To not believe the statement ‘died surrounded by loved ones’

[Meredithsbff]

I’ve always found comfort with reading the phrase “X died surrounded by their family” when learning of the death of someone. I often thought how lucky they were to have them there at the exact moment of death.

However, my neighbour passed away last year. She was elderly and her adult children weren’t very caring towards her. They were happy to rarely visit as she had 24 hour carers by the end. She died in the middle of the night after her carer realised she’d stopped breathing. Paramedics got her heart beating but when they stopped cpr it would stop again. One of her adult children arrived when it was too late. She had died on the floor with the paramedics and a carer who she had only met that day. However, fast forward to the funeral announcement and it was stated that she was “much loved and died surrounded by her closest family”.

Have I been naive all these years and it’s actually often a lie? I know it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things but I’d be interested to know if this is regular practice.

Not everyone wants loved ones around them at the point of death. Both from personal experience, and from what I hear from doctors and nurses, many people, who are very close to family members during their illness, will seem to 'pull away' and withdraw when they are close to death, and indeed sometimes seem to wait to leave when their loved ones are out of the room.

I know I would prefer not to have a deathbed vigil around me when it is my time to go.

Yeah it’s a lie. As is the ‘died peacefully’ statement. I’ve witnessed a few deaths and there was nothing ‘peaceful’ about any of them. It’s a lie to make the death “easier” to come to terms with for everyone else.
That’s my experience anyway.

@CakeandGo

Yeah it’s a lie. As is the ‘died peacefully’ statement. I’ve witnessed a few deaths and there was nothing ‘peaceful’ about any of them. It’s a lie to make the death “easier” to come to terms with for everyone else. That’s my experience anyway.

My mum died very peacefully. Her breathing got slower, shallower and more spaced out, and then she just didn’t take another one. It might be your experience but that doesn’t make it a lie as such.

These messages always have their own set of platitudes - died [at home / in a care home / in hospital] after a [long/short] illness etc. etc.

We were with DGM when she went; it was an expected death and by that point she was dosed up on morphine and sedatives, and the death rattle went on for the best part of 24 hours. Frankly at that point I would have opted for euthanasia as there is no benefit to be gained from lingering in thath way.

DGF went quite suddenly in the night at a good age, in his own home - it was so unexpected there had to be a post mortem, which showed it was a heart attack. I suspect he had a couple of minutes of pain and a bit of an "oh shit" moment, but at least it was quick. No one was with him - someone was in the next room, and he was simply found the next morning.

Given the choice, I know which way I'd rather go.

My nan died last
Year, during lockdown but we were allowed to the hospital with her and to stay while she passed.

As soon as we arrived (she was taken in by ambulance) we were warned it was time and sat with her. Medical staff can normally tell so I don't think it is that uncommon.

The officiant at the funeral did make 3 mistakes during the speech though, it was written with us over the phone and then emailed to me on the day of the funeral. I had emailed back immediately to point out the mistakes but they were left in. The worst was missing one of my brother's names out when listing children and grandchildren.

My uncle died with his wife and my dad- his brother, there. My aunt told him that it was alright for him to go and he did, about 10 minutes later. Similarly, my grandad woke up with a touch of angina and had sent my grandma to make a cup of tea. He died just as she left the room. She heard it and she was with him but he nipped out when she wasn't looking, as it were. I'm sure they both chose it.

I would be with my parents if they chose it. My dad, I think, would just want mum. They have a big age gap & she'll likely outlive him- if I was able and she wanted it, I'd be there. Personally, I'd go alone or only with my partner with me, if I can. I have always assumed the "surrounded by family" means people in the house/around/visited. I've certainly always hoped that's what it means. I couldn't bear being watched by everyone in one big crowd as I went.

@Meredithsbff

I’ve always found comfort with reading the phrase “X died surrounded by their family” when learning of the death of someone. I often thought how lucky they were to have them there at the exact moment of death.

However, my neighbour passed away last year. She was elderly and her adult children weren’t very caring towards her. They were happy to rarely visit as she had 24 hour carers by the end. She died in the middle of the night after her carer realised she’d stopped breathing. Paramedics got her heart beating but when they stopped cpr it would stop again. One of her adult children arrived when it was too late. She had died on the floor with the paramedics and a carer who she had only met that day. However, fast forward to the funeral announcement and it was stated that she was “much loved and died surrounded by her closest family”.

Have I been naive all these years and it’s actually often a lie? I know it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things but I’d be interested to know if this is regular practice.

it's to make death seem less upsetting.

