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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Leave DSD out of honeymoon holiday

670 replies

Honeymare · 23/08/2021 11:21

My DP and I are getting married next year. Like most people we have been through some tough times with covid and throw in aggressive cancer treatment for me, and losing a parent each.

I am really looking forward now, to the wedding, the marriage, the honeymoon. I have started a new business and starting to feel nearly myself healthwise.

We have been saving for the wedding / honeymoon. I haven't been in a foreign holiday in years, we booked then cancelled at three due to illness then covid came. We are really splashing out on the honeymoon (relative to our own earnings and lifestyle obviously).

We have a 3 year old DC and a 15 year old DSD. DSD comes to us regularly (eow and one or two nights for dinner every week) but not 50%. We always include her in holiday plans but she often changes her mind last minute if she gets a better offer from her mum's side of the family who are extremely wealthy. Anything we plan to do is always met with scorn and open sneering, clearly reiterates from the mum's side of the family. This ranges from something as small as a cake we offer "I only eat really good quality cakes from specialist bakeries" to bigger things. I know she is only mimicking behaviour she's observed but it gets wearing. She has siblings but they are older, have moved out of home and rarely visit.

I get on fine with her but I do find dealing with her stressful. She is not pleased about her younger sibling and will only say hello or goodbye under duress. Otherwise she ignores her completely. We have tried multiple strategies and it's not changing. Her perogative i suppose.

Now to the dilemma.

I don't want to leave DC at home for our honeymoon, she's too young so we have planned two nights in a luxury hotel at home then taking her to a really plush resort with us for two weeks. The trip is costing us a lot. I know it would be one of the few things we do up to DSD's standards and she would probably like to come but it won't feel anything like a honeymoon to me with her there, ignoring her sibling and demanding everything is done her way. I know I will not enjoy it.

And of course there is always the risk she will decide not to come last minute if her other family come up with something more interesting (it's happened before). And its way too much money to lose.

I'm prepared to be told I'm BU to consider going without her and explaining that it's a honeymoon but her sibling is too young to be left at home.

Thoughts please..

YABU your DC is going, its a family holiday, of course invite her
YANBU it's your honeymoon, you should enjoy it

OP posts:

meadowbleu · 23/08/2021 12:23

In all honesty I wouldn't want a potentially moody and complaining mid teen on any holiday, whether that was my own DC or part related, not if it could be helped.

I've skim read so am assuming you haven't yet booked? If it were my dilemma I'd find suitable childcare for 3 nights and go on a luxury mini break for the honeymoon and delay the fabulous fortnight until some time later. You gain an adult only romantic honeymoon and your DSD doesn't associate your wedding as taking precedence over anything she's been included in. You'd also have that financial cushion of savings while your fledgling business further establishes itself.

Cocolapew · 23/08/2021 12:23

It's not a family holiday, its your honeymoon, I wouldn't be inviting DSD.

thenewduchessofhastings · 23/08/2021 12:24

You only go on a honeymoon once with the person you marry.

This is one occasion where you don't have to include your DSD.

The only reason your 3 year old is coming is because there is no alternative childcare for her.This isn't the issue with DSD.

Just go on the honeymoon with your new DH and your 3 year old.Don't feel guilty.

BeefSupreme · 23/08/2021 12:24

Why didn’t you wait until she was older to get married?

Minniem2020 · 23/08/2021 12:24

I wouldn't take her, I have a 3 year old and couldn't leave him for 2 weeks, I also have teenage step children. Having a 3 year old around is very different to teenagers. When we have the older ones they generally go to bed later than I do and there are always ears listening. 3 year old goes to sleep at a reasonable time so there's still chance for adult time in the evenings. It'd be the same if we were away on holiday

AlmostSummer21 · 23/08/2021 12:25

@helpfulperson

I think it has to be either no children or both.

Rubbish.

The 3 year old can't be left
The 15 year old can be left with her mum

The 3 yo can go into childcare, the 15 year old cannot

The 3 yo doesn't have a horrible attitude....

Lorw · 23/08/2021 12:25

It’s a honeymoon not a holiday so don’t think there is an issue tbh. As you say your DD is going to be in childcare at the hotel so that you and husband have time together as you should on a honeymoon, if you bought a 15yo there would be no time for the two of you as a couple, having fun and having wild honeymoon sex (don’t know if this actually occurs in real life or if it’s just in the movies ofc 😂) can’t exactly whack her in childcare and she’s not going to want to be by herself is she so not really a honeymoon 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s okay to be selfish sometimes.

Pottedpalm · 23/08/2021 12:25

I think you should take your 3 year old and leave DSD at home. Who wants a moody 15 year old, who can’t bring herself to acknowledge her sibling, spoiling your honeymoon?

billy1966 · 23/08/2021 12:26

Stop feeling guilty, there is no reason to.

A honeymoon is not a normal holiday.

