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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leave DSD out of honeymoon holiday

670 replies

Honeymare · 23/08/2021 11:21

My DP and I are getting married next year. Like most people we have been through some tough times with covid and throw in aggressive cancer treatment for me, and losing a parent each.

I am really looking forward now, to the wedding, the marriage, the honeymoon. I have started a new business and starting to feel nearly myself healthwise.

We have been saving for the wedding / honeymoon. I haven't been in a foreign holiday in years, we booked then cancelled at three due to illness then covid came. We are really splashing out on the honeymoon (relative to our own earnings and lifestyle obviously).

We have a 3 year old DC and a 15 year old DSD. DSD comes to us regularly (eow and one or two nights for dinner every week) but not 50%. We always include her in holiday plans but she often changes her mind last minute if she gets a better offer from her mum's side of the family who are extremely wealthy. Anything we plan to do is always met with scorn and open sneering, clearly reiterates from the mum's side of the family. This ranges from something as small as a cake we offer "I only eat really good quality cakes from specialist bakeries" to bigger things. I know she is only mimicking behaviour she's observed but it gets wearing. She has siblings but they are older, have moved out of home and rarely visit.

I get on fine with her but I do find dealing with her stressful. She is not pleased about her younger sibling and will only say hello or goodbye under duress. Otherwise she ignores her completely. We have tried multiple strategies and it's not changing. Her perogative i suppose.

Now to the dilemma.

I don't want to leave DC at home for our honeymoon, she's too young so we have planned two nights in a luxury hotel at home then taking her to a really plush resort with us for two weeks. The trip is costing us a lot. I know it would be one of the few things we do up to DSD's standards and she would probably like to come but it won't feel anything like a honeymoon to me with her there, ignoring her sibling and demanding everything is done her way. I know I will not enjoy it.

And of course there is always the risk she will decide not to come last minute if her other family come up with something more interesting (it's happened before). And its way too much money to lose.

I'm prepared to be told I'm BU to consider going without her and explaining that it's a honeymoon but her sibling is too young to be left at home.

Thoughts please..

YABU your DC is going, its a family holiday, of course invite her
YANBU it's your honeymoon, you should enjoy it

OP posts:
mamaoffourdc · 25/08/2021 10:32

I think you should go the 3 of you x

Holshicup · 25/08/2021 10:36

If anyone deserves a drama free wonderful honeymoon it's you op.

howtodealwithit · 25/08/2021 11:53

@ilovebrie8

The teen needs help, that is worrying and disturbing behaviour and not normal at all. I'd not have her in your home around your 3 year old....
I agree with this, and as a Mum who's son has had a step mum/brother in the past I would have been very keen to work with them to move forward and sort out her behaviour. It sounds like the mother is encouraging it which is disgusting.

I imagine the SD is going through all sorts of emotions - it can't be easy to suddenly have a new sibling appear in your teens, and personally I think that it shouldn't be expected that she should think it's an amazing thing - but, it doesn't justify her behaviour and I wouldn't have her near young children until she's got the support she needs.

Original poster
Honeymare · 25/08/2021 12:11

The replies here are phenomenal, particularly as they are so varied. People have given really interesting and valuable insights into their own differing perspectives. It's strange (or perhaps not) the thread began with me asking about a very specific issue but it has opened up so many other topics. I want to go through the replies again to read them carefully and will respond. Thank you so much to everyone who replied.

OP posts:
Laburnam · 25/08/2021 12:27

I haven’t fully read everything but it’s your wedding and honeymoon so you should do what suits you. I would go in schooltime and say because you’re on a budget it was out of your price range it had to be this way. You can suggest that you make up for it with a night away (all of you) or arrange something special, perhaps giving DSD the choice of what she would like to do to mark the occasion.
You’re not being selfish for wanting the honeymoon of your dreams

Macncheeseballs · 25/08/2021 12:35

It's not just her honeymoon though

aSofaNearYou · 25/08/2021 12:38

@Macncheeseballs

It's not just her honeymoon though
Why do you keep saying this? Her partner wants a child free honeymoon, it doesn't really change anything.
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 25/08/2021 13:04

You can suggest that you make up for it with a night away (all of you) or arrange something special, perhaps giving DSD the choice of what she would like to do to mark the occasion.

