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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to call partner shit dad for not doing the careing side of parenting because he works?

250 replies

Sophie1029734 · 19/08/2021 18:00

So me and my partner are haveing a disagreement and we are comeing here for opinions. I think hes wrong and he thinks I am.
Our little girl is 18m.

AIBU for calling partner shit dad for not doing any of the careing side such as nappy changes, baths, changing clothes, feeds.. everything.
He thinks he isnt in the wrong for not doing those things because he works 5 days a week from 6.50am and comes back at 5.20pm.I'm a stay at home and dont contribute to food, house and Bill's. I do all the cleaning, near enough homemade meals all the time, baby has seperate meals, I literally do everything in the home and for LO.
I dont think this is an excuse for never doing any part of the careing side for her and never helping out with the house jobs, even through covid leave and parent leave. But he doesnt think its fair that I've called him a shit dad for providing.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sophie1029734 · 19/08/2021 18:01

Sorry typo.
He doesnt think it's fair I've called him a shit dad for how hard he tries to provide for us

OP posts:
WandaVision2 · 19/08/2021 18:03

So he gets evenings and weekends off? When do you get a break?

MotionActivatedDog · 19/08/2021 18:03

Well he’s not doing any dadding so how can he expect to be called a good dad?

I’m a single parent and worked whilst raising my two children alone. Working isn’t an excuse not to do any parenting.

RandomMess · 19/08/2021 18:05

Do you both have equal leisure time?

Why doesn't he want to do parenting of DD to develop their bond?

ElspethFlashman · 19/08/2021 18:05

If he doesn't actually parent then he's not a good parent.

Parenting is more than just patting them on the head when they pass by you slobbing on the sofa.

SunbathingDragon · 19/08/2021 18:07

So during the daytime (weekdays) he provides financially and you provide physically. That sounds fair enough. However, the rest of the time should be split equally with the physical caring.

KatherineOfGaunt · 19/08/2021 18:07

Well, YABU for calling him a shit dad if he's at least there and providing for you and, presumably, having positive relationships with you and your DD. Perhaps a different adjective?

YANBU to want him to do more though. I work 4 days a week, roughly out of the house between 7:30am-5pm. I also do 50% of the childcare, 75% of the housework and 50% of the cooking (and partner is SAHD). But a lot of that is because I want to (except the cleaning!). Does your DP not want to spend time with his daughter?

nimbuscloud · 19/08/2021 18:08

I read your post yesterday about how he pisses all over the toilet and floor and leaves you to clean it up.
Now this further insight into your relationship.
Does he care about you do you think?

WorraLiberty · 19/08/2021 18:09

Well calling someone a 'shit dad' or a 'shit mum' really isn't the best way forward.

But there should definitely be a fair division at weekends as you both need downtime.

harknesswitch · 19/08/2021 18:10

I agree, he's a shit Dad.

I also think the division of labour in the house is woefully unfair. Just because he works, doesn't mean he gets go sit on his arse when he's at home and not contribute towards the running of the house. By being a sahm you are enabling him to go to work and caring for your dc.

You should both be doing 50% of all child rearing and housework when he's at home. That includes the weekend. You should both get equal leisure time. If he gets Saturday afternoon to go off and do a hobby, then you get Sunday afternoon off.

hollyhocksarenotmessy · 19/08/2021 18:10

Yeah, shit Dad. The days when 'providing' let you off the hook for everything else ended in most families decades ago. I had my son in the 80s, we were all Sahm, all our husband's worked and did nappies, nightfeeds, bedtimes, feeding, housework etc in fair shares with us, less in the week of course, but 50/50 at weekends.

All the young dad's I know now are very hands-on, so it wasn't a passing 80s fad..

How did you accidentally marry a time traveller from the 1960s?

Quite frankly, going to work is an absolute piece of piss compared to doing all childcare, housework, 24/7.

vincettenoir · 19/08/2021 18:12

YNBU. He’s a total chancer if he gets home at 5.20pm and does nothing. I literally don’t know anyone who gets home from work that early. That said calling him a shit Dad is not the best way to affect change.

