To think I’m weird about my son?

[3ormorecharactersss]

He’s 9 months and my first. I hate being apart from him. I don’t want anyone else to look after him for any length of time. An hour or so yes, okay. My DH a little longer, but I don’t want to be separated from him for that long. Is that weird? I didn’t want children to be honest and the love I feel for him has rather knocked me off my perch. I didn’t realise it would be like this.

Is this normal? Everyone keeps telling me I need a proper break and to hand him over to a family member for a whole day (I’m EBF still so he’d need a bottle too) but I just don’t want to, the idea fills me with panic. And to be honest, I feel like if I did I’d just be wondering if he’s okay, missing me and upset (he’s very clingy at the moment) and I’d have sore boobs so what would be the point? If this has happened to you, when does it get easier? I don’t want to be one of those people who has nothing when their children grow up. I used to have a really good career and lots of hobbies, but my whole world is suddenly this tiny being and I’m totally lost in it all. I’m just so shocked at the strength of my feelings for this small human.

This was very rambled, sorry.

@Anonymous48

To be honest this does sound a little much. I think it would do both you and your son good to start having more time apart. It wouldn't take away from your bond. If anything, it would strengthen it. A whole day might be too much at first, but what about a couple of hours? And then half a day?

I went back to work full time when my eldest was 8 weeks old. With the commute that meant I was apart from her 10.5 hours a day, 5 days a week. Yes, it was hard, but it didn't do either of us any harm.

Too much?? He’s 9 months old. Tbh being away for an 8 week old baby 10 hours a day is a lot more bizarre.

No it's fine he is so young.
I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving without a good reason.

You're not weird. Mine went to creche at 9 months as I had to work but I kept them really close to me otherwise, just because it felt right. Covid also of course contributed. My 4 year old (oldest) is now one of the most independent kids of her age that I know, she happily heads off to her aunties overnight, loves preschool etc etc. You do what feels right for you.

I think you're making a rod for your own back! I have an 8 month old and really value my breaks from the baby. It's also important to maintain your own social life, friendships etc.

For your child's sake, you need to let him get used to, and comfortable, being away from you for more than an hour.

If you had to be elsewhere ( acutely ill in hospital) that would be very traumatic for a baby unused to other carers.

@pollylocketpickedapocket yes, I do think the strength of her feelings of desperation at the thought of being apart from her son for more than an hour at a time are a bit much, and I would be concerned about her mental health. She is filled with panic at the thought of letting a family member watch him for a day? I do think that's worrying.

@pollylocketpickedapocket and I do think "bizarre" is an odd choice of words for the fact that I was back at work at 8 weeks. I would have loved to stay home longer but I only got 6 weeks maternity leave. Not ideal, maybe, but by no means "bizarre"!

At 9 months old he doesn’t need to get used to being away from you if there is no need. What do you actually think would happen to a very small child who always has his mother near? As he gets older he’ll gradually become more independent as he goes to nursery and school.

Your baby, you make the rules. Why part with the person you love most in the world?

I've been the same with both of mine. What helped me feel less clingy was going back to work (luckily part time). I was basically forced to spend chunks of time away and although I was in bits about it to start with, I soon realised that the world didn't end when we were apart and I realised I had actually missed certain things like going to the toilet by myself and being able to concentrate on one task at a time without holding a baby or running after one! Imo what you're feeling is normal (for some of us!) and you will slowly begin to feel able to let go a bit and enjoy some of the things you don't even realise you're missing.

I think it’s totally fine. Sometimes there’s a bit of a narrative that you should be itching to get out without them from the first few weeks or months and if you’re not you’re being a ‘mum martyr’ or not meeting your own needs or losing your identity or forgetting ‘you’re a person too’. There’s also a weird idea that you will make them clingy or stop them being independent which is bullshit too. It’s great if you’re ready to leave them, if you want or need to have more time apart then nobody should feel guilty, but I also think it’s fine if you don’t too.

Completely agree with this

I never left my girls when they were babies either, people loved telling me how important it was that I should, but could never come up with a proper reason other than it was what they did.

My youngest is still tiny but my eldest is a feisty little thing who walked into preschool without a backward glance. It was absolutely right for us

I think it’s fine, it’s up to you. If /when you plan to return to work I’d probably start working towards leaving baby with other people though. From one year I’d say you need to start that process, otherwise it’ll be a huge shock to both of you. But that’s just my opinion.

Your baby, you make the rules. Why part with the person you love most in the world

Its her DHs baby to, he doesn't get much more than an hour alone with him.

It’s perfectly natural not to want to be away from your 9 month old baby. The idea that there’s something wrong with that is ridiculous. Of course you can take time apart if you have to or want to and gradually you will both adjust to that.

