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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is she spoilt or am I shit mum?

637 replies

ojss21 · 21/08/2021 09:37

I've NC for this but I'm a regular poster.

My teen dd(15) has started to be quite challenging recently, and I we usually have quite a good relationship, but I've been a single mum to her for most of her life and up until 5 months ago she was an only child, so I tend to be lenient with her at times and struggle to determine whether her behaviour is spoilt or if I'm a shit mum (if that makes sense).

Here's some examples of her recent gripes / reasons for being annoyed with me :

  1. I "only" gave her £100 cash for her 15th birthday plus a few cheaper things to open like chocolates. The main present was the cash and I've always done this for the past few years given her age as it's easier for her to choose her own stuff, I find. She complained for two reasons- firstly, it's not as much as I spent on her 5 month old sister's new car seat which cost £250 (clearly the baby needed that and it's not really comparable), and secondly because she wanted more things to open on the day (despite £100 cash being her main present and also a stretch for me anyway at the moment with being on maternity leave).
  1. We are going away for a few nights this weekend (in the U.K.) and we were originally due to come back on Tuesday. We have extended to Wednesday as we plan to make a detour on the drive back to stay overnight with my sister who is going through a really shitty and scary time at the moment (don't want to go into details but it's health related and potentially very serious). My DD's response at this unexpected detour to her aunty's was "great, that ruins my plans to see my friends on that day as I thought we were coming back the night before. Wish I'd never agreed to come with you now". And off she stropped to her bedroom. This is an aunty who she is very close to, by the way, and is aware of her health complications currently. Dd has also had several days out and sleepovers with her friends this summer hols and I admit it slipped my mind she had planned this outing with them when I arranged to stay away from home an extra night with my sister.

So.... is my DD spoilt, or am I a bad mum for "only" giving her £100 for her birthday and for inadvertently ruining her day out with her mates? This is a genuine question, by the way. I struggle to gain perspective with her sometimes and she makes me feel guilty for my decisions. It's been harder since the baby was born as I feel I'm ploughing so much time and energy into the little one that I'm almost neglecting the eldest, so I do need some outside perspectives!

Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
ojss21 · 23/08/2021 07:27

@lunar1

Some of these replies are absolutely insane.

I don't think there is anything to be gained by going over it all anymore, I'd honestly hide the thread!

Can you make a regular time for your dd, a few hours once a week where your partner takes the baby and the two of you get some proper time together.

Yes I like this idea and it's certainly something I can look into doing now baby is a bit older and things are comparatively easier then the newborn days, so I'd feel ok to leave the baby with DP for a few hours.

Agreed - nothing to be gained from going over it anymore especially with those intent on creating fictional versions of my life or just sticking the boot in because it makes them feel good. Contrastingly, I've gained a lot from the posters who have read my posts and endeavoured to understand them and then posted their views respectfully - even where those posts have gently challenged my mindset and emotions I've been able to take it on board because it's been put across in an entirely different way. I appreciate posters who can do that.

So again, thanks all!

OP posts:
Original poster
ojss21 · 23/08/2021 07:31

so many pp's have decided your dd is Cinderella!

This made me laugh. It takes about 5 hours of nagging just to get her to do a small job like loads the dishwasher, so Cinderella she is not! 😂 (lighthearted before anyone accuses me of hating my dd or something)

OP posts:
Singleorigincoffee · 23/08/2021 11:21

Think she's just being a stroppy teenager, I was angry and angsty at that age so I don't think you're a shit mum!

I had a cousin who had a baby sibling at age 13 and in the beginning she was adamant he was adopted..he was not obvs but she was a teenager throwing a strop and having no control of thoughts and feelings.

£100 I probably would've had that taken away (but put into my bank account where I couldn't touch it)

BlueBellsArePretty · 23/08/2021 11:21

Just to clarify OP are you saying that your partner doesn't buy his stepdaughter a present at her birthday nor contribute anything towards the joint present from you?

Maybe in her head your daughter is picking up on a dynamic that in effect her stepdad, who is your partner and father of her half sister, owes her nothing. At home she sees her sister get the love and resources of two adults but she only gets one.