I don't know if people have an instinct to be alone - I imagine I would, but its just a guess - but my friend who is a nurse is quite convinced that people usually know when their death is imminent, especially if they are old. She told me that if someone tells her 'I will die tomorrow' they usually do.

I wonder if it's a case of the dying person simply relaxes when they're on their own, lets go. A bit like when you get into bed after a hard day and everything just slips way

@Justmuddlingalong

I don't need anything to stand in for 'died', but some people do. And it's only fair to use the wording that those closest to the deceased is/are comfortable with. It's not for us to tell them what words they should use.

And yet that's exactly what happened. I was the close family member trying to get a newspaper obituary printed. Neither I, nor the deceased would use the phrase "passed away." The rules of the newspaper deemed the use of the word "died" as inappropriate.

Wow. That's appalling. What gives a newspaper the right to dictate that? I'm really shocked, and obviously it didn't occur to me as a possibility when I read your post. I'm sorry you were forced into that. I'd have been angry about it too.

@BSideBaby

Many of the people I cared for were horribly lonely in their last few years/ months because family very rarely visited (if at all), but it was amazing how many relatives appeared when they were told death was imminent.

So yes many people die 'surrounded by loved ones', but it often isn't for the right reasons. In my experience people just want to be around to make sure they get their fair share of their relative's possessions. Working as a carer can make you very cynical.

I hope my DGM's care home didn't think that of me

She was only in there 2 months, I was there to help move her in, visited after a month and came when they said she was dying - I ended up taking a week off work and spent weeks after that trying to catch up. I'm in another city, her move in coincided with work peak season (90+ hour weeks), and visiting at that time of year was always difficult.

I screwed myself work-wise to be with her when she was dying, because I cared about her. I would hate to think the care home staff thought I was only there to get my hands on her possessions

@mogratpineapple

I wonder if it's a case of the dying person simply relaxes when they're on their own, lets go. A bit like when you get into bed after a hard day and everything just slips way

I think that’s a lovely way of looking at it.

Blossomtoes

“I was with my mum. It felt very fitting that she saw me into the world and I saw her out of it.”

When my father died recently I had a similar thought. My mum gave birth to me at home and my dad was there when I was born. My dad died at home and I was there with him when he died. It seemed poetic almost.

Before his death I had never seen anyone die. I was shocked. It was slow. And I know he was in pain, right up until we managed to get him on a morphine drip the day before he died.

Then I knew he was pain free and, I hope peaceful.

Fortunately my mum, brother and me were all with him for his last days and I’m sure he felt loved and cared for.

I miss him terribly.

@CakeandGo

Yeah it’s a lie. As is the ‘died peacefully’ statement. I’ve witnessed a few deaths and there was nothing ‘peaceful’ about any of them. It’s a lie to make the death “easier” to come to terms with for everyone else. That’s my experience anyway.

Just because it wasn't your experience doesn't make it a lie. As I posted earlier, my husband's death was entirely gentle and peaceful. In fact just like @MaMelon's experience (his) breathing got slower, shallower and more spaced out, and then (he) just didn’t take another one

My father had a longish hospitalisation before he died. My mother was with him most of the time (and he didn't manage very well when she wasn't; which included at least one period of time she was admitted too). My sister and I were able to talk to him by phone twice a day till about the last week or so when he deteriorated. Both our parents had been clear with us some weeks before that we had to put our own families first, before flying home to see him. We booked flights at the very end of the half term holiday.

Family friends collected me from the airport and took me to the hospital. My father died about 3 hours after I got there. My strong impression is that he waited till my mother would not be alone.

I’ve never assumed it’s meant literally, as in the loved ones were physically in the room with them when it happened. I take it to mean it’s code for “it wasn’t unexpected and the family were aware it was imminent and had said their goodbyes”, I may be wrong though!

Yes, this. I think you're being far too literal.

@Marove

I suppose it reads better than " was greedy nasty manipulating and selfish. Abused everyone she came in contact with including her own children and family but managed to turn on the water works and gain enough sympathy so everyone thought she was the victim and cursed her family for not visiting her so inevitably she died a much deserved lonely death that nobody gave a shit about"

this made me laugh as it perfectly describes one of my grandmothers!

My lovely mum died at 2 in the morning after me and my dad and my sister had been there, sometimes alone and sometimes all together, all day from 9.30 am til 10pm, as we had the day before and the day before that. She was another example of people waiting til you've gone. I have always felt a bit horrible about it, but a couple of my friends who are nurses have told me that people often go when their relative has popped to the loo, or to get a 10 minute breath of air. It's impossible to be there 100% of the time, but my mum knew we loved her so much.

