Is she spoilt or am I shit mum?

[ojss21]

I've NC for this but I'm a regular poster.

My teen dd(15) has started to be quite challenging recently, and I we usually have quite a good relationship, but I've been a single mum to her for most of her life and up until 5 months ago she was an only child, so I tend to be lenient with her at times and struggle to determine whether her behaviour is spoilt or if I'm a shit mum (if that makes sense).

Here's some examples of her recent gripes / reasons for being annoyed with me :

1. I "only" gave her £100 cash for her 15th birthday plus a few cheaper things to open like chocolates. The main present was the cash and I've always done this for the past few years given her age as it's easier for her to choose her own stuff, I find. She complained for two reasons- firstly, it's not as much as I spent on her 5 month old sister's new car seat which cost £250 (clearly the baby needed that and it's not really comparable), and secondly because she wanted more things to open on the day (despite £100 cash being her main present and also a stretch for me anyway at the moment with being on maternity leave).

1. We are going away for a few nights this weekend (in the U.K.) and we were originally due to come back on Tuesday. We have extended to Wednesday as we plan to make a detour on the drive back to stay overnight with my sister who is going through a really shitty and scary time at the moment (don't want to go into details but it's health related and potentially very serious). My DD's response at this unexpected detour to her aunty's was "great, that ruins my plans to see my friends on that day as I thought we were coming back the night before. Wish I'd never agreed to come with you now". And off she stropped to her bedroom. This is an aunty who she is very close to, by the way, and is aware of her health complications currently. Dd has also had several days out and sleepovers with her friends this summer hols and I admit it slipped my mind she had planned this outing with them when I arranged to stay away from home an extra night with my sister.

So.... is my DD spoilt, or am I a bad mum for "only" giving her £100 for her birthday and for inadvertently ruining her day out with her mates? This is a genuine question, by the way. I struggle to gain perspective with her sometimes and she makes me feel guilty for my decisions. It's been harder since the baby was born as I feel I'm ploughing so much time and energy into the little one that I'm almost neglecting the eldest, so I do need some outside perspectives!

Thank you.

@ojss21

Apologise for double-booking you all with your sister. "I'm sorry I double booked us with your auntie, it's just that I'm worried about her, and it's stressed me out, and I forgot about your plans. I'm really sorry."

I will approach it like this today and see what she says. She's actually a caring girl underneath it all.

Really? Apologise to a child for inconveniencing their socialising because you want to see a potentially seriously ill sister to lend some support for one night?

No way on earth would I apologise! That's wrong and will give that child a very warped idea of values.

I honestly despair for our younger generation when I read such strange approaches to bringing up children as this.

I imagine it feels to your DD that you’re constantly putting other people before her - be that the baby or her aunt. It must be a really difficult time for her. It’s not her choice for a new baby to enter the family but it’s having a really significant impact on her life. That must make her feel very powerless.

Last year I was stuck in bed vomiting every 10 mins with horrific morning sickness. So that my dd didn't miss out for her birthday, DP took all her and her friends out and paid for it all; then came home and cleaned up my vomit and proceeded to look after all of us for the next 9 months while i suffered the worst pregnancy ever.

That sounds really awful, and ontop of Covid I can only imagine how scared your DD must have been to see her mum that unwell.

@TheUndoingProject

I imagine it feels to your DD that you’re constantly putting other people before her - be that the baby or her aunt. It must be a really difficult time for her. It’s not her choice for a new baby to enter the family but it’s having a really significant impact on her life. That must make her feel very powerless.

I'm honestly trying to balance everyone's needs in order of priority best I can. The only person's needs who matter not a jot right now and never get met, are my own.

I think I would have been massively pissed off about the car seat at that age under the circumstances. I think with a new baby sibling, cutting a bit of slack on that would be the best idea. Of course there's a big difference between a necessary car seay and an ordinary birthday, but the new baby's expenses must be quite a bit anyway, so I think it would have been nice to appreciate that and give her more money for her birthday. The car seat seems incredibly expensive, so she maybe sees you've spent over the odds on it for the baby, but not her for her birthday. You say you couldn't afford to give her more for her birthday, yet you bought a really pricy car seat for the baby.

