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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I’m weird about my son?

364 replies

3ormorecharactersss · 22/08/2021 15:38

He’s 9 months and my first. I hate being apart from him. I don’t want anyone else to look after him for any length of time. An hour or so yes, okay. My DH a little longer, but I don’t want to be separated from him for that long. Is that weird? I didn’t want children to be honest and the love I feel for him has rather knocked me off my perch. I didn’t realise it would be like this.

Is this normal? Everyone keeps telling me I need a proper break and to hand him over to a family member for a whole day (I’m EBF still so he’d need a bottle too) but I just don’t want to, the idea fills me with panic. And to be honest, I feel like if I did I’d just be wondering if he’s okay, missing me and upset (he’s very clingy at the moment) and I’d have sore boobs so what would be the point? If this has happened to you, when does it get easier? I don’t want to be one of those people who has nothing when their children grow up. I used to have a really good career and lots of hobbies, but my whole world is suddenly this tiny being and I’m totally lost in it all. I’m just so shocked at the strength of my feelings for this small human.

This was very rambled, sorry.

OP posts:
lanthanum · 22/08/2021 15:43

It's absolutely fine not to want to be away from him for more than an hour or two at this age. Enjoy the time with him, and don't let others bully you into doing things differently if you're happy with how you are. I stopped doing my hobby for a lot longer than most, because mine used to feed a lot in the evenings, but it was what was right for us.

Anonymous48 · 22/08/2021 15:44

To be honest this does sound a little much. I think it would do both you and your son good to start having more time apart. It wouldn't take away from your bond. If anything, it would strengthen it. A whole day might be too much at first, but what about a couple of hours? And then half a day?

I went back to work full time when my eldest was 8 weeks old. With the commute that meant I was apart from her 10.5 hours a day, 5 days a week. Yes, it was hard, but it didn't do either of us any harm.

Hoppinggreen · 22/08/2021 15:45

No, I was more than happy to hand mine over to anyone vaguely responsible who offered

Bluntness100 · 22/08/2021 15:45

Well he’s only nine months so hopefully you calm down. I think you recognize there is an issue, and you need to make sure as he gets bigger that you let him develop independence and spend time with others so he can cope with school

Why’s he being exclusively breast fed though at nine months? Why haven’t you started weaning, is he unwell?

Mushtullo · 22/08/2021 15:46

Yes, why is he EBF at 9 months?

Elsielouise13 · 22/08/2021 15:47

I first left mine for a KIT day afternoon when he was 8 months. Hated it and resigned shortly after, not returning to ft work for three years.

Don’t let anyone tell you what is right for you!

ChrissyPlummer · 22/08/2021 15:47

It sounds like, and forgive me if I’m wrong, that it is a bit unhealthy. You say you’re OK with your DH having him “a little bit longer”. Is he not an equal parent too?

BrownEyedSquirrel · 22/08/2021 15:48

I was the same. We co slept, I breast fed and he was never out of my sight.
That's how I wanted it and we were both happy. Now at 21 months I might go out for an hour or so (I work from home). Do whatever you feel comfortable with as long as its not affecting your mental health negatively.

SmidgenofaPigeon · 22/08/2021 15:49

Well I’d be giving your DH more of a chance to bond with him alone, why aren’t you doing that? He gets a ‘little longer’ than an hour alone with him sometimes? Bet he feels like a spare part.

Yes, at 9 months I’m afraid it is a bit weird and I’d wonder if you needed to talk through it with someone.

I’ll have to leave mine to go back to work then as many other women have to do.

ChaBishkoot · 22/08/2021 15:50

It’s fine to want to spend time with him. It’s not ok to view your DH as a secondary parent who gets time alone with him only when you deem it appropriate. That’s not fair on your DH (and your DS in the long run).

OswaldOwl · 22/08/2021 15:50

It’s slightly unusual, that’s not to say it’s ‘weird’, I guess the test would be to try and leave him with a trusted family member for a few hours and see how you feel. Why not go out for lunch with a friend and leave him with your partner?

If you can leave him without being overly anxious and upset, and you actually enjoy the lunch and conversation, then great.

If you are upset or worries and overly distracted the whole time then maybe there is some anxiety that you need to be addressing?

ChaBishkoot · 22/08/2021 15:51

I also co slept. Breastfed. Went back to work at 7 months. DH was an entirely hands on parent. The two are not mutually exclusive.

