AIBU to call partner shit dad for not doing the careing side of parenting because he works?

[Sophie1029734]

So me and my partner are haveing a disagreement and we are comeing here for opinions. I think hes wrong and he thinks I am.
Our little girl is 18m.

AIBU for calling partner shit dad for not doing any of the careing side such as nappy changes, baths, changing clothes, feeds.. everything.
He thinks he isnt in the wrong for not doing those things because he works 5 days a week from 6.50am and comes back at 5.20pm.I'm a stay at home and dont contribute to food, house and Bill's. I do all the cleaning, near enough homemade meals all the time, baby has seperate meals, I literally do everything in the home and for LO.
I dont think this is an excuse for never doing any part of the careing side for her and never helping out with the house jobs, even through covid leave and parent leave. But he doesnt think its fair that I've called him a shit dad for providing.

@CookPassBabtridge
I get that caring for children is work, but in my mind a SAHM is privileged compared to a working mum. We both worked FT AND had to do the housework and take care of children. Yes we used paid childcare, but only from 9-3 every work day. In turn, I think I was privileged compared to single working parents as they had no partner to help out at all.

Whilst I understand the sentiment here, the thought of treating my DH like a child in this manner gives me the real ick. Thank you so much for doing what I do every day - just no.

@candydreamer and @mum21031608, actually it makes sense to use this technique in all situations where you want somebody to do something, though obviously you need to use a different tone of voice with an adult versus a child, to avoid sounding patronising. My DH uses it on me too, and we both use it at work. You may have read about it in a parenting book, so you think its just for parents, but its a common thread in adult relationship books too - books about maintaining good relationships with your partner and work colleagues. Makes sense really. If we expect children to say please and thankyou, why would we not expect it of adults too?

Oi, you’re a lazy shit, just because you ‘work to provide’ doesn’t give you a get out of jail card for everything else that needs doing.
I had one like you. When I got rid of him none of our children would speak to him, and he had to learn how to cook and clean. Get your act together.

He is a shit dad. Caring for a child is a full time job too, and exhausting, and if you are doing it all you are doing it 24/7, 7 days a week. You must be on your knees.

Why does he not want to be involved in the caring for his daughter like most modern dads?

My DH used to work full time, but he still shared in the parenting when he could - making up bottles, feeding, changing nappies, washing and dressing. Even though I'd been at home all day, he certainly didn't come home at 6 o'clock and sit on his arse all evening waiting for me to do everything.

Even my dad used to change nappies and that was in the 1960s.

Where did you find this useless knob anyway? In a 1950s timewarp?

Why can’t he change nappies at the weekend/evening? Does his penis make it impossible for him to do that?

@habeeno because thanking my dh and praising him for doing his part in parenting, a child he is equally responsible for, and doing housework, in a home that he also lives in and enjoys, makes it sound like he is doing me a favour. I think women especially really need to step away from this narrative.

When he isn't working childcare and household jobs should be 50/50. Simple and fair!

I bet if the OP worked she would still be doing all the parenting when not at work.

@PlanDeRaccordement I don’t know if privileged is the right word, particularly when childcare costs make work prohibitive for some people.

Either way, if one person is at home caring for dc (which as you rightly point out would be contracted out otherwise) then to consider childcare/housework completely that persons responsibility means that their contribution is 24/7/365 which then tips the scales in how much energy each person is putting in. In that situation I’d consider staying at home less of a privilege personally and go back to work if it meant I could either outsource other elements or the other person then decided that it was now fair to share duties outside of working hours (although there are cases that doesn’t happen and you end up with one responsible for the child, home and working which is what I suspect would happen in OP’s case).

Fwiw I went back to work and still ended up with the lions share of child rearing and housework so I can sort of see it from both sides. If your partner isn’t interested in fairness or supporting you or getting involved with the raising of dc then there’s not a workable solution I don’t think. The SAH/work thing is a red herring.

[quote letmethinkaboutitfornow]@Sophie1029734 YABU - working and providing for such an ungrateful person like you must be challenging.
When was the last time you thanked him for that?

It takes two to tango!

If you were actually a nice person, I am sure he would be more willing. Which I think he would do but you sound really hard work! 🤔🤷🏻‍♀️[/quote]
"Thank you for working. If you didn't, I would need to do so and you would need to do the childcare full time (including evenings and weekends as you tell me is my job) or we would need to both be part time and share the out of work hours childcare 50/50."

Not sure he'd be receptive to the alternative.

@NailsNeedDoing

honestly, I think providing a roof over their heads and feeding them is probably the bare minimum. I don't think it makes you a particularly superior parent

Not superior, but certainly not shit. Providing a roof and food is more than the OPs doing when she’s giving hurtful insults to her child’s father, and is really quite important. You could equally say that maintaining a clean house and baby is the bare minimum.

More than she's doing? If she didn't do it, he would need to quit his job and be a SAHD or go part time to share childcare responsibilities.

[quote Candydreamer]@habeeno because thanking my dh and praising him for doing his part in parenting, a child he is equally responsible for, and doing housework, in a home that he also lives in and enjoys, makes it sound like he is doing me a favour. I think women especially really need to step away from this narrative.[/quote]
No, it makes it sound like you appreciate him. And when he thanks you for something you have done it will make you feel appreciated too, rather than taken for granted (a common complaint on these threads). It should be a 2-way narrative, so gender is not relevant. Its useful at work as well as at home. These days, enlightened employers consider the practice of publicly thanking people to be a key part of the skills framework for leadership roles.