No one is entitled to go on a honeymoon, your 3 year old is only going because of childcare.

Do NOT apologise, do NOT explain.

Plain simple facts.

If you are going to ruin the holiday with guild, save your money and stay home.

Pottedpalm · 23/08/2021 12:26

@BeefSupreme

Why didn’t you wait until she was older to get married?

Why should they?

ineedsun · 23/08/2021 12:27

My view would be to either take no children or both children, especially if she’s already feeling anxious at being replaced.

Or at least give her the option

AlmostSummer21 · 23/08/2021 12:27

@BeefSupreme

Why didn’t you wait until she was older to get married?

Why should they?

The OP has had a horrible time with cancer, they have both lost a patent etc they want to be married. They don't want to wait until the the DSC is older, besides, her attitude may not significantly improve ever... how long should they wait?

kirinm · 23/08/2021 12:27

It's the Disney trip thread all over again.

Notimeforaname · 23/08/2021 12:27

I agree that this sounds more like a family holiday than a honeymoon.

And if I were 15 and already jealous/insecure about my little sister I wouldn't believe you if you said it was a relaxing honeymoon with my dad and that's why I wasn't going.

I'd think you just didn't want me which would exasperate my anxiety.

There must be somebody you trust who wouldn't mind having your young child?

Take the young child to the two night stay at home, then go off by yourselves?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 23/08/2021 12:29

He has said 'whatever you want' on all things wedding related

Don’t think it included excluding his child though

She’s a teen which brings its own issues with hormones etc and her dad has moved on and has a new girlfriend and baby. Realistically most teens wouldn’t be thrilled with a new half sibling. It’s important to ensure she’s supported through all these life changing events not excluded. It’s a holiday at the end of the day whatever you choose to call it.

Pbbananabagel · 23/08/2021 12:29

YANBU, unapologetically YANBU.

Fairyliz · 23/08/2021 12:29

What would you do if it was your child?
Let’s be honest 99% of 15 year olds are horrible at times never mind the ones who come from split families and have been replaced by a younger cuter sibling (that’s how she will see it).
I actually feel sorry for her, it seems like her behaviour is a cry for help. Be careful or you might have more than a less than perfect honeymoon to worry about.

Plumtree391 · 23/08/2021 12:30

I think you should take her, she will hardly back out at the last minute for a good resort like the one you are planning. Your three year old is too young to be left for so long or I would say, go without both but that's not on You won't see much of her anyway, she will hang around with other teenagers and have a good time.

I'm sorry you have had such a rough time health wise, plus Covid of course, but this is something to really look forward to, a new beginning and I don't think either child should be left out. As for lying and saying granny is having the little one, that is teaching a small child to lie and she is bound to let it out which will make everything ten times worse.

You already live with your partner, you have a child with him, a honeymoon has a different meaning to how it would be if you were not together.

Stompythedinosaur · 23/08/2021 12:31

I think taking the dc who gets to live with both their parents and leaving behind the dc who have to go between households sends an awful message. I don't think I could do that to a child.

Ultimately you are choosing to marry someone with dc so you can't pretend they don't exist just because you don't like their behaviour.

Sally872 · 23/08/2021 12:31

Could you even enjoy the honeymoon if it caused dsd to feel pushed out or second best? If if were me I would ruin the holiday for myself by feeling guilty.

I would be looking at other honeymoon options. Luxury hotel closer to home for a few days without either dc then a week in the sun altogether at a later point.

Droppingdown · 23/08/2021 12:31

I d sit her down and give her the choice between coming, or having the money to spend for the cost of her place, but clearly state that if she says she’s coming and changes her mind she won’t be invited again as it’s a waste of money. Not ideal paying out but at least it’s fair.

AlmostSummer21 · 23/08/2021 12:32

@ineedsun

My view would be to either take no children or both children, especially if she’s already feeling anxious at being replaced.

Or at least give her the option

Why? She may choose not to go at the last minute (as she has done previously) costing them a lot of money, or she may go if she decides it's 'good enough' for her, then ignore the little one and spend the time sneering. That'll be fun for everyone.

It's a honeymoon, it's not a family holiday.

She's 15, not 5, treating your little sister badly and sneering/scorn has consequences! Her older siblings aren't going either.

trilbydoll · 23/08/2021 12:32

She's old enough to learn actions have consequences - and it's her previous behaviour that has led to this. Mainly the dropping you in favour of a better offer, so of course you won't risk an expensive booking.

I don't think it's an issue to say it's your honeymoon and the 3yo will be in childcare at the resort, so she's not missing out on a proper family holiday. And definitely book during term time so it's cheaper.

ilovebrie8 · 23/08/2021 12:33

Go and enjoy your honeymoon with just your hubby and your 3 year old, leaving a 3 year old is a totally different situation than taking a moody teenager along...you only live once!!

Branleuse · 23/08/2021 12:33

id leave both kids behind.

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