‘How many drinks for you to sleep with her?’

[Kidsdontknowwhatswrongwithmum]

God, I feel shit.
Went to the supermarket with toddler dd yesterday afternoon. For context I live in another country, speak the language but not 100% fluently, but more than enough to get by.
The supermarket I went to was full of holiday makers, mainly British.
I went to the meat counter and the guy looked up and as I was going to order in the language of the country, he asked me what I’d like in English, sometimes I answer in the hone country’s language, this time I quickly replied in English.
I then heard him asking his colleague stood with him behind the counter, how many drinks it would take to sleep with me, he asked him ‘Lots?’ and he started laughing, his friend sort of shrugged it off. It was almost like a joke to the holiday makers I’m sure…see what you can say that they obviously won’t understand, but I understand. I just sort of stood there in shock.
I’m 2-3 stone overweight and hate the way I look currently, I was once a gym bunny size 10 and had men always checking me out. I’m older now, so I don’t expect that, but equally, what he said has made me feel so very low and disgusted with myself. I cried in the car on the way home.
I keep wondering if I had it wrong due to the language and he was talking about something else, but I really don’t think I did.

Why do these threads always end up in a slanging match? 🙄

@Jerima

You may think my question was disgusting but it only comes from what the OP had written. These men are disgusting saying something like that without a doubt but OP is saying it because of how she looks and gym bunnies and over weight and all this

What would she have said if they had said "I'd shag her to death without any drinks, she's hot!"

Would it have been ok with her then? Maybe in the past when she's been looking how she felt was he best, she thought behaviour and comments like this were acceptable and validating

The question I posted, which was basically do you want the butcher to want to have sex with you so you feel validated may offend but it's a question OP needs to ask herself.

This is just horrible. Clearly she doesn’t wish the butcher to habe sex with her, either you’re being intentional horrible to her or you simply can’t understand why anyone wouldn’t wish to walk into a store and hear men talk about how drunk they’d have to be to have sex with you. How offensive and upsetting that is.

The opposite of that is not she wishes to habe sex with the butcher, it’s being treated with respect, and no comments on her fuckablity.

@Bluntness100 I agree with you but OP did bring it back to her fuckability and her upset and objections were tied up in that as she then went on to bash herself for her weight and looking Terrible etc.

I am not saying she wanted to shag the butcher I am questioning, or rather asking her to question the fact that the comments and the fact that they were disrespectful came second to her feeling a failure for these man not wanting to have sex with her.

As someone else said, as women and young girls we are told by society that we are to make ourselves attractive/sex objects to men and are worthless if we don't walk the tightrope of what that means this week. My concern for OP is that this is where her hurt and anger came from and not the fact that the butcher was disgusting and wrong to be making comments like this in the first place.

Only on Mumsnet would women start attacking a woman who seeks support when she's feeling vulnerable already and a man makes it worse.

That's the point about self esteem, logical or not, when we feel shit we have an easily penetrable skin and what could bounce off others (or us when our self esteem is high) wounds us deeply.

Just focus on those who have posted supportive comments OP.

@SaintVal I think it's because people don't respect polyphony with in a forum they see something they don't agree with or that doesn't match their opinion and instead of debating or expanding on why they don't agree they write "You're a bitch". And other stupid comments. It's ridiculous

@jerima I did not bring it back to my ‘Fuckability’ as you so eloquently put it.
I have zero interest in at what level my fuckability may be. I just want to feel a bit less shit than I do about my appearance at present and I don’t expect some dickhead to be making offensive comments when I’m simply trying to get food for my family’s dinner that night.

[quote Jerima]@Bluntness100 I agree with you but OP did bring it back to her fuckability and her upset and objections were tied up in that as she then went on to bash herself for her weight and looking Terrible etc.

I am not saying she wanted to shag the butcher I am questioning, or rather asking her to question the fact that the comments and the fact that they were disrespectful came second to her feeling a failure for these man not wanting to have sex with her.

As someone else said, as women and young girls we are told by society that we are to make ourselves attractive/sex objects to men and are worthless if we don't walk the tightrope of what that means this week. My concern for OP is that this is where her hurt and anger came from and not the fact that the butcher was disgusting and wrong to be making comments like this in the first place.[/quote]
I get what you’re saying totally this time, and yes she did. But I get that. And I don’t think worse of her for it. But I also get whay she’s staying, there is nothing wrong with wishing to be attractive to th opposite sex. Nothing at all and although she clearly didn’t wish these men to find her attractive nor did she wish to hear them comment the opposite way.

She’s conscious of her weight as she’s out on a signficant amount. Is she right or wrong they’d have not made the comment if she was three stone lighter, who knows.

But she wasn’t saying all over weight women are unattractive nor was she saying she wanted to have sex with the butcher. I think you know that.

It’s hurt her and made her feel insecure due to her weight gain, and she was so ashamed she couldn’t even tell her husband.

So people shouldn’t dig at her or attack her. Her feelings are about her. Not about anyone else. And certainly not because she wished to fuck the butcher.

I'm glad you've complained, OP. And yes, we're all queens of the perfect riposte when we're not in the situation ourselves, so I don't blame you for freezing at the time.