So when you go back to work part time is he also going to actually look after his child at home or is that still your job? You’d be doing double to work of him for half the respect. Right now you’re doing his work hours plus evenings and weekends. I don’t think he is being a good dad if he thinks he’s above looking after his own child.

wants me to work now but we would have a huge nursery bill which would probabaly outweigh any pay I'd get. and I honestly can not do the whole working environment yet. But in time working is something I want to do.
I also loveing being with my little girl, I love her so much. Itd break my heart leaving her

You need to go to work, you cannot rely on this arsehole to provide for you. You would be responsible for HALF the nursery bill, not all of it, you would be investing in yourself, your pension etc

"thank you for making me a cup of tea/buying me my favourite chocolate /ironing my dress for tommorow"
All things I've thanked DH for because they were not his responsibility but were simple, loving gestures towards his wife.
"Thank you for doing the washing-up/sticking a load of washing on/changing your child's nappy"
All things I have never and will never thank DH for because it's his dishes/laundry/child too and it's not my responsibility to do all those things for him. We share it because we both created it. It's not a special favour for me for him to wash the dishes he ate off, the pants he wore or the child he also made.

Add up how much private leisure time you both have: be it watching TV, reading, going for a walk by yourself, surfing the net etc etc
If they equal the same amount, then it’s fair.

More than she's doing? If she didn't do it, he would need to quit his job and be a SAHD or go part time to share childcare responsibilities

And she would need to get a job that pays enough to provide her with her own home and pay for everything else that goes with being an adult and a parent.

They are part of team, and if one is doing the home stuff and one is doing all the providing, then they are both contributing fairly already.

This rubbish about a sahm to one baby being a full time job is absolute bollocks. My eldest had ASD and I still managed a nap with a baby and toddler most afternoons, as well as having plenty of time to maintain a clean house and do baby groups etc. Looking after your own children at your own pace is nothing like having a full time demanding job.

So what happens at weekends and evenings when the provider is not out providing, do they get a free pass to do nothing?

Not changing nappies is nothing to be proud of, OP’s partner. It makes you a poor and lazy parent, and a shit partner. Oh and clean up your piss, that’s just disgusting.

He's an arse. As a parent of 3 I'd say it's been the hardest most relentless job out of any paying jobs that I've had, especially when they were babies.

Parenting is a partnership not a bloody job. Yes he goes to work but I bet he'd struggle doing everything you do on a daily basis.

Does he not want to build a relationship with his child. Have lovely memories with them of reading them bedtime stories or bathing them?

DH worked 5.15 until 6 up until the pandemic, all the way through our kids childhood and loved being part of the bedtime routine and sharing the parenting, I can't imagine why your DH would look at your child and not want to be more a part of their lives.. all v v sad.

Hmmm - you want DP to do more caring and if he doesn’t he’s shit, he wants you to do more financial providing but that’s impossible in your opinion… He is also not happy with the current situation and I think you should work together to share the financial and caring burden more equally with both making compromises

@NailsNeedDoing

More than she's doing? If she didn't do it, he would need to quit his job and be a SAHD or go part time to share childcare responsibilities

And she would need to get a job that pays enough to provide her with her own home and pay for everything else that goes with being an adult and a parent.

They are part of team, and if one is doing the home stuff and one is doing all the providing, then they are both contributing fairly already.

This rubbish about a sahm to one baby being a full time job is absolute bollocks. My eldest had ASD and I still managed a nap with a baby and toddler most afternoons, as well as having plenty of time to maintain a clean house and do baby groups etc. Looking after your own children at your own pace is nothing like having a full time demanding job.

Yes but you would have to work and live somewhere regardless of if you have children or not??

However, when you chose to have children surely it goes without saying that they will still need looking after outside the hours of 9-5? And what if you are single? Do single people live in dumps then because they do not have a (doormat) partner at home doing everything for them?

And speak for yourself. I'm a senior where I work and honestly, I find my vice presidents less intimidating than I do my toddlers when they have spent the day trashing the house, trying to fight each other and won't sleep.

[quote PlanDeRaccordement]@CookPassBabtridge
I get that caring for children is work, but in my mind a SAHM is privileged compared to a working mum. We both worked FT AND had to do the housework and take care of children. Yes we used paid childcare, but only from 9-3 every work day. In turn, I think I was privileged compared to single working parents as they had no partner to help out at all.[/quote]
Yes I'd agree that a SAHM might have it easier than a mum who works and also has babies/toddlers.. it depends on the job and what the children are like etc. But I was comparing SAHM to an uninvolved dad who earns the money and nothing more. No physical help or letting OP have a break or appreciating her huge contribution.

The other thing to consider is that some not very present dads in the early years become the best dads when the kids come into teenagehood, as much as some of the most loving and caring mums of toddlers become quite crap mothers when they are older.

I've certainly met dads who just didn't really know how to be with their toddlers, didn't play much with them and never gave them baths, but ended up a fantastic parent when the children were older. You can't be define as a dad just after 18 months when you have decades left of being a parent.

He’s just a shit person tbh.