Is she spoilt or am I shit mum?

[ojss21]

I've NC for this but I'm a regular poster.

My teen dd(15) has started to be quite challenging recently, and I we usually have quite a good relationship, but I've been a single mum to her for most of her life and up until 5 months ago she was an only child, so I tend to be lenient with her at times and struggle to determine whether her behaviour is spoilt or if I'm a shit mum (if that makes sense).

Here's some examples of her recent gripes / reasons for being annoyed with me :

1. I "only" gave her £100 cash for her 15th birthday plus a few cheaper things to open like chocolates. The main present was the cash and I've always done this for the past few years given her age as it's easier for her to choose her own stuff, I find. She complained for two reasons- firstly, it's not as much as I spent on her 5 month old sister's new car seat which cost £250 (clearly the baby needed that and it's not really comparable), and secondly because she wanted more things to open on the day (despite £100 cash being her main present and also a stretch for me anyway at the moment with being on maternity leave).

1. We are going away for a few nights this weekend (in the U.K.) and we were originally due to come back on Tuesday. We have extended to Wednesday as we plan to make a detour on the drive back to stay overnight with my sister who is going through a really shitty and scary time at the moment (don't want to go into details but it's health related and potentially very serious). My DD's response at this unexpected detour to her aunty's was "great, that ruins my plans to see my friends on that day as I thought we were coming back the night before. Wish I'd never agreed to come with you now". And off she stropped to her bedroom. This is an aunty who she is very close to, by the way, and is aware of her health complications currently. Dd has also had several days out and sleepovers with her friends this summer hols and I admit it slipped my mind she had planned this outing with them when I arranged to stay away from home an extra night with my sister.

So.... is my DD spoilt, or am I a bad mum for "only" giving her £100 for her birthday and for inadvertently ruining her day out with her mates? This is a genuine question, by the way. I struggle to gain perspective with her sometimes and she makes me feel guilty for my decisions. It's been harder since the baby was born as I feel I'm ploughing so much time and energy into the little one that I'm almost neglecting the eldest, so I do need some outside perspectives!

Thank you.

OP you are entitled to spend what you like on a car seat. I certainly wouldn’t buy one of the cheapest on the market.It’s essential kit, much like shoes, coats, clothes, school trips etc for your DD. I’d point out separate budgets for gifts vs essential things, and does she want her dsis to have an shitty car seat?

@SquirryTheSquirrel

It has an isofix base attached, that's what's made it more expensive. It's also suitable for up to 12 years of age so it's the only seat we will need for the youngest

Yes - and as someone in her late 40s I can absolutely see that 1. it's cheaper in the long term not to have to replace the seat when your daughter gets bigger and 2. that with safety items you should usually buy the best you can afford.

But as a 15 year-old there's no way I'd have had that perspective - I'd have seen it in simplistic terms that the amount spent on each child should be equal in order to be fair.

They all have to pass the same safety regulations though don't they?

IMO YABU for spending £250 on a car seat if you're 'stretched for cash' but I know many parents who get suckered in to spending more because it's the best brand or whatever.

I would concentrate far more on your teen DD at Christmas. You'll know very well the baby will have zero idea of what is going on and her presents can be stuff she needs.

And also, 15 year olds are selfish and often pretty shitty. She'll grow out of it.

I agree that lots of 15 year olds are selfish and shitty. They only grow out of it of they are parented through it though in my experience.

I was an awful teen, but my mum didn't just excuse it as me just being a teen, she helped to guide me through and gave firm consequences as needed.

Neither.
She is 15.
You can see the sense in a 250 quid car seat. So can I. She is 15!
She has a point about the missing out on her friends trip. More important than the entire universe at 15.

@EmergencyPoncho

I would concentrate far more on your teen DD at Christmas. You'll know very well the baby will have zero idea of what is going on and her presents can be stuff she needs.

I would personally concentrate on teaching my DD that the amount of money spent on a person does not correlate to the amount they are valued and loved. Far better than throwing money at it imo.

I would not apologise profusely about double booking, but I would explain that we all some times have to do things that we were not planning or didn't expect if someone needs us urgently.

She sounds anxious… about her place in the family due to the new baby and also about her aunt’s health. Cut her some slack, being 15 was the hardest age for me

Thanks all, lots of helpful perspectives! I'll come back and read through when I get a bit more time.

I think I just found my sister's news very upsetting last night and then to see my DD's unsympathetic reaction to this, it just broke me. Then I started to think, is this my fault and is she right? Who should I be putting first here, my sister or my daughter? (All whilst also putting a 5 month old first of course).

I'm just a bit pulled in every which direction at the mo.

They all have to pass the same safety regulations though don't they?

Yes, but they pass them at the time of construction when they are brand new - durability is also a consideration, especially when the plan is for the seat to last 12 years.

This is my DP's opinion too, hence why I posted here. He thinks she's being unbelievably selfish with these two issues. I'm not sure if it's my fault, though, so I wanted some outside perspectives.

Tbh I wouldn’t be seeking dp’s opinion when he has made no offer to contribute to ensure that she doesn’t miss out. I’m not saying he should or shouldn’t contribute, that is for the two of you to decide. But he should not get to completely disregard her feelings in this way when she is experiencing a huge change that he clearly has no understanding or empathy towards.

She’s 15. With the best will in the world, your new baby will be exactly the same at that age. But hopefully they won’t have a huge life change to deal with also. Please try and support her through this rather than listening to his very biased and uncaring opinion.

