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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I’m weird about my son?

364 replies

3ormorecharactersss · 22/08/2021 15:38

He’s 9 months and my first. I hate being apart from him. I don’t want anyone else to look after him for any length of time. An hour or so yes, okay. My DH a little longer, but I don’t want to be separated from him for that long. Is that weird? I didn’t want children to be honest and the love I feel for him has rather knocked me off my perch. I didn’t realise it would be like this.

Is this normal? Everyone keeps telling me I need a proper break and to hand him over to a family member for a whole day (I’m EBF still so he’d need a bottle too) but I just don’t want to, the idea fills me with panic. And to be honest, I feel like if I did I’d just be wondering if he’s okay, missing me and upset (he’s very clingy at the moment) and I’d have sore boobs so what would be the point? If this has happened to you, when does it get easier? I don’t want to be one of those people who has nothing when their children grow up. I used to have a really good career and lots of hobbies, but my whole world is suddenly this tiny being and I’m totally lost in it all. I’m just so shocked at the strength of my feelings for this small human.

This was very rambled, sorry.

OP posts:
annacondom · 22/08/2021 17:36

YANBU. It's normal. But your DH needs to feel included.

GameSetMatch · 22/08/2021 17:46

I think it’s common, I’m the same as you I’ve never left my two children, they’ve never had a sleep over or been away from me apart from school, they are very well adjusted and because they know I’m a permanent ‘thing’ they have very secure attachment so they don’t cry.

Everybody is different you are normal and wanting to be with your children is normal.

LH1987 · 22/08/2021 17:47

I haven’t actually left my 15 month old with a family member for more than 3 hours. However, myMIL has come to ours and cared for her for a whole day while I relaxed alone in the same house.

Do whatever is comfortable for you.

daisypond · 22/08/2021 17:47

It seems odd to me. But I had my DC 20 years ago when parental leave was just six months, so in general everyone went back to work then, at least part time. It seems that your desire to stay with him springs from anxiety, and that needs to be tackled before you cause damage to yourself and him. Your aim is to raise an independent being.

Mintjulia · 22/08/2021 17:51

I didn't leave my DS for a day until he was two and I went back to work. Why should I if I don't want to? And not overnight until he was 3.5, even then it was only with DP.

He didn't stay overnight without a parent until he was 9 and went away with the school.

firstimemamma · 22/08/2021 17:56

It's fine op. We didn't do anything without ds until he was 16 months. 9 months is so little. There's no right or wrong so just do what suits you best, there's no rush. My ds is nearly 3 now and we have a perfectly healthy relationship. He sails into nursery and sometimes forgets to say goodbye to me!! I look back on our time together when he was a baby and don't regret a second, it's priceless.

user64325 · 22/08/2021 17:59

I was the same with all of mine, and that intensity probably went once they stopped breastfeeding all around age 2, though they were still rarely babysat even then. It is biologically normal to feel the way you do. Baby only needs and wants you. It won't make them clingy. None of my children have ever been clingy, the very opposite infact! All very confident children with no separation anxiety with friends/family/school and I do wonder if that is because so didn't push them before they (or I) were ready.

Thedogscollar · 22/08/2021 17:59

@Bluntness100

Well he’s only nine months so hopefully you calm down. I think you recognize there is an issue, and you need to make sure as he gets bigger that you let him develop independence and spend time with others so he can cope with school

Why’s he being exclusively breast fed though at nine months? Why haven’t you started weaning, is he unwell?

You clearly have no clue what you are talking about.
OhDear2200 · 22/08/2021 18:01

NRTT

But I think you do what you feel happy doing. Also you’ve got to remember your feelings will change, over time you’ll feel happier to leave him for longer periods of time. THERE IS NO RUSH. This is not a competition, if you are still feeling anxious about leaving him when he’s older get some help. But for now enjoy your time together.

Also it is a total myth that independence is developed through separation, actually it’s the opposite. The more secure a child is that their primary care giver is reliant and consistent the more able they are to explore the world. They can explore as they know they are safe.

OhDear2200 · 22/08/2021 18:03

Oh and also with mine I did not feel completely comfortable leaving them till they were a lot older. Never told anyone as I was supposed to be ‘enjoying me time’. But I just couldn’t relax.

Even now, I like them to be with family and then with a really trusted babysitter.

Yearsyonder · 22/08/2021 18:06

I had this with my first. I was tired, touched out at times and felt weighed down by the lack of freedom BUT I couldn't hand her over to anyone for more than a little cuddle. It was to my own detriment too as I desperately needed a break - or a nap.

Haven't had it with my second. Very happy to hand her over and take a break.

