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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I’m weird about my son?

364 replies

3ormorecharactersss · 22/08/2021 15:38

He’s 9 months and my first. I hate being apart from him. I don’t want anyone else to look after him for any length of time. An hour or so yes, okay. My DH a little longer, but I don’t want to be separated from him for that long. Is that weird? I didn’t want children to be honest and the love I feel for him has rather knocked me off my perch. I didn’t realise it would be like this.

Is this normal? Everyone keeps telling me I need a proper break and to hand him over to a family member for a whole day (I’m EBF still so he’d need a bottle too) but I just don’t want to, the idea fills me with panic. And to be honest, I feel like if I did I’d just be wondering if he’s okay, missing me and upset (he’s very clingy at the moment) and I’d have sore boobs so what would be the point? If this has happened to you, when does it get easier? I don’t want to be one of those people who has nothing when their children grow up. I used to have a really good career and lots of hobbies, but my whole world is suddenly this tiny being and I’m totally lost in it all. I’m just so shocked at the strength of my feelings for this small human.

This was very rambled, sorry.

OP posts:
AliasGrape · 22/08/2021 16:00

Oh and my husband doesn’t feel sidelined, has a great bond with our daughter and spends plenty of time with her, so I’m not sure where all the concern on your DH’s behalf is coming from either?! My husband does every bath time, brings her downstairs at the weekend to give me a lie in and they have a good few hours together, I just happen to be in the house. If I do need to go somewhere he looks after her and there’s no issues, but I don’t feel the need to manufacture outings just to give him the opportunity to parent solo. If he’s not working I’d rather we spend time together as a family.

Original poster
3ormorecharactersss · 22/08/2021 16:00

Do you feel you need a break, but leaving him makes you anxious?

Yes this is it. I worry that he will want to feed or want me and will be really upset if I’m not there. The idea of him being upset really stresses me out and I hate the idea that he might feel upset without me to comfort him.

Just to answer some questions - he and DH are super close. But I still panic and worry about it. When I said EBF I just meant he’s not had any other milk, formula etc, he is weaning, but it’s up and down with solids due to teeth!

OP posts:
Anonymous48 · 22/08/2021 16:02

I assumed when she said exclusively breastfeeding that she meant the baby didn't have formula or take a bottle, not that he wasn't eating any solid food yet. I know that might not be the official definition.

WorraLiberty · 22/08/2021 16:03

@joystir59

As long as you understand that ultimately your role is to prepare him for his own independent life.
Yes, this ^^

One million times over.

OswaldOwl · 22/08/2021 16:03

Can you start letting DH take more of a comforting /calming role in the home? Gradually help baby to see him as comfort giver as well as you?

Justwantanewname · 22/08/2021 16:04

Your baby is still really little and it’s not as if they’ve never been away from you at all. I definitely needed a break longer than an hour or two from my babies at that age but it certainly doesn’t mean that your feelings are wrong on any way. Maybe you don’t have people around (other than DH) that you particularly trust. Take it all at your own and your baby’s pace and don’t let yourself be rushed. If your DH is working and you are on mat leave of course your and your baby’s bond is going to be stronger right now. Your baby and DH have plenty of time to build a great bond, as long as he’s getting at least some one on one time now

bananafish · 22/08/2021 16:06

I think it's fine - I was a bit like this, too. The intensity does fade and you calm down once they're not quite so dependent on you. Is he crawling and stuff?

My eldest DS was exclusively bf at 9 months, just wasn't interested in food. My GP said to keep offering him foods but there wasn't any hurry or anything to worry about until he was 1, and he'd get it eventually. He started getting perking up around food when he was about 11 months, or a bit before, and took to it like a duck to water. That helps too, when you're not the sole food source!

AliasGrape · 22/08/2021 16:06

@Bluntness100

Well is that’s what the WHO says 🤷‍♀️

I’m in a few Facebook groups for parents/ weaning and I’ve seen them use EBF to mean they’re weaning but the only milk their child has is breast milk. I don’t think it’s that hard to guess that’s how the OP meant it, unless something very strange is going on I doubt she wouldn’t have started weaning at 9 months and I think it’s odd that’s what anyone would assume.

Justwantanewname · 22/08/2021 16:06

Ah, just seen your update that you do feel you need a break. The only way to build your trust in DH’s ability to manage is to slowly slowly build up the one on one time they have together. Your baby will be fine. I wonder if there’s been someone else in your life that you’ve been anxious about that you’re now projecting onto? (Maybe not, maybe I’m the one projecting!)