This is utterly mental. Why does a badly behaved brat get to decide how she gets to mark the occasion of her dad and stepmum (who she has shown zero respect for) getting married?

When we got married our 3 kids (between us) came to the wedding to mark the occasion. That's kinda what people do to mark a wedding. And then we effed off to the Caribbean on honeymoon without any of them. None of them are scarred by this because they understand that adults get to celebrate their marriage on honeymoon, by themselves.

howtodealwithit · 25/08/2021 13:06

@Laburnam

I haven’t fully read everything but it’s your wedding and honeymoon so you should do what suits you. I would go in schooltime and say because you’re on a budget it was out of your price range it had to be this way. You can suggest that you make up for it with a night away (all of you) or arrange something special, perhaps giving DSD the choice of what she would like to do to mark the occasion. You’re not being selfish for wanting the honeymoon of your dreams
I think I remember reading that OP is a teacher so going during term time isn't an option, shame really as it would help (and save some pennies!)
AryaStarkWolf · 25/08/2021 13:19

@Honeymare

It was horrible when I was ill. The older siblings ignored it / me entirely, didn't even text when my parent died. The 15 yo was around a lot but if she was inconvenienced in any way (I'm talking she once had to stand on a hospital corridor beside her sister sleeping the buggy while I picked up my stuff after hours of chemo) she would make a huge passive aggressive drama out of it. I caught her recording me once, I can't be sure but I suspected it was to show her family members what I looked like (not good; completely bald and extreme weight gain from steroids).

It has been really hard and maybe I'm not being fair based on personal feelings of resentment. Somebody asked upthread if I would leave my own teenage child behind and I honestly think that would be an easier decision as I wouldn't be doubting my own personal motivation.

That's awful OP, I know she's 15 and 15 year olds can be assholes but that's another level of cruelty
Mumdiva99 · 25/08/2021 13:31

Wow your SD is 15 not 5....she shouldn't be treating her younger sister like that at all. Sorry but no excuses. Go on your honey moon and if she asks why in years to come you can explain why she wasn't invited. She is old enough to understand the impact her actions have. Not joining in family life. Making it difficult for you. Monopolising her father.....these shouldn't be allowed to continue. I appreciate you are all doing your best. But for once put you and your husband first. (I wouldn't have left a 3 year old for more than a couple of nights so I get why you are taking her with you.)

MzHz · 25/08/2021 13:52

@ilovebrie8

The teen needs help, that is worrying and disturbing behaviour and not normal at all. I'd not have her in your home around your 3 year old....
yes but this is a stepchild (can you hear the angels singing at the mere mention of the word stepchild)

Stepchildren HAVE to be allowed to do whatever the fuck they like, whenever they like, never mind the collateral damage*

According to MN.

It's ludicrous to think that a 16yo needs to come on honeymoon with her dad and dad's new wife, especially when there ISNT a good relationship there, the little one gets treated so badly even SHE is picking up on it.

The teen may need help, but I will guarantee that her DM won't hear it, there is no way on earth this teen will ever get help.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 25/08/2021 14:25

"Why do you keep saying this? Her partner wants a child free honeymoon, it doesn't really change anything."

He wants a child free honeymoon or, if that's not possible, both of the children to go.

"None of them are scarred by this because they understand that adults get to celebrate their marriage on honeymoon, by themselves."

Well that's not the same. This dilemma is about taking one child but not the other. If none of them were invited it wouldn't be an issue.

candlelightsatdawn · 25/08/2021 14:29

@MzHz I know this is a serious topic but just as a aside this actually made me choke and spit out my tea with laughter that first part.

