AIBU to call partner shit dad for not doing the careing side of parenting because he works?

[Sophie1029734]

So me and my partner are haveing a disagreement and we are comeing here for opinions. I think hes wrong and he thinks I am.
Our little girl is 18m.

AIBU for calling partner shit dad for not doing any of the careing side such as nappy changes, baths, changing clothes, feeds.. everything.
He thinks he isnt in the wrong for not doing those things because he works 5 days a week from 6.50am and comes back at 5.20pm.I'm a stay at home and dont contribute to food, house and Bill's. I do all the cleaning, near enough homemade meals all the time, baby has seperate meals, I literally do everything in the home and for LO.
I dont think this is an excuse for never doing any part of the careing side for her and never helping out with the house jobs, even through covid leave and parent leave. But he doesnt think its fair that I've called him a shit dad for providing.

What explanation does he give for expecting you to wipe up his piss?

@Firsttimeasdmom

Im not the biggest feminist you will ever meet. I know feminists will say you are right. I wont. It seems hes maybe not that type of dad. Some dads just dont do that sort of stuff. That doesnt mean theyre bad dads. They usually arnt the type to want lots of kids either. Him providing and loving on both of you is what makes him great and I think you should treasure that. Otherwise you should go and work and share in the bills...that would force him to share in the childcare.

Treasure a man who pisses on the floor and expects her to clean it up?

Bleurgh.

@Firsttimeasdmom

I didnt read where he thinks she should clean his piss? Where is that part.

Does he make a mess on purpose and expect her to clean it or is it just in general he expects her to clear up the house including bathroom since hes at work?

I mean... whether you've pissed on the floor on purpose or accidentally, would you expect another adult to clean it up for you?

@Firsttimeasdmom

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4324951-Sick-of-partner-peeing-everywhere-and-not-wiping-ot-up-AIBU-to-shame-him-and-tell-his-mum

If you want to ‘treasure’ a man like that, go right ahead.

Do not urge women with actual standards to do the same.

From OP's other thread when she says she has had to wipe up his piss hundreds of times and begged him to clean up after himself:

I've told him so many times, told him how its unfair on me and soon to be on our little girl. That he isnt a child, I'm not his personal maid, I'm not a slave. Everything. He doesnt care and wont change. On rare occasions he will wipe the toilet down for a day or 2 after but go back to doing it.

He's not a man to be treasured.

He's a vile misogynist who thinks women are so far beneath him they should clean up his piss rather than him doing it himself.

I would also argue that if an adult without a health reason is unable to keep their piss off the seat / floor on this regular a basis, they're doing it to make a point and to demean the person they think should clean it up.

He knows exactly what he's doing.

@Sophie1029734

Partner wants me to add in that he spends quality play time before bed and a bit before his shower. He thinks all the negativity is because I forgot to add it

Quality play time? So the fun stuff then? He works set hours and you do 24/7? He needs to pull his finger out and help with his child and chores! Not sure I'd say he's a shit dad as such but he's certainly lazy!

And he needs to stop pissing everywhere or sit the fuck down. Gross. 🤮

Tbh he does sound like a shit dad so YANBU

You cant all be seroous?

Im asking to see where she wrote that. I didnt see. Are you telling me you've never cleaned up your bathrooms and when you do...you sit and investigate whos pee it is? And get them to clean it? My husband has seen my period stains and has cleaned them if im unwell. That didnt make him my slave! What is wrong with you

@Firsttimeasdmom

Im not the biggest feminist you will ever meet. I know feminists will say you are right. I wont. It seems hes maybe not that type of dad. Some dads just dont do that sort of stuff. That doesnt mean theyre bad dads. They usually arnt the type to want lots of kids either. Him providing and loving on both of you is what makes him great and I think you should treasure that. Otherwise you should go and work and share in the bills...that would force him to share in the childcare.

Are you joking? How low are you standards?!

What do you mean “not that type of dad”? All dads should parent their children, it shouldn’t be optional because they’re lazy selfish fuckers

He obviously doesn’t love OP because he doesn’t respect her and he doesn’t care for her and their child.

Don't have another baby with him OP you may as well be a single mum.

So it’s not a joint choice then. He’s clearly resentful of being the sole wage earner. Of course he should do some parenting but honestly it sounds like you being a SAHM is less about health issues and more about just not wanting to work. It might well break your heart to leave her but the vast majority of parents manage. You can’t decide not work if your partner isn’t on board.

Of course if you work as well and he still doesn’t pull his weight at home, that’s when you leave him.

@Firsttimeasdmom

You cant all be seroous?

Im asking to see where she wrote that. I didnt see. Are you telling me you've never cleaned up your bathrooms and when you do...you sit and investigate whos pee it is? And get them to clean it? My husband has seen my period stains and has cleaned them if im unwell. That didnt make him my slave! What is wrong with you

Read the other thread someone linked for you - this isn't in any way similar to the normal and nice mutual respect you're describing. Read it and you'll understand.

Atleast then you will get weekends off when he has baby. Says alot when single mum life is better than 2 parent life. 2 parent life should be easier.

To add....the wee thing would have me running for the hills in any case. He sounds repulsive.

Cleaning a toilet that has been used is completely different from cleaning a toilet that’s been pissed all over.

So you spray all over your loo daily, and leave it for your husband to sit on, do you?

What’s wrong with you?

What a twat.

