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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leave DSD out of honeymoon holiday

670 replies

Honeymare · 23/08/2021 11:21

My DP and I are getting married next year. Like most people we have been through some tough times with covid and throw in aggressive cancer treatment for me, and losing a parent each.

I am really looking forward now, to the wedding, the marriage, the honeymoon. I have started a new business and starting to feel nearly myself healthwise.

We have been saving for the wedding / honeymoon. I haven't been in a foreign holiday in years, we booked then cancelled at three due to illness then covid came. We are really splashing out on the honeymoon (relative to our own earnings and lifestyle obviously).

We have a 3 year old DC and a 15 year old DSD. DSD comes to us regularly (eow and one or two nights for dinner every week) but not 50%. We always include her in holiday plans but she often changes her mind last minute if she gets a better offer from her mum's side of the family who are extremely wealthy. Anything we plan to do is always met with scorn and open sneering, clearly reiterates from the mum's side of the family. This ranges from something as small as a cake we offer "I only eat really good quality cakes from specialist bakeries" to bigger things. I know she is only mimicking behaviour she's observed but it gets wearing. She has siblings but they are older, have moved out of home and rarely visit.

I get on fine with her but I do find dealing with her stressful. She is not pleased about her younger sibling and will only say hello or goodbye under duress. Otherwise she ignores her completely. We have tried multiple strategies and it's not changing. Her perogative i suppose.

Now to the dilemma.

I don't want to leave DC at home for our honeymoon, she's too young so we have planned two nights in a luxury hotel at home then taking her to a really plush resort with us for two weeks. The trip is costing us a lot. I know it would be one of the few things we do up to DSD's standards and she would probably like to come but it won't feel anything like a honeymoon to me with her there, ignoring her sibling and demanding everything is done her way. I know I will not enjoy it.

And of course there is always the risk she will decide not to come last minute if her other family come up with something more interesting (it's happened before). And its way too much money to lose.

I'm prepared to be told I'm BU to consider going without her and explaining that it's a honeymoon but her sibling is too young to be left at home.

Thoughts please..

YABU your DC is going, its a family holiday, of course invite her
YANBU it's your honeymoon, you should enjoy it

OP posts:
FelicityPike · 23/08/2021 11:50

3 isn’t too young to stay with Granny or Auntie.
I wouldn’t take either child on honeymoon.

Needapoodle · 23/08/2021 11:50

I would give her the option to come but tell her if she's in, she's in. She can't change her mind later. You can't take one and not the other.

ChoppyStu · 23/08/2021 11:50

Can you not tell her the truth?

There is no where 3 year old can stay for that long but you've specifically booked a hotel which has good childcare options so that you'll still be spending a lot of the time alone with DH?

PolypGrunterPulpit · 23/08/2021 11:51

Take the 3yo if you have no childcare options but I don't think it's the right sort of trip for a teen, especially a hostile one. It makes no difference that it's going to be more like the posh holidays she prefers - it's not for her, it's for you and DH, and your little one is only going too because there's no one else to care for her. Let her get her posh resort fix with her mum's family, and if she wants to come on your next regular holiday so be it. I def wouldn't be letting her call the shots over your honeymoon!

Original poster
Honeymare · 23/08/2021 11:52

@Marni83

* He would like to bring both the children if it was up to him but seems primarily focused on making me happy. *

That would be a red flag to me.

Yes you're right but i wasn't clear here - he's primarily concerned with making me happy regarding this honeymoon / wedding not life in general.
OP posts:
Waxonwaxoff0 · 23/08/2021 11:52

He seems primarily focused on making you happy rather than his DD? That's not good.

I do think YABU, yes. Unfortunately if you want to marry this man you have to accept DSD too and include her.

Icecreamsoda99 · 23/08/2021 11:53

I know it would send a strong message that she's as important as our DC to include her in the plans. But I know I won't have a good time.

Could you save the money and have the blow out adult honeymoon when they are both older and you can leave your DC? Go somewhere cheaper and include them all this time.

pinkcircustop · 23/08/2021 11:53

YABU. If you take one, you should take the other too. It’s wholly unfair not to.