I dont know.

People like and find comfort in all sorts of different things, everyone always said to me 'I want to go like x, peacefully in my sleep' and as a kid that upset me and everyone said 'you'll understand when you grow up'.

Well Im grown up now and had this conversation with DH yesterday and he agreed, we cant think of anything worse than going to sleep thinking you have tomorrow ahead of you to just never wake up.

We both would like forewarning of our impending doom not to be caught completely off gaurd (not that we get a say anyway).

Not only would it be awful that we never got time to complete all the things we wanted and had planned or to tell our loved ones goodbye for our own wants but also for each other.

I mean I can think of only one thing worse and more traumatising than waking up next to my husband dead body without warning (worse would be if it was one of our children) and he agrees vice versa.

I appreciate other posters point about not wanting their family seeing that (someone in my family died from a sudden accute illness but family got there to say goodbye and it was apparently awful - quite a grusome and painful death with lots of leaking body fluids) but I also wouldnt want it to be sudden.

Sounds odd but maybe terminal would be the best way to go for me, have time to finish things up, say goodbye, make peace with everything and know how its likely to end (so I can make an informed decision on who should witness it).

So I guess In a perfect world long down the line in old age I just need to get a terminal illness thats not painful, physically crippling or horrific to watch.

I think I’d like to be on my own when I die.

I'm more concerned about what my death would be like for those I leave behind. And a sudden death would be awful I think. Having time to come to terms with what was going to happen, to have time to say goodbye, and though I hate the term to 'make memories' made the grief process much easier for me and my daughters. And fortunately my husband didn't suffer too much.

So just a few weeks notice and not too much pain for me, please.

@AdventuresDownRabbitholes We were with DGM when she went; it was an expected death and by that point she was dosed up on morphine and sedatives, and the death rattle went on for the best part of 24 hours. Frankly at that point I would have opted for euthanasia as there is no benefit to be gained from lingering in thath way

That's exactly how I felt with my parent, you wouldn't let an animal linger on in that state and yes to the death rattle, not a noise you forget! I wish it had been peaceful deaths that I witnessed. I think it's good people discuss their experiences, the good and the bad. One of the things I found was that death was a surprise to me (I read up about it afterwards - for example about people's appetites naturally dwindling towards their last days) a bit like ante-natal classes we could do with learning about the process of dying and that just like birth it can be fast or slow, painful or uplifting, planned or unexpected.

@mam0918

I dont know.

People like and find comfort in all sorts of different things, everyone always said to me 'I want to go like x, peacefully in my sleep' and as a kid that upset me and everyone said 'you'll understand when you grow up'.

Well Im grown up now and had this conversation with DH yesterday and he agreed, we cant think of anything worse than going to sleep thinking you have tomorrow ahead of you to just never wake up.

We both would like forewarning of our impending doom not to be caught completely off gaurd (not that we get a say anyway).

Not only would it be awful that we never got time to complete all the things we wanted and had planned or to tell our loved ones goodbye for our own wants but also for each other.

I mean I can think of only one thing worse and more traumatising than waking up next to my husband dead body without warning (worse would be if it was one of our children) and he agrees vice versa.

I appreciate other posters point about not wanting their family seeing that (someone in my family died from a sudden accute illness but family got there to say goodbye and it was apparently awful - quite a grusome and painful death with lots of leaking body fluids) but I also wouldnt want it to be sudden.

Sounds odd but maybe terminal would be the best way to go for me, have time to finish things up, say goodbye, make peace with everything and know how its likely to end (so I can make an informed decision on who should witness it).

So I guess In a perfect world long down the line in old age I just need to get a terminal illness thats not painful, physically crippling or horrific to watch.

I feel the same. I'm just hoping euthanasia is legal and humane by the time I'm very old, should I be lucky enough to get there. I've told this story before on this site but our old family veterinarian had to retire when he was an old man in poor health, his practice was his life, his wife had died many years before and his children and grandchildren had their own lives. One night made all his arrangements, went to bed and overdosed himself on anaesthetic. I knew him from the time I was a child to the time I graduated college and saw him give a few of our pets a peaceful end. He was an empathetic man but a no-nonsense sort, an old-school vet. I couldn't help but think he had the right idea.

My sister is a doctor and said to me she wouldn't let family watch her die.

I think it’s a common phrase and often used to fill a space.

We used it when my Dad passed away; he was surrounded by his loved ones.