To not believe the statement ‘died surrounded by loved ones’

[Meredithsbff]

I’ve always found comfort with reading the phrase “X died surrounded by their family” when learning of the death of someone. I often thought how lucky they were to have them there at the exact moment of death.

However, my neighbour passed away last year. She was elderly and her adult children weren’t very caring towards her. They were happy to rarely visit as she had 24 hour carers by the end. She died in the middle of the night after her carer realised she’d stopped breathing. Paramedics got her heart beating but when they stopped cpr it would stop again. One of her adult children arrived when it was too late. She had died on the floor with the paramedics and a carer who she had only met that day. However, fast forward to the funeral announcement and it was stated that she was “much loved and died surrounded by her closest family”.

Have I been naive all these years and it’s actually often a lie? I know it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things but I’d be interested to know if this is regular practice.

@randomlyLostInWales

Is it down to interpetation of the phrase.

We've had family head back from around the world - in some cases literally other side of the globe - and visits weeks/days/hours before to be seen and good byes said but they weren't there at the exact moment - family usually in hospital and homes and with one it was few minutes after a relative left for the night.

Yes, this is my interpretation of it in my own family, as we live all over the place. If everyone gets back to the same town and sees the dying person, I'd say they died surrounded by loved ones.

One relative died in a public place, fairly unexpectedly, (although he was in his nineties), and it just so happened that his immediate family were right beside him when he died. That's the only time I can think of the saying "surrounded by loved ones" to literally be true.

@Justmuddlingalong

My wording of a relative's obituary had to have the phrase "passed away" instead of saying the person had died. I find that weird, when you don't have a "passing away" certificate, it's a death certificate. We don't need the flowery words and phrases imo.

I don't need anything to stand in for 'died', but some people do. And it's only fair to use the wording that those closest to the deceased is/are comfortable with. It's not for us to tell them what words they should use.

I had to inform a group of people of someone's death just a few days ago, and I knew the spouse would see the message. So though I would normally use the word died, as he'd told me that his wife had passed away, that's the wording I used..

With my DGF, the whole family gathered from far and near (up to 20 at any time!) while he lay dying for a full week. By day 5, we were on our knees, so set up shifts. My cousin and I were on the 10:00 to 2:00 am shift, and he died as his 3 DC were coming in at the end of the long hallway. I'm sure he did not want them to have to watch. I'm honored to have been with him.

With my DF, he died at home, with all of his DC, wife and SIL around him. It was peaceful and beautiful and expected. The medical staff were amazing. They told us it would be that week, then in the next 48 hours, then within 6 hours. They were right, and we could plan accordingly. That really helped.

With my best friend, she was in hospital and we got told it was imminent. Her family, and some of us, her best friends and colleagues, were with her for the last 5 or 6 hours, and we got to say our goodbyes. It was hard up to the last 30 minutes, but then very peaceful.

With my DM, I wasn't there but my siblings caught her last breaths. That one was not expected.

I'm glad I had the opportunity, the good fortune, the privilege to be with those I loved. I do not, however, want anyone around when I go. I've told my DH that there are to be NO friends or colleagues there at the last. That is a step too far for me. Selfish, but how I feel.

@Boatonthehorizon

Its horrific seeing a loved one die, nothing like the movies. But a little bit like a loved one going under anesthetic suddenly pre surgery. Wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy.

I totally disagree , my poor dad died very suddenly at home from a heart attack when he was 51 , my mum and sister found him dead in an armchair when they came in from dealing with our horses . For 30 +yrs I’ve regretted that he died alone with nobody to help him or even just hold his hand and was very glad that we could all be with my mum when she passed . I’m not sure if it’s linked but I’m completely at peace with my mums death which was 2 years ago and have still not really dealt with my dads .

I get the impression (no idea if this is right), that most expected deaths happen when the dying person is asleep or heavily sedated.

I know relatives can feel very guilty for not being there right at the end, but maybe the person dying wouldn’t have known if they were there or not.

When my mother died we had a full room inc her two kids, husband, father, two siblings, siblings in law and several nieces and nephews. it was exactly how she wanted it.

All four of my grandparents had all three of their kids at their side (and if still alive their spouse). so no i don't think it is always a lie.

I knew DM was frightened of being alone. The high dependency unit staff were wonderful, very supportive. DM died while holding hands with DF and my brother; I was sitting next to her.

