Is she spoilt or am I shit mum?

[ojss21]

I've NC for this but I'm a regular poster.

My teen dd(15) has started to be quite challenging recently, and I we usually have quite a good relationship, but I've been a single mum to her for most of her life and up until 5 months ago she was an only child, so I tend to be lenient with her at times and struggle to determine whether her behaviour is spoilt or if I'm a shit mum (if that makes sense).

Here's some examples of her recent gripes / reasons for being annoyed with me :

1. I "only" gave her £100 cash for her 15th birthday plus a few cheaper things to open like chocolates. The main present was the cash and I've always done this for the past few years given her age as it's easier for her to choose her own stuff, I find. She complained for two reasons- firstly, it's not as much as I spent on her 5 month old sister's new car seat which cost £250 (clearly the baby needed that and it's not really comparable), and secondly because she wanted more things to open on the day (despite £100 cash being her main present and also a stretch for me anyway at the moment with being on maternity leave).

1. We are going away for a few nights this weekend (in the U.K.) and we were originally due to come back on Tuesday. We have extended to Wednesday as we plan to make a detour on the drive back to stay overnight with my sister who is going through a really shitty and scary time at the moment (don't want to go into details but it's health related and potentially very serious). My DD's response at this unexpected detour to her aunty's was "great, that ruins my plans to see my friends on that day as I thought we were coming back the night before. Wish I'd never agreed to come with you now". And off she stropped to her bedroom. This is an aunty who she is very close to, by the way, and is aware of her health complications currently. Dd has also had several days out and sleepovers with her friends this summer hols and I admit it slipped my mind she had planned this outing with them when I arranged to stay away from home an extra night with my sister.

So.... is my DD spoilt, or am I a bad mum for "only" giving her £100 for her birthday and for inadvertently ruining her day out with her mates? This is a genuine question, by the way. I struggle to gain perspective with her sometimes and she makes me feel guilty for my decisions. It's been harder since the baby was born as I feel I'm ploughing so much time and energy into the little one that I'm almost neglecting the eldest, so I do need some outside perspectives!

Thank you.

up until 5 months ago she was an only child

Do your children have the same father?

Regardless, I imagine she's feeling massively vulnerable right now.

No different dads. She has a very close relationship with her dad and sees him a lot.

It's a huge adjustment for her to have a baby sibling after 15 years as an only child. Cut her some slack.

Obviously you’re not a bad mum.

But your DD’s attitude to not wanting the unexpected detour I can sort of get-that’s fairly typical of 15 year old selfish behaviour at times. She’ll get over that, ignore her kicking off about it. It’s the duet of thing I’d have said at that age and I’m nice now, I promise. I wasn’t very good at being sympathetic to other peoples problems if they were adults. I had a proper ‘everyone’s out to get me and make my life hard’ thing going at that age- it’s why I became an emo 🖤

The birthday money thing- that’s really rude. I wouldn’t have kicked off about that. £100 would have felt loads to me at that age. My parents would have come down really hard on me for that, and probably taken it off me again, because that is really ungrateful.

She’s also 15.

(Before everyone piles on saying NAFYOALT, and their daughter is amazing, they’re not always, but they can be really selfish. As others have said, her nose is also out of joint because of the new baby)

According to my dc, their friends have hundreds spent on them for birthdays eg designer clothes, trainers, iPhones. I suspect it might be true but it does cause problems then when your own dc expect the same.

A new sibling at that age must be very hard to adapt to especially after so long being the two of you

If she has plans with her friends then it’s understandable she isn’t happy they have been changed without discussion

It sounds like there have been some pretty huge changes in her life recently. A new sibling, your new partner, her aunts illness. Any one of those things could cause a change in behaviour, but all 3 as well as the disruption due to Covid, it's no wonder she's showing some challenging behaviour.

Your dd is challenging you because she feels pushed out.
15 is tricky without a baby sibling.
It's not about money it's about feeling wanted and loved.
Dd had good birthday gifts and underneath she understands about her aunt.
Talk to her, acknowledge that her life has changed a lot, give her some of your time whilst bring firm that the baby's needs must be met.

