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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Leave DSD out of honeymoon holiday

670 replies

Honeymare · 23/08/2021 11:21

My DP and I are getting married next year. Like most people we have been through some tough times with covid and throw in aggressive cancer treatment for me, and losing a parent each.

I am really looking forward now, to the wedding, the marriage, the honeymoon. I have started a new business and starting to feel nearly myself healthwise.

We have been saving for the wedding / honeymoon. I haven't been in a foreign holiday in years, we booked then cancelled at three due to illness then covid came. We are really splashing out on the honeymoon (relative to our own earnings and lifestyle obviously).

We have a 3 year old DC and a 15 year old DSD. DSD comes to us regularly (eow and one or two nights for dinner every week) but not 50%. We always include her in holiday plans but she often changes her mind last minute if she gets a better offer from her mum's side of the family who are extremely wealthy. Anything we plan to do is always met with scorn and open sneering, clearly reiterates from the mum's side of the family. This ranges from something as small as a cake we offer "I only eat really good quality cakes from specialist bakeries" to bigger things. I know she is only mimicking behaviour she's observed but it gets wearing. She has siblings but they are older, have moved out of home and rarely visit.

I get on fine with her but I do find dealing with her stressful. She is not pleased about her younger sibling and will only say hello or goodbye under duress. Otherwise she ignores her completely. We have tried multiple strategies and it's not changing. Her perogative i suppose.

Now to the dilemma.

I don't want to leave DC at home for our honeymoon, she's too young so we have planned two nights in a luxury hotel at home then taking her to a really plush resort with us for two weeks. The trip is costing us a lot. I know it would be one of the few things we do up to DSD's standards and she would probably like to come but it won't feel anything like a honeymoon to me with her there, ignoring her sibling and demanding everything is done her way. I know I will not enjoy it.

And of course there is always the risk she will decide not to come last minute if her other family come up with something more interesting (it's happened before). And its way too much money to lose.

I'm prepared to be told I'm BU to consider going without her and explaining that it's a honeymoon but her sibling is too young to be left at home.

Thoughts please..

YABU your DC is going, its a family holiday, of course invite her
YANBU it's your honeymoon, you should enjoy it

OP posts:
2bazookas · 23/08/2021 12:46

Dear god, who would WANT to take a teenager along on their honeymoon.

Of course you don't invite her.

If she asks why, say " Because your dad and I are intending to fuck nonstop".

ithinkilikeit · 23/08/2021 12:46

@SmokeyDevil exactly. Honestly I acknowledge it is very hard to treat someone else’s child the same way you would treat your own. Which is why I would never marry someone with children. It’s not fair for the child and they should not suffer due to relationship choices of adults.

FlamingoQueen · 23/08/2021 12:47

I would not take dsd with you. It can always be worded as ‘you don’t seem to enjoy the little one so it would seem unfair to take you if you are going to be miserable’. Also, you can say it’s costing a lot of money and we can’t be certain that you would actually come.
You’ve said there are clubs for your dc, so it is a honeymoon and after everything you’ve been through you flippin deserve it! Go and have a fabulous time!

Woolwichgirl · 23/08/2021 12:47

Jesus..Its your honey moon.Dont bring either kids..Can a family member not have your 3 year old while you go and enjoy in peace?

lunar1 · 23/08/2021 12:47

You take both or neither. It's not a honeymoon with a 3 year old!

SmokeyDevil · 23/08/2021 12:47

@DancesWithTortoises

You know she is his daughter and that you don't like her attitude, yet you're still marrying him. Your fault sweetie, you've got to take both or none. That's your options. Otherwise you are just showing that she has been replaced, that's all she will see it as and her attitude won't change.

See the poison drip.

Nasty, spiteful post.

"Your fault, sweetie". Vile thing to say.

How? It's not like the 15 year old just appeared out of thin air. Op knew about her, knew what she was like for ages, knew she was struggling with her father moving on. She's known for at least 3 years, more likely 4/5. If she's not happy now about having to share holidays, as this isn't a honeymoon if a 3 year old is coming, that's her fault. She should have thought about this at some point in the last 4/5 years.
ithinkilikeit · 23/08/2021 12:48

And also can we get rid of the annoying claim on MN that everyone on here hates stepparents. I cannot think of one thread where majority side against the stepparent in any situation. The voting on here is a clear example.

DancesWithTortoises · 23/08/2021 12:50

[quote ithinkilikeit]@DancesWithTortoises what is wrong with you? What is vile about that post?[/quote]
In my circles, "Your fault, sweetie." is the sort of thing a total bitch would say.

What is wrong with you that you think it's ok? The post dripped poison, sorry you are unable to see it.

MrsMiddleMother · 23/08/2021 12:51

Yanbu! You are allowed holidays without your stepchild, especially when she has holidays etc with her mum and mum's family. Do not feel guilty.

