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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I’m weird about my son?

364 replies

3ormorecharactersss · 22/08/2021 15:38

He’s 9 months and my first. I hate being apart from him. I don’t want anyone else to look after him for any length of time. An hour or so yes, okay. My DH a little longer, but I don’t want to be separated from him for that long. Is that weird? I didn’t want children to be honest and the love I feel for him has rather knocked me off my perch. I didn’t realise it would be like this.

Is this normal? Everyone keeps telling me I need a proper break and to hand him over to a family member for a whole day (I’m EBF still so he’d need a bottle too) but I just don’t want to, the idea fills me with panic. And to be honest, I feel like if I did I’d just be wondering if he’s okay, missing me and upset (he’s very clingy at the moment) and I’d have sore boobs so what would be the point? If this has happened to you, when does it get easier? I don’t want to be one of those people who has nothing when their children grow up. I used to have a really good career and lots of hobbies, but my whole world is suddenly this tiny being and I’m totally lost in it all. I’m just so shocked at the strength of my feelings for this small human.

This was very rambled, sorry.

OP posts:

Row1n · 22/08/2021 18:55

So long as you are both happy then I think its fine. He's prime age for separation anxiety and it often is easier to stay with them than worry about them being upset while away from you. So long as, when he grows and needs more independence you make room for things for you. Do make time for your relationship though cos that can be the kiss of death if you suddenly put all focus elsewhere

Tal45 · 22/08/2021 19:00

Make the most of it! I did. Mine didn't stay with anyone but me for the first 2 or 3 years, even for a few hours. We co slept, I BF for 2 years and he was very clingy, needy and a poor sleeper. Of course people said it was because of me, turned out he was actually autistic. Now he's a teenager and makes his own breakfast and lunch, gets himself completely ready and doesn't want me 'interfering' in anything - and I'm only allowed a hug on my birthday. Oh how I miss those cuddly, snuggly days!

User1357 · 22/08/2021 19:02

I was exactly the same. Nothing wrong with it at all. By 14 months I could leave him for longer and now (16 months) he goes to a childminder . I always look forward to seeing him.

edgeware · 22/08/2021 19:03

I feel the same, and it’s my second.

Imnewhere1991 · 22/08/2021 19:04

You don't want to work but don't want to end up with nothing once your baby has grown up?

yellowmelon · 22/08/2021 19:08

It's not unhealthy, it's absolutely natural. This is how I was with my little boy. I had to leave him with a childminder one day a week from 7 months and while it was hard initially, it also allowed me to gradually recover a bit of the 'old' me. Don't feel guilty for your good attachment - it's likely to naturally decrease in intensity as he gets more independent. I adore my boy and - like you - had been a bit reticent beforehand. Motherhood bowled me over too and I've never once regretted how much time I spent with ds as a baby.

Chippingbird23 · 22/08/2021 19:11

@ChrissyPlummer

It sounds like, and forgive me if I’m wrong, that it is a bit unhealthy. You say you’re OK with your DH having him “a little bit longer”. Is he not an equal parent too?

I can understand at baby age noting wanting to be away for too long but this comment is telling and sounds very possessive to me and nothing to do with love for your baby not in the true sense. Are you controlling?

Arsebucket · 22/08/2021 19:12

Oh man, just do what makes you happy.

I’ve had three children over 19 years, bug age gaps (youngest just turned one). Only ever been without them for the occasional night at the pub with my friends, and only then when they were over 2, had to leave my baby a lot this week as i’ve been in and out of hospital, I hated being away from her, even though dh is brilliant as just as equal a parent.

we co slept with all of them, I’ve mainly been a sahm but when I have worked it’s been night shifts when they have been asleep.

The things I’ve heard over the years about them ending up clingy and odd. Not happened with the elder two, they are very happy and confident.

It makes me and them happy (and my husband seems pretty content with his lot too), so there’s no issue. Hasn’t stopped 19 years of digs from other people though.

Verbena87 · 22/08/2021 19:14

You’re allowed to love your kid and want to be near them. It just gradually shifts as they gain independence. You’re fine, enjoy him.

EspressoDoubleShot · 22/08/2021 19:18

Op, maintain your work contacts and consider nursery when it’s free
I know it’s not on yiur mind now but you need to maintain some autonomy a way of support yourself and not being financially dependent upon your dh. Don’t leave it too long, as you said you had a career, maintain your options. Being mum can be undertaken in conjunction with working or studying.