I hope you're feeling better about yourself as a result of having stood up against such disrespectful and misogynistic behaviour. It takes courage.

What I and others were objecting to was that you framed your distress as "I'm now the sort of woman young men make disgusting comments about" rather than "a horrible young man made a disgusting comment about me". The assumption that there are types of women men are vile about, and types they aren't vile about, and that you'd switched categories. That was the internalised misogyny.

In reality horrible men are vile to all types of women, but often in different ways.

@Jerima It wasn’t about me being bothered about being attractive to men, I couldn’t give a flying fuck anymore. It was about me feeling not myself at the moment and not happy in myself because of the way I look and it felt like they were basically saying how hideous I was. I would have been just as upset, if not more so, if I’d heard nasty remarks from women.
It felt like bullying and left me feeling vulnerable and ashamed, the way he found it funny and was just loosely saying it assuming I wouldn’t hear. It also pissed me off from the point of view of him making fun of those tourists visiting for holidays.
Normally I’m able to stand up for myself, I didn’t expect such a nasty situation

@Doomscrolling You're right I think I phrased that wrong, it was hard to convey what I was feeling.

*Wouldn't understand, not hear

@Kidsdontknowwhatswrongwithmum Unfortunately,some people have zero empathy, insight or self awareness. Bullies really hate it when people stand up to them and I hope the butcher is fired. That also applies to some people on this board.

It’s strange as even posting here I feel a bit ashamed, like readers may think ‘Poor her’ but imagining I look a hideous monster. It’s not about men finding me attractive at all, it’s almost a feeling of being ashamed I look as I do at the moment and have let myself go.
Perhaps this prick has done me a favour and it’ll spur me into action, for myself, because I don’t feel good.

[quote Kidsdontknowwhatswrongwithmum]@Doomscrolling You're right I think I phrased that wrong, it was hard to convey what I was feeling.[/quote]
I hope you understand we weren't trying to attack you for their behaviour, just our understanding of how you'd framed it - because that could easily be read as "some women are fair game for insults and I'm hurt to find I'm one of them."

As an aside, this is a wonderful thing about getting older. I'm so deep into my Fuck That Shit years and it's blooming marvellous.

Have a great rest-of-Thursday!

He sounds like a fucking pig OP

I'm sorry he upset you.

@Doomscrolling God, no, I didn’t mean that at all 😞

Of course you didn't mean that. Some people can't help but take the context out of OPs and twist to make a point.

[quote Kidsdontknowwhatswrongwithmum]@Jerima It wasn’t about me being bothered about being attractive to men, I couldn’t give a flying fuck anymore. It was about me feeling not myself at the moment and not happy in myself because of the way I look and it felt like they were basically saying how hideous I was. I would have been just as upset, if not more so, if I’d heard nasty remarks from women.
It felt like bullying and left me feeling vulnerable and ashamed, the way he found it funny and was just loosely saying it assuming I wouldn’t hear. It also pissed me off from the point of view of him making fun of those tourists visiting for holidays.
Normally I’m able to stand up for myself, I didn’t expect such a nasty situation[/quote]
Honestly op, unless someone has issues with reading comprehension then this was hugely clear from yout posts. Picking up on your language and ripping into uou for it says more about the posters doing it than you.just like this mans comments say more about him than you. Shades of th same shit.

Just ignore it. Mysogynistic means strongly prejudiced against women and clearly nothing you’ve said indicates you are. Nor did you indicate you went in there wanting to be found attractive and to have sex with the men on the meat counter. I can’t even believe it’s being suggested.

I understand, and so do many others, exactly how you feel. Many of us have put on weight in our lives and become more conscious about how we look. No one wants to be randomly insulted like that and this one hit a sore spot . 💐

OP he sounds like an utter dick. I hope you are ok, these encounters are awful (something similar has happened to me and it knocked me sideways)

@Doomscrolling I don't think anyone would read that, let alone 'easily' read that, into it unless that person was so desperately reaching for an argument or angle to attack the OP with. In what universe does 'I felt bad about myself' translate to 'other women deserve it too and I wouldn't care if I was thin'. Seriously that is really truly stretching and reaching so badly.

@Bluntness100 Well said

[quote Kidsdontknowwhatswrongwithmum]@Doomscrolling God, no, I didn’t mean that at all 😞[/quote]
The majority of people would not have read your post like that, dont worry. It's quite clear that you would never see anyone as fair game for being insulted about their appearance.

I would have been just as upset as you. I would have cried. Isn't it lucky that some people have such sturdy self-confidence that they could brush off such an awful encounter and not take anything to heart. For the rest of us it's an ongoing process - some days I'm quite confident in my skin, and other days my self confidence is hanging on by a very thin thread.

This guy was an arsehole and unprofessional and I'm glad you reported him. X

Ah well see I would have then responded in his language that I was going to report him to the manager and walked away

Disgusting behaviour and no reflection on you at all. Complain x

Oh OP I'm so sorry.

Easier said than done but don't take it to heart. You have a beautiful child that you have struggled to conceive, I imagine your partner likes/loves you just the way you are. And I also imagine you look far far better than you think you do/put yourself down.

I'd make a complaint to the manager, and then move on. Don't dwell on it of you can.