When growing up my dad remarried and had a baby with my stepmum. Through all the Christmases and birthdays she has always bought me separate presents from my Dad. Not a huge amount but they were always lovely gifts for example she knew about my interests so would buy books related to it. I've not ever thought about it but maybe it was a similar situation where my Dad did not want her contributing to the gift he was buying so she bought them herself. Anyway this was a way of cementing the familial relationship we have. Maybe in future celebrations ask your partner to buy one or two separate gifts for your daughter. I know what I've said is not quite related to the original topic but maybe it would help your daughter feel secure in her place in the family.

BadNomad · 23/08/2021 13:59

@BlueBellsArePretty

The OP buys the presents from them both. Surely if he bought her something seperately that will just be more of a reminder that she's a step-daughter.

Neron · 23/08/2021 14:24

Could her behaviour be a mixture of jealousy, sadness and/or not being able to control any of it?

Jealousy of the baby taking so much of your time. You were poorly throughout pregnancy, so understandably weren't able to do your usual things together, and you've also admitted baby takes your time now, so you're still not doing much together. I know you've said you plan to, but in your 15yo eyes, it's been a long time from pregnancy to now. When is it her 'turn' to get some of your time IYSWIM.

Also, it was just you both for a long time, and separate time with her dad. This baby has both a mum and a dad living together, and is seemingly getting more spent on it than she is (carseat).

It all seems rather complicated, and not a case of you being a bad mother, or her an ungrateful child.

BlueBellsArePretty · 23/08/2021 15:59

The OP buys the presents from them both. Surely if he bought her something seperately that will just be more of a reminder that she's a step-daughter.

I was trying to clarify this with the op. It appears that the op buys her presents from them both but only she actually pays for the presents. So in effect her stepdad does not buy her anything with his own money. Her daughter might have picked up on this.

BadNomad · 23/08/2021 16:51

@BlueBellsArePretty

The OP buys the presents from them both. Surely if he bought her something seperately that will just be more of a reminder that she's a step-daughter.

I was trying to clarify this with the op. It appears that the op buys her presents from them both but only she actually pays for the presents. So in effect her stepdad does not buy her anything with his own money. Her daughter might have picked up on this.

Why would she pick up on it? It's not a thing to pick up on. He's not refusing to buy her anything. Joint gifts from a couple/parents is perfectly normal. When I was a child I got presents. It wasn't this one is from mum and this one was from dad. It was just presents.
DeflatedGinDrinker · 23/08/2021 16:59

I've been with my partner 6 years and I've always brought his children separate bday, xmas and Easter gifts just from me. We don't share finances though.

DeflatedGinDrinker · 23/08/2021 17:06

It sounds so cruel to treat 2 children living in the same household so differently. From what you've said baby will always have double what your daughter has, as your partner will contribute to that but not her. I assume he buys her gifts from him but it is probably more fair to make what they get equal in future. DD didn't ask for a broken home.

Original poster
ojss21 · 23/08/2021 17:13

Why would she pick up on it? It's not a thing to pick up on. He's not refusing to buy her anything. Joint gifts from a couple/parents is perfectly normal. When I was a child I got presents. It wasn't this one is from mum and this one was from dad. It was just presents.

Exactly- this.

OP posts:
Original poster
ojss21 · 23/08/2021 17:14

@DeflatedGinDrinker

My baby won't always have double what my daughter has. How are you reaching that conclusion?

OP posts:
Original poster
ojss21 · 23/08/2021 17:18

@DeflatedGinDrinker

I disagree that it's cruel to treat a 5 month old differently to a teenager. They have entirely different needs and their ages dictate different approaches to parenting with each. Do you also think it's cruel that DD1 will have brand new designer label clothes for Christmas whilst DD2 continues to wear second hand clothes bundles from Facebook marketplace? I don't. Because the baby only needs cheaper clothes as she is growing so much and it would be silly to kit her out in designer gear; whereas DD1 is old enough to appreciate more expensive items and won't grow out of them as quickly. Different approaches for different needs, as I say.

