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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Possibly a sensitive topic but AIBU to say no to this?

999 replies

JudgeJerry · 17/08/2021 12:05

Have lurked here for a little while but my first post.

My husband and I are separating. There is a whole host of reasons for this but one of the big ones is I just felt like I got no help from him with anything, he was always working and everything else was left to me (I also work). Resentment was starting to build massively and he has never done anything to change things despite us going over this so many times, suggesting counselling etc...

We have one DC together and my husband has two older DC from a previous relationship who live with him full time and see their mother on a very ad-hoc basis, contact with their DM has been this way for about 4 years now (issues I won't go into here).

We are trying to arrange contact arrangements with our DC, and we have been arguing basically about my DSC. He thinks it would be right for them to continue having some form of schedule to see myself and their half sibling. I do not agree. They will obviously still see their half sibling, our DC, when they go to their Dad's but I don't see why this needs to involve me.

Whilst I do care for my step children, this is one of the things that caused so many issues in our relationship, that I felt he pushed everything onto me in regards to the children, I basically took over everything and he didn't change a thing. Which is something that seems to be common place from my reading on here.

I highly suspect he is saying this is 'right and fair' so that he continues getting help from me with childcare.

Quite honestly I'm just ready for a clean break or as clean a break as we can possibly manage with DC in the mix and, whilst I don't mind the occasional tea with me and DC or whatever, I do not want to put myself in the position of committing to contact or a schedule with his older children.

I appreciate though it's going to be big changes for everyone and probably a lot of upset. I did take on the role a mother probably would in terms of practical care for DSC day to day but they certainly don't see me as their Mum and still very much love their DM despite the issues.

I just don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
AntiSocialDistancer · 17/08/2021 12:11

There are only 3 children in this, your joint child and his 2 kids? And his two live with him?

There's absolute no way I would set up regular contact for his children to come to my house unless I wanted them to, and it sounds like you dont. They can see their sibling at his house, you can help them with reducing visits etc to come to terms with the separation. But you having them on the weekends so he doesnt have to look after them? No. He needs to find a new muggins Wife.

I think whatever contact you can have would be good for his children but this would be flexible and as I said, with the aim of reducing contact. How long did you live with them and how old are they?

DeathStare · 17/08/2021 12:12

I think you are being really mean. You have been the mother-figure to those children and withdraw that relationship from them just because their dad is an asshole is a horrible thing to do to them.

PickleAF · 17/08/2021 12:14

How old are the DSC? If they're young (under 10 or so) an adjustment period might be helpful, but older than that end they'll understand and not need one.

YANBU! They're not your kids, your Ex clearly has issues with looking after them - they're his kids, you shouldn't have to look after them after a separation! The occasional meal maybe around your DCs birthday or other occasion, yes, but not regular contact

lannistunut · 17/08/2021 12:14

Hi, this is very complicated for you Flowers

A possible route is to say to your ex and also direct to the DSCs that they are old enough not to need contact schedule but if they want to visit they would be welcome, the DSCs just need to ring you to arrange as would anyone else.

Presumably the DSCs will miss you, and you will miss them too? And the siblings will miss each other? What age are the DSCs?

MadMadMadamMim · 17/08/2021 12:14

He's daft.

You are divorcing because he's too idle to pull his weight. You certainly won't be continuing to do any childcare for 2 DSC who aren't yours!

Agree with you that coming to see their step sibling for tea occasionally at your house might be a possibility - but regularly caring for three kids to give him a break? Nah. He can have the DSC unless they are at their mother's.

Not your circus. Not your monkeys.

Immunetypegoblin · 17/08/2021 12:16

Seeing them occasionally, because you want to - fine. Continuing to be their second mum because their dad is a lazy shit - not fine.

YANBU!

Muchmorethan · 17/08/2021 12:16

He basically wants you to carry on parenting them so he get's time off.

He's probably realised that he will always have DC to sort out.

I understand that others may think you're mean if you have practically raised them, but equally if you don't feel that bond with them - don't be lumbered with caring for them post split.

What ages were they when you first knew them and now?

Imnewhere1991 · 17/08/2021 12:18

Personally I would only focus on your child. Not his.

romdowa · 17/08/2021 12:20

Yanbu and