AIBU to call partner shit dad for not doing the careing side of parenting because he works?

[Sophie1029734]

So me and my partner are haveing a disagreement and we are comeing here for opinions. I think hes wrong and he thinks I am.
Our little girl is 18m.

AIBU for calling partner shit dad for not doing any of the careing side such as nappy changes, baths, changing clothes, feeds.. everything.
He thinks he isnt in the wrong for not doing those things because he works 5 days a week from 6.50am and comes back at 5.20pm.I'm a stay at home and dont contribute to food, house and Bill's. I do all the cleaning, near enough homemade meals all the time, baby has seperate meals, I literally do everything in the home and for LO.
I dont think this is an excuse for never doing any part of the careing side for her and never helping out with the house jobs, even through covid leave and parent leave. But he doesnt think its fair that I've called him a shit dad for providing.

YANBU he's a shit dad, and lazy. Why does he think your job should be 24 hours but he can clock off at 5.20pm? I hate that paid employment is the only work that's seen as valuable

They are part of team, and if one is doing the home stuff and one is doing all the providing, then they are both contributing fairly already.

I agree and there’s understandably some resent from him that she gets to stay at home and see their child all day.
She isn’t planning to get a job until the child is in nursery and he wants her to get one sooner, so they must be struggling financially. If nothing they could just go part time.

During the week the SAHP should do the majority of childcare/housework, during the weekend it should be shared.

I mean....my partner works much longer hours than that, and still comes home and does his fair share of childcare - nappies, bath time and bed time, housework. Not cooking but I wouldnt want that lol.

I appreciate from your partner's point of view he carries the financial burden of the family, but that doesn't mean he's absolved of all child responsibility.

That said, calling him a shit dad is wrong. He DOES provide, which means you can stay home with your child. I think you should be having a constructive conversation about your expectations vs his, and how you can come to a resolution that works for both of you. Calling anyone a shit parent isn't the way to do that.

I agree and there’s understandably some resent from him that she gets to stay at home and see their child all day
It's painfully obvious that this simply isn't true.
If it were true, OP would be shoved aside the minute he got through the door so that he could get stuck in with the baby and this thread wouldn't exist.

He is not a shit Dad. Yes, He's lazy and should be helping out more. You both deserve some downtime on your own that you can do your own thing. He is at work earning money, your at home providing care for your daughter. You both need to sit down and have a calm discussion about how to make things more equal in the house. If he's not sharing the duties on his days off then this needs to change. He doesn't get 2 days off while you get none. It takes time to find the right balance.

I agree and there’s understandably some resent from him that she gets to stay at home and see their child all day.

Of course there is…..

That explains why when he gets home he wants to do everything possible that he can to spend any kind of time with his child because he’s missed her so much during the day…

Oh wait…….

I agree and there’s understandably some resent from him that she gets to stay at home and see their child all day.

Hmm. And yet he only spends time with that child when he has to, when her mum is having a shower etc. 5-15 minutes a few times a week.

Sure, he definitely wants more time with her and is sad he's missing out 🙄

@Sophie1029734 I recommend you read Chapter 9 of Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. It may just save your marriage (possibly to the disappointment of many here on Mumsnet who would like to see it fail, like theirs did). Relationships go through the mill when you have kids - calling your DH names will make things worse, not better.

They are part of team, and if one is doing the home stuff and one is doing all the providing, then they are both contributing fairly already.
Except one has a 5 day a week job, the other 7 days with no off time.

@haynous a previous thread is linked. I suggest that you read that, before making that sort of comment. This is rather beyond adjustment after a baby has been born.

I've been with DH 20 years. We met at university. He's lovely, which is why my marriage has not failed - I wouldn't stay married to a man who thought it was his right to piss all over the toilet and floor every time he used it, and my job to clean that up, for a week. No woman should tolerate that and if you really think that she should, I'm afraid I deeply pity you.

[quote sleeponeday]@haynous a previous thread is linked. I suggest that you read that, before making that sort of comment. This is rather beyond adjustment after a baby has been born.

I've been with DH 20 years. We met at university. He's lovely, which is why my marriage has not failed - I wouldn't stay married to a man who thought it was his right to piss all over the toilet and floor every time he used it, and my job to clean that up, for a week. No woman should tolerate that and if you really think that she should, I'm afraid I deeply pity you.[/quote]
No of course I don't think that - your over-reaction is silly - I have not read the other thread and was answering the question in this one. But if he is indeed pissing on the floor as you describe, name calling still will not help the situation.

So many men only ‘value’ or even see paid work - mine pitches in but thinks he’s a fucking saint for it. We have three DCs and I’d have really enjoyed my career break with my youngest but he’s ruined it really with this attitude. I can’t wait to go back to work for that reason. Don’t have anymore kids with him- you’ll end up resenting him and be miserable.

[quote haynous]@Sophie1029734 I recommend you read Chapter 9 of Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. It may just save your marriage (possibly to the disappointment of many here on Mumsnet who would like to see it fail, like theirs did). Relationships go through the mill when you have kids - calling your DH names will make things worse, not better.[/quote]
Reading comprehension is clearly not your strong suit, since most women on this thread are comparing the OP’s situation to their own loving, mutually caring, partnership-based marriages, and saying this is what you should expect, and are entitled to.

