‘How many drinks for you to sleep with her?’

[Kidsdontknowwhatswrongwithmum]

God, I feel shit.
Went to the supermarket with toddler dd yesterday afternoon. For context I live in another country, speak the language but not 100% fluently, but more than enough to get by.
The supermarket I went to was full of holiday makers, mainly British.
I went to the meat counter and the guy looked up and as I was going to order in the language of the country, he asked me what I’d like in English, sometimes I answer in the hone country’s language, this time I quickly replied in English.
I then heard him asking his colleague stood with him behind the counter, how many drinks it would take to sleep with me, he asked him ‘Lots?’ and he started laughing, his friend sort of shrugged it off. It was almost like a joke to the holiday makers I’m sure…see what you can say that they obviously won’t understand, but I understand. I just sort of stood there in shock.
I’m 2-3 stone overweight and hate the way I look currently, I was once a gym bunny size 10 and had men always checking me out. I’m older now, so I don’t expect that, but equally, what he said has made me feel so very low and disgusted with myself. I cried in the car on the way home.
I keep wondering if I had it wrong due to the language and he was talking about something else, but I really don’t think I did.

I really understand this - it’s shocking and only afterwards can you put the sting aside and réalise how you should have reacted. I’ll never forget my gynecologist ( a woman) at my 20 week scan with dd. She grabbed by stomach disdainfully and said “ So white, so British. Don’t you people do any exercise?”. (At the time I weighed 50 kg).
I know now I should have reported her but I was so ashamed that I didn’t even tell dh who was waiting outside with my toddler ds. But it taught me something that encounter, and I have never allowed anyone to speak to me like that again.

@LagunaBubbles

I think many overweight women are massively attractive

Why wouldn't they be ?

Honestly? Someone’s been abused and this is yout focus. Men or women being fat is often considered unattractive. Let’s not be coy shall we and pretend we don’t know that.

Leave the op alone or focus on the issue at hand,

You should make a complaint to the store, and hope this man can be dealt with.. But don't be getting upset about this. Just realise, that there are lots of men around, who are nasty moronic idiots, with no manners, who shoot their mouths off, and say horrible things. Sadly they can't all be dealt with, you just have to feel sorry, for their lack of intelligence.

What was said to you, I have even heard male comedians on stage, say the same type of things, and they think they can get away with this crap dialogue when people laugh at them.

I would have felt exactly the same as you OP, well done for complaining.

They are pieces of shite, OP, you get them everywhere. Just wonder... what would it take to get you to go with either of them? More than they could muster.

I'm sorry if anything I've said added to the distress OP. I read it back and thought it might be if you're feeling vulnerable. I didn't mean to sound critical. I just wanted to say I doubt it's anything to do with attractiveness or anything else. And that it IS bullying and you mustnt let it get inside your head. But I realise that is easier said than done. Particularly if feeling low for whatever reason. I hope you are feeling better soon.

You know, what you should have done if you hadn't been in shock, would have been to answer him in the local lingo and say "well NO amount of alcohol would ever make me want to sleep with YOU"

Obviously too late now but god, it would have been good to see his face if you had!

As far as the insult itself goes, all I can say is that you need to stop measuring your self-worth by how "worthy" men find you. Their opinion of you is completely irrelevant. If you're not happy with the way you look FOR YOURSELF, then that's one story - but if you're not happy because you no longer feel super-attractive to men, then stop that way of thinking immediately.

Maybe next time you go in, make sure you talk to him in the local language after he asks what you want in English. He might remember, and you still might get to see the shock on his face.

Argh these replies are so stupid, attacking OP for not feeling attractive as an overweight person?

On MN in general:

OP: husband got fat, no longer attracted to him

MN: tell him to lose weight or you'll leave him

Anyone making you feel bad for freezing and not saying anything, is as much of a problem as that idiot who spoke to you like that. Put the complaint in, it'll make you feel better. Report back on what's said. Carry on shopping there. He didn't get his comeuppance this time, it'll happen for him another day. Don't let it spoil your views on yourself. What a twat.

You may think my question was disgusting but it only comes from what the OP had written.
These men are disgusting saying something like that without a doubt but OP is saying it because of how she looks and gym bunnies and over weight and all this

What would she have said if they had said "I'd shag her to death without any drinks, she's hot!"

Would it have been ok with her then? Maybe in the past when she's been looking how she felt was he best, she thought behaviour and comments like this were acceptable and validating

The question I posted, which was basically do you want the butcher to want to have sex with you so you feel validated may offend but it's a question OP needs to ask herself.

