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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Leave DSD out of honeymoon holiday

670 replies

Honeymare · 23/08/2021 11:21

My DP and I are getting married next year. Like most people we have been through some tough times with covid and throw in aggressive cancer treatment for me, and losing a parent each.

I am really looking forward now, to the wedding, the marriage, the honeymoon. I have started a new business and starting to feel nearly myself healthwise.

We have been saving for the wedding / honeymoon. I haven't been in a foreign holiday in years, we booked then cancelled at three due to illness then covid came. We are really splashing out on the honeymoon (relative to our own earnings and lifestyle obviously).

We have a 3 year old DC and a 15 year old DSD. DSD comes to us regularly (eow and one or two nights for dinner every week) but not 50%. We always include her in holiday plans but she often changes her mind last minute if she gets a better offer from her mum's side of the family who are extremely wealthy. Anything we plan to do is always met with scorn and open sneering, clearly reiterates from the mum's side of the family. This ranges from something as small as a cake we offer "I only eat really good quality cakes from specialist bakeries" to bigger things. I know she is only mimicking behaviour she's observed but it gets wearing. She has siblings but they are older, have moved out of home and rarely visit.

I get on fine with her but I do find dealing with her stressful. She is not pleased about her younger sibling and will only say hello or goodbye under duress. Otherwise she ignores her completely. We have tried multiple strategies and it's not changing. Her perogative i suppose.

Now to the dilemma.

I don't want to leave DC at home for our honeymoon, she's too young so we have planned two nights in a luxury hotel at home then taking her to a really plush resort with us for two weeks. The trip is costing us a lot. I know it would be one of the few things we do up to DSD's standards and she would probably like to come but it won't feel anything like a honeymoon to me with her there, ignoring her sibling and demanding everything is done her way. I know I will not enjoy it.

And of course there is always the risk she will decide not to come last minute if her other family come up with something more interesting (it's happened before). And its way too much money to lose.

I'm prepared to be told I'm BU to consider going without her and explaining that it's a honeymoon but her sibling is too young to be left at home.

Thoughts please..

YABU your DC is going, its a family holiday, of course invite her
YANBU it's your honeymoon, you should enjoy it

OP posts:

candlelightsatdawn · 27/08/2021 11:20

@aSofaNearYou right ? It does make you question all their other content on hotter topics.

But they did do a, so awful it was funny article about mums and daughter about how mums were jealous of their youthful daughters looks because their own ovaries were shrivelling and death was looming (the mums were about 40) and that these mums were openly hideous to their own daughters on purpose. I remember there was about 4 sets of mum and daughters with full on glossy photos of both and thinking - who would willingly sign up to this article ? Did the mums know what would be posted or was it surprise at printing.

Re this post
I dislike that they have completely edited out the cancer part and just said illness. Technically correct but worlds apart from cancer.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 27/08/2021 13:40

OP, I really think you are caught between a rock and a hard place. In this situation I would aim to please yourself. Don’t you think after what you have battled over recent months you deserve to have what you want for once?
Step daughter is not going to suddenly become a loving and caring half sister to your DD and I imagine won’t even warm a tad to you if you take her.

Let your partner deal with telling her she can’t come and why. I wouldn’t be trying to placate her either.

I understand PP saying that DSD feels replaced because of your DD and I get that but it sounds like she has plenty of quality time with her dad and maybe he just needs to talk with her properly about things. I think she also needs to understand that her actions have consequences. This is all stuff her father should be discussing with her though, OP. Your DF needs to step up with his parenting I think and you need to stop worrying.

Lastly, if this was a friend going through this dilemma, what advice would you give them? That is your answer.

howtodealwithit · 27/08/2021 13:48

@candlelightsatdawn

Daily fail conveniently left out about the chemo incident or the whole cancer thing at all actually.

Always reminded how the clearly this paper do not care about the impact of posting something like this could impact someone MH.

Exactly, if your going to have the audacity of stealing someone's story, at least include the important detail

Marni83 · 27/08/2021 14:37

It is important
But seeing as neither the op nor, more importantly, her DH actually did anything about it or even mentioned it to the Girl

Is it any wonder?

Marni83 · 27/08/2021 14:38

The DM did precisely what the op and her husband did

Ignore it

candlelightsatdawn · 27/08/2021 14:53

@howtodealwithit it's almost like I think been crafted a certain way to be clickbait and inflame the masses 🙄

Plenty of threads on here get picked up by dailyfail and the sun. If your going to be using mumsnet to generate content (which I don't actually agree with but it's the internet and terms and conditions so 🤷🏼‍♀️) don't leave out really fairly critical detail on behaviour of SC re chemo treatment and the situation of the OP to sell a newspaper.

