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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to call partner shit dad for not doing the careing side of parenting because he works?

250 replies

Sophie1029734 · 19/08/2021 18:00

So me and my partner are haveing a disagreement and we are comeing here for opinions. I think hes wrong and he thinks I am.
Our little girl is 18m.

AIBU for calling partner shit dad for not doing any of the careing side such as nappy changes, baths, changing clothes, feeds.. everything.
He thinks he isnt in the wrong for not doing those things because he works 5 days a week from 6.50am and comes back at 5.20pm.I'm a stay at home and dont contribute to food, house and Bill's. I do all the cleaning, near enough homemade meals all the time, baby has seperate meals, I literally do everything in the home and for LO.
I dont think this is an excuse for never doing any part of the careing side for her and never helping out with the house jobs, even through covid leave and parent leave. But he doesnt think its fair that I've called him a shit dad for providing.

OP posts:
Insertfunnyname · 19/08/2021 19:01

He works at work during the day, you work at home during the day
So evenings, nights and weekends should be split equally

He can’t clock off at 5:30pm!!?

twinningatlife · 19/08/2021 19:01

No I dont think he's a shit dad - he's working to enable you to be home with your child. Yes he could do more but calling him "shit" is really hurtful

pinkcircustop · 19/08/2021 19:02

Ask him why he doesn’t want to care for her and bond with her?

My DH loves the time spent doing nappy changes and baths etc. because it’s their bonding time.

yellowspot · 19/08/2021 19:02

@Sophie1029734

I'm reading the comments to him and hes not impressed he thought everyone would be on his side and think imbu for expecting him to do that stuff like nappy changes etc he said there no point doing that stuff because I'm there and it's my job, his job is work. I do get to run away for 5 - 15 mins whilst he sits with her on weekends or when LO is occupied (she is so clingy right now)

He still thinks hes in the right because he plays with her and goes to work. He just said that if he stopped working wed have nothing. I'm reading all the comments to him try to try get him to relise the issue.

So he's not even doing things at weekends other than 15 minutes play time? He sounds like a right peach
JassyRadlett · 19/08/2021 19:04

He just said that if he stopped working wed have nothing.

And if you stopped doing the work you do in the hours he’s at work he’d have massive childcare bill and no food cooked for him.

How would he respond if you said you were going back to work, so you’ll need to split childcare costs and the parenting and housework outside of work hours?

bigbaggyeyes · 19/08/2021 19:05

If 'you' stopped what does he think will happen?

I guess he'd have to give up work and you'd both 'have nothing'

Just because your 'job' doesn't bring in any money doesn't make it worthless.

MorningNinja · 19/08/2021 19:06

The day I had to call my DP a 'shit dad' would be the day I called time on the relationship.

Clearly you're not happy OP. Plan your exit or put up with it. Both of you reading opinions of strangers on the internet as to the state of your relationship just seems like a waste of both your time.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/08/2021 19:07

@pinkcircustop

Ask him why he doesn’t want to care for her and bond with her?

My DH loves the time spent doing nappy changes and baths etc. because it’s their bonding time.

This. He's a shit dad because he doesn't ever want to do the normal stuff. Ever?

As someone else said, how many hours does he get off his job vs yours, if he says your job is parenting?

His job is presumably say 10 hours a day but yours is 24 hours a day?

He sounds like a fucking idiot.

Elkey · 19/08/2021 19:07

If you got a job, would he be happy to do 50% of all caring, cooking and housework? He'd have no excuse then. I agree with PP, it's about equal leisure time. If he's reading this, this isn't the 1950s!

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 19/08/2021 19:08

Yeah. I'm not surprised he utterly dismisses the opinions of all the women who've posted on here.
He's a man who literally thinks women should clean up his piss. He's hardly going to pay any attention to our opinions. 🤷‍♀️

Get a full time job as soon as you're able. This man has no respect for your contribution to the family. If you are both working full time he has no excuse to do fuck all while you take care of the child all evenings and weekends.

RightYesButNo · 19/08/2021 19:08

So that’s it. He actually thought we’d agree with him. And this won’t help. You think reading him the opinions of a bunch of random women when he doesn’t even respect the one he claims to love is going to make a difference? He has DEEPLY engrained gender roles, even expecting you to mop up his piss and say nothing about it, that feel very 1950s to most of us and ARE very mentally unhealthy but are still followed by a lot of people. You won’t change it without: counselling (I bet he says no), temporary separation (will he care?), or just ending the relationship (and if you’ve gotten to the point of name-calling in desperation, maybe it’s time).