The last 45 minutes was pretty rough on us, but we knew she didn’t died afraid, and I was the final act of love we could do for her.

However, most of the time I think the phrase means “had seen their family and said goodbyes”

DM died with 12 of us around her. It still gives me comfort.

I know everyone dies but I do understand what Ozani meant more exposure to death in everyday life in past eg childhood mortality a lot higher. Lots of people are adult before they experience death in family due to life expectancy now.

Dying is a process that sometimes takes weeks. Maybe that's what they meant.

My DF had us all around him.
We had a connection and I’m not sure it’s what he would have wanted, although he probably wasn’t bothered.

I would prefer to die alone I think

I've experienced a grandparent and a parents death, neither were like they are depicted on screen. It took much longer than I was expecting from withdrawal of treatment to death (it actually didn't feel very humane how long it dragged out) and I'm sorry to say that one of the deaths I attended wasn't a gentle last breath. I grew up a lot that day. I do try and balance it out that there were 80 odd good years prior to their last unpleasant day.

I don't need anything to stand in for 'died', but some people do. And it's only fair to use the wording that those closest to the deceased is/are comfortable with. It's not for us to tell them what words they should use.

And yet that's exactly what happened. I was the close family member trying to get a newspaper obituary printed. Neither I, nor the deceased would use the phrase "passed away." The rules of the newspaper deemed the use of the word "died" as inappropriate.

@3scape

I'm in care a lot of people have died alone. A lot have died with company. Announcements are always a sop to the living though.

Yes Those that read "died peacefully" omit that the person was in 5 years of pain leading up to that.

We kept a vigil for a relative. She waited for all the family to leave the room for 2 minutes when nursing staff arrived and died literally a minute after we walked out the door. Any nurse or carer will tell you this is common.

I know in Buddhist thinking, the presence of the family can be seen as a distraction in the important dying process because it anchors the soul to the body at a time when there's an opportunity to leave this life behind and gain enlightenment. It's interesting that so many people from all faiths and none seem to quietly wait for a chance to slip away.

Also for the people saying they wouldn't want to watch their loved ones die, well I didn't really I would much rather I was watching them dance or enjoy themselves but apparently it was their time to go so I watched that instead. Yes it was traumatic and something that will stick with me for a long long time, would I do it again for a loved one? In a heartbeat.

Many of the people I cared for were horribly lonely in their last few years/ months because family very rarely visited (if at all), but it was amazing how many relatives appeared when they were told death was imminent.

So yes many people die 'surrounded by loved ones', but it often isn't for the right reasons. In my experience people just want to be around to make sure they get their fair share of their relative's possessions. Working as a carer can make you very cynical.

My husband died with me at his side in the early hours. It was an expected death so the hospital let me be with him. It was peaceful and I was there because he didn't want to be alone. It gives me comfort to know i could do that for him.

Interesting.
Not quite the same thing but when my DF died from an unexpected heart attack, he'd just stepped out of the car after driving my DM and DA home from holiday. I like to think he'd somehow (perhaps a sixth sense - and I'm absolutely not 'woo') hung on until he'd got them to safety.

We were all with my mum when she died. I was holding her hand. To be perfectly honest, I don't think she really knew we were there, she was so heavily sedated which was a good thing.

@TheCuttySharp

My Granny died in her bed with her children and grandchildren sat around her. Her hand was held. We sang her favourite songs. We each had a few minutes alone, to talk to her. She wasn't conscious but as she took her last breath she she'd a single tear. I like to think she knew we were there.

It’s quite possible that she did know you were - hearing is one of the last senses to go and music / songs are stored deep in our memories.

Patients who recover often recall things that were said when they were supposedly unconscious.

Both my DGPs died surrounded by loved ones, in their own home and at a good age.

It breaks my fucking heart knowing I wasn't there at the end for my lovely wee mum the guilt I feel is horrific

It's like when the person who has died is described as a lovely person, so caring and bubbly natter what they were actually like when they were alive.

People differ. I think I would prefer to be alone whereas my mother's granny died with loads of her 10 children around and when she was dying called out that she could see a beautiful lady in the top corner of the room (the Blessed Virgin Mary apparently). My mother was present. My mother died in the night at home, alone as my father was asleep upstairs but I think for her letting go and dying was something to be done alone and I suspect I will feel the same a bit like at times I felt I wanted to give birth alone in the silent dark and peace.