‘How many drinks for you to sleep with her?’

[Kidsdontknowwhatswrongwithmum]

God, I feel shit.
Went to the supermarket with toddler dd yesterday afternoon. For context I live in another country, speak the language but not 100% fluently, but more than enough to get by.
The supermarket I went to was full of holiday makers, mainly British.
I went to the meat counter and the guy looked up and as I was going to order in the language of the country, he asked me what I’d like in English, sometimes I answer in the hone country’s language, this time I quickly replied in English.
I then heard him asking his colleague stood with him behind the counter, how many drinks it would take to sleep with me, he asked him ‘Lots?’ and he started laughing, his friend sort of shrugged it off. It was almost like a joke to the holiday makers I’m sure…see what you can say that they obviously won’t understand, but I understand. I just sort of stood there in shock.
I’m 2-3 stone overweight and hate the way I look currently, I was once a gym bunny size 10 and had men always checking me out. I’m older now, so I don’t expect that, but equally, what he said has made me feel so very low and disgusted with myself. I cried in the car on the way home.
I keep wondering if I had it wrong due to the language and he was talking about something else, but I really don’t think I did.

Some people are just shits, he obviously thought he was being clever in front of his work colleague who it seems wasn't impressed in the slightest

There's some real shits on this thread too who don't seem to have a problem trying to upset the op a bit more than she already is

@hesadevilishlyhandsomedog having internalized misogyny is NOT the same as being a misogynist! @Bluntness100 is correct.

“Internalized misogyny does not refer outright to a belief in the inferiority of women. It refers to the byproducts of this societal view that cause women to shame, doubt, and undervalue themselves and others of their gender.” Suzannah Weiss, “7 Sneaky Ways Internalized Misogyny Manifests in Our Everyday Lives”

info.umkc.edu/womenc/2018/11/16/internalized-misogyny-what-does-it-look-like-how-do-you-stop-it/

misogyny noun
mi·sog·y·ny | \ mə-ˈsä-jə-nē

Definition of misogyny
: hatred of, aversion to, or prejudice against women

www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/misogyny

Please get your facts straight before you tell someone that they are wrong.

As for everyone who has laid the boot in, kicked someone when they are down:
• You are not right.
• You are not justified.
• You do not have high self esteem. (People with high self esteem do not need to knock people down or take advantage of someone who is feeling vulnerable in order to feel superior or good about themselves).
• You (as a pp said) are not creating or valuing polyphony. That pp doesn’t fully understand what that word really means. Look it up in Oxford Reference not Wikipedia if you want to understand polyphony and how it pertains to literature rather then it’s more commonly known usage as a musical technique.
• You are not creating a richly diverse conversation with differing points of views. You are simply laying the boot in and finding ways to justify yourselves.

Seriously, some people on this thread seem more interested in presenting themselves as superior or better people than the Op and dressing it up as concern.

You lack empathy. You have twisted her words and used them against her. That bullying behaviour is just as vile as that egotistical, misogynist behind the counter.

To those who have posted empathetic and helpful responses:
• You have contributed in a meaningful way.
• You have probably helped the Op and others who have had similar experiences.
• You have shown understanding and empathy.
• You have created a richly diverse conversation with differing points of views and personal experiences.
• Thank you

@Kidsdontknowwhatswrongwithmum your candour is admirable and I think there will be many who feel the same way as you, and it will be a relief to some, that they are not the only one. Thanks for your honesty

@SamiReed1 beautifully written.

@SamiReed1

Good post.

It is just awful the way people open a thread because they are upset, to get the third blood degree on here🙄.

OP, if I were you, I would reiterate to the manager that the other man neither smiled nor engaged.

He had zero control over the situation.

Perhaps he could and should have shut him down, but he didn't actually participate.
I wouldn't want him fired in this instance.

But the other fellow was very rude and if jobs are so hard to come by, perhaps he should have valued his more.

You were 100% right to complain.
You were upset.

What if it was a vulnerable young girl who might hugely internalise such rudeness?

How the company deal with it, isn't actually your responsibility or concern.

You rightly were upset and reported it.

It is now out of your hands.

I hope you feel better soon.

I can’t believe I’ve now become a person with looks that men say that about

Agree with pp. Why are you ashamed? I read somewhere once (probably on here) that you dont owe anyone pretty.

If this ever happens again I'd advise to say in their language "can I have the contact details your complaints department" and watch them shitting themselves

I find this thread terribly depressing in the sense that someone has behaved badly to you and you are making it your fault for not being pretty/thin/young enough.

I can’t believe I’ve now become a person with looks that men say that about

The problem in the situation in your OP isnt your looks, or your body shape, or your age, or your weight.

The problem is this man you describe. There's nothing wrong with you. There would appear to be plenty wrong with this lowlife. Arrogance, stupidity, misogyny to name a few.

I find this thread terribly depressing in the sense that someone has behaved badly to you and you are making it your fault for not being pretty/thin/young enough.

I wish I'd read this before I bothered posting 😀.

Men who talk like that about women, talk like that about all women. No matter how thin, fat, pretty, old, young they are.

Honestly, what I'm hearing here is that if he had said something 'complimentary' about your looks and how fuckable you were you wouldn't be as bothered. But because it was negative, as you perceive it, you are angry. But both indicate that he felt able to comment on your physical appearance.

