‘How many drinks for you to sleep with her?’

[Kidsdontknowwhatswrongwithmum]

God, I feel shit.
Went to the supermarket with toddler dd yesterday afternoon. For context I live in another country, speak the language but not 100% fluently, but more than enough to get by.
The supermarket I went to was full of holiday makers, mainly British.
I went to the meat counter and the guy looked up and as I was going to order in the language of the country, he asked me what I’d like in English, sometimes I answer in the hone country’s language, this time I quickly replied in English.
I then heard him asking his colleague stood with him behind the counter, how many drinks it would take to sleep with me, he asked him ‘Lots?’ and he started laughing, his friend sort of shrugged it off. It was almost like a joke to the holiday makers I’m sure…see what you can say that they obviously won’t understand, but I understand. I just sort of stood there in shock.
I’m 2-3 stone overweight and hate the way I look currently, I was once a gym bunny size 10 and had men always checking me out. I’m older now, so I don’t expect that, but equally, what he said has made me feel so very low and disgusted with myself. I cried in the car on the way home.
I keep wondering if I had it wrong due to the language and he was talking about something else, but I really don’t think I did.

While it's a vile thing to do, especially to a customer, I can't understand why you need total strangers to find you attractive or base any of your self worth on it. This man is disgusting, how cares if he thinks you are unattractive? If the other guy had said 'none,she is hot' would that have made you feel good?

It doesn't matter what you look like, it is misogynistic of him to assume your value is to do with your sex appeal. He obviously doesn't see women as proper human beings just objects to please his cock. Extremely unprofessional and rude

Why would you not complain?

I was buying rather a lot of wine in a large supermarket and they didn't have what I wanted on the floor.

So the guy on the till asked a colleague to get an extra case of white/red and the CF made some smart comment about "exactly how much wine can she drink"? with an eye roll🙄.

CF.

The smile was on the other side of his face when I said loudly "don't bother", and walked out.

I don't think he thought I had heard!

I requested the manager and told him what had been said, that I certainly wouldn't trouble his off licence with my business again, and that I would email head office with exactly the type of customer service his off licence was offering.

The manager was hugely apologetic and red faced from the annoyance of it.

He insisted on fulfilling my order with an extra 20% off....which was why I was buying so much in the first place!

You should have seen the face of the two when he walked in.

He didn't say anything other than he was looking after the order himself but I like to think he will have handed him his arse on a plate afterwards.😂

I always complain if service isn't great.

In this case sexualised remarks like that should definitely be tackled.

I don’t need strangers to find me attractive, I think many overweight women are massively attractive, I just know I look bad at the moment and I was sort of ok with it for now, I didn’t need this prick to make me feel so low
I’ve sent an email to the head office part stating it was young guy who looks like he’s new there etc and that I had my young daughter with me and I cried.
I feel a mixture of so angry and so sort of humiliated, it was an awful way to feel, so sort of degrading.

So sorry, OP. He’s just an arse. I do agree with letting him know in his own language that you understood.

Similar happened to a friend of mine, in Cyprus, where she lived - she was married to a local and did speak reasonable Greek. Knowing she was a Brit, and having spoken to her in English, two shop assistants then said in Greek something like, ‘Fat cow, just look at her.’

She waited a minute or two, and just before exiting, in her own words, ‘I gave them a mouthful in Greek! You should have seen their faces!’

I would phone up the store now and tell the manager that you're not happy. Make them aware so they don't do it again to anyone.

@Cocopogo
exactly this

OP you are buying into this unacceptable behaviour by blaming yourself

i too was “attractive” when i was younger and hated the leery attention i got. i’m 2 stone heavier and less conventionally attractive now. if that happened to me i would be lodging a complaint or letting this piece of crap know he’s not permitted to degrade me in thisway
regardless of your age or attractiveness you have the right to exist and live without being treated this way. buying into it or blaming yourself is not the answer
pregnancy and childbirth etc affect our bodies we don’t have to explain that to disgusting misogynist men. that man clearly sees a women’s worth in her attractiveness that’s not your problem it’s his
instead of worrying about the fact you “should” be working out work on yourself worth and confidence

It's an awful thing to experience. What they said was humiliating and degrading. It was massively misogynist.

But, I would gently repeat that your weight gain doesn't affect your attractiveness as much as you might feel. I've been all kinds of different sizes in my adult life, from size 10, up to size 20 and occasionally higher. I had the most positive attention from men when I was 2 or 3 stone over a weight that I was happy with. 🤷🏼‍♀️

You really do not need this experience to upset you so much. These thing happen. You are still in one piece and never need to see that person again. Luckily we are all not in Kabul at the moment.

@ChainJane

Honestly don't see anything wrong with your first example about getting a tip, what was wrong with what she said? Most British people do tip

Probably something to do with the assumption that British people are ignorant and none speak a foreign language.

tbf most British tourists in Spain don't speak the language, that doesn't make them ignorant though, they're just there on Holiday

@Kidsdontknowwhatswrongwithmum do you want the butcher to want to have sex with you, does that validate you?