Did you discuss the change of plans with her before you chnged them? If not, that's quite rude and dismissive of any plans she'd made of her own.

Car seats needs replacing every six years regardless of the size so that was pointless. Is it ERF? if not again pointless.

@Whinge

Last year I was stuck in bed vomiting every 10 mins with horrific morning sickness. So that my dd didn't miss out for her birthday, DP took all her and her friends out and paid for it all; then came home and cleaned up my vomit and proceeded to look after all of us for the next 9 months while i suffered the worst pregnancy ever.

That sounds really awful, and ontop of Covid I can only imagine how scared your DD must have been to see her mum that unwell.

The point being my "uncaring" DP held the whole family up at this time. He was everyone's rock. He's just exasperated with DD's attitude right now, as am I

Did you discuss the change of plans with her before you chnged them? If not, that's quite rude and dismissive of any plans she'd made of her own.

That's because a teens socialising is not equal in importance to visiting a potentially seriously ill sister, is it? @SixesAndEights

@Angryfrommanchester1

A bit spoilt, but yes she’s kicking off a bit about the baby. This age difference will be very hard but you do need to still make time for her. If I listened to my DS at the ages of 13-16, he was the worst treated child ever, as his friends had £3k spent on them each at Xmas, including designer gear also given £50pw spending money, could stay up until whatever time they wanted, order takeaway for every meal etc etc. Some of it was true but I suspect most was all BS.

£50pw spending money?!? Does he go to a private school. Hahah

To be honest I see her point. You spend 250 on a car seat (which is not necessary BTW you can get much cheaper ones) but she oy got 100 for her 15th birthday. I'm on mat leave at the moment and we are not well off but I gave ds 100 on top of his main present and a couple of other small bits for his 13th.
Also, she's 15. Her friends are her life right now. Not because she doesn't care but because she will hate the thought and feeling of being left out of anything. High school is a bloody bear pit and if your not staying involved people tend to forget you and leave you out.

I’m surprised that a lot of posters in here aren’t more accepting of getting a younger sibling?!

It happens! It’s life! We can’t all be only children. I got a new sibling at age 10 in the middle of my parents divorce. I found this far easier to deal with having to not be an only child anymore at age 4 when my other brother was born.

It can’t always be our way and it can’t always be the family set up we choose.

Why would a 12 year old need a car seat? misses point of thread

The point being my "uncaring" DP held the whole family up at this time. He was everyone's rock. He's just exasperated with DD's attitude right now, as am I

I understand he was holding the family together, but that's what partners do when things go wrong. It must have been scary for your daughter to see you that unwell. Watching you throw up constantly throw up and being so unwell for 9 months, as well as dealing with being stuck at home due to Covid must have made an awful situation even more scary for you all. It really does seem like you've all had a lot to deal with in the last year, and it's not surprising she has some resentment towards her new sibling if she saw how unwell you were when you were pregnant.

maybe it's not about the amount of money, it's the fact it was money

she said she wanted things to open and i can see from her point she probably didnt feel very special on her birthday with little to open and a bit of cash

@SmidgenofaPigeon

OP- I just did a quick google- and I know a bit firsthand too as we need to buy one soon- £250 is NOT one of the cheapest car seats by any stretch

Who cares, I bought my child all besafe seats because they're the highest rated.

More important than a birthday present.

Well I had no idea a child needed a car seat until 12 nor that they could even safely last that long

Of course you’re not a bad mum. 15 is a crappy age for some kids. I have a 15 year old and a 14 year old so do understand they can be incredibly selfish.

@Mrstamborineman

£250 is quite daft for a car seat... they will not be used for 12 years. I can’t think of any child in a car seat at 10 years old that they used as aged 5 months. 15 year old’s will not comprehend how a car seat can cost that much. She is feeling de-throned after 15 years. In future don’t tell her how much stuff costs. Manage her expectations to value time and experience over money.

You sound clueless

I would think carefully about how you are wording things to her. On here you've said that she is missing out on a lot in ways that she might see as because of the baby, e.g. the car seat, maternity leave, difficulty with lifts and remembering her plans because you are busy/preoccupied with the baby. Of course as an adult the car seat makes sense, for example, but to a child I can see how it looks like unfairness. I think it's really difficult for teens to have a new baby sibling. They often need extra care at that age and feel pushed out.