Myla2 · 23/08/2021 12:52

It's your honeymoon, not a holiday op.

ithinkilikeit · 23/08/2021 12:53

@DancesWithTortoises I don’t think you have any foot to stand on talking about vile posts when you have called someone a ‘total bitch.’Hmm

BrilliantBetty · 23/08/2021 12:53

It's just going to make your relationship worse and make her feel not part of the family (even more than she already does).
Why are you doing this particular holiday when it will cause problems that will probably be held against you / her father for a long time.
Taking one child and not the other just isn't fair whichever way you look at it and whatever the 'reasons'.
If it's a family holiday go somewhere more suitable. Or if its a honeymoon, go for a short break only that can work around whatever childcare you do have.

YABU.

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 23/08/2021 12:53

Well, the hyperbole doesn't help. I happen to think you're right, on balance, but that post wasn't 'dripping with poison', ffs 🙄

Sirzy · 23/08/2021 12:53

@MrsMiddleMother

Yanbu! You are allowed holidays without your stepchild, especially when she has holidays etc with her mum and mum's family. Do not feel guilty.
But it’s not just a holiday. It’s a super duper luxury one unlike what they normally do. That they know she would enjoy and that her sibling is going on.
Longdistance · 23/08/2021 12:53

I wouldn’t take an indecisive 15 year old. I can see what you mean about not wanting to leave the 3yo, but what would have been better was to book a week away for honeymoon and take neither dc so you can have time alone together Wink

godmum56 · 23/08/2021 12:54

I dunno......I think she is old enough for her Dad to have a gentle but honest conversation with her about her behaviour and the future. That you are not her mum but that you are going to be marrying her Dad....that he would really like her to be a part of BOTH families but its her choice and he can't make her. YANBU to say she can't come but it might really heklp in the long run if you could see your way to letting her but urgh.....really hard place you are in

MrsMiddleMother · 23/08/2021 12:55

So? The dsd is lucky enough to have luxury holidays with her mother and mother's family that her 3 year old half sister and stepmum don't.

rookiemere · 23/08/2021 12:56

Oh wow so people think the 15 year old shouldn't be invited because she behaves like a 15 year old. I'd love to exclude DS15 from family holidays for the same reason but we don't get that option Grin.

Your DP should be the one sticking up for his own DD, sad that he isn't. A honeymoon is traditionally the first holiday that a married couple take together as a couple so with a 3 yr old in tow it's somewhat disingenuous to call it that.

If you must go without her do it in term time so at least there's a valid excuse.

mumto2teenagers · 23/08/2021 12:56

I think you either take them both or leave your 3 year old at home, anything else is unfair.

In your position I would go on a long weekend away with DH, luxurious and relaxing. Then book a family holiday with both children, something nice but less expensive. This is assuming there is a family member who could look after the 3 year old for you.

Marove · 23/08/2021 12:57

Taking a 15 year old anywhere is sheer misery they all moan and sneer like this regardless of the family dynamic, they can be very snooty know it alls at that age and it is really frustrating and also makes lovely exciting things such meh. But you can't leave her out because of this. Maybe you need an open and honest conversation about this with her and tell her how it makes you feel prior to going.

I often remind my grumpy teen that people have come out to have a nice time and not a miserable one. Especially when it comes to sniping at the younger sibling.

alwayslemons · 23/08/2021 12:57

It's not a family holiday - it's a honeymoon.

At 15, she is old enough to understand the concept of a honeymoon, and the special, once in a lifetime, romantic expectations that newlyweds have for them.

If at all possible, I would leave your youngest with a grandparent or other family member, but if there really aren't any childcare possibilities and this isn't an option then I still don't think you should abandon all hope of enjoying your honeymoon (especially when you've paid so much for it) by inviting your DSD. If she gets grumpy about it, tell her not to be so selfish. She's not a baby and this holiday is emphatically not about her.

ithinkilikeit · 23/08/2021 12:58

I promise you that when your own DD is 15 she will not be an angel… would you exclude her from family holidays a. a result?

DancesWithTortoises · 23/08/2021 12:58

[quote ithinkilikeit]@DancesWithTortoises I don’t think you have any foot to stand on talking about vile posts when you have called someone a ‘total bitch.’Hmm[/quote]
Except I didn't did I? But don't let the truth get in your way.

LobotomisedIceSkatingFan · 23/08/2021 12:58

I don't see why the fact that the holiday is more luxurious should be a tick in the box of why the fifteen year old should be allowed to go: a deluxe holiday hasn't made her historic behaviour any less unpalatable. She's not living in deprivation, ffs, and this represents her one shot at a nice time. She's had plenty of fab holidays and it doesn't seem to have improved her outlook any. Why should she be allowed to shit on this one?

fourminutestosavetheworld · 23/08/2021 12:59

I think, if she was your own sulky teenager, you'd be taking her. You wouldn't take your 3yo but not your moody teen, because you'd love them both the same and unconditionally. I guess that is how your dp feels about it? He wants neither, or both, and I tend to agree.

This is an opportunity to show her she's loved and important, that she's as valued as your toddler. It may help her to bond with you and her step-sibling. Could they share a room adjoining yours, so that you have some time alone overnight?

Or you cement the idea that she's not as important as your shared child, not wanted, not liked.

Spell out the expectations and give her the opportunity.

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