I really feel for you OP.

I was on a night out once and was waiting at the bar, chatting to some folk also waiting, nothing major, all quite friendly. One of them just randomly said to me 'so are the rest of your group absolute dogs as well or is it just you?' cue laughter from his mates.

I was gobsmacked and so humiliated. I phoned my husband to collect me and cried on the way home but I didn't want to tell him what the guy had said in case my DH realised I was actually 'a total dog' . Some people are able to cope with that sort of thing but for others it just goes straight to the heart of their insecurities.

@StoppinBy I second this response. What a horrible man no one deserves this. You must complain so this never happens again to someone else xx 😘

@tara66 Yes I’m aware of that, but there are still lots of other things in life that upset people and doesn’t mean we can’t ever feel things, because there’s much worse that can happen.
I just felt so degraded and ashamed, I was just shocked and just stood there, he finished it all with a fake smile whilst he handed the chicken over, just so nasty.

@Jerima Nice.

It was the way I felt, the humiliation and being joked and laughed about. I’m normally a strong person, but suddenly felt so small and humiliated

Well done for making a complaint/comment @Kidsdontknowwhatswrongwithmum . Blokes think they can get away with these things. It's a form of bullying really. I had derogatory comments from some young boys/men the other day. I didn't say anything but wonder what they will look like at 44.

An extra 2-3 stone isn't even that big compared to a lot of people. I'm sure you'll lose it in time. xx

I really wouldn't hesitate to report this to management. Sorry you had to experience such knobbery. It's entirely on them, not you.

@ThatIsQuiteACrane So sorry that happened to you, it’s really smacks you in the face doesn’t it. I was the same, I was quiet all night and dp asked what was wrong, I didn’t tell him. I almost felt too ashamed that someone had said that to me and it was true.

[quote Kidsdontknowwhatswrongwithmum]@Jerima Nice.

It was the way I felt, the humiliation and being joked and laughed about. I’m normally a strong person, but suddenly felt so small and humiliated[/quote]
Ignore them. Most people know what you mean. I hope you get some satisfaction from the manager, keep us posted

Luckily we are all not in Kabul at the moment

I'm fairly sure the OP knows that the fate of those in Afghanistan is worse than hers without being patronised about it... or is no one across the world allowed to be upset about anything at all, because it's all gone to shit in Kabul?

As for 'these things happen' well yes misogyny, objectification and humiliation of women does happen. Regularly. To say a woman shouldn't be upset about it is to completely undermine her and compound it.

Similar happened to me in a hotel lift many years ago. Two women assumed I was native and were making fun of my clothes and hair -I was looking very scruffy.
They were trying to guess my age as well. Making some really nasty comments so brazenly assuming I couldn't understand.
When I reached my floor I turned and said: "actually, I'm 22"
Their faces drained of colour and the doors shut.

Your butcher was a rude pig. I don't blame you for being upset. Use it as your inspiration to make some changes if you want.
But keep in mind the man who made the comment is total lowlife scum -no diet or exercise regime can fix that

Eugh, I'm sorry you felt shit OP, but it says far more about him than it does about you. What a nasty piece of shit.

A couple of years ago I was out in another country with some Romanian friends who'd been speaking to each other. A British guy obviously assumed we didn't speak English and made some snide comment about us that I overheard. I really wish I'd had the balls to turn around and ask him to repeat himself.

A friend was on the beach once speaking English to her DC and overheard some German tourists behind her making unkind comments about her wearing a bikini. When her DH returned she made a point of speaking to him loudly in their fluent German while giving the tourists a hard Paddington stare.

I agree with PPs that you should make a point of returning and order from him in his language, then walk away with your head high x

I didn't hear the actual comment but heard the boy as he shouted 'just joking luv, you look fine' to me afterwards, so it was something about my appearance. They always try and claim it's a joke or something. Plus the making the 'joking' comment shouted at me afterwards made it obvous he did mean for me to hear his initial comment, but failed.

It is hurtful and there's nothing wrong with you being hurt by this bullying. Anyone would be (or at least most/a lot of us.) No one likes derogatory comments about their appearance.

Some hefty internalised misogyny here! Your worth as a person does NOT depend on your fuckability, ffs.

Ring up or go in, demand the manager and complain about this disgustging behaviours.

@Cocopogo

OP you had my full sympathy until this point

I can’t believe I’ve now become a person with looks that men say that about

So you think women out there deserve to be treated like this if they aren’t good looking?
I think you are viewing this all wrong, talking about gym bunny and size 10 etc. Those men are vile and need calling out of their behaviour and you didn’t do that, you went home and thought about your weight as though any woman overweight deserved to be treated so shit. I’m appalled at those men but I’m also disappointed that women shoot each other down over their weight and do nothing to make a stand and call out this horrid misogynist behaviour.

This. I'm a person who's looks have never received admiring comments from the opposite sex. Never really bothered me. However your comment has. Like you think it's ok for men to say things if a woman isn't attractive enough. Some men are dicks, it's never about how 'attractive' someone is.