Hankunamatata · 19/08/2021 19:08

Weekends?

bigbaggyeyes · 19/08/2021 19:08

This is also the bloke that pisses all over the toilet seat and floor and expects you to clear it up for him... the man has no respect for you or your child, he's also a lazy selfish arse to boot. You can do so much better than him

GemmaRuby · 19/08/2021 19:09

But how come he gets time away from his job and you don’t?

If he was a stay and home dad and you went to work, would he be happy for you to do nothing else except a few minutes playtime?

If he says he’d be fine with that, challenge him to a little practice run… he has a whole weekend of doing everything you do. It’s easy so it won’t be a problem for him!

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 19/08/2021 19:10

@RightYesButNo

So that’s it. He actually thought we’d agree with him. And this won’t help. You think reading him the opinions of a bunch of random women when he doesn’t even respect the one he claims to love is going to make a difference? He has DEEPLY engrained gender roles, even expecting you to mop up his piss and say nothing about it, that feel very 1950s to most of us and ARE very mentally unhealthy but are still followed by a lot of people. You won’t change it without: counselling (I bet he says no), temporary separation (will he care?), or just ending the relationship (and if you’ve gotten to the point of name-calling in desperation, maybe it’s time).
Quite. Of course he expected us to agree. He's a Man. With his Manly Man Ways and his Rightness. We're wrong and only disagree because we don't understand. If he explained it to us, we'd see the light.
TeeBee · 19/08/2021 19:10

Crap dad and crap partner. Have you considered getting rid of him?

Muchmorethan · 19/08/2021 19:10

@nimbuscloud

I read your post yesterday about how he pisses all over the toilet and floor and leaves you to clean it up. Now this further insight into your relationship. Does he care about you do you think?
Utterly gross. Disgusting pig
R2G · 19/08/2021 19:10

When I was a single mum I worked 50 hour weeks, had a childminder, and all mornings, evenings, weekends was me. Perhaps he could pay you a 40 hour a week childminder wage. And he could mind kid at the weekend, in the morning, evening, bath and bed, do the cooking cleaning, shopping, household admin, attend all school functions, doctors appointments, hairvuts, dentist etc etc and then maybe he might be grateful for everything you actually do? I assume during his quality play time, you are doing quality housework, tea and then bath and bed! Big wow daddy?! It's not the 1950s

HappySonHappyMum · 19/08/2021 19:11

So if you split up and he has to care for your daughter for a full 48 hours every other weekend ON HIS OWN - and he still has to work 40 hours a week and look after his own house, cook his own meals and wash his own clothes - that would be really unreasonable wouldn't it! No sorry - that wouldn't happen would it - he'd palm her off to his Mum or Dad or just not turn up and have any contact at all while moaning to fuck that he's got to pay maintenance…

Themostwonderfultimeoftheyear · 19/08/2021 19:13

I am a SAHM and my DH works similar hours. DH wants to spend time with and care for DS when he isn't working. It helps to build their bond, plus it is an essential part of being a parent and DH is a parent.

DS is 5.5 now so no nappies etc but when he was little we split nappies etc 50/50 when DH wasn't in work.

Pebbledashery · 19/08/2021 19:13

Shit dad seems a little harsh.. Your time off at weekends should be split and he should help out but he's not a shit dad because he works and provides. Is you being a SAHM a joint choice?

Pebbledashery · 19/08/2021 19:14

If this is the piss everywhere guy then I stand corrected. What are you getting out of this relationship?

romdowa · 19/08/2021 19:16

He sounds like an absolute shit dad and he should be ashamed of his life of himself. He plays with the baby for a bit in the evening and thinks he is great? He needs to think again 🙄😒 he is deluded

youvegottenminuteslynn · 19/08/2021 19:16

I read your post yesterday about how he pisses all over the toilet and floor and leaves you to clean it up.

Oh my god. He's a cunt.

He thinks so little of you he's not even embarrassed to say yes I think you should clean up my piss and not moan about it.

He holds you in contempt. No surprise he's a shit dad as he's such a shit partner and a RAGING misogynist.

Hilarious he thought people would agree with him. Thick as well as an arsehole.

Ionlydomassiveones · 19/08/2021 19:17

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.