I’m also a SAHM currently, who is also not currently providing anything financially. We have DD 12m and DH works 9-6pm Monday to Friday, although currently WFH (we have a spare room being used as his office). I do a lot more in the home and all the cooking (before I was a SAHM we split the cooking but I do it now before he’s finished work). However, DH changes DD morning nappy and regularly when he finishes work, gives her a bath at least 70% of the time, plays with her daily, takes 5-10min breaks regularly during the day so he can hold her / entertain her whilst I wee in peace or shower. He also cleans the bathroom every other week (alternating), does all the bins, waters the grass and plants every evening if it’s not raining and washes up every night after dinner whilst I put DD to bed. If he pissed on the floor and expected me to clean it I honestly don’t think I would even contemplate staying with him. Disgusting. Your “D”P treats you like a slave, wants rewards for playing for 5mins with his own child and can’t even clean his own piss which clearly shows zero respect for you. Get rid.

@Firsttimeasdmom

You cant all be seroous?

Im asking to see where she wrote that. I didnt see. Are you telling me you've never cleaned up your bathrooms and when you do...you sit and investigate whos pee it is? And get them to clean it? My husband has seen my period stains and has cleaned them if im unwell. That didnt make him my slave! What is wrong with you

This sounds like a joke question and I wish it was 😑. He gets up for work and leaves. When I'm half asleep and sit on the toilet I sit and get sticky dried pee on my leg and ass. It drives me insane. I forget to check when I'm half asleep because Im a bit dazed. If he goes before bed and I wake to go the toilet, I get pee on me again. It's disgusting!!!!

I thought he was over it after I complained 100 times about it. I'm sick of it. I'm constantly cleaning the toilet after him, disinfecting, mopping the floor. Our little girl Is 18m, I dont want her sitting in his pee when she does potty training.

I'm so angry about it, I dont understand the logic in not wiping after yourself. Did his mum/dad not teach him to wipe after himself or is this an individual problem?

Here you go.

@chocaholic73

When I see that young fathers have such archaic attitudes, I am shocked. My DC were born in the early nineties and I was a stay at home Mum. My DH always took the view that we were a team. He went out to earn the money and I looked after the DC but the rest of the time, we shared everything up. He changed nappies, did bath time. In the morning, had them downstairs with him while he was having breakfast so I could get a few minutes to myself. Having small children around 24/7 is exhausting. Your DH only works for 8 or so hours on 5 days a week. How many hours a week do you work looking after kids and home OP. He should get his act together and pull his weight.

Yep, I was born in 1990 and my dad would get up at 6am every morning to give me a bottle, change my nappy and put me back down so my mum could sleep a bit longer. He turned down a well-paying job because it would take him away four days a week and he would miss out on time with me.

My mum and dad both worked but dad got home earlier so did all of the cooking and dishes, he did his share of the cleaning, ironing, he fixed the car, cut the grass and did DIY. He didn't stop for a second and he never complained.

Apparently my granny was mortified to find him ironing clothes back in 1985 and begged him to put the iron away before my grandad saw him I'm very glad he shrugged her off because he was and is a wonderful hands-on dad.

No he is a shot dad, ok he might pay the bills, but he doesn't look after or care for his partner or his child.

Its like he lives in a hotel, he gets up goes to work, comes home, disney dad's his dd, then goes to bed.

Jesus - that's not a good dad, op would be better off alone, with only 1 child to look after, not Mr lazy fucker

Oh nappies and things are your "job" are they?
Great. Perhaps he can explain why he thinks it's fair that you don't get to clock off from your "job" - EVER?
Does he thinks it not that hard a job, looking after the baby and house and every other bastard thing?
Either it's not that hard and it's therefore not a big deal for him to do his share and allow you both to have equal time to relax...
OR
It is hard and he's being an utter cunt leaving it all for you to do round the clock.
Which is it?
And no, playing before bed does not count as parenting, although I'm thrilled he's not entirely in denial about his child's existence and needs.
Something to build on perhaps, Uncle Dad.

@Sophie1029734

Partner wants me to add in that he spends quality play time before bed and a bit before his shower. He thinks all the negativity is because I forgot to add it

Disney dad.

But as he doesn't respect you anyway this whole point is moot

If he wants a relationship with his daughter both now and in the future he needs to be more hands on. It is not ‘work’ (although it is of course!), but caring for your little one gives a solid foundation for love to grow. My son has a fantastic relationship with his little girl aged two and a half because he has always looked after her as much as her mum. Brushing her hair, bathing her, dressing (blowing on her tummy!), playing with her, putting plasters on a sore finger has given them both a bond which will be there forever. Children grow up so fast and maybe one day your DH will look at his daughter and wonder where the years went.

@Firsttimeasdmom

Im not the biggest feminist you will ever meet. I know feminists will say you are right. I wont. It seems hes maybe not that type of dad. Some dads just dont do that sort of stuff. That doesnt mean theyre bad dads. They usually arnt the type to want lots of kids either. Him providing and loving on both of you is what makes him great and I think you should treasure that. Otherwise you should go and work and share in the bills...that would force him to share in the childcare.

Fuck me, you’ve got awfully low standards

I work 12hr shifts, very demanding.

At any given opportunity I'm helping out during the night, changing nappies, bathing, cleaning, doing a fuck load.

Being the one that works in no way means you can do nothing with regards to parenting.

Why would he not want to do these things?

@Sophie1029734

I'm reading the comments to him and hes not impressed he thought everyone would be on his side and think imbu for expecting him to do that stuff like nappy changes etc he said there no point doing that stuff because I'm there and it's my job, his job is work. I do get to run away for 5 - 15 mins whilst he sits with her on weekends or when LO is occupied (she is so clingy right now)

He still thinks hes in the right because he plays with her and goes to work. He just said that if he stopped working wed have nothing. I'm reading all the comments to him try to try get him to relise the issue.

Well there you go. He's an old-fashioned sexist.