Is she spoilt or am I shit mum?

[ojss21]

I've NC for this but I'm a regular poster.

My teen dd(15) has started to be quite challenging recently, and I we usually have quite a good relationship, but I've been a single mum to her for most of her life and up until 5 months ago she was an only child, so I tend to be lenient with her at times and struggle to determine whether her behaviour is spoilt or if I'm a shit mum (if that makes sense).

Here's some examples of her recent gripes / reasons for being annoyed with me :

1. I "only" gave her £100 cash for her 15th birthday plus a few cheaper things to open like chocolates. The main present was the cash and I've always done this for the past few years given her age as it's easier for her to choose her own stuff, I find. She complained for two reasons- firstly, it's not as much as I spent on her 5 month old sister's new car seat which cost £250 (clearly the baby needed that and it's not really comparable), and secondly because she wanted more things to open on the day (despite £100 cash being her main present and also a stretch for me anyway at the moment with being on maternity leave).

1. We are going away for a few nights this weekend (in the U.K.) and we were originally due to come back on Tuesday. We have extended to Wednesday as we plan to make a detour on the drive back to stay overnight with my sister who is going through a really shitty and scary time at the moment (don't want to go into details but it's health related and potentially very serious). My DD's response at this unexpected detour to her aunty's was "great, that ruins my plans to see my friends on that day as I thought we were coming back the night before. Wish I'd never agreed to come with you now". And off she stropped to her bedroom. This is an aunty who she is very close to, by the way, and is aware of her health complications currently. Dd has also had several days out and sleepovers with her friends this summer hols and I admit it slipped my mind she had planned this outing with them when I arranged to stay away from home an extra night with my sister.

So.... is my DD spoilt, or am I a bad mum for "only" giving her £100 for her birthday and for inadvertently ruining her day out with her mates? This is a genuine question, by the way. I struggle to gain perspective with her sometimes and she makes me feel guilty for my decisions. It's been harder since the baby was born as I feel I'm ploughing so much time and energy into the little one that I'm almost neglecting the eldest, so I do need some outside perspectives!

Thank you.

My DD is 16. I think these are tough ages 14,15,16....

I gave my DD a sibling when she was 9. So now they are 16 and 7. Sometimes she says to me you bought trainers for £60 for her but I can't have £10 for McDonald's etc

It's hard. I always spend about £300 on birthdays. But that's with everything. Cake and balloons etc. Not saying that's what you should do but I think these days £100 doesn't get you a lot. I think she sounds jealous of her sibling as she's been 15 years on her own.

@ojss21

I think it's the car seat comment that's upset me the most. Surely even at 15 you understand the difference between a safety item that is a necessity for a baby and £100 birthday cash? I wish I could have afforded to give her £250 birthday cash, I honestly do. But on mat leave pay I just can't

But a £250 carseat isn't a necessity. There are other cheaper options. Of course you can choose whichever you want, but there's no need to justify it as a necessity when there are other options.

Congratulations on your new baby. She isn’t spoiled and you’re being very calm, she is probably feeling a bit all over the place and the last 18 months just with the school disruption has been hard alongside illnesses and changes. Sounds like she is processing in a typical teenage way, can the two of you go out for lunch together on your own to talk it all through.

A quick google suggests you can get infant car seats much cheaper than £250 - if your DD has done the same, she's probably annoyed that you have bought a top end car seat for the baby but are talking about not being able to afford more birthday money for her. I'd probably have blown my top over it at 15, although I can see as an adult why you'd want an important safety item to be the best you can afford.

I don’t think you’re a shit mum.

15yos are not generally reasonable - it’s very common for them to be really self-centred at that age. Add in the fact that she’s adjusting to a new baby who will obviously be taking an enormous amount of your time and energy, and she probably feels all kinds of out of sorts.

Try and carve out time just for her when you can. She’ll be fine in the end - it’s just a phase.

What do you mean you can't afford it on maternity leave? What is your dp contributing?

It would feel shit for her to not have money spent so equally. $250 is available for baby but not for her.

It sounds like pretty typical 15 year old behaviour. They can be pretty selfish at that age. Of course you aren’t a bad mum. You sound like a great mum. Be mindful that having a new sibling is a big change for your DD and she might be struggling to adjust to that, hence the onset of challenging behaviour. Don’t let her get away with being disrespectful, but also try to ensure she knows how loved she is and that you’re still very much there for her despite how busy you are having an infant around now.

The one point in particular I wouldn’t let her off with is her complaining about her birthday cash. That’s so entitled and rude. I’d try to nip that in the bud right away and explain to her just how much money that is and how grateful she should be.

@ojss21

I think it's the car seat comment that's upset me the most. Surely even at 15 you understand the difference between a safety item that is a necessity for a baby and £100 birthday cash? I wish I could have afforded to give her £250 birthday cash, I honestly do. But on mat leave pay I just can't

@ojss21 It sounds like she's struggling with her feelings about the new baby.

Take some time to spend with her on on one - shopping or lunch dates or movie nights where you can give her full attention and your DP has the baby.
She'll be feeling unsettled. Reassure her to alleviate that anxiety

With the car seat etc, gently point out that she would have had the same when she was a baby so she hasn't 'missed out'

However I suspect it's not the money that is the issue but the thought/care. As a teen I hated it when I got money for Xmas/birthdays 'because it's easier'

It felt like my parents simply couldn't be bothered to spend time to get to know me or understand what I liked/wanted. It's very impersonal and can be thoughtless. It may be that your DD is struggling with similar feelings.