ShiningGonnaShine · 22/08/2021 19:22

I was the same. Really hated being away from my kids when they were really little, and didn't like the pressure from others to leave them (I felt I had to make excuses). On reflection, I think I actually kind of felt like i was some sort of lucky talisman and my presence around them kept them safe, which meant I was super anxious if I wasn't near them. So, yeah, this probably wasn't that healthy!

Now... I'm totally fine with other people having them (they are 8 and 4). In fact, I relish it 😁.

DroopyClematis · 22/08/2021 19:24

What does your husband feel about this?
Have you spoken to him about your fears?

Have you solely decided that you won't go back to work because of your feelings?

Spudina · 22/08/2021 19:25

Your DH needs a chance to bond with your child. He is a parent too. Also, what if you were to become for example unwell, and you need your DH to settle them to sleep. Could he do it?? You sound like a lovely Mum. But in life it’s easier to be a parenting team.

Original poster

3ormorecharactersss · 22/08/2021 19:30

@Chippingbird23 please read my updates, I am controlling at all. Even if I wanted to be then I definitely couldn’t control my DH! We have a good relationship and he and DS have a good relationship. This isn’t about him at all, it’s about me.

OP posts:

Original poster

3ormorecharactersss · 22/08/2021 19:31

@DroopyClematis no I haven’t told him about my fears. He does know somethings up as he has tried to talk to me about it but I wasn’t sure if it was normal so haven’t confessed anything to anyone until this thread!

OP posts:

EspressoDoubleShot · 22/08/2021 19:32

Do you decline activities because you're anxious about leaving baby? Are you able to do the things you want or do you catastrophise the what ifs about leaving the baby?

Tiggerdig · 22/08/2021 19:37

We are all different. This feels alien to me but it doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Interestingly I bonded with mine straight away. I did get the overwhelming love and was very happy. Despite this I was also very happy to leave them with DH or my parents and went back to work when they were young. We still have a great bond now. In other words just do what works for you but being with your baby all the time is certainly not essential to a close bond as they get older.

EspressoDoubleShot · 22/08/2021 19:41

no I haven’t told him about my fears.He does know somethings up as he has tried to talk to me about it
That’s quite telling, your dh knows something is up.
You can talk to HV or GP, they’ll support you. Don’t bottle things up, you don’t need to feel anxious or curtail your activities

Original poster

3ormorecharactersss · 22/08/2021 19:45

@EspressoDoubleShot

Do you decline activities because you're anxious about leaving baby? Are you able to do the things you want or do you catastrophise the what ifs about leaving the baby?

Hmmm, no. I used to be really nervous about going out with him and stuff but now. And I’ve been out without him. I have declined lots of evening invitations though. I cosleep with him and he feeds to sleep, so I have said no to every evening event that I’ve been asked to go to.

OP posts:

Tractordiggerdump · 22/08/2021 19:47

I was like this with my first. Not so much my second. What I really resented was friends telling me what to do. Ignore them and do what’s right for you. You know your child and you shouldn’t force separation on them/you if you are not ready and just going to be a wreck away from them. A time will come when you are more comfortable to leave them longer. I EBF too until they were 2 yo

pigglepot · 22/08/2021 19:48

I don't think it's weird at all. I was quite similar with DD although I went back to work at 9 months and she was looked after in the house by family so I wasn't physically with her the entire day at that point (I was wfh full time though). Don't listen to what anyone else says is weird or isn't weird. Don't worry about it being forever either. Just feel comfortable in your parenting decisions at this particular point in both of your lives.

Auntienumber8 · 22/08/2021 19:48

I remember going out for dinner with friends when DS was three weeks old, I left some expressed Breast milk and strict instructions with DH.

I found having a small baby pretty tiresome if I’m honest. DS became far more interesting when he could communicate. DH always had time with DS. He did school drop off for first 4 years as I was out the door at 7 am. I guess were all different but have a life as well as a life with your child they leave home one day.

Tubs11 · 22/08/2021 19:49

When he's a tantruming toddler you'll only be too glad to hand him over

LaurenS26 · 22/08/2021 19:53

I could have wrote this myself. It broke my heart returning to work after maternity leave, I didn't want to be away from him and hadn't left him for more than an hour or so before returning to work.

My son is now 16months and I'm still not ready for him to go for an overnight with Grandparents. It's not that I don't trust them, I just don't want to be away from him if I don't have to be.

DroopyClematis · 22/08/2021 19:54

Can you talk to your health visitor?

I was anxious at leaving my firstborn but my anxiety was more about me, not my baby.

Please don't fall into a trap where you feel that your child will suffer if you're not there.
It's unhealthy, has repercussions and in years to come, you'll kick yourself.

Your husband has equal rights to your baby, please don't feel that your baby needs you all the time.

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