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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leave DSD out of honeymoon holiday

670 replies

Honeymare · 23/08/2021 11:21

My DP and I are getting married next year. Like most people we have been through some tough times with covid and throw in aggressive cancer treatment for me, and losing a parent each.

I am really looking forward now, to the wedding, the marriage, the honeymoon. I have started a new business and starting to feel nearly myself healthwise.

We have been saving for the wedding / honeymoon. I haven't been in a foreign holiday in years, we booked then cancelled at three due to illness then covid came. We are really splashing out on the honeymoon (relative to our own earnings and lifestyle obviously).

We have a 3 year old DC and a 15 year old DSD. DSD comes to us regularly (eow and one or two nights for dinner every week) but not 50%. We always include her in holiday plans but she often changes her mind last minute if she gets a better offer from her mum's side of the family who are extremely wealthy. Anything we plan to do is always met with scorn and open sneering, clearly reiterates from the mum's side of the family. This ranges from something as small as a cake we offer "I only eat really good quality cakes from specialist bakeries" to bigger things. I know she is only mimicking behaviour she's observed but it gets wearing. She has siblings but they are older, have moved out of home and rarely visit.

I get on fine with her but I do find dealing with her stressful. She is not pleased about her younger sibling and will only say hello or goodbye under duress. Otherwise she ignores her completely. We have tried multiple strategies and it's not changing. Her perogative i suppose.

Now to the dilemma.

I don't want to leave DC at home for our honeymoon, she's too young so we have planned two nights in a luxury hotel at home then taking her to a really plush resort with us for two weeks. The trip is costing us a lot. I know it would be one of the few things we do up to DSD's standards and she would probably like to come but it won't feel anything like a honeymoon to me with her there, ignoring her sibling and demanding everything is done her way. I know I will not enjoy it.

And of course there is always the risk she will decide not to come last minute if her other family come up with something more interesting (it's happened before). And its way too much money to lose.

I'm prepared to be told I'm BU to consider going without her and explaining that it's a honeymoon but her sibling is too young to be left at home.

Thoughts please..

YABU your DC is going, its a family holiday, of course invite her
YANBU it's your honeymoon, you should enjoy it

OP posts:
starskey80 · 23/08/2021 12:08

It's your honeymoon. No one would want a moody teen on their honeymoon.

Be selfish!! Take the toddler, throw her in the kiddies clubs and enjoy yourself.

Ignore the pp saying both kids or no kids. Huge difference between an easily entertained toddler and a demanding teen. And they know there is!!!

Littlepaws18 · 23/08/2021 12:09

It's a honeymoon not a family holiday. I wouldn't take her. I'd definitely take your other daughter she's only 3 and over two weeks apart at that age is too much. Invite her on other things, maybe go to the plush hotel in the uk with her for a long weekend. There is some great tree house hotels I. Dorset way, posh and really different! I would do that to make her feel included.

MrsMaizel · 23/08/2021 12:09

Leave the 15 year old at home . It's not a family holiday - let Dad explain it to her and refer to the next family holiday .

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 23/08/2021 12:09

So your DPs preference is

  1. no DC at all (and I would agree if in same boat and properly explore all possible childcare options)
  2. both DC- which is the fairest on paper if one child comes then both should

but it sounds like you will be using resort provided childcare for large chunks of the trip. Can you give more info on that? If you are using Resort provided childcare for dc2, because she cannot be left with anyone in the UK, then I'd just make it clear to dc1 that dc2 is coming under duress and will be in childcare for the majority of the trip.

In all honesty though, id see what can be arranged in the UK. It will be a lot less daunting for dc2 to be with someone here she knows better than Resort staff

Clymene · 23/08/2021 12:10

@Waxonwaxoff0

He seems primarily focused on making you happy rather than his DD? That's not good.

I do think YABU, yes. Unfortunately if you want to marry this man you have to accept DSD too and include her.

It's her honeymoon. Of course her happiness should be the priority. I think that's pretty much the only time adults should be prioritised over their children incidentally.

I think going during term time is the solution. Much cheaper too.

jessycake · 23/08/2021 12:10

Its a honeymoon , not a holiday , a three years old needs are different to a teenagers .

ShingleBeach · 23/08/2021 12:11

I wouldn't leave a 3 year old for a 2 week honeymoon, even if I did have childcare!

Discuss it in terms of 'it's not ideal but we have no option to take 3 year old with us on honeymoon, just have to make the best of it'.

And don't make a big deal of the fantastic nature of the hol. Just say 'yeah, booked a couple of weeks in . If it's nice, let's all go on a family holiday there the year after'.

Eralos · 23/08/2021 12:12

I think it would do big damage to all of your relationship with dsd. This could be the holiday that bonds your dd and her. I think leave all kids at hone you can’t just leave one out. She’s the kid your the adult, act like it.

diddl · 23/08/2021 12:14

If term time doesn't work & the 3yr old will be in childcare, what would the 15yr old be doing?

ShingleBeach · 23/08/2021 12:14

Also - you have muddied the waters talking in terms of the difficult behaviour (reaction to Dad living with a new baby etc - not wholly unexpected or unusual behaviour from kids in split families) of your DSD.