Perhaps have a re-read of the thread.

Name calling isn't helping either of you.try sitting down and talking it through together when baby is asleep and you're both relaxed.
If he won't listen,just get up and go out for a half day and let him cope with your dd .💐

She asks him every morning not to piss all over the toilet / clean up after himself if he genuinely can’t help spraying everywhere ( ), and he ignores her.

@haynous, you said that the women here expressing horror at awful behaviour from a husband, and comparing it to their own partner's, must have failed marriages and want hers to fail, too. That position is both silly, and an over-reaction - in fact it's hyperbolic nonsense, and you seem worryingly defensive of awful men and how they treat the women in their lives, to boot.

Of course all marriages go through shaky points, but the naked contempt towards the OP here is abnormal. It's a step beyond the tensions of adjusting to a new baby, and the natural squabbles and annoyance when two people contend with massive changes, and no sleep. She's being told her contribution is worthless, and she's expected to clean up his piss every single day because he doesn't see why he should either lift the toilet seat, or clean the results. And you think women expressing horror have unattainably high standards? Really?

Is your own partner in the habit of treating you similarly, that you seem to feel that it's normal? If what you read doesn't make you flinch, as it does most of us, then genuinely, genuinely, I would be wondering why. Because if that's your idea of normal, then you deserve better, too.

Oh. Oops!

[quote sleeponeday]@haynous, you said that the women here expressing horror at awful behaviour from a husband, and comparing it to their own partner's, must have failed marriages and want hers to fail, too. That position is both silly, and an over-reaction - in fact it's hyperbolic nonsense, and you seem worryingly defensive of awful men and how they treat the women in their lives, to boot.

Of course all marriages go through shaky points, but the naked contempt towards the OP here is abnormal. It's a step beyond the tensions of adjusting to a new baby, and the natural squabbles and annoyance when two people contend with massive changes, and no sleep. She's being told her contribution is worthless, and she's expected to clean up his piss every single day because he doesn't see why he should either lift the toilet seat, or clean the results. And you think women expressing horror have unattainably high standards? Really?

Is your own partner in the habit of treating you similarly, that you seem to feel that it's normal? If what you read doesn't make you flinch, as it does most of us, then genuinely, genuinely, I would be wondering why. Because if that's your idea of normal, then you deserve better, too.[/quote]
None of the above. I was just answering the OP and haven't read the whole thread or any cross referenced threads. I stand by my recommendation though because even if he does deserve to be kicked out, dealing with it calmly and without name calling will lead to a better outcome all round.

It’s fine not to read the full thread, but when you post not having done so, you risk looking a bit silly.

Accusing us of urging the OP to break up with her feckless partner because you think our relationships have failed, is a prime example.

It’s very odd that someone would jump to this conclusion.

Typical bloke - think he's doing enough by providing the money. He works during the day & comes home, when your 'home time'. When do you get days off? Blokes are thick as shit. Think kids just eat & sleep whilst your sitting on the sofa, reading Woman's Own whilst drinking copious amounts of coffee. I bet he gets a lunch break/ciggie break/drunk hot drink. And I bet you don't!

Think kids just eat & sleep whilst your sitting on the sofa, reading Woman's Own whilst drinking copious amounts of coffee.

While, oddly, being absolutely terrified of being left in charge of them on their own for more than 15 minutes. There aren’t enough 🙄🙄 in the world…

@haynous - ah, okay. That makes sense, and I'm genuinely relieved to hear that that's all it was. You never know what goes on in other people's lives, so someone seeing this as healthy/normal was a bit of a red flag, if you were aware of the full picture. It's a good thing, then, that you weren't.

OP sounds vulnerable (as we all are when very young, OP, and you sound like you've been through a lot on top - I am not putting you down) and sadly, men who don't treat people well often do go for vulnerable people. It's hard, when you are really struggling, to behave in logical ways, and sleep deprivation when you have sole care of a small child, plus are expected to perform housekeeping duties on this scale too, will make a measured response to emotional abuse extremely hard.

I think the Freedom Programme is really valuable for anyone who is questioning if it's them, or their partner. I would have a look at it, OP. It may or may not seem familiar to you and your own life, but many people find it really helpful.

@Duchess379

Typical bloke - think he's doing enough by providing the money. He works during the day & comes home, when your 'home time'. When do you get days off? Blokes are thick as shit. Think kids just eat & sleep whilst your sitting on the sofa, reading Woman's Own whilst drinking copious amounts of coffee. I bet he gets a lunch break/ciggie break/drunk hot drink. And I bet you don't!

Blokes aren't thick as shit, arsehole blokes are arsehole blokes. It's because they're arseholes, they shouldn't get a free pass or excuse for it just because they have a penis. We shouldn't infantilise them with the whole 'men are just like that' / 'boys will be boys' narrative - it lets the arsehole ones get away with it!