@Toddlerteaplease

It's a huge adjustment for her to have a baby sibling after 15 years as an only child. Cut her some slack.

Yes this is exactly why I'm posting as I'm struggling to see if this is my fault

@Whinge

It sounds like there have been some pretty huge changes in her life recently. A new sibling, your new partner, her aunts illness. Any one of those things could cause a change in behaviour, but all 3 as well as the disruption due to Covid, it's no wonder she's showing some challenging behaviour.

Just to say my partner isn't "new", he's been in her life for a number of years, but prior to that it was always just me and her.

she does not want to acknowledge that her aunt may be seriously ill

she may feel awkward and not know what to say to her aunt

you have messed up her social plans

her life has been turned upside down by the arrival of a new baby in the family home

she is not spoilt, and you are not a shit mum

she just needs some more tlc, and to be listened to

Teenagers can be arseholes and selfish at the best of times. Ds is 13 and his df was having another baby (he has a sister who's 4) and he couldn't wrap his head around it why he would choose to have another baby and the gap is far too massive. He can only see the negative and that he worn be close. ( I've tried to be positive but I can see having older siblings myself that its different to growing up as children together) does she get on with your dp?

I don't think you're a bad mum and I don't think she's spoilt.

15 is a difficult age with all the hormones raging and having to adjust to a new family dynamic adds to it.

If it makes you feel better, all of my friends' teens refused to go on holiday with them this summer and said they'd prefer to stay at home and see their friends.

Sounds like her nose has been firmly put out of joint by the arrival of a new sibling. Which, at 15 and having always been the only one, is completely understandable. I'd cut her a bit of slack

You are not a bad Mum and she is not spoiled, although she sounds like she is behaving that way at the moment. She is probably feeling very insecure having a new sibling at an age which would always be difficult. At 15 she is naturally growing away from you, and pushing you away is normal. She just needs to be sure that you will always be there for her even when she is being hideous.

@poullou

I don't think you're a bad mum and I don't think she's spoilt.

15 is a difficult age with all the hormones raging and having to adjust to a new family dynamic adds to it.

If it makes you feel better, all of my friends' teens refused to go on holiday with them this summer and said they'd prefer to stay at home and see their friends.

We went away a couple of weeks ago just for a few nights and basically gave the option of coming with us or not, she chose not to and stayed with a friend for a few nights. This time she said she wants to come but is just miffed about the detour on way home

A bit spoilt, but yes she’s kicking off a bit about the baby. This age difference will be very hard but you do need to still make time for her.
If I listened to my DS at the ages of 13-16, he was the worst treated child ever, as his friends had £3k spent on them each at Xmas, including designer gear also given £50pw spending money, could stay up until whatever time they wanted, order takeaway for every meal etc etc. Some of it was true but I suspect most was all BS.

How many years are you with your dp? Does your dd like him?

I think it's the car seat comment that's upset me the most. Surely even at 15 you understand the difference between a safety item that is a necessity for a baby and £100 birthday cash? I wish I could have afforded to give her £250 birthday cash, I honestly do. But on mat leave pay I just can't

I was an absolute dick when I was 15, and I wasn’t an only child or spoilt and my mum was a fantastic mum, plenty of boundaries etc. It was like my hormones made me completely self absorbed and selfish for a while.

@nimbuscloud

How many years are you with your dp? Does your dd like him?

6 years and yes, they mostly get on well. There have been moments of not getting on but that's the same with me and her too. Mostly we all get on well .

I suspect number 1 relates to insecurity about the new baby and number 2 is standard 15 year old FOMO/mates are more important/it’s all about me.

That is one expensive car seat though and I probably wouldn’t have kept my gob shut on that at 15.

up until 5 months ago she was an only child
Didn't need to read much past this to know what the problem was going to be.

Wow 15 and suddenly her mum has a massive new priority that isn't her.

it's not as much as I spent on her 5 month old sister's new car seat which cost £250
Ask yourself how she knew it cost £250? She's been paying close attention hasn't she. Of course she has, the baby is her competition for you!

You are not a bad mother at all, but YABU in that you don't seem to realise in your OP how much her world has just been turned upside down and therefore she will need a lot of love and reassurance for a while.