OP posts:
BlueBellsArePretty · 23/08/2021 17:39

Why would she pick up on it? It's not a thing to pick up on. He's not refusing to buy her anything. Joint gifts from a couple/parents is perfectly normal. When I was a child I got presents. It wasn't this one is from mum and this one was from dad. It was just presents.

Well she picked up on the price of the carseat which suggests she's quite perceptive on this. If the birthday presents the OP bought for her daughter came out of her SMP only, then she didn't in fact receive anything from her stepdad. And the OP suggested that her daughter did not get as much because she only has SMP as income. I was suggesting that her dp could have bought some separate presents from him using his own money to make up the shortfall.

I guess if I'm buying a gift for someone that will be from both my dh and I, then they're bought using our joint account.

EarringsandLipstick · 23/08/2021 17:43

DD didn't ask for a broken home.

'A broken home'? 😳 are you stuck back in the 70s? This is not an acceptable phrase to use nowadays.

I have 3 DC & am separated I do not consider their home 'broken' 🤨

EarringsandLipstick · 23/08/2021 17:45

From what you've said baby will always have double what your daughter has

If anything it might be the other way around

DD has a dad, you know, who also buys presents for his daughter, and generous grandparents.

She isn't being disadvantaged in any way.

BadNomad · 23/08/2021 17:48

Yeah pretty sure it's the baby who is going to feel hard done by when they're older when their big sister comes home with a lot more presents and money from her dad's side of the family. Teen daughter is fine.

Original poster
ojss21 · 23/08/2021 17:57

@BlueBellsArePretty

Why would she pick up on it? It's not a thing to pick up on. He's not refusing to buy her anything. Joint gifts from a couple/parents is perfectly normal. When I was a child I got presents. It wasn't this one is from mum and this one was from dad. It was just presents.

Well she picked up on the price of the carseat which suggests she's quite perceptive on this. If the birthday presents the OP bought for her daughter came out of her SMP only, then she didn't in fact receive anything from her stepdad. And the OP suggested that her daughter did not get as much because she only has SMP as income. I was suggesting that her dp could have bought some separate presents from him using his own money to make up the shortfall.

I guess if I'm buying a gift for someone that will be from both my dh and I, then they're bought using our joint account.

She knows the price of the seat because she asked me outright as I've already said on this thread a few times.

I'm not on SMP only - my workplace does occupational mat pay too. So I'm on less than usual but not just SMP.

OP posts:
Original poster
ojss21 · 23/08/2021 17:59

@EarringsandLipstick

From what you've said baby will always have double what your daughter has

If anything it might be the other way around

DD has a dad, you know, who also buys presents for his daughter, and generous grandparents.

She isn't being disadvantaged in any way.

She has extremely generous grandparents on her dad's side, yes. Dd2 has no grandparents on her dad's side and only one on my side who has minimal involvement.

OP posts:
BittaOrange · 23/08/2021 18:01

@Toddlerteaplease

It's a huge adjustment for her to have a baby sibling after 15 years as an only child. Cut her some slack.
This
Original poster
ojss21 · 23/08/2021 18:26

. I was suggesting that her dp could have bought some separate presents from him using his own money to make up the shortfall.

I feel like a broken record but I'll say it again for the avoidance of doubt.

There was no shortfall as far as I was concerned. I assumed £100 was more than adequate. I didn't think she would question it. I was wrong. But originally, when I gifted her this amount, there was no "shortfall" to make up because I was more than happy with that amount.

OP posts:
mogsrus · 23/08/2021 18:30

ahhh the only person on the planet syndrome rears its ugly head

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 23/08/2021 18:46

I have a 15yo dd so feel your pain!

Teens are selfish and I imagine your dd is struggling with all the attention the new baby is getting. Could you spend a bit of one on one time with her? Maybe a shopping trip to spend her bday money?

I personally like giving gifts rather than money and if she's expressed that to you maybe take that on board for next year/Christmas etc.

The aunt thing id tell her you are disappointed in how selfish she's being.

She doesn't sound spoilt IMO.

PieceOfString · 23/08/2021 19:31

Crikey op. Think you've given enough. Step away before you go mad.

pecanmix · 23/08/2021 19:34

Op you sound like a great mum

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