I think I was hyper-anxious with my first. I also couldn't cope with her crying, her distress became mine. Another poster up there somewhere discusses how this is something to potentially think about/work on - how to manage your own feelings around their distress. I still do struggle with handling their distress, it makes distressed and I have to fight the urge to preempt any form of upset before it occurs. Even now. Makes me feel on duty ALl the time. Which is exhausting.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 22/08/2021 18:06

I think it's normal to some extent but, unless there is a back story around your husband not pulling his weight or you've had some past trauma, then if I'm being honest I don't think its particularly healthy for you not to want to leave your husband in charge for more than an hour or so. At 9 months they are eating a bit more and should be able to go a few hours without breastmilk. When they are really little I understand the panic of not being able to go anywhere in case they need a feed. But 9 months isnt too little to have some sort of loose feeding schedule. I'd work on letting your husband do a little bit more, a bit at a time. It will help their bond and thats a good thing for your baby in the long run

sylbunny · 22/08/2021 18:12

It's completely normal to feel this way to some extent but I'd say it does sound like your suffering from PND or PNA. I was like this with my first but when I did spend a night away from her and saw how she was totally fine I could do it again.

I think what you need to remember is that things like nursery and time away from my as well as being occasionally upset are things that children really benefit from developmentally. Nursery isn't necessarily the only way to help foster independence but time with other family members or friends is really important to help them grow as people as they get older.

riromay · 22/08/2021 18:21

There's absolutely nothing wrong with that. Totally normal especially if breastfeeding, yes, they eat food too but nursing also gives them comfort, as you probably do it on demand .
For me I found that when I stopped breastfeeding at 1 I could easily let go Smile

tegannotsovegan · 22/08/2021 18:30

When my son was about 4 weeks old, I was pressured into leaving him overnight with my now ex-MIL. It was hell. I left him overnight monthly after that because I felt so pressured to do so.

If I were to have another child, no one would be having them overnight before the age of 1 unless in an absolute emergency. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with what you’re doing, OP. Flowers

noblegreenk · 22/08/2021 18:36

This does sound quite extreme. I was similar to you but I would let my dd stay with her grandparents overnight, even though I didnt like it much, just because I knew it was healthy for both of us to have some time apart. Now she's a nearly 3yo, who has frequent tantrums and I'm more than happy for people I trust to have her for a few hours or even a weekend! Give it time and you'll probably find your feelings change.

Jemand · 22/08/2021 18:37

Can you afford not to go back to work?

Are you planning to send him to nursery at some point? If so, when?

Are you thinking of having any more children - if so, how are you going to manage their separate needs?

Jemand · 22/08/2021 18:39

I suspect your child is clingy because he has so little experience of you not being there. You do need to start leaving him with his dad for gradually increasing lengths of time, and it wouldn't hurt to start him getting used to other people.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 22/08/2021 18:40

Yep I was the same. Normal.

Peakypolly · 22/08/2021 18:41

I was not happy about leaving any of my 3 overnight until they were 5. God knows why but it was what it was, and worked for me. I got told I was selfish for not allowing my PIL a night with their Grandchildren.
However that feeling did not extend when DH was in charge. I knew he was absolutely as capable as I was and as invested in our DC. I was happy to leave them in his care and once I had stopped BF (at 1 year) how on earth could he not have been as good a parent as me?
Enjoy being the centre of your PFB world. It won't, and shouldn't, last but don't exclude the only other person who knows how you feel.

Original poster
3ormorecharactersss · 22/08/2021 18:46

Wow, a real mix of responses on here.

Just to say that as I said, he and DH have a great relationship, and they do spend time together for more than an hour without me. I just panic about it. I don’t know why. My son loves his dad and will go to him when he’s upset, sometimes he just wants daddy. But I get panicky. It’s like a guilt, I worry that my son will decide he wants me and that he’s upset and that my DH is having a nightmare. I don’t know why. But I promise I am not preventing a relationship at all. He also sees lots of other people and has lots of cuddles and plays with people. I just don’t want to be in a position where I’m not there for more than a few hours. It feels natural to me, but everyone keeps telling me it’s not.

I am reassured that some people on here have felt the same way and their children have turned out well. Thing is, I’m not worried about him. He’s a happy child and isn’t shy. I’m more worried about me and why I feel this way. But maybe it is natural, maybe some mothers feel this way and there is a spectrum of feeling? Or maybe it is an issue, I just don’t know.

OP posts:
Original poster
3ormorecharactersss · 22/08/2021 18:47

Also the clingyness has only just started and I’ve heard it’s an 8-month thing. He isn’t crying for me when he’s with DH, as I say they’re mad on each other.

OP posts:
EspressoDoubleShot · 22/08/2021 18:52

Essentially it’s about balance and your well-being.if you haven’t left baby because you don’t want it but you’re overall unperturbed on balance that’s ok and not of note
However, if you haven’t left baby because you’re scared or you catastrophe the what ifs that’s problematic. If your life is curtailed or you cannot independently tasks because you have separation anxiety that is potentially problematic.

Hankunamatata · 22/08/2021 18:52

I'd say the anxiety over leaving him isn't healthy imo. I would be worried that it could tip your mental health. If he is happy with your dh then why would questioning why you are so anxious

Whinge · 22/08/2021 18:52

But I get panicky. It’s like a guilt, I worry that my son will decide he wants me and that he’s upset and that my DH is having a nightmare

Have you spoken to anyone about how you feel? DH, HV, GP etc? As another poster said upthread, there will be times you son is upset, it's impossible to prevent this. But feeling panicky and worrying he will feel abandonded could be signs you're struggling, and it's worth talking to someone about how you're feeling.