Being slim or fit doesn't make you better than someone who isn't. Neither deserves to be commented on by a stranger in this way.

@SamiReed1, Ok, I'm trying to take on board what you are saying. I am wrong and will educate myself further about this. And most importantly, OP I am really very very sorry indeed if anything I have said has led to you feeling worse or even 'bullied' by me as someone has said. That's quite appalling and genuinely the very last thing I ever intended to do. I know I would have reacted to your experience in exactly the same way as you did even though he was so totally out of order. So sorry OP

The issue here is that yet another odious yob of a Penis Carrier feels entitled to belittle a woman in front of his colleague and possibly other members of the public. Furthermore, he feels confident enough to do it not in a bar or on the street (bad enough) but at work where he's being paid to serve the general public and represent his employer.

I'm very glad you complained OP, you did the right thing. Don't worry for one second about what the consequences for him will be. That's between him and his employer.

I’m so so sorry this happened to you. Well done for reporting it. They are absolute cock nostrils

I would have replied in their language that it would take even more for you to sleep with him.

@AryaStarkWolf, yes, most people do tip. FWIW, I always tip. I didn't on this occasion because she was, imo, rude ( apologies if that's a drip feed. I was rushing to get out). She, like the butcher, and as a pp said, is there to provide a service, not make comments about customers. @SealHouse, I did have fun yes. I always have fun. Just not at the expense of others. Like the butcher here, the waitress made me feel uncomfortable. They do rely heavily on tips, that's why I always tip. And there was something nasty there - as I said, I felt it from her. So I'm not going to reward her with my hard earned euros. That doesn't make sense. @Brimorion, I didn't sit through the meal with my gob shut ( my dh would have loved that), nor did I go to any trouble to conceal my ability to speak Spanish. I'm not petty and I'm generous to the extreme with my time and money. Imo you don't just tip for a good meal, you tip for service and overall experience. And I wasn't happy with her comment. I've been a waitress, I've had many customer service roles. It takes a special kind of person to do this job and sadly the butcher and this waitress fell short on this occasion. Are they always like this ? Who knows?
On reflection, if I were ever in this scenario again, I would breathe, count to 10 ( any language) and say something, nothing sarcastic or nasty, but just to.let them know it's not polite to act this way.

@SamiReed1 @Oceanbliss @Bluntness100
Thank you 🙏

I’ve not heard back of them yet since yesterday early evening 😬🤷🏻‍♀️
I did reiterate to them about the colleague not joining it or co operating with the man, I feel confident he won’t get into any trouble
Would it normally take this long to report back.
I’m guessing he’d deny it all, to admit to it would mean he’d be fired, surely?

@Kidsdontknowwhatswrongwithmum, well, they're probably investigating it properly. They may just give him a warning. Try to forget about it now. I hope you're feeling a bit better than yesterday.

[quote Kidsdontknowwhatswrongwithmum]**@SamiReed1* @Oceanbliss* @Bluntness100
Thank you 🙏

I’ve not heard back of them yet since yesterday early evening 😬🤷🏻‍♀️
I did reiterate to them about the colleague not joining it or co operating with the man, I feel confident he won’t get into any trouble
Would it normally take this long to report back.
I’m guessing he’d deny it all, to admit to it would mean he’d be fired, surely?[/quote]
I would imagine he will deny it or admit to saying it but claim he was speaking about somebody else of their mutual acquaintance. Which unless he actually pointed to you, I suppose he could have been, which is obviously still appalling, but would probably be seen as less awful that insulting a customer. What will happen will depend on whether he is seen as a valued employee or not. If he's useful and well liked, they will take his word. If he's a bit of a problem generally they'llbe more likely to take yours and get rid of him. Unfortunately unless it becomes a pattern of complaints, very few places take customers word over their own staff. But its important to complain anyway as that's the only way a pattern can be established.

Amdone123
You are at pains to conflate your waitresses behaviour with the appalling behaviour of OP's butcher, but it really doesn't seem like the same thing though does it. You just didn't like her "attitude", which doesn't really make you sound any nicer.

@SealHouse, ok.

That's awful, I am sorry this happened . You have absolutely done the right thing reporting that idiot, he needs to be spoken with as that is out of order. I hope you hear back from the shop. If you don't then definitely follow it up. I think you will hear something.

When someone says something horrible about your appearance (especially when you aren't feeling great about yourself) it can upset you to the core and make you feel so low about yourself . However that imbecile was one person and to be honest, it sounds like he said it more for attention of his colleague than anything else.

When I was younger, I remember a horrible experience I had. I was walking along a street with my friend and 3 young lads from her neighbourhood walked by. One said to me "hi ugly" and the others laughed. I felt numb with shock and it really stung hard. I am not the most confident person and I was inconsolable. However that same year, I started college and was asked out a few times and also had some compliments from people too, so it goes to show that what one nasty idiot says does not define you or your attractiveness.

@Frazzledmummy123, well said.

@Frazzledmummy123 😘

Update here

Update-How many drinks for you to sleep with her http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/amiibeingunreasonable/4333011-Update-How-many-drinks-for-you-to-sleep-with-her