Original poster
3ormorecharactersss · 22/08/2021 16:08

@supersonicginandtonic

Are you going back to work?
No. I don’t want to. I don’t want to put him in nursery and I don’t think I’d could function - I’m too knackered!
OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 22/08/2021 16:09

@Anonymous48

I assumed when she said exclusively breastfeeding that she meant the baby didn't have formula or take a bottle, not that he wasn't eating any solid food yet. I know that might not be the official definition.
Generally then you say he is still breastfeeding.
AliasGrape · 22/08/2021 16:09

As long as you understand that ultimately your role is to prepare him for his own independent life

And at 9 months the best way to do that is let him be as dependent as he needs to be. We don’t teach babies to be independent by forcing them to be without their primary caregiver. Babies who have really secure attachments will go on to be independent.

Doesn’t mean you have to be there every waking minute either, but it doesn’t mean you HAVE to leave them for days at a time or else they will never be independent. He’s 9 months, not 19.

Original poster
3ormorecharactersss · 22/08/2021 16:09

Not that I think nursery is bad! I’m not judging, again I just have visions of him crying and feeling abandoned.

OP posts:
Starjammer · 22/08/2021 16:10

I don't think it's really an issue. As babies turn into toddlers, they become more adventurous and venture further from you, go to nursery and have their own little nursery lives. At nine months I don't think there's really an issue in not wanting to be away from them for any length of time. DD is 2.5 and I am going away for two nights to visit a friend and her new baby for the first time next month. I've just never really felt the need to before. DD has always been an easy baby and toddler and a great sleeper, so I've always been pretty well rested.

The only thing I'd say is not to worry about your husband being able to comfort/soothe. It's important he has time to learn how to do this without being hovered over or you swooping in. DH has always taken DD from the first night home. I was awake for four days straight and when we finally got home from hospital, I said to DH he had to take her for a chunk overnight on his own as I was almost passing out. He's since had her plenty on her own and learned really early different ways to soothe her that didn't require boobs! So I think it's good for them to be left to it and figure out their own dynamic and I don't really have any worries about leaving them together at all.

WitchBaby · 22/08/2021 16:12

@joystir59

As long as you understand that ultimately your role is to prepare him for his own independent life.

He's 9 months, I think she's got a bit of time yet Grin

It's perfectly fine OP. Enjoy him Smile

Whinge · 22/08/2021 16:12

I don’t want to put him in nursery and I don’t think I’d could function - I’m too knackered!

Not wanting to use a nursery is fine, but if you're knackered then accepting some help from others might help you feel better in the long run.

girlmom21 · 22/08/2021 16:14

You don't need to let anyone else have him for a whole day - ignore what people are telling you - but you do sound exhausted.

He won't feel abandoned if you take some time to yourself. My DD went into nursery at 9 months as I went back to work. She never forgot me. She wasn't traumatised. Baby's adapt really quickly.

Speak to your health visitor or GP as it does sound like you have some anxiety issues.

Bluntness100 · 22/08/2021 16:15

Op is there an element of guilt associated with not working so you feel you need to be with him all the time, to sort of prove your worth?

Anonymous48 · 22/08/2021 16:16

@Bluntness100 Personally I would have said still breastfeeding, not exclusively breastfeeding. But I assumed that's what she meant.

Anonymous48 · 22/08/2021 16:17

@3ormorecharactersss

Not that I think nursery is bad! I’m not judging, again I just have visions of him crying and feeling abandoned.
Given what you're saying, I do think you need to start having a little time apart from him, if only to prove to yourself that he would survive without you!
Somethingsnappy · 22/08/2021 16:19

@AliasGrape

As long as you understand that ultimately your role is to prepare him for his own independent life

And at 9 months the best way to do that is let him be as dependent as he needs to be. We don’t teach babies to be independent by forcing them to be without their primary caregiver. Babies who have really secure attachments will go on to be independent.

Doesn’t mean you have to be there every waking minute either, but it doesn’t mean you HAVE to leave them for days at a time or else they will never be independent. He’s 9 months, not 19.

Absolutely right, @AliasGrape
eeyore228 · 22/08/2021 16:19

I'd want DH to ‘have’ him a bit more than ‘a bit longer’. There will come a time when you need a break, whether it's because you aren't well or want to socialise. Your DH needs to create a bond with his child as well, otherwise, you might end up creating a rod for your own back later when DH seems.to live a normal.life leaving you to the rest.

diavlo · 22/08/2021 16:20

No, you’re not weird. I hated being away from my children when they were small. It does feel more comfortable as they get older though.

Divebar2021 · 22/08/2021 16:21

No. I don’t want to. I don’t want to put him in nursery and I don’t think I’d could function - I’m too knackered!

Perhaps time to be sharing the load with DH a bit more if it’s night waking that’s the problem. Also childcare doesn’t have to mean nursery - I used a great childminder when I went back to work p/t at 12 months. Not that you have to go back but I notice the narrative around childcare on MN largely features talk of nursery.

UmamiMammy · 22/08/2021 16:22

I do think it's odd that you are not comfortable leaving the baby with your DH. I used to love having a few hours to myself and DH used to love his time alone with dc.