Original poster
Honeymare · 23/08/2021 11:54

@Waxonwaxoff0

He seems primarily focused on making you happy rather than his DD? That's not good.

I do think YABU, yes. Unfortunately if you want to marry this man you have to accept DSD too and include her.

I explained this above, I only meant regarding wedding / honeymoon stuff. He is letting me take the lead on the planning
OP posts:
jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 23/08/2021 11:55

If you are taking a 3 year old then it's a holiday and not a honeymoon.
Take both children or no children.

callmeadoctor · 23/08/2021 11:56

I dont understand why your partner is leaving the decision to you? Its his child that he is leaving behind, why is he happy to do this?

itsgettingwierd · 23/08/2021 11:56

Book during school term, problem solved then.

That's actually a really good idea!

I bet why you don't want to pay to take someone away who may decide last minute not to come. And I bet the feeling it's bit co incidence the offers always coincide with the dates you've already booked.

Lweji · 23/08/2021 11:56

I'd have an honest conversation with DSD. (I mean, her dad should have)
I would like her to come with us, but she would need to be very honest about wanting to go or not, and stick to it, whatever happens.
And if she cancelled at the last minute, it would be the last time she would be invited for any holiday abroad.
She's old enough for this.

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 23/08/2021 11:57

You are the bride, it’s your honeymoon, you really don’t have to take another woman’s child on it, even if they are your husband’s child too. For a family holiday yes you should invite her, but not for this.

Cyberworrier · 23/08/2021 11:59

Could you do two smaller holidays- eg a week somewhere luxurious with a crèche during term time as a honeymoon- and then plan a family holiday for school holidays somewhere suitable for you all? If both are announced simultaneously then hopefully the message that you do consider SD as family will be clear.
I also actually wonder if a 15 yo who isn’t completely happy with new family set up would want to go on their parent plus new spouse honeymoon? I can imagine they may find it embarrassing and uncomfortable by that age?

Peacrock · 23/08/2021 12:00

Her comments seem fairly typical for a 15 year old really, won't be long before your little darling is the same.

It's not really a honeymoon is it if your child is going, therefore a holiday you know she will really enjoy and not inviting her seems a bit savage- if he wants her there and is just saying no to keep you happy then perhaps that's something you should talk about properly, cards on the table.

tanstaafl · 23/08/2021 12:00

It’s a holiday.
What is there for a 15year old to do, with her Dad or with you all?

Dotell · 23/08/2021 12:01

You dont have to take anyone to your HONEYMOON you don't want to

MzHz · 23/08/2021 12:01

Honestly book for term time and leave it at that.

TheFrogsAreDying · 23/08/2021 12:03

It’s your honeymoon. This is one of those times when what YOU want is definitely more important than DSS. It’s a little odd to take a 15 year old on a honeymoon too, I get it with a three year old but not an older teen.

Confused102 · 23/08/2021 12:03

I wouldn't dream of leaving a 3yo behind for that long, regardless of childcare options. Given your health issues, I would take the selfish route. It's your honeymoon not a holiday, you really can't leave your 3yo for 2 weeks.

vivainsomnia · 23/08/2021 12:04

The issue is the time. One week honeymoon so that you then had a week to go on a nice holiday all together would be absolutely fine, but this is saying that you are not just going on a honeymoon but a holiday of a lifetime and she is not included.

She might not care though. What does your OH thinks?

Naunet · 23/08/2021 12:06

It’s your honeymoon, there shouldn’t be any kids! Personally I don’t think children should always be put first, I think that turns them into entitled, demanding adults, and I think this is one of those times where it’s ok to put yourselves first.

hocusspocuss · 23/08/2021 12:07

Well yes OP, a it is selfish to not want her there. But is it wrong to be selfish, that's the question I suppose.

Peanutsandchilli · 23/08/2021 12:08

I'd take both children, because it's the right thing to do. Don't push your stepdaughter out before you've started married life. Poor kid.

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