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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leave DSD out of honeymoon holiday

670 replies

Honeymare · 23/08/2021 11:21

My DP and I are getting married next year. Like most people we have been through some tough times with covid and throw in aggressive cancer treatment for me, and losing a parent each.

I am really looking forward now, to the wedding, the marriage, the honeymoon. I have started a new business and starting to feel nearly myself healthwise.

We have been saving for the wedding / honeymoon. I haven't been in a foreign holiday in years, we booked then cancelled at three due to illness then covid came. We are really splashing out on the honeymoon (relative to our own earnings and lifestyle obviously).

We have a 3 year old DC and a 15 year old DSD. DSD comes to us regularly (eow and one or two nights for dinner every week) but not 50%. We always include her in holiday plans but she often changes her mind last minute if she gets a better offer from her mum's side of the family who are extremely wealthy. Anything we plan to do is always met with scorn and open sneering, clearly reiterates from the mum's side of the family. This ranges from something as small as a cake we offer "I only eat really good quality cakes from specialist bakeries" to bigger things. I know she is only mimicking behaviour she's observed but it gets wearing. She has siblings but they are older, have moved out of home and rarely visit.

I get on fine with her but I do find dealing with her stressful. She is not pleased about her younger sibling and will only say hello or goodbye under duress. Otherwise she ignores her completely. We have tried multiple strategies and it's not changing. Her perogative i suppose.

Now to the dilemma.

I don't want to leave DC at home for our honeymoon, she's too young so we have planned two nights in a luxury hotel at home then taking her to a really plush resort with us for two weeks. The trip is costing us a lot. I know it would be one of the few things we do up to DSD's standards and she would probably like to come but it won't feel anything like a honeymoon to me with her there, ignoring her sibling and demanding everything is done her way. I know I will not enjoy it.

And of course there is always the risk she will decide not to come last minute if her other family come up with something more interesting (it's happened before). And its way too much money to lose.

I'm prepared to be told I'm BU to consider going without her and explaining that it's a honeymoon but her sibling is too young to be left at home.

Thoughts please..

YABU your DC is going, its a family holiday, of course invite her
YANBU it's your honeymoon, you should enjoy it

OP posts:
BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 23/08/2021 12:33

To those who are saying both should go....how would that look when dc2 is in the kids club? Dc1 just going to hang around with a pair of newlyweds?

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 23/08/2021 12:34

@WorkingItOutAsIGo

You are the bride, it’s your honeymoon, you really don’t have to take another woman’s child on it, even if they are your husband’s child too. For a family holiday yes you should invite her, but not for this.
This. It'd be a bit of a dilemma for a normal family holiday, I suppose. For your honeymoon? No way.
RealBecca · 23/08/2021 12:34

Id either

Go in term time

wait a few years for the fancy holiday when DSD has gone to uni

Take both

I wouldnt be happy about DP putting the decsision on you, especially because think how hurt you would be if he moved on and had a child with someone else and he wasn't fussed about your DD.

I think id prefer DP to decide what he wants to do- he has said 1. No kids, 2. Both kids. So basically you need to take both.

You could consider telling DSD that you cant afford to take her and pay for driving lessons and give her the choice or something.

But really what youre saying is you want to go just you three but dont want to be the bad guy.

vivainsomnia · 23/08/2021 12:34

Do most people go on 2 weeks honeymoon. All the families I know, where children are involved, even when well off have gone for 1 week only.

The issue is here not whether she should come on your honeymoon. It is that from you seem to say, she has never got the chance to spend time abroad with her dad. Her little sister gets to spend 2 magical weeks with their dad whilst the oldest only gets to hear all about it when they come back.

AS honeymoon is when you go with your OH only. The moment you include kids in the mix, it very much becomes a holiday. Why can't you compromise, go for a week only, and then arrange a holiday abroad, even if not as nice, when you can all go together?

LH1987 · 23/08/2021 12:35

If it was a regular holiday then yes you should take her, it’s your honeymoon though.

I would be surprised if a 15 year old did actually want to come on her dads honeymoon.

I think you need to just refer to this trip as a honeymoon though, don’t say trip or holiday just honeymoon. There is no way she will want to come.

SimonedeBeauvoirscat · 23/08/2021 12:36

Ok, here’s the thing. When you choose to have a kid with someone before getting married, you're going to have a different kind of celebration to what it would be if you did it the other way round. Similarly, if you choose to marry someone who’s already got a kid, you’re going to have a different kind of celebration to what it would be if he didn’t.

The dynamics are different. The considerations are different.

I’m not saying you must take her; but what I’m saying - and I don’t think anyone else has mentioned yet - is that bringing a three year old with you on your honeymoon makes it a family holiday - not a honeymoon.

You’re celebrating by having a posher holiday than you normally would …. But I wouldn’t call it a honeymoon.

RealBecca · 23/08/2021 12:36

Also, why would you not be going in term time? I dont think ive seen an answer to that?

Eclairesarethebest · 23/08/2021 12:36

YANBU, I wouldn't want a whiny brat on my honeymoon either.

