‘How many drinks for you to sleep with her?’

[Kidsdontknowwhatswrongwithmum]

God, I feel shit.
Went to the supermarket with toddler dd yesterday afternoon. For context I live in another country, speak the language but not 100% fluently, but more than enough to get by.
The supermarket I went to was full of holiday makers, mainly British.
I went to the meat counter and the guy looked up and as I was going to order in the language of the country, he asked me what I’d like in English, sometimes I answer in the hone country’s language, this time I quickly replied in English.
I then heard him asking his colleague stood with him behind the counter, how many drinks it would take to sleep with me, he asked him ‘Lots?’ and he started laughing, his friend sort of shrugged it off. It was almost like a joke to the holiday makers I’m sure…see what you can say that they obviously won’t understand, but I understand. I just sort of stood there in shock.
I’m 2-3 stone overweight and hate the way I look currently, I was once a gym bunny size 10 and had men always checking me out. I’m older now, so I don’t expect that, but equally, what he said has made me feel so very low and disgusted with myself. I cried in the car on the way home.
I keep wondering if I had it wrong due to the language and he was talking about something else, but I really don’t think I did.

Omg what rude, obnoxious pigs! This would really upset me too. OP, it’s easier said than done, but please don’t get those bastards get to you. I’m sure you look lovely (not that this is the point). Please be kind to yourself and maybe have a little treat to cheer yourself up.

@Kidsdontknowwhatswrongwithmum

God, I feel shit. Went to the supermarket with toddler dd yesterday afternoon. For context I live in another country, speak the language but not 100% fluently, but more than enough to get by. The supermarket I went to was full of holiday makers, mainly British. I went to the meat counter and the guy looked up and as I was going to order in the language of the country, he asked me what I’d like in English, sometimes I answer in the hone country’s language, this time I quickly replied in English. I then heard him asking his colleague stood with him behind the counter, how many drinks it would take to sleep with me, he asked him ‘Lots?’ and he started laughing, his friend sort of shrugged it off. It was almost like a joke to the holiday makers I’m sure…see what you can say that they obviously won’t understand, but I understand. I just sort of stood there in shock. I’m 2-3 stone overweight and hate the way I look currently, I was once a gym bunny size 10 and had men always checking me out. I’m older now, so I don’t expect that, but equally, what he said has made me feel so very low and disgusted with myself. I cried in the car on the way home. I keep wondering if I had it wrong due to the language and he was talking about something else, but I really don’t think I did.

I would have replied back in their language that no amount of drink would make me sleep with them. I would then ask for the store manager and ask them if it's acceptable for their staff to be talking that way about their customers

I was once being served by a young female member of bar staff at a holiday camp site. She was a bit surely or moody though no issues really. We were speaking in a mixture of English and the language of the country we were in. She suddenly turned to her young male colleague and made a comment in their home language (not english and not the language of the country we were in). I knew immediately by her facial expression and tone as well as his shocked expression that it was derogatory and rude about me.
I felt really awful and I didn’t even know what she’d said so I have sympathy for you OP - it felt horrible
Somehow I held it together and managed to pretend I’d understood. I looked really shocked and said “sorry what did you just say about me? That’s completely unacceptable to speak about a customer like that and I am going to report this”
They were both horrified that I’d “understood” and she apologised profusely while he protested (rightly) that it wasn’t him. I reassured him and told her she was out of order and would be reported.
Obviously I never did report as I had absolutely no idea what she actually said - though I doubt that she behaved like that to other customers in the future so at least there was that
Sorry you had that today OP - it’s him not you - but I know that doesn’t really help right now

@Anordinarymum

He was showing off to his colleague. You should have cut him down right there and then, but now it is too late. You could make a complaint but he will deny it.

Don't shop there again. One you will always be uncomfortable and two you will wish you complained but if you did you would still be uncomfortable.

Bastard

She should still complain, he might deny it but the other guy may value his job more and admit that yes the comment as made. Not saying or highlighting the issue gives him free reign to continue this vile behaviour

@EeeByeGummieBear I’ve expressed myself wrong I think. I felt upset and like crap, it’s just compounded my lack of self worth over my looks at the moment I think. I am a sensitive person and this has made me want to hide even more.
I’m also so angry as it doesn’t matter what anyone looks like at all, I’m just so upset and angry.

I think many overweight women are massively attractive

Come on OP do you really think that statement is acceptable? It just goes to show how ingrained misogyny is, in woman as well as men.

So sorry you had to hear that though, I've been there and it really stings. Well done on complaining.

Oh bless, look at some of you pretending you wouldn't be upset about a stranger commenting negatively on your looks.

@CirqueDeMorgue

Oh bless, look at some of you pretending you wouldn't be upset about a stranger commenting negatively on your looks.

What a patronising comment. Bless!

Do you want to sleep with him? If not, then the lack of attraction is mutual and not a problem. You’re not failing if every man doesn’t want to sleep with you. Also, he’s a bastard.

@tara66

You really do not need this experience to upset you so much. These thing happen. You are still in one piece and never need to see that person again. Luckily we are all not in Kabul at the moment.

@tara66 Oh give over! The world doesn't stop because of Kabul. Eventually you'll be upset over something and how would you feel if someone said what you said, to you? How about if someone comes on here to say the were beaten up by their husband? Or raped? Or abused as a child? Where do you draw the line over what someone can or can't be hurt and upset about, just because of Kabul?