Hideous rag and hideous and lazy writing.

Original poster

Honeymare · 27/08/2021 15:27

Oh wow I've hit the big time. Nice job all the same given lots of people read Mumsnet to skive off work, that's their actual job.

Yeah they certainly edited in an interesting fashion.

OP posts:

Addicted2LoveIsland · 29/08/2021 20:10

I wouldn't bring her. Enjoy your time. X

Zombiemum1946 · 29/08/2021 20:27

You say the dilemma is whether to do what you'd like to do or do the right thing. The real question is how much would you regret doing the wrong thing ? Personally I'd give her the option of coming or not. It might be her idea of hell to go hols with a 3yr old but you'll at least have given her the opportunity and treated her as an equal member of the family If she does drop out at the last min that's on her and her maternal family.You'll have done what you've already stated as being the right thing. Pain in the arse or not, she's still a child who's very unhappy.

Jangle33 · 29/08/2021 20:45

I’d honestly not be spending that much money on a trip. Sounds like it’s a real stretch and you’ll just be causing aggro by leaving out your husband’s daughter which seems very unfair

Original poster

Honeymare · 29/08/2021 21:24

@Zombiemum1946 but what if we bring her, she ruins it and then I irrationally hold it against her? I really can't be sure that I won't even though I know it's unfair to be angry with someone for acting how they've always acted.

I'm not arguing to justify going and leaving her behind by the way. I've realised my idea was a bad one and needs to be heavily revised. But there is not a straightforward solution.

OP posts:

Bonheurdupasse · 29/08/2021 21:37

OP.

It’s your honeymoon. Go without DSD.

Separately given her vile behaviour, contact needs to be away from your and your little DD’s home.

DP can rent an Airbnb for that.

Zombiemum1946 · 29/08/2021 21:46

@honeymare You're right there is no straightforward solution. I'm just thinking that if you have expressed it as doing what you want instead of the right thing, that at some point down the line you'll come to regret it. It's your honeymoon and it seems a shame to end up with it mired in difficulty. Could you delay it till dd can be looked after by someone else ? Or shorten it to a week instead of 2 if money is tight ?

Addicted2LuvIsland · 29/08/2021 23:03

Don't bring her. Honestly - you don't really want to so don't.

Covidiom · 29/08/2021 23:29

OP you are massively overthinking this! You want a chilled honeymoon with your husband. You have no childcare for your 3yo so you are taking her and putting her in kids clubs etc. This is all you need to explain to DSD.
I’m in a similar position and have DSD(13) , dd(3) and dd(4 months). For our mini honeymoon we need to take youngest dd as she is ebf but we are leaving DSD with her mum and older dd in the care of grandparents.

greenlynx · 29/08/2021 23:33

OP, someone on the first page advised you to approach it casually: We are going on honeymoon. Full stop.
What about your toddler? Well there is no childcare available so we have to take her as well. Full stop.
Because basically it’s true. I’m sure you would love to go on honeymoon just 2 of you but it’s not possible.
No one could call you selfish or unreasonable or favouring your child. Well they could look after her while you are away to make things more fair.

I really feel for you. I just can’t imagine that saying hello and good night to someone should be such a big issue, but if it’s 3 y.o toddler who’s done nothing bad to you…,
I know 15 y.o are not keen on babies and toddlers in general but it does look like a deliberate cruelty.
Hope you have amazing honeymoon, you deserve it.

Hawkins001 · 03/09/2021 14:27

All the best op

Hawkins001 · 11/09/2021 19:15

@Honeymare

My DP and I are getting married next year. Like most people we have been through some tough times with covid and throw in aggressive cancer treatment for me, and losing a parent each.

I am really looking forward now, to the wedding, the marriage, the honeymoon. I have started a new business and starting to feel nearly myself healthwise.

Now to the dilemma.

And of course there is always the risk she will decide not to come last minute if her other family come up with something more interesting (it's happened before). And its way too much money to lose.

I'm prepared to be told I'm BU to consider going without her and explaining that it's a honeymoon but her sibling is too young to be left at home.

Thoughts please..

YABU your DC is going, its a family holiday, of course invite her
YANBU it's your honeymoon, you should enjoy it

Any updates op ?

Darbs76 · 11/09/2021 19:30

Who wants a teen on honeymoon with them? A 3yr old who will be asleep at 7pm is different. It’s 2 days and your honeymoon, I wouldn’t invite her

Tereseta · 11/09/2021 20:14

Seriously, after all you have been through go on your honeymoon with your 3yr old and relax. You deserve this break and can't leave your youngest, but certainly shouldn't feel obliged to ask dsd along. Your honeymoon is very different to a family holiday.
I was a 15 Yr old dsd and would have understood this (and I was very moody)

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