SmokeyDevil · 23/08/2021 12:37

@Waxonwaxoff0

He seems primarily focused on making you happy rather than his DD? That's not good.

I do think YABU, yes. Unfortunately if you want to marry this man you have to accept DSD too and include her.

This.

You know she is his daughter and that you don't like her attitude, yet you're still marrying him. Your fault sweetie, you've got to take both or none. That's your options. Otherwise you are just showing that she has been replaced, that's all she will see it as and her attitude won't change.

SunshineCake · 23/08/2021 12:39

I feel it's time this rude madam realises her previous behaviour has had consequences. Why should she get to go on a nice holiday because it matches her rude and high expectations. And three is plenty old enough to be left with someone.

Plumtree391 · 23/08/2021 12:40

@Eclairesarethebest

YANBU, I wouldn't want a whiny brat on my honeymoon either.
I don't suppose she is whiny all the time and she will meet other teenagers on the holiday whose company she will certainly prefer to that of the 'parents'.
ithinkilikeit · 23/08/2021 12:40

I’m always confused why people marry people who already have children if they dislike them and will exclude them. Like genuinely what is the point. It is the epitome of selfishness.

It’s always the needs of the adults over the children. Don’t waste your energy replying that I am villainising step mothers because this is just wrong. You say her behaviour is completely understandable and yet you are punishing her by excluding her.

Take both or neither. You can arrange care for the 3 year old if you really wanted to. The reality is you want to take your own small family and exclude the DSD. Be honest with yourself.

Honestly I don’t blame OP much it’s the father who puts the priority of a new wife under a child.

These scenarios are so ironic to read the replies to as I guarantee in 15 years if DSD came on Mumsnet and explained what happens then everyone on here would have said you guys were evil and she should go no contact with both of you.

Jumpingintosummer · 23/08/2021 12:41

A honeymoon with a 15yr old won’t be fun for anyone.

DancesWithTortoises · 23/08/2021 12:41

You know she is his daughter and that you don't like her attitude, yet you're still marrying him. Your fault sweetie, you've got to take both or none. That's your options. Otherwise you are just showing that she has been replaced, that's all she will see it as and her attitude won't change.

See the poison drip.

Nasty, spiteful post.

"Your fault, sweetie". Vile thing to say.

ithinkilikeit · 23/08/2021 12:42

I hate how step children can be painted on her. They are children suffering from a complete transformation of their family life. It’s alright for them to be moody. Parents and adults can address this behaviour but to punishing them for their normal emotional response is so cruel. I honestly thank my mother everyday for not remarrying when I was a child.

Sirzy · 23/08/2021 12:42

So her not going is he last option but you still want to do it?

Leaving her behind will give a clear, very sad, picture to her where she stands in the family priority list

LittleGwyneth · 23/08/2021 12:42

I think you can legitimately go without her as long as you do it kindly. You need to sit down with her and explain the plan, and ask her how she feels about it.

Would it help if her dad also planned a solo trip just the two of them for the week after you got back? He could take her to London and have afternoon tea somewhere grand or to do some shopping - something which will pass muster for her current standards! I think as long as she feels like she's still going to get quality time with her father, and she feels like she's been part of the decision, it's not a monstrous thing to do at all.

burnoutbabe · 23/08/2021 12:42

reading the first post, he has more kids with his ex than the 15 yo? you mention older siblings who don't visit?

So its actually leaving all his older kids out of a holiday. which seems okay/more fair - not JUST leaving her out.

ithinkilikeit · 23/08/2021 12:42

@DancesWithTortoises what is wrong with you? What is vile about that post?

ithinkilikeit · 23/08/2021 12:43

‘Rude madam’ ‘Brat’ that is vile language for a CHILD.

FlamingVictoria · 23/08/2021 12:43

Do the right thing because the selfish thing will come back to bite you in the ass.

Especially as you know her behaviours come from a place of insecurity. Do all you can to foster security in your blended family. You'll all benefit in the long run.

ithinkilikeit · 23/08/2021 12:44

This is clearly a family holiday and not a honeymoon.

SmokeyDevil · 23/08/2021 12:44

Same @ithinkilikeit I neve get why people get together with someone, don't like their kids, but still go ahead, get pregnant, married etc. Do they expect these other kids to just disappear? Confused

It's why I would never ever date a guy who has kids. I don't want to parent someone else's children and you can't just ignore them. Either suck it up or find someone who doesn't have kids, it's pretty obvious.

JeanneDoe · 23/08/2021 12:46

I'd take her if it was a normal holiday. However, it's your honeymoon. You're only bringing the 3 y/o due to lack of childcare.
I'd leave the 15 year old behind since there are alternative options (her mother).

Not sure the 15 year old will see it that way but you only have a honeymoon once.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 23/08/2021 12:46

@Sally872

Could you even enjoy the honeymoon if it caused dsd to feel pushed out or second best? If if were me I would ruin the holiday for myself by feeling guilty.

I would be looking at other honeymoon options. Luxury hotel closer to home for a few days without either dc then a week in the sun altogether at a later point.

If a person wants to leave one child out of two out of a luxury holiday I’m not sure guilt would come into play sadly or it wouldn’t even be an option in the first place surely?