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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to call partner shit dad for not doing the careing side of parenting because he works?

250 replies

Sophie1029734 · 19/08/2021 18:00

So me and my partner are haveing a disagreement and we are comeing here for opinions. I think hes wrong and he thinks I am.
Our little girl is 18m.

AIBU for calling partner shit dad for not doing any of the careing side such as nappy changes, baths, changing clothes, feeds.. everything.
He thinks he isnt in the wrong for not doing those things because he works 5 days a week from 6.50am and comes back at 5.20pm.I'm a stay at home and dont contribute to food, house and Bill's. I do all the cleaning, near enough homemade meals all the time, baby has seperate meals, I literally do everything in the home and for LO.
I dont think this is an excuse for never doing any part of the careing side for her and never helping out with the house jobs, even through covid leave and parent leave. But he doesnt think its fair that I've called him a shit dad for providing.

OP posts:
user16395699 · 19/08/2021 18:40

@Sophie1029734

Partner wants me to add in that he spends quality play time before bed and a bit before his shower. He thinks all the negativity is because I forgot to add it
That makes him sound worse. He can only be arsed to do the fun stuff not the parenting, and even then only occasionally.
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 19/08/2021 18:40

@LimeRedBanana

And before the feckless DP comes on to accuse us of being man-haters - can I counter that by saying many of us are comparing you against our own men, who put him to complete shame.

Definitely not man-haters.

Sub-standard, feckless-toilet-pissing-haters? Yes - absolutely.

Indeed. When ours were little my husband did just as much as I did when he was home. It's what you do when you have kids. You work as a team.
Notimeforaname · 19/08/2021 18:42

I genuinely feel sorry for you op.

You think that's good enough? Will you just accept that life?
Can't even clean up his own piss so probably couldn't trust him with caring properly for his baby. It's sad.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 19/08/2021 18:44

Oh god I just saw the link.

Gross. Why the fuck would he think it's ok for him to leave his piss for you to clean up.

He's truly hot stuff. I bet you struggle to keep your hands off him what with all the lust you must feel for a man who leaves puddles of his piss around and thinks changing a nappy is beneath him 🙄

LimeRedBanana · 19/08/2021 18:44

I am so grateful that my DD sees with her own eyes what a good father looks and behaves like.

God knows who she might end up with 😬😑 but at least she has an innate understanding of what the standard is.

thenewduchessofhastings · 19/08/2021 18:46

He moved straight out of his mummy's house and in with you didn't he?

I bet before your baby arrived and you were also working he did sod all housework,laundry etc as well.

People who suggest OP gets a job;it won't resolve anything as OP will still end up doing everything she does now as well as arranging and paying for childcare

toocold54 · 19/08/2021 18:47

Oh god, he’s not the piss guy is he.

Oh god! This relationship is a car crash!
OP why are you even together I don’t get it?!

Calling someone a shit dad is very extreme. He’s obviously not the greatest dad seeing as he doesn’t do any of the hard work but at least he provides.

But I think you are both just trying to find ways to get one over on each other and it doesn’t sound the healthiest environment for a child.

honeylulu · 19/08/2021 18:47

If you split he'd still have to provide for you in the form of maintenance plus cook his own dinner and clean his own piss off the floor. And every other weekend he'd be sole parenting the children - nappies, dinners, bedtimes, playtime the lot. Meanwhile you'd get some "time off" and no pissy floor to mop. Have you pointed that out?

IridescentPurple · 19/08/2021 18:47

I'm really surprised at the number of dads who help with bath time and bedtime etc. I was a sahm because my husband earned enough to make it possible. However, due to a long commute he was gone before they got up, and they were asleep in bed when he got home. He didn't do night feeds because his commute was driving. We were both knackered at the weekend so muddled through 50/50 more or less. Him getting home by 5.30 would have made a world of difference. I could have had a pee in peace.

LannieDuck · 19/08/2021 18:49

He's not working during the evenings and weekends, so I presume he splits all childcare and housework during those times... no?

They're also your evenings and weekends... so you get to stop work then as well.