Second part I agree, this teen won't get help. Having said that my sister came around as a adult and had therapy all on her own. It took a lot of stuff for that to happen though. My and my sisters relationship (she's half sister to be technical but she's earnt the place as sister to me) was part of a wider underlying current she was subjected to. Which I suspect is what's happening here.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 25/08/2021 14:33

"The teen may need help, but I will guarantee that her DM won't hear it, there is no way on earth this teen will ever get help."

Has op said anything about this child's mum? I've followed the thread but may have missed it. I didn't read anything that laid the blame with her mum, where is this accusation coming from?

Original poster
Honeymare · 25/08/2021 14:52

@fourminutestosavetheworld I said briefly she is no help, quite the opposite as I have learned the hard way through firsthand experience not through listening to my DP (as I'd take anything said about exes with a pinch of salt generally).

I have found her to be unapologetically self entitled, demanding, spiteful yet bizarrely odd and disconnected. I'm not going to give examples as I don't want to offend anyone and I'm not going to justify my opinion, people are free to desregard it as the gullible stepmum if they wish.

All I know is i mistakenly assumed we wanted the same things (a happy environment for her children), worked hard to achieve it for a few years but now have opted to avoid her completely.

OP posts:
LittleMysSister · 25/08/2021 15:24

It's ludicrous to think that a 16yo needs to come on honeymoon with her dad and dad's new wife, especially when there ISNT a good relationship there, the little one gets treated so badly even SHE is picking up on it.

Agree with this.

Surely SD must be aware that there is no one who can look after her little sister if her dad and SM go away? She must know already that you don't have any childcare support.

DP should just explain to her - if it even comes up - that it's your honeymoon and not a holiday for children. DD3 has to come because no one can look after her but she'll be spending the majority of time in the kids club/creche while you and he celebrate your wedding.

That should be enough, if not he can say to her she can also come but will also be in kids club the whole time with DD.

Marni83 · 25/08/2021 17:42

* I have found her to be unapologetically self entitled, demanding, spiteful yet bizarrely odd and disconnected.*

Goodness
I have seen almost word for word descriptions on dozens of threads started by stepmothers.

Grin
callmeadoctor · 25/08/2021 18:02

[quote Honeymare]@fourminutestosavetheworld I said briefly she is no help, quite the opposite as I have learned the hard way through firsthand experience not through listening to my DP (as I'd take anything said about exes with a pinch of salt generally).

I have found her to be unapologetically self entitled, demanding, spiteful yet bizarrely odd and disconnected. I'm not going to give examples as I don't want to offend anyone and I'm not going to justify my opinion, people are free to desregard it as the gullible stepmum if they wish.

All I know is i mistakenly assumed we wanted the same things (a happy environment for her children), worked hard to achieve it for a few years but now have opted to avoid her completely.[/quote]
This is why her dad should be sorting stuff to do with his daughter and not you!

Original poster
Honeymare · 25/08/2021 19:19

@callmeadoctor thanks but I don't know what you mean. I'm not sorting anything for DSD. Her dad does all the cooking, cleaning, buying stuff for her, spending time. I spend some time with them about half the time she's here.

I don't interact with her mum at all. I did initially to facilitate drop-offs at short notice but it was a terrible idea so she's now blocked everywhere and life is much easier.

OP posts:
chocohoardersanonymous · 27/08/2021 09:56

Just to let you know OP, the Daily Fail are currently running an article on this thread.

howtodealwithit · 27/08/2021 10:16

Bloody daily fail!! Angry

candlelightsatdawn · 27/08/2021 10:33

Daily fail conveniently left out about the chemo incident or the whole cancer thing at all actually.

Always reminded how the clearly this paper do not care about the impact of posting something like this could impact someone MH.

aSofaNearYou · 27/08/2021 10:34

@candlelightsatdawn

Daily fail conveniently left out about the chemo incident or the whole cancer thing at all actually.

Always reminded how the clearly this paper do not care about the impact of posting something like this could impact someone MH.

The most annoying part is that they almost always misrepresent the thread they steal.