very unexpected.

Obviously if it's the middle of the night not in hospital it won't be surrounded by loved ones, but I honestly don't know why they would say that in the obituary if it wasn't true! Some people do die suddenly and it's impossible for family to be around in many of those circumstances, which is not a reflection on the family IMO.

My employers use a phrase - "Xxxxx death is not only a loss to their family but to all of us at Xxxx".

Utter tripe. One particular person was certainly not mourned. One colleague quipped that this person should be buried at a crossroads at midnight - with a stake through their heart - just to make sure they were dead!

My dad was in hospital for the last 10 days of his life. There are 4 of us and we made sure someone was always there to be with him as he drifted in and out of consciousness. Day 9 was my wedding anniversary and my siblings suggested we go for a meal ( we all needed some respite), and return in the morning. Not only did my dad die when none of us were there but he didn't die on my wedding anniversary.

My Mum died from COPD. In her final days at home she had me, my brother, my SIL and my auntie with her. We reminisced, sang her favourite songs, held her hand, brushed her hair and told her how much she was loved. On her last night it was obvious she was going and we all stayed up with her. She waited until everyone was asleep and then slipped away quietly. That's how she was. Never wanted to make a fuss.

My FIL died with his wife and 2 sons at his bedside , and my mum died at home with 3 daughters , a grandson and SIL around the bed . I was a night staff nurse for about 25 yrs and lots of people had family sitting with them for ages and then died as soon as the family left and only a nurse was present , it was quite strange .

It felt very fitting that she saw me into the world and I saw her out of it.

I felt exactly the same when my mum died. It felt ‘right’. 💐

My grandfather asked my mum, with whom he was particularly close with, to leave the room. He died 5 mins after she left the room, with his wife and my father (his son in law) there with him.

My DH died with me and our DDs around him, and the cat sitting on the bed. We knew it was happening, so the girls and I were chatting together, perched on the bed, sharing memories and laughing, keeping each other, (and him) company in a warm and loving way.

If it's a peaceful death (and he'd been in a coma for 24 hours, so it was), it's a very comforting thing. It was actively positive, because we'd given him what he wanted - to die peacefully at home. When he breathed his last, the three of us hugged each other happily, not sadly.

But I know we were lucky to have that, and not all deaths are as good.

We were so lucky @waterlego. 💐

Its horrific seeing a loved one die, nothing like the movies. But a little bit like a loved one going under anesthetic suddenly pre surgery.
Wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy.

@Ozanj

My gran used to say that in her experience dying people had an instinct (much like animals do) to die away from loved ones. This was back when death was much more common and so she knew many people who had died. She used to always say that preceeding a heart attack or stroke people would leave the house or go into the garden or go into a room alone & then you’d find them there. And that you could tell when a serious sick baby / toddler was about to die when they got slightly better suddenly & tried to move out of their parents arms.

I think there may be some truth in this. I sat up with my mum all night before she died. I was stroking her hair, putting lip balm on her lips because they were dry, putting those things you soak in water into her mouth so she wouldn't be thirsty and telling her it was okay for her to go, that we didn't want her to be in pain and we'd all be fine (big fat lie, obviously!). She was in a coma. And then went out for a fag - I used to smoke. A nurse came running out to get me and when I got back she'd died. I felt that she'd wanted me gone before she went. I might just be comforting myself but even if I am I felt that she went in her own time.