Chikapu · 19/08/2021 18:50

@Sophie1029734

Partner wants me to add in that he spends quality play time before bed and a bit before his shower. He thinks all the negativity is because I forgot to add it
Tell him his Blue Peter badge is in the post. What does he do when he gets home from work?
ElleGee1 · 19/08/2021 18:50

He’s not doing enough. Or even his fair share. Oh and to the husband if your reading this, how you treat your partner. I.e your expectations and attitude, is teaching your daughter that’s ok. If you wouldn’t want your daughter treated a certain way don’t treat her mother that way

LannieDuck · 19/08/2021 18:50

@Sophie1029734

Partner wants me to add in that he spends quality play time before bed and a bit before his shower. He thinks all the negativity is because I forgot to add it
That's pretty much the definition of a Disney Dad :(
OnceTheyDid · 19/08/2021 18:51

He is a shit dad.

He should be doing half of all the caring and domestic responsibilities from 5.20pm and all weekend.

RosiePosieDozy · 19/08/2021 18:52

It's really wrong. Whenever he's at home, you should be splitting the care of your daughter and the household jobs. That's called a partnership and being a parent. He should want to bathe, feed, change your daughter etc. It's all bonding.

It's awful that you accept this. What do you think single parents do? A lot of people work 7-5, pick their children up and take them home and feed them, play with them, bath them. It's what you do as a parent.

OnceTheyDid · 19/08/2021 18:53

Just to add - my working DP also did night feeds.

He also didn't piss on the floor.

cansu · 19/08/2021 18:55

He should be doing some of the day to day caring when he gets home. Many parents work and still do caring when they get home! He should also most definitely be involved fully over the weekend.

The other aspect is the quality of his relationship with his daughter. If he isn't able or willing to take care of her needs, she is less likely to rely on him. I think many fathers are shocked and surprised that their kids turn more towards their mums in times of sickness or trauma and this is very largely because they haven't done their fair share of parenting. He should want to do more when he gets home because he is missing out on this. Being a parent is not just about playing.

mynameisbrian · 19/08/2021 18:56

So your DP is reading the comments on here. What was his response to your other thread about him pissing all over the toilet seat and floor and leaving it their for you to clean up-

StarsandStones · 19/08/2021 18:56

What does he do in the evenings and weekends? Or is all the housework, mental load and childcare your responsability? Does he do any night wakings?

It is also in his best interest to step up now. Otherwise they will never truly bond. And what to do when you become ill and maybe have to stay in hospital for a few nights? Stepping up now will make a situation like that more manageable. It will be terrible if he has never done bathtime and bedtime or any cooking for that matter. Does he know how the washing machine works?

mynameisbrian · 19/08/2021 18:56

oh and tell him you can create a star chart for him if he really feels he needs rewarding or thanking for doing a bit of parenting....

rowanoak · 19/08/2021 18:57

I think he's the one being unreasonable.

pinkcircustop · 19/08/2021 18:58

He provides financially for her but that’s it. He isn’t parenting her.

He should want to care for his daughter by doing nappy changes etc. It’s called bonding Confused

EKGEMS · 19/08/2021 18:58

My husband works full time also but the past 21-years we've split caring for our son-he was a premature special needs medically fragile baby-we had round the clock medical care that had to be done so we would alternate treatments,etcetera. In fact he would spend nights in the hospital when he was ill and get up and go to work so I could sleep and do day shift with our son. I worked weekends and second shift frequently as an RN to accommodate my husband's 9-5 job. I now work full time weekends snd one weekday and hubby has our son full time and the pets. He's never shirked his parenting duties. I wonder what a shocking reality check these lazy parents (either moms or Dads) would get if their kid was special needs since parenting a neurotypical child is hard enough!

yellowspot · 19/08/2021 18:59

My DP leaves at 6.30 and comes home at 5.30. He does nearly every bath time because that's their special time together. We take turns with bedtime and he wakes in the night of DS needs a drink or is unsettled. At weekend of DS sons nappy needs changing we again will both pull our weight and do it.

Abit of okay time before his shower and nothing more is ridiculous and he's being massively unreasonable saying otherwise. Also yes he needs to learn to either stop pissing on the toilet seat or clean up after himself.

Original poster
Sophie1029734 · 19/08/2021 19:00

I'm reading the comments to him and hes not impressed he thought everyone would be on his side and think imbu for expecting him to do that stuff like nappy changes etc he said there no point doing that stuff because I'm there and it's my job, his job is work.
I do get to run away for 5 - 15 mins whilst he sits with her on weekends or when LO is occupied (she is so clingy right now)

He still thinks hes in the right because he plays with her and goes to work. He just said that if he stopped working wed have nothing. I'm reading all the comments to him try to try get him to relise the issue.

OP posts:
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