@SpiderinaWingMirror

Neither. She is 15. You can see the sense in a 250 quid car seat. So can I. She is 15! She has a point about the missing out on her friends trip. More important than the entire universe at 15.

Even if she's had about 10 trips out / sleepovers with her mates already these summer hols?

If your DP didn’t contribute to her present, did he buy her a present?

He’s been in her life for six years so I would expect him to buy her something or contribute to her present. If not, she’s not really being treated like part of the blended family, is she?

OMG, please don't apologise to her!!! Although her behaviour is typical and so normal, it is in no way good behaviour. She needs to learn that she is acting spoilt and entitled. Don't reward that behaviour and make her thing that indeed, she is justified to feel aggrieved that she only got £100 for her birthday, and that indeed, her plans should trump seeing her poorly aunty.

She needs to be told. That's part of parenting, and a bit step in teenagehood. As much as their behaviour is normal, it is also normal to be annoyed and all at your parents because they pick up on your behaviour...until you finally grow up, look back, and think that indeed, you were a brat, and you are grateful your parents didn't let you get away with it.

It's apologising and teaching your daughter that this behaviour is acceptable that would be shitty parenting.

On the other hand you can spend your money on whatever you like. It sounds like your daughter is definitely acting spoilt but as PP's have said it's probably all circumstantial. You're not a shit mum.

@ThatMortgageDilemma

I would not apologise profusely about double booking, but I would explain that we all some times have to do things that we were not planning or didn't expect if someone needs us urgently.

This is basically what I said last night. And she stropped off

15 year olds are selfish, however and this is against alot of mumsnet wisdom, I feel having 2nd families is also selfish and I say this as someone whose father died when they were a child and who separated from dc father when they were a baby and he subsequently died. To be in a loving relationship with someone there is no need to cement it with a baby.

No point in blaming either you or DD, you don't need to look at this in such black and white terms.
As far as the stopover at your sister's is concerned, you seem to add on the fact that DD has a prior arrangement as an afterthought. It seems a bit rude that you just announce the change of plan without discussing it with her first. I know my (now adult) DC would have been upset about this, and might have chosen not to come on the trip if it meant missing out on an arrangement with friends. I guess DD is too young to do this, but maybe she could stay with Dad instead? Or you could put her on the train to come home at the original time? Ot maybe you could visit DSis on the way there rather than on the way home? There are compromises you could make here.
Re the present, that does sound a bit ungrateful, and I guess she will have had a present from her Dad as well. Was there something in particular that she wanted to buy?

If you’re anything like my mother, I imagine she’s been completely sidelined by the new baby.

I also got new siblings at that age after being an only child. All of a sudden my mother was no longer available for anything. No more rides to and from school, to friends houses, to the shops, because “baby sleeping, can’t wake her”.

Money was tighter, so Christmas and birthday gifts from then on for me were not much at all while the sibling were (and still fucking are even though they’re adults now) piled with the latest and greatest.

I resented and hated my siblings and still do tbh. There is absolutely zero relationship there because I can’t stand how differently they’re treated.

I don’t think she sounds spoilt. I think she sounds like she’s struggling. FWIW I have fuck all to do with my mother these days. She’s got her golden children and has no need for me.

My DP contributes hugely to the household finances and the baby. I don't expect him however to contribute to my own DD's birthday money. That's my job.

This set up will create a ‘them and us’ situation. You will seem like a separate family unit from her.

I understand your impulse but if you get a new partner who lives with you and you have a child with them you all need to become a family unit.

She IS being a bit selfish regarding the visit to her aunt and the car seat behaviour is really none of her business - the kids have different needs so it is what it is.

I’d have a very frank conversation with her about what’s behind the behaviour and try to get to the root of it.

She’s being stroppy cos she blames you for having a baby. She needs to accept it - and you can help.

She asked me outright when DP was outside fitting the new seat how much it cost. Of course I wouldn't volunteer this information, why would I? I did think it was an odd question. Then she launched straight into "oh right... £250 on a seat for the baby but I only get £100 for my birthday?!"

You can always say ‘none of your business’ when she asks about money or ‘I’m not getting into that with you right now’ if you can see the way the conversation is shaping up.
I can see why her teenage brain has made this connection as she’s is feeling pushed out by the new baby. However, it’s a simple fact the baby needs a car seat, just as she will need school uniform and shoes etc which will likely cost the same. Don’t talk about money to her, when she’s like this.

Your not a bad mum, shes being a bit of a brat but this isnt unusual for a 15 year old plus a new baby at her age is a lot to deal with.

Ok one last comment before I need to go for a bit.

My DP is getting a bad press here for voicing (to me only) that he thinks she's being selfish and that he doesn't care about her contribute financially. This is categorically not true.

Last year I was stuck in bed vomiting every 10 mins with horrific morning sickness. So that my dd didn't miss out for her birthday, DP took all her and her friends out and paid for it all; then came home and cleaned up my vomit and proceeded to look after all of us for the next 9 months while i suffered the worst pregnancy ever.

He's not a bad man. He cares. I don't ask him for extra money towards my daughter but he wouldn't hesitate to give it if I did. He's entitled to an opinion about her behaviour. As am I, and everyone else posting on here.

And the previous poster makes a very good point about your DP. Did he get her a present? If he didn’t contribute to the gift you gave her he would have got one for her himself, surely?