MNmonster · 19/08/2021 18:13

@nimbuscloud

I read your post yesterday about how he pisses all over the toilet and floor and leaves you to clean it up. Now this further insight into your relationship. Does he care about you do you think?
Well if someone pisses everywhere and doesn't clean up after themselves, that's pretty shitty.
hollyhocksarenotmessy · 19/08/2021 18:15

Oh god, is this the pissing everywhere husband?

He doesn't think of you as a wife. He thinks of you as his skivvy. How much more obvious could he be about it?

Why don't you believe that you are worth more than this? He is vile.

Blossomtoes · 19/08/2021 18:15

By being a sahm you are enabling him to go to work and caring for your dc

That isn’t true though. If he wasn’t with OP he probably wouldn’t even have a child.

Having said that, yes he should be spending time with his child. I’d be concerned that he doesn’t seem to want to.

TooYoungToNotice · 19/08/2021 18:17

A shit dad and a shit partner too by the sound's of it.

Does he believe the work you do has no value because it is within the home? Is the work you do raising your child of no value to him? Does he feel that he should have leisure time because he is the big man and you should skivvy after him and have none?

If so, seriously consider if this is what you want your child to grow up seeing as it will shape what they think is right and normal.

justmetoday · 19/08/2021 18:18

I was a sahm until my kids were 4 and 6.
In all that time DH was the sole earner. When he got home from work he would either play with the kids while i make dinner and then do bed and bath time with me. Or i would “ditch” them the second he walked through the door and go to the gym. He would then have to heat up some leftovers or even cook something Shock for himself and the kids.
I usually have the food ready for them before i leave, but depending on my schedule with the kids sometimes there just wasnt any time.
On the weekends we split care duties 50/50.
Your husband sucks and you shouldnt have to put up with it!

Original poster
Sophie1029734 · 19/08/2021 18:20

Partner wants me to add in that he spends quality play time before bed and a bit before his shower. He thinks all the negativity is because I forgot to add it

OP posts:
AngelPrint · 19/08/2021 18:21

In these situations it’s easier to see if, instead of focusing on how much you each DO, focus instead on how much ‘off time’ you each get.

If he gets evenings and weekends off and you never get any time off then the balance is wrong. Looking at it this way makes the differences more apparent.

Certainly if he has weekends off then each weekend should be 50/50.

firstimemamma · 19/08/2021 18:22

My dh got up at 4:30am this morning and has spent the entire day driving an ambulance about. He should be home by 7 and always gets stuck into bedtime or whatever needs doing all of his own accord. Your dp is being lazy and when he's at home he should definitely be doing his share otherwise it's not fair on you and not fair on your child.

Notimeforaname · 19/08/2021 18:23

Ah he plays for a few minutes!!
Why didn't you say??? Yes he's fab!!!
In the dictionary under Father it is indeed '' the man who works and plays with the baby'' yes. Hes a fabulous father.

harknesswitch · 19/08/2021 18:23

@blossomtoes but he is with the op and he does have dc. That's a decision he made. Anyone who has dc has to accept they either pay with time or money to keep a job. The decision to have a child wasn't forced on him.

MotionActivatedDog · 19/08/2021 18:24

@Sophie1029734

Partner wants me to add in that he spends quality play time before bed and a bit before his shower. He thinks all the negativity is because I forgot to add it
Oh, so he does the fun stuff and thinks he’s pulling his weight?
Pinkflipflop85 · 19/08/2021 18:25

@Sophie1029734

Partner wants me to add in that he spends quality play time before bed and a bit before his shower. He thinks all the negativity is because I forgot to add it
Does he want a gold star for doing below the bare minimum and making out like he's some kind of awesome dad?
AngelPrint · 19/08/2021 18:26

Also I don’t have much time for so called men who argue the nitty gritty of how much they ‘do’ and how they shouldn’t have to change a nappy. A true man steps up, pitches in, and realises that his DW or DP is an equal partner and he doesn’t get to say that ‘he provides’ so doesn’t need to pitch in. You provide as a “team” and if he was to pay you by the hour and per task, you’d probably out earn him!

He needs to become a father, not a whining “it’s not fair” lazy hands off dad.