@pinkyredrose Oh ffs, I can’t say anything right can I? I’ve not done anything wrong here, I don’t think anything about anyone, I just know that I’ve been feeling really low about how I look for a while now and this has really knocked me.
I just want to be left alone to shop with my child and not made to feel humiliated and ashamed for my appearance

I think @Cocopogo puts it perfectly. I completely understand why receiving a derogatory comment from a stranger got you down. It’s happened to me before and it’s awful - I was suffering from dermatitis on my face and a group of men on the street called me ‘a dog’ and ‘disgusting’.

I just really think we need to challenge the ingrained idea that men have the right to pass comment on strange women’s fuckability and your self-worth shouldn’t be based on what a couple of idiots behind a supermarket counter say about you. Women don’t exist to look good for men. Women who aren’t young, slim, or otherwise conventionally attractive don’t deserve to receive abuse on the street.

There was a thread a few months back called something like ‘tell me about times random men have been abusive to you’ and it was FULL of examples like this. Men walking up to posters in the street and hissing things like ‘you’re so ugly you make me sick’. It was absolutely vile and made me so angry.

Good for you for complaining. And I don’t mean to be critical but the point is that it’s utterly unacceptable behaviour. It isn’t relevant that the guy was young and new. Don’t make excuses for him. He should still know what’s acceptable and unacceptable. It’s also irrelevant that you had your daughter with you - women without children don’t deserve to receive abuse either.

For goodness sake, what’s wrong with people and some of these responses, some of the responders should be ashamed, attacking her, someone even called her mysogynistic clearly not knowing the meaning of the word

Op, everyone would feel upset by that. And as much as we all like to think we’d have said something the reality is it’s not always that simple when put on the spot.

People are often braver in their heads and on their key boards.

@YouMeandtheSpew I wasn’t making excuses for him by saying he was young and new, just a description of the man to set the scene. Most of the other staff I’ve noticed have been there for years and are older.
And of course people without children shouldn’t be abused either! I was making the point that even in front of a little girl, he’d make these comments..and about her mother,

People insult people whatever their level of attractiveness. They are shits who are just showing off to their mates. Sometimes people pick on the very people they find attractive to big themselves up or put them down or make themselves feel better in front of their mates. But I feel I shouldn't have to say this as it is irrelevant what the arsehole bloke thought really one way or the other. People don't need his approval. You shouldn't be validating his nastiness. You have a choice to bring other women up with you or bring your own insecurities online and imply that other women should feel bad too. What's it to be? I am willing to bet you're an attractive woman and I'm willing to bet this bloke was showing off by putting you down to his mate. It will have nothing to do with how attractive you are. The fact you let this have power over you in this way is horrible for you. Why let some nasty have you feel bad about yourself or make you think about changing the way you are? Someone you have no respect for? Have some pride and some outrage for other women too. Who does he think he is? I think as women we need to not allow people like that to affect our thinking or leak into how we view ourselves or view other women. I also feel very strongly that it's a kind of control. Talk of never going back to the shop or people feeling they must leave a club and not take up space or enjoy their night out. Well obviously I'm not saying to get in a fight or to put yourself in danger but part of this putting women down is to claim space and make women conform or seek approval in self damaging ways. Why should we? I feel for both you and the woman who left the club for being called a dog (breaks my heart she'd think her partner might realise if she told him. It's clear to anyone reading that can't be true and is simply a totally outrageously nasty thing to say and was someone getting a powertrip off her shock and distress.) It will be nothing to do with attractiveness (not that it should matter) but to do with being a vulnerable person on their own and some men bigging themselves up to their group by bullying. The response is not to let the bullying get inside your head or believe it in any way. I wish you well and the other poster too. I hope you feel better soon.

@Bluntness100 Thank you.

I’m usually such a strong person and would be the first to give him a mouthful if he’d said it to a friend etc. It just really knocked me and I froze, it felt like a strange sort of bullying, really unpleasant

I think many overweight women are massively attractive

Why wouldn't they be ?

@LagunaBubbles ? I was responding to another comment where I was the one being blamed for something that had upset me.
‘I’ feel shit because ‘I’ personally am NOT attractive overweight, many women are, I’m
not.

I’m going to leave it here for now as the last thing I feel like is being attacked as if I’m doing or saying something wrong for the situation and about how low it’s made me feel.

Thank you to the messages of support and if/when the manager gets back to me, I’ll update.

Some of these replies are fucking ridiculous AIBU really is the home of the perpetually frustrated and snide.

Yes some people can go through life not giving a shit about how they look well done - for many of us that’s not the case. OP clearly took pride in her appearance but doesn’t feel her best owed to the side effect of fertility treatments, and the plain old having less time for yourself after a child. Imagine when you’re feeling at your absolute most insecure and someone says that about you? Not even behind your back but blatantly in front of you thinking you can’t understand. I’d feel exactly the same in this situation.

He’s a piece of shit and I’m so glad you raised it further. Use this to spur you on back to how you felt best about yourself.

OP, it happened yesterday. It's not too late to go back today to complain in person

@CloseYourEyesAndSee

It's sad that your focus is what you look like rather than his disgusting misogynist behaviour

I agree.

Well done for complaining.

Not acceptable at all.

Don’t listen to the negatives OP there aren’t many people that wouldn’t feel shit about this.

Those men and their vile options don’t matter so while it’s ok to feel crap, don’t dwell. Life’s too short