Bluntness100 · 22/08/2021 15:51

I’d also be concerned you might have a touch of pnd. It can make you obsessive and panicky like you describe.

The still end is a concern though. I’m guessing there is a back story?

Bluntness100 · 22/08/2021 15:51

Sorry ebf not end, Damn autocorrect!

Whinge · 22/08/2021 15:52

@ChrissyPlummer

It sounds like, and forgive me if I’m wrong, that it is a bit unhealthy. You say you’re OK with your DH having him “a little bit longer”. Is he not an equal parent too?
Yes that stood out to me. It would be nice for DH to be able to develop more of a bond, and it seems odd that you give him permission to spend any significant amount of time with his child.
catlady3 · 22/08/2021 15:52

I think the important question to ask is how you feel about it. Do you feel you need a break, but leaving him makes you anxious? Then maybe that's something to look at. But if you don't have a problem, you don't have a problem!!! My impression is that many people are very keen to force very small babies to be "independent", when they're just not developmentally capable of that. They will grow to be independent, and more so if they are securely attached. All that said, there also wouldn't be anything wrong with leaving him with someone you trust for a time. It's completely your decision, whatever is best for you and your family. Everyone else needs to do one, IMHO.

AliasGrape · 22/08/2021 15:53

I was the same, she’s 1 now and I’m still a bit that way but not quite as much - I have a few things coming up where I will be leaving her for a few hours and one for most of the day and I’m actually quite looking forward to them - a little anxious but not totally filled with dread at least!

I think it’s totally fine. Sometimes there’s a bit of a narrative that you should be itching to get out without them from the first few weeks or months and if you’re not you’re being a ‘mum martyr’ or not meeting your own needs or losing your identity or forgetting ‘you’re a person too’. There’s also a weird idea that you will make them clingy or stop them being independent which is bullshit too. It’s great if you’re ready to leave them, if you want or need to have more time apart then nobody should feel guilty, but I also think it’s fine if you don’t too.

When my baby was about 5 months my husband took her to his parents for a few hours to ‘give me a break’. I cried and hated it, I felt forced and rushed and it wasn’t what I wanted, but I felt like I should. After that I thought fuck that, she stays with me. And that’s what we’ve mostly done until I’ve started to feel more comfortable with leaving her. Go at your own pace, it’s fine.

saraclara · 22/08/2021 15:53

Yep. Sorry, but in a few years time you're going to be complaining that your DH isn't involved enough and won't take his share of child care.

If nothing else, you need to let your DH be a confident and involved parent. He must feel really sidelined at the moment.

supersonicginandtonic · 22/08/2021 15:54

Are you going back to work?

SuperSleepyBaby · 22/08/2021 15:56

I have 4 children and was the same with all of them when they were small. There is nothing wrong with it if that is how you feel. There is also nothing wrong with people who are happy to leave their child with a trusted carer once the child is happy too.

My eldest is 11 now and is very independent and happy to go off and spend time away from home.

AliasGrape · 22/08/2021 15:56

Jesus, I’m pretty sure she’s weaning Hmm

EBF just means that he’s not bottle fed/ doesn’t have formula, I did bottle feed so I’ve never used it like that but have seen it to mean that in lots of contexts.

saraclara · 22/08/2021 15:56

...and he was never out of my sight.

Seriously, @BrownEyedSquirrel? Never out of your sight? Until 21 months? Why?

joystir59 · 22/08/2021 15:56

As long as you understand that ultimately your role is to prepare him for his own independent life.

Bluntness100 · 22/08/2021 15:59

@AliasGrape

Jesus, I’m pretty sure she’s weaning Hmm

EBF just means that he’s not bottle fed/ doesn’t have formula, I did bottle feed so I’ve never used it like that but have seen it to mean that in lots of contexts.

Um. No it doesn’t, ebf means what it says, exclusively breastfed.

From the WHO

Exclusive breastfeeding means that the infant receives only breast milk. No other liquids or solids are given – not even water – with the exception of oral rehydration solution, or drops/syrups of vitamins, minerals or medicines

BrownEyedSquirrel · 22/08/2021 15:59

@saraclara because that's how I choose to parent my child.
To be fair, he's a lockdown baby and I don't have family around, so it was fairly inevitable. He also has life threatening food allergies so nursery is a no go for me. Regardless, I don't see an issue if it's what works for me (or OP).

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