@incandescentglow

maybe it's not about the amount of money, it's the fact it was money

she said she wanted things to open and i can see from her point she probably didnt feel very special on her birthday with little to open and a bit of cash

Yep this is the bit you're overlooking op It's about the thought

£250 on a car seat is ridiculous! She has a point. Your circumstances sound difficult for her, I think you are a bit selfish tbh

Teens always do this with a new/other sibling

theyre getting more than meeeeeeee-when its not comparable i.e the car seat

But i know how she feels i got a new sibling aged 14 and went through this phase you just feel so pushed outand everyone cooing over the baby noones interested in you anymore

Also the trip being extended i wouldnt have been happy to cancel plans already made not really fair

Is it not £125 from you for the car seat OP and your DP pays the remaining £125?

@Hoppinggreen

She’s 15 with all that comes with that. Plus she sees that you have less money due to a new baby, of course she’s stroppy. She’s had 15 years of being an only child and no matter how well everyone gets on it’s a huge change for her

^ This! React to the emotion behind the words, rather than the words themselves.

So she is a bit jealous of her baby sister and possibly feels a bit pushed out, or that she potentially could be, having been the centre of attention for years.

I would point out that she needed a lot of equipment when she was a baby to keep her safe too, and then throw in a comment about how special she was, and is, to you as your first. And then tell her it will be £90 next year if she doesn't appreciate £100!!

The friends thing, is there any way you could visit your sister separately? If not, your DD will just have to put up with it, as family emergency trumps day out with friends.

I know what you mean about second guessing yourself as a parent op. It's very difficult to get the balance right. I am always wondering if I am being too strict or too soft. In the past, DC would have a more distant relationship with their parents and I am not one of those share-every-detail-with-my-dc type parents but nonetheless, by being closer to us, they do know more things about our decisions (not necessarily financial ones) and so perhaps question more. It is the price we pay for them being closer to us I think, and of course we don't want to raise automatons, but at the same time it can sometimes lead to them thinking they have a lot of power in the relationship, which can be good of course, but if can go too far as well. It's all about balance and sometimes this needs tweaking. Not explaining this particularly well but hopefully it makes some sort of sense! I think it shows you hq e a close relationship though Good luck!

There are some really good articles about what’s going on in a teenager’s brain during their teenage years. It’s one of the biggest developmental milestones for them as the brain is changing and maturing.
I can’t find the article I found a few years ago but it really helped me to look back on my very difficult and awkward teenage years and understand why I struggled so much feelings being all over the place.. happy/depressed/angry/defensive…

Knowing there’s a reason why they can’t control their behaviours all the time helps!!

This doesn’t mean they aren’t disciplined when they behaviour is unacceptable but it does mean you can look forward to a time when they will naturally revert to a more balanced and easier person to be around.

It sounds like she has a busy life and you involve her in everything.. I often think that it’s a particularly hard age for young women when they’re trying to manage that journey from ‘kid’ to ‘adult’- they feel like they’re not kids anymore but still get treated like kids (ie her plans being messed up by the detour). They’re also not adults yet but occasionally get included in more adult conversations/activities…
It’s a very hard thing to manage to not crush their character but to help them navigate that change.

Also- and finally cos I didn’t mean this to get so long- I absolutely disagree that apologising to your kids is a sign of weakness or suggests to that child that they’re being rewarded for their behaviour..
As adults and parents we still make mistakes and they impact our kids… their way of telling us that may not be ideal but they’re kids.. we’re the adults. We need to lead by example and show how healthy relationships work… apologising doesn’t necessarily mean you change your plans but it does show that you’ve acknowledged their feelings.
One of my strongest memories as a child was my mum apologising to me and it genuinely helped me to be able to apologise to others in the future.

Good luck. It’s not you and it’s not her.. it’s hormones (both of you probably!!) it’s stress, it’s uncertainty, maybe a bit of jealousy… it’s a difficult time and will need grace from all sides.

(Also.. sorry.. who cares how much you spent on a car seat.. it wasn’t a gift, it was a necessity.. does she count you buying her pants, socks, sanitary items as gifts?!)