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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Leave DSD out of honeymoon holiday

670 replies

Honeymare · 23/08/2021 11:21

My DP and I are getting married next year. Like most people we have been through some tough times with covid and throw in aggressive cancer treatment for me, and losing a parent each.

I am really looking forward now, to the wedding, the marriage, the honeymoon. I have started a new business and starting to feel nearly myself healthwise.

We have been saving for the wedding / honeymoon. I haven't been in a foreign holiday in years, we booked then cancelled at three due to illness then covid came. We are really splashing out on the honeymoon (relative to our own earnings and lifestyle obviously).

We have a 3 year old DC and a 15 year old DSD. DSD comes to us regularly (eow and one or two nights for dinner every week) but not 50%. We always include her in holiday plans but she often changes her mind last minute if she gets a better offer from her mum's side of the family who are extremely wealthy. Anything we plan to do is always met with scorn and open sneering, clearly reiterates from the mum's side of the family. This ranges from something as small as a cake we offer "I only eat really good quality cakes from specialist bakeries" to bigger things. I know she is only mimicking behaviour she's observed but it gets wearing. She has siblings but they are older, have moved out of home and rarely visit.

I get on fine with her but I do find dealing with her stressful. She is not pleased about her younger sibling and will only say hello or goodbye under duress. Otherwise she ignores her completely. We have tried multiple strategies and it's not changing. Her perogative i suppose.

Now to the dilemma.

I don't want to leave DC at home for our honeymoon, she's too young so we have planned two nights in a luxury hotel at home then taking her to a really plush resort with us for two weeks. The trip is costing us a lot. I know it would be one of the few things we do up to DSD's standards and she would probably like to come but it won't feel anything like a honeymoon to me with her there, ignoring her sibling and demanding everything is done her way. I know I will not enjoy it.

And of course there is always the risk she will decide not to come last minute if her other family come up with something more interesting (it's happened before). And its way too much money to lose.

I'm prepared to be told I'm BU to consider going without her and explaining that it's a honeymoon but her sibling is too young to be left at home.

Thoughts please..

YABU your DC is going, its a family holiday, of course invite her
YANBU it's your honeymoon, you should enjoy it

OP posts:

EL8888 · 23/08/2021 11:23

I wouldn’t invite either child, l know that’s not what you have asked but it’s a honeymoon. Life is too short l think, relax and properly enjoy yourself child free

toothpicklover · 23/08/2021 11:24

Book during school term, problem solved then.

She has plenty of holidays with her other family by the sounds of it so I don't think this is an issue.

gamerchick · 23/08/2021 11:24

I wouldn't take either kid. Problem solved.

Clymene · 23/08/2021 11:26

It's your honeymoon. Of course you don't need to take her.

ChoppyStu · 23/08/2021 11:27

Book during school term, problem solved then

Yes, could you not just do this?

MyShoelaceIsUndone · 23/08/2021 11:28

I’d invite her. We all have different opinions but if your taking the younger one then I’d have to invite the elder

AryaStarkWolf · 23/08/2021 11:28

@toothpicklover

Book during school term, problem solved then.

She has plenty of holidays with her other family by the sounds of it so I don't think this is an issue.

Georgieporgie29 · 23/08/2021 11:29

You will probably get bashed on here for hating your DSD or something but honestly it’s your honeymoon, I wouldn’t invite her. If you can have someone look after your DC whilst you’re away then I wouldn’t take them either. If not, then obviously they will need to be taken.

Dragon50 · 23/08/2021 11:30

What’s DH opinion?

That’s probably your starting point?

Marni83 · 23/08/2021 11:32

You miss one very very important point

What does the girls father, your fiancé, want?

user1471457751 · 23/08/2021 11:32

I was going to say of course you have to take her if you take your biological child but her behaviour is disgusting, I wouldn't reward her with a holiday. She cancels constantly, so you can't even guarantee she will go even if she says yes. And even if she goes, it will be a shot holiday for everyone with her ignoring her younger sibling.