It isn't about her behaviour, it is about you and DH having a honeymoon. It is OK to have a honeymoon without kids, whether they behave like angels or demons.

You can get babysitting service for the 3 year old, she will sleep while you relax, etc. And you have no choice.

billy1966 · 23/08/2021 12:16

I think as it's a honeymoon, you choose.
If you haven't childcare you don't have a choice to take your 3 year old.

I simply wouldn't spend money on a holiday that would be stressful.

So move the date to school time if necessary.

Sounds like you deserve a relaxing honeymoon.
Flowers

Bbub · 23/08/2021 12:17

There will be other holidays where DSD can be included. It's OK for you to be prioritied this time it's your honeymoon

Original poster
Honeymare · 23/08/2021 12:17

It's good to see the variety of replies because they reflect my own conflict.

DP's preferences are no, children, both children, one child only but he is not overly concerned. He proposed when I was very ill, really struggling and promised me there would be better times ahead. He has said 'whatever you want' on all things wedding related.

OP posts:
helpfulperson · 23/08/2021 12:18

I think it has to be either no children or both.

Vimtogenie · 23/08/2021 12:18

This ones tough.

I get why you wouldn’t want her to come. But if you’re taking your own child & you know some of her behaviour stems from feelings of insecurity I think YWBU not to invite her.

It sucks, but I also think it’d suck for her knowing she’s been left out. Sorry.

I’d be tempted to do something smaller following the wedding & then do your bigger “honeymoon” in 2-3 years or so.

AlmostSummer21 · 23/08/2021 12:18

@Honeymare

This is your Honeymoon & expensive treat after a very, very, crappy few years. You deserve something to look forward to & to enjoy.

The comments/attitude are coming from her mother's side, but she's plenty old enough to know that behaviour is rude & hurtful.

Just plan your Honeymoon. If anything is said, then say 'we don't have anyone to leave Little DD with so she has to come, but we will be making the most of the childcare options so we can enjoy our honeymoon.

If she carries on, just tell her honeymoons aren't something other teenagers/adults get invited to!

You & her DF need to address her behaviour - she can't keep treating Little DD the way she does. Or letting you down at the last minute because things are good enough for her.

Yes, I get that HER Dad has you now, not her Mum & he also has another DD, I get that has to hurt be hard, but it's been a long time now & it doesn't mean you have to tolerate her treating a small child the way she does!

Enjoy planning your wedding & honeymoon!

PS. If you were my friend, I'd happily have DD for you for a fortnight.

DancesWithTortoises · 23/08/2021 12:19

DSD sounds a total pain. She would find a way to ruin the holiday. Don't invite her.

Bananarama21 · 23/08/2021 12:20

You only get one honeymoon we left dd who was 1 with family for a week and ds went to stay with his dad when he 5. Completely fine, dd had previously slept out and we facetimed her loads. I'd say 3 year old could manage although 2 weeks might be abit long. Could you go for a week or 10 days?

Sittingonabench · 23/08/2021 12:20

It’s your honeymoon - you don’t need to take her. You wouldn’t be taking the three year old unless you had to - but you do have to so have made accommodations for that. Yes she may feel displaced and that is something you will need to address but it is not just because you went on honeymoon - it’s a deeper issue that requires longer term work. If you took her, she would still feel resentful and displaced. If it was a matter of taking her and all those insecurities going away that would be different, but they aren’t going anywhere and you are entitled to a honeymoon without guilt and drama.

maddening · 23/08/2021 12:21

Even if she was your own dc it would not be awful to leave a 15 yo at home but take the 3yo imo

Original poster
Honeymare · 23/08/2021 12:21

@ShingleBeach

I wouldn't leave a 3 year old for a 2 week honeymoon, even if I did have childcare!

Discuss it in terms of 'it's not ideal but we have no option to take 3 year old with us on honeymoon, just have to make the best of it'.

And don't make a big deal of the fantastic nature of the hol. Just say 'yeah, booked a couple of weeks in . If it's nice, let's all go on a family holiday there the year after'.

This is how we planned to approach it but I keep having waves of guilt.
OP posts:
ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 23/08/2021 12:21

@Bollindger

To be honest , I would tell her a white lie. Say Granny is having your DD. Then just pretend it went wrong at the last moment, this way DSD can't kick up a fuss. But really I would see if you could have a real child free honeymoon. Do not post pictures of DD while she is with you if she does go.
umm, that's not a white lie, thats a big fat bare-faced black lie!
Akire · 23/08/2021 12:22

The 3y shouldn’t have go on every holiday with sibling who doesn’t speak to them. SC goes on other holidays with her mum so why can’t your child? Most people go away on one holiday a year having multiple holidays with both sets of parents is luxury plus it’s your wedding you don’t need stress.

BlueBellsArePretty · 23/08/2021 12:22

Thing is it doesn't matter that you call it a honeymoon, if the three of you jet off she's going to see it as a family holiday that she's being excluded from. I don't think that will be conducive to a good relationship though it doesn't sound like you like her very much anyway.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 23/08/2021 12:22

Either both go or none. Leaving one child out is awful and I’d not be happy with a partner who was willing to do so to ensure their happiness over the child.