Is she spoilt or am I shit mum?

[ojss21]

I've NC for this but I'm a regular poster.

My teen dd(15) has started to be quite challenging recently, and I we usually have quite a good relationship, but I've been a single mum to her for most of her life and up until 5 months ago she was an only child, so I tend to be lenient with her at times and struggle to determine whether her behaviour is spoilt or if I'm a shit mum (if that makes sense).

Here's some examples of her recent gripes / reasons for being annoyed with me :

1. I "only" gave her £100 cash for her 15th birthday plus a few cheaper things to open like chocolates. The main present was the cash and I've always done this for the past few years given her age as it's easier for her to choose her own stuff, I find. She complained for two reasons- firstly, it's not as much as I spent on her 5 month old sister's new car seat which cost £250 (clearly the baby needed that and it's not really comparable), and secondly because she wanted more things to open on the day (despite £100 cash being her main present and also a stretch for me anyway at the moment with being on maternity leave).

1. We are going away for a few nights this weekend (in the U.K.) and we were originally due to come back on Tuesday. We have extended to Wednesday as we plan to make a detour on the drive back to stay overnight with my sister who is going through a really shitty and scary time at the moment (don't want to go into details but it's health related and potentially very serious). My DD's response at this unexpected detour to her aunty's was "great, that ruins my plans to see my friends on that day as I thought we were coming back the night before. Wish I'd never agreed to come with you now". And off she stropped to her bedroom. This is an aunty who she is very close to, by the way, and is aware of her health complications currently. Dd has also had several days out and sleepovers with her friends this summer hols and I admit it slipped my mind she had planned this outing with them when I arranged to stay away from home an extra night with my sister.

So.... is my DD spoilt, or am I a bad mum for "only" giving her £100 for her birthday and for inadvertently ruining her day out with her mates? This is a genuine question, by the way. I struggle to gain perspective with her sometimes and she makes me feel guilty for my decisions. It's been harder since the baby was born as I feel I'm ploughing so much time and energy into the little one that I'm almost neglecting the eldest, so I do need some outside perspectives!

Thank you.

*i’d not of

The money thing, yes definitely bad and spoilt.

Her statement about having to come back sooner, I'd be more lenient. She probably didn't really mean what she said the way it come out. She was probably just focused on a particular event she was looking forward to, and sadly, at this age they can't manage to care about two important things at the same time. At that age, serious health issues and death are mainly concepts, not something that really happens to those she loves, so although she knows by name that her aunt has something, it's probably not compute that it means that her aunt is feeling low, scared, and is very much looking forward to seeing all of you. That's the self-centered side of teenagehood, but doesn't mean she doesn't care. Certainly an opportunity for her to learn that selfishness and lack of showing care for those she is close to has consequences.

I think I was quite selfish at 15 too. And I didn't really take into account affordability. I'm still.an only child so I didn't have the baby to come along but I think being 15 is a big part of her behaviour. You're not shit!

Bloody hell, car seats are expensive now, aren't they. Everything has got so pricey!

@madroid

Be nice but tell her when she's out of order eg the car seat vs £100 birthday gift. I'd take it back with a response like that.

There's only one response that's appropriate to a gift: thank you.

And the detour to see aunt is unbelievable. How selfish can you get?

Yes, I'd say a bit spoilt and selfish. Time for some home truths (but said nicely)

This is my DP's opinion too, hence why I posted here. He thinks she's being unbelievably selfish with these two issues. I'm not sure if it's my fault, though, so I wanted some outside perspectives.

Neither !

You’re a good mum and she’s a typical teenager IMO.
Don’t worry about it, it’s part of growing up.

@Hoppinggreen

She’s 15 with all that comes with that. Plus she sees that you have less money due to a new baby, of course she’s stroppy. She’s had 15 years of being an only child and no matter how well everyone gets on it’s a huge change for her

Yeah, but that's a new reality she needs to adapt to, in the same way as kids do when they get new siblings by both parents or the household income goes up and down.

Children of separated parents are normal children, there is no need to spoil them out of pity or guilt. Honest.

Well she doesn't sound spoilt at all. I can only guess at this but maybe as she got £100 and sees it as new baby got £250 it made her feel like a less of a priority. Why does baby need a £250 car seat yet she only gets £100 anyway? Probably feels less loved. Baby come along and gets more than her. Then you forgot she had plans which made her feel like she's not important or listened to.

Can those saying that it’s too much to spend on a car seat send links to cheaper ones they have properly researched to ensure highest safety features etc. £250 on a car seat is not expensive , especially if it goes all the way through. And is certainly not comparable to a birthday present! I know it’s not really the point of the thread but I am not sure people who keep saying this have realistically bought a car seat recently !

The whole answer to your question is encompassed in "5 month old baby sister".

DD15 is having a very normal reaction to no longer being the absolute centre of your world.

Go back to how you might have responded if DD15 was 4 or 5 years old with a new sibling - make lots of time for "grown up things" with her. Make sure you are seen to be making an effort to do things 1 on 1 with DD15. Can you leave baby with her dad to spend "special time" with DD15?

And also, 15 year olds are selfish and often pretty shitty. She'll grow out of it. And friends are the centre of their world at that age. Apologise for double-booking you all with your sister. "I'm sorry I double booked us with your auntie, it's just that I'm worried about her, and it's stressed me out, and I forgot about your plans. I'm really sorry." She's old enough to understand that you also have emotions.

She's definitely being selfish and rude and ungrateful. But dont write her off just yet. Teenagers are notoriously selfish and the new baby will have unsettled her even if over all she's happy to have a sibling.