CoffeeTopUp · 23/08/2021 11:33

If you can get family childcare for your 3YO, I think she is old enough to be left. Enjoy your honeymoon! If you really don’t feel she can be left, I think it’s fine to not invite the 15YO. My first instinct was to say YABU but reading your post, it sounds likely she’d spoil it or not even come once you’ve paid.

Sunbird24 · 23/08/2021 11:34

If you had your own grumpy 15 year old and someone to leave them with you wouldn’t be taking them on your honeymoon, I don’t see that this is any different…

BaronessBomburst · 23/08/2021 11:35

It's your honeymoon, not a holiday. Children are not invited, unless too young to be left. No one in their right mind will think that she's being reasonable if she complains that she wasn't invited on your honeymoon!

LynseyLoses · 23/08/2021 11:38

@EL8888

I wouldn’t invite either child, l know that’s not what you have asked but it’s a honeymoon. Life is too short l think, relax and properly enjoy yourself child free

Yes, this^^.

If you've got childcare for your dd, don't miss the only chance you get to have a honeymoon with your stbdh

Marni83 · 23/08/2021 11:39

I can’t understand why you’re all answering when we have no idea the father’s perspective on this

Bollindger · 23/08/2021 11:43

To be honest , I would tell her a white lie.
Say Granny is having your DD.
Then just pretend it went wrong at the last moment, this way DSD can't kick up a fuss.
But really I would see if you could have a real child free honeymoon.
Do not post pictures of DD while she is with you if she does go.

negomi90 · 23/08/2021 11:45

I wouldn't take 1 child without the other. Offer to take both or take none.
But for a teen watching her father get married and then take the new baby (which she is already insecure about) on honeymoon without her will feel like favouritism and really impact that relationship badly. She will feel replaced and displaced by you and the little one and no amount of rational conversation will stop those feelings.
Also as a parent taking one kid on honeymoon but not the other would be weird. If you want your kids there, you should want all of them unless there are big issues in the relationship (in Which case you should be working on those issues).
If you're taking a 3 year old you aren't having an adult only sexy honeymoon and she will know that too.
Don't take either and enjoy an adult orientated holiday.

Marni83 · 23/08/2021 11:46

@Bollindger

To be honest , I would tell her a white lie. Say Granny is having your DD. Then just pretend it went wrong at the last moment, this way DSD can't kick up a fuss. But really I would see if you could have a real child free honeymoon. Do not post pictures of DD while she is with you if she does go.

Do not do this Making something as lovely and positive as a honeymoon - part of a web of deceit

You are an adult.
This is your fiancé’s daughter

If my partner suggested doing this to MY child, I would call off the wedding

Original poster

Honeymare · 23/08/2021 11:47

We don't have a suitable childcare option to leave DC so I've found a resort that is luxury with loads of childcare support. It is way beyond our normal holiday budget hence my heavy deliberating about our holiday experience.

Sorry I should have included DF's opinion; he ideally wants us to leave all DC and have a proper honeymoon but agrees the childcare options aren't suitable. He would like to bring both the children if it was up to him but seems primarily focused on making me happy.

The thing is I know most of DSD's behaviour is coming from a place of anxiety at being replaced, she's a young 15 and not very fair to hold her accountable. I know it would send a strong message that she's as important as our DC to include her in the plans. But I know I won't have a good time.

So my dilemma really is do the right thing or do the selfish thing.

OP posts:

Marni83 · 23/08/2021 11:47

And that isn’t a “white lie”

It’s a lie.

Marni83 · 23/08/2021 11:48

* He would like to bring both the children if it was up to him but seems primarily focused on making me happy. *

That would be a red flag to me.

Original poster

Honeymare · 23/08/2021 11:48

@Marni83

I can’t understand why you’re all answering when we have no idea the father’s perspective on this

Apologies you're right, I addressed this in my last post.

OP posts:

Icecreamsoda99 · 23/08/2021 11:49

What does your DH to be think? Personally I would consider leaving the three year old with gps if poss, not really a honeymoon with a toddler in toe unless there is a kids club, babysitting service? Is it family friendly where you are going?

Icecreamsoda99 · 23/08/2021 11:50

Cross posted!

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