I think you need to take some time to focus on her

It’s neither: you aren’t a bad mum and she isn’t spoilt in general.

Cut her some slack. Cut yourself some slack.

I’d just ignore the gripes about the birthday money…but at Xmas give her something “big” and the baby something “little”. Your baby won’t care but your DD will.

With the visiting of your sister - can you give her the option to get a train back so she can see friends as arranged? Feeling that she has a choice may help.

@againreallyplase

What do you mean you can't afford it on maternity leave? What is your dp contributing?

It would feel shit for her to not have money spent so equally. $250 is available for baby but not for her.

You can’t be serious? Having to buy a necessity like a baby’s car seat and giving your other much older child a pretty large sum of money (at that age) for their birthday is not something that’s comparable at all.

I don’t think you’re a shit Mum and don’t think she is spoilt either. I think she’s suddenly finding herself having to adjust to a sibling after 15 years as an only child which is huge. She’s also 15 so most 15 year olds are self absorbed brats at the best of times. I can understand why she’s upset about the detour having made plans that day already which she’ll now have to cancel, some people don’t like last minute changes either.

Cut her (and yourself) some slack.

@BabylonDreams

up until 5 months ago she was an only child Didn't need to read much past this to know what the problem was going to be.

Wow 15 and suddenly her mum has a massive new priority that isn't her.

it's not as much as I spent on her 5 month old sister's new car seat which cost £250
Ask yourself how she knew it cost £250? She's been paying close attention hasn't she. Of course she has, the baby is her competition for you!

You are not a bad mother at all, but YABU in that you don't seem to realise in your OP how much her world has just been turned upside down and therefore she will need a lot of love and reassurance for a while.

This.

I can totally see where you are coming from but I can also see how she might view there as being a discrepancy between treatment if she is feeling neglected or pushed out anyway. And in fairness, while I understand this is a very simplistic viewpoint, you did manage to find £250 for the new child and only £100 for her.

She’s been an only for a long time and this would be a huge adjustment no matter what, but her hormones are likely on overdrive which will no doubt be making everything worse. I would cut her some slack and spend as much time with her as you can.

Can dp not contribute more? Are you not sharing the costs of your mat leave?

@SmidgenofaPigeon

That is one expensive car seat though and I probably wouldn’t have kept my gob shut on that at 15.

Really?! It was one of the cheapest 😳

Ask yourself how she knew it cost £250?

She asked me outright.

It's hard. I always spend about £300 on birthdays. But that's with everything. Cake and balloons etc. Not saying that's what you should do but I think these days £100 doesn't get you a lot.

If I wasn't on mat leave I'd have been able to stretch to more.

@FAQs

Congratulations on your new baby. She isn’t spoiled and you’re being very calm, she is probably feeling a bit all over the place and the last 18 months just with the school disruption has been hard alongside illnesses and changes. Sounds like she is processing in a typical teenage way, can the two of you go out for lunch together on your own to talk it all through.

Yes we were planning to do this when we get back from our trip away - DP is going to look after the baby while we have lunch and little day out just us two.

@SquirryTheSquirrel

A quick google suggests you can get infant car seats much cheaper than £250 - if your DD has done the same, she's probably annoyed that you have bought a top end car seat for the baby but are talking about not being able to afford more birthday money for her. I'd probably have blown my top over it at 15, although I can see as an adult why you'd want an important safety item to be the best you can afford.

It has an isofix base attached, that's what's made it more expensive. It's also suitable for up to 12 years of age so it's the only seat we will need for the youngest

I don’t know why you are getting a hard time for the car seat, £250 is pretty standard if you have researched and gone for the one if safest seats and I don’t think anyone should suggest you should compromise on a babies safety.

You have not been unreasonable but she is 15 and life is tough at 15. She is feeling vulnerable and acting out a bit, we were all a little selfish at that age. Just keep reassuring her and making time for her. She will come out if it.

OP- I just did a quick google- and I know a bit firsthand too as we need to buy one soon- £250 is NOT one of the cheapest car seats by any stretch

@againreallyplase

What do you mean you can't afford it on maternity leave? What is your dp contributing?

It would feel shit for her to not have money spent so equally. $250 is available for baby but not for her.

My DP contributes hugely to the household finances and the baby. I don't expect him however to contribute to my own DD's birthday money. That's my job. Hence why it's all I can afford. Don't forget she also has a dad who has given her money too (towards a new iPhone I believe).

I’m not having a go about the car seat at all- I’m just saying that at 15 I would have had a lot to say about the outlay of £250 on one.

With the visiting of your sister - can you give her the option to get a train back so she can see friends as arranged? Feeling that she has a choice may help.

I actually hadn't thought of this. She's never been on a train by herself so I'm not sure if she would feel confident enough but I can ask her.

I understand this is a very simplistic viewpoint, you did manage to find £250 for the new child and only £100 for her.

That's because there are two of us financially contributing to the baby, me and DP. DD is my sole financial responsibility, I wouldn't expect DP to contribute.

If she wants to be treated the same as the baby, she can go to bed at 7pm. The car seat isn’t a gift, FFS, any more that the new school shoes you are likely to spend a fortune on are an extra birthday present for her.

Honestly, 15 year olds can be unbelievably selfish and thoughtless - hence the holiday comment. They do improve with time.