My advice would be to ignore her and save it all up to mortify her with when she's older

@Italiandreams

Can those saying that it’s too much to spend on a car seat send links to cheaper ones they have properly researched to ensure highest safety features etc. £250 on a car seat is not expensive , especially if it goes all the way through. And is certainly not comparable to a birthday present! I know it’s not really the point of the thread but I am not sure people who keep saying this have realistically bought a car seat recently !

With isofix base attached and suitable until age 12! If you can link to this I'll take the other one back and swap!

I agree this is a lot about her feelings around the new sibling.
The car seat is the example being used however I’m sure that is just one of a multitude of purchases that have been made for new baby, you have less money as you are off looking after baby, you haven’t been listening to her as much because your head is full with baby…

It’s understandable of course and you aren’t a bad mum at all but 15 year olds are about as demanding as 5 month olds but just in a very different way

I think if she truly believes you were on your arse with money she wouldn’t have said anything about the £100, but to her mind it may well seem that you ‘find’ the cash when it’s for the baby.

I think the unexpected detour is also understandable- I’d be annoyed if plans got changed for me too.

(Ps I do think the car seat was a bit OTT- I’m expecting and got isofix 360 spinner up to approx age 4 from a reputable brand for £170. Remember if you have an accident they need replacing too, and the ones that cover newborn to 12 tend to have worse overall safety in testing. Also wow imagine how rank that seat is going to be after a few years of snacks being crushed into it!)

Don't involve your partner in the argument with her it will make her feel more pushed out.

I'm trying to imagine my 15 year old's reaction to me having a baby and her no longer being the centre of my world and it's giving me the shivers!

Apologise for double-booking you all with your sister. "I'm sorry I double booked us with your auntie, it's just that I'm worried about her, and it's stressed me out, and I forgot about your plans. I'm really sorry."

I will approach it like this today and see what she says. She's actually a caring girl underneath it all.

@ojss21

Just to add - most months my dd will easily have in the region of £80 spending money - a tenner here, 20 quid there, etc. That's not stopped despite being on maternity. So the £100 for her birthday would have been additional last month to the usual amounts of spending money I give her. She's not hard done by. I earn quite a good salary when not on mat leave and for the best part of 15 years she has had most things she's asked for.

See, if she gets that much spending money anyway she's going to think you're being harsh with 'only' £100 for her birthday...

Does she feel pushed out by baby? How has she reacted to the new baby? I know two families with a similar gap. One he loves his little sister helped with home schooling when he was furloughed. The other not so good and I really feel for all of them. The baby was not a sleeper and he had GCSEs etc. They moved for a bigger house away from his friends. He feels that he has made a lot of sacrifice for a child that isn’t his.

Why the polarising question: spoilt or shit mum. Neither is true. Your daughter is being a typical teen and has A LOT to work through emotionally re new baby/ baby’s father treating her differently. You also have a lot to deal with: small baby AND upset teen. Some yo7 and her time is needed. You are the adult, and she needs reassurance that you love her just as much as the new baby (surely this is where her “bad behaviour” is coming from). It’s tough fir her but as a “new” mum to a baby you probably don’t have huge amounts of reserves… understanding her perspective will solve some of this, if not a lot of it. Good luck 💐

You and her time, sorry typo

@DeflatedGinDrinker

Don't involve your partner in the argument with her it will make her feel more pushed out.

I haven't. This was a private conversation between me and DP after it all happened. He doesn't get involved directly with discipline issues - I deal with them.

This is my DP's opinion too, hence why I posted here. He thinks she's being unbelievably selfish

I hope he hasn't said this to her. Yes her responses aren't the best, but she's 15 and going through so many changes. If she thinks everyone in the family thinks she's being selfish and spoilt it's just going to make the situation much worse, and she'll feel even more pushed out.

@RobinPenguins

I was an absolute dick when I was 15, and I wasn’t an only child or spoilt and my mum was a fantastic mum, plenty of boundaries etc. It was like my hormones made me completely self absorbed and selfish for a while.

Ahhh, I'm glad it wasn't just me. I was an absolute arsehole and my mum did everything right.

@Whinge

This is my DP's opinion too, hence why I posted here. He thinks she's being unbelievably selfish

I hope he hasn't said this to her. Yes her responses aren't the best, but she's 15 and going through so many changes. If she thinks everyone in the family thinks she's being selfish and spoilt it's just going to make the situation much worse, and she'll feel even more pushed out.

No he hasn't said anything to her - see my previous post. He doesn't get involved. That's his opinion which he's entitled to, which he is expressed to me only.

She is not spoilt. And you are not a shit mum. What you are describing is a perfectly normal situation in the home of a 15 year old girl. She’s bound to feel a bit sidelined by the new baby and at her age she will be prioritising seeing her friends. You sound like a very caring mum and she only sounds a little bit stroppy compared to many teenagers. What matters is your awareness of what’s going on and that you’re not ignoring the issues. I’m sure things will settle down before too long.

Her reaction to the detour is typical teenage self centred behaviour when the world revolves around their friends and plans. Tbf a lot of people would struggle to have their plans altered for them, but adults see the big picture and mask their disappointment in a way 15 year olds typically don't. All entirely normal.
The reaction to the gift would annoy me but unless she's typically ungrateful I wouldn't worry too much, but I'd tell her in no uncertain terms she had been rude and hurtful.
As for the feeling pushed out thing, in sure she is a little, but that's too bad isn't it? We don't get to choose whether we remain an only child or not. and you're not a bad mum to your first child because you chose to have a second. I'm sure you're doing all the obvious things to ease the transition for her, as you sound sensible and sensitive to her feelings.
I also can't believe people are actually questioning the car seat purchase and who should have paid, because apparantly its ok for your DD to think your gift to her isn't good enough!