I’m sorry this happened to you I’ve felt like you felt in the past. A man ( total stranger ) once barged into me and pushed me into a wall and told me that I needed to lose weight and I was taking up too much space. It was not easy to brush that off because even though he was a total idiot there is the nagging doubt that he must be right. I am understanding having read this thread that I have been conditioned since being a young and slim woman and now to being older and overweight woman that the comments of others are valid. It will take work but somehow we need to not have our worth attached to what others think about us. You have my sympathy though. It is horrible

[quote Kidsdontknowwhatswrongwithmum]@closeyoureyesandsee I am focused on that too, but it hit me badly in a personal way and just made me feel so low about myself. I already had issues with my weight and this confirmed it[/quote]
Why? Did I miss where they commented on your weight? You are making assumptions about his vile attitude. You need to work on your self esteem.

Yes Jerima. That is how I see it as well.

do you want the butcher to want to have sex with you, does that validate you?

I just wonder if the butcher had said something along the lines of what a hottie the customer was and how he would love to shag her, would this thread would have been created.

Obviously you knew your comment was pathetic @EKGEMS

Are some of you in a parallel universe? I do not know how some of you can read this poor woman's post and find fault by using twisted logic? @Bluntness100 has it correct.@Kidsdontknowwhatswrongwithmum I'm sorry you've experienced this from the bastard butcher and these other commenters.

No Jerima I was upset about your abuse of @Kidsdontknowwhatswrongwithmum and decided to have it removed when i calmed down but my opinion of you hadn't changed

Well @EKGEMS because I don't feel my value is based on what you or any other stranger on Mumsnet thinks of me I don't give a shit

@Cocopogo

OP you had my full sympathy until this point

I can’t believe I’ve now become a person with looks that men say that about

So you think women out there deserve to be treated like this if they aren’t good looking?
I think you are viewing this all wrong, talking about gym bunny and size 10 etc. Those men are vile and need calling out of their behaviour and you didn’t do that, you went home and thought about your weight as though any woman overweight deserved to be treated so shit. I’m appalled at those men but I’m also disappointed that women shoot each other down over their weight and do nothing to make a stand and call out this horrid misogynist behaviour.

This is uncalled for. Don't you think the OP has been made to feel bad enough by men, without women finding a way to criticise her further? She said nothing of the sort. We all know that women who are not slim, young and/or attractive can be targets for insult from men. No one has said or even implied they 'deserve' it. When a woman has been the victim of vile sexism she also shouldn't be blamed that her immediate reaction wasn't to 'call it out' on behalf of womankind. Its not women's fault that we are told from childhood that we need to be attractive to men and that we internalise this at times. Yes rationally we know it's wrong and should be challenged but it's not the responsibility of women to constantly police male behaviour. The fault here lies solely with these men. We shouldn't dilute it by suggesting the OP is also wrong.

I’d guess he thought he was ‘testing’ you by addressing you in English - just as I’d guess this is a regular nasty game of his with any female he thinks won’t understand that they’ve been insulted. He’ll be like this with anyone if he thinks he can get away with it. Nasty bastard. I’d complain.

@Kidsdontknowwhatswrongwithmum you say youre a strong person and its hit you hard. So I would maybe think about someone who is not as strong or at the end of their rope and they are faced with him. I would complain to the store over the phone (so they wont even know who you are) to hopefully stop him doing it to anyone else. Im sorry this happened to you, its just not nice.

The correct thing to have done would be to take the shopping and as you were about to leave politely thank him and say goodbye in the language, perhaps making a bit of small talk.

There's a great story about Mario Andretti when he first signed a contract to drive for Ferrari. At the factory and was surrounded by Italian mechanics who assumed because he was Italian-American who had been raised in the US he wouldn't understand what they were saying. They were giving him all manner of abuse for a good few minutes, before he calmly spoke to them in perfect Italian explaining what work he wanted them to do on his car. The look of terror on their faces when they realised he'd understood everything they'd said about him was well worth putting up with the insults for a few minutes.

@Jerima

Obviously you knew your comment was pathetic *@EKGEMS*

I read EKGEMS comment before they deleted it, and they were right in what they said about you. It's sad that you don't realise that your victim-blaming comments to the OP are pathetic, and don't have the self awareness or self respect to delete it. At least EKGEMS had that self awareness, you seem to have none whatsoever.

@Jerima

Well *@EKGEMS* because I don't feel my value is based on what you or any other stranger on Mumsnet thinks of me I don't give a shit

Yes, it's very clear you don't consider the feelings of other people. Especially a vulnerable OP. You'd made it abundantly clear what type of person you are.