If it's a problem for you, it's a problem. If it's a problem for a bunch of people in your life who want you to "get your life back" (odious phrase) then it isn't. It's natural and normal to be totally caught up in your baby. It's good for your baby to have as much contact as possible with his primary care giver. You will do him no harm at all. But equally when your wishes or circumstances mean he has to manage with other care givers, rest assured he will manage. I was like you with my first, we were incredibly and exclusively bonded. But she adapted to nursery well after a week or so. She has managed well with other care givers, coped with nights away from me etc. Now I have two, and poor old number two is always just having to roll with our busy lives, I miss that all consuming, exclusive, passionate relationship. I never understood why, when i had one, parenting was described as such a chore. It was incredibly demanding but i felt like I'd discovered my vocation, or fallen in love. With two there's just no time and space for that kind of intensity and it does feel much more workaday 😔 so enjoy this while you can!

By 6mth my kids were in nursery FT and I was back at work
I do not think you need to have a baby Velcroed to you 24/7. I couldn’t function like that. When they were babies I needed some me time to be alone, not mum all the time. It maintained my sanity

You have quite a while to go but start thinking about why the thought of him being upset triggers this response. Sometimes even very small children need to be told ‘no’ or for instance might have to wait for 10 mins before being attended to. I am not suggesting any discipline for a nine month old. But I am suggesting that you think long term as well as short term.

• yes independence is fostered by making a baby feel secure. (I had a very ‘independent’ baby and a very clingy one so I have seen both ends of the spectrum)
• but before that step is accepting that babies will get upset and sometimes that’s okay. You cannot constantly make him happy, cater to every need and trying to do so is not healthy for you or him.

I have a friend who is a wonderful mum. She’s patient and kind, way more patient than I am. You know when your kid wants to play that boring game for the 100th time and you have had a long day, and just made a cup of tea and want 5 mins. I’m the parent who would say no, in 15 mins or just no, not now. She would always say yes. I really really admire that.
BUT on the other hand, she also finds it really hard when her kids are upset. So the older one is a bit spoilt and her 15 month old gets quite aggressive but she never even chastises her gently or says ‘no we don’t hit’ because then her 15 month old lets out ear splitting shrieks. And she (my friend) frankly gets more upset than her toddler does at this. To me it’s almost like her maternal instinct is always on hyper alert to the point that it overrides her other instincts which must say to her: it’s fine if she yells, but I need her not to hit babies at playgroup.

So for me the two things that you might want to think about (not today or tomorrow but in the long arc that is parenting) is letting your DH in a bit more and also what happens when you do have to upset your child and how YOU will cope with that.

I think it’s fine. I wasn’t away from mine at all their first two years and now they are confident, independent teens.

And again work on your comfort level. My kids have been in daycare from a very young age (I am in the US and was lucky to have some maternity leave). But we don’t ever holiday without them. They never ever go to holiday clubs. We also don’t really go out at night because DH and I don’t like leaving them with a babysitter. Again, some people would find that impossible but it works for us.

It’s not weird it’s natural. And a strong bond helps your child grow independently so ignore anyone who suggests otherwise. I’ve been similar with my children and two are adults now with functioning stable relationships of their own who don’t sleep in my bed still. Honest!!

Oh draineddraineddrained you put that so beautifully. My second is 4 months old and I am completely feeling this right now!

I don't think you feeling this way is that bad aslong as you take age appropriate steps to help him be independent. To be honest he's very very young still and there is a lot of time.

Will he be going to nursery/gps/childcare at all or will there be a SAHM/SAHD?

My DD is 11.5 months and it's only in the last couple of weeks that she's started staying without me for 5/6 hours at my parents house to prepare her for when they do childcare in September onward. She is also EBF and on solids obvs, and has quite serious allergies and eczema so I've always been so anxious to leave her anywhere. I used to hate anyone holding her when she was a small baby but that was definitely hormonal and a primal sort of feeling.

Yeah IMO that's way OTT.

What does this do to your relationship with other important people in your life, especially your DH? You can’t screen out the world because of a baby. Love him, of course, but making him your absolute focus is not healthy, in my view. By making him entirely reliant on you, you do no ist any favours, least of all him. Children need a variety of influences in their lives, even from a young age. Being a parent is not about doing what YOU want but what’s good for the child

You're absolutely fine op. It's called maternal love.
I went completely mad with love for both my dc, and now that they are 7 and 9 I still hate being apart from them for too long.
The longest I've left them has been a weekend away.
The dc are fine, happy and healthy and quite independent. They know their mum is always there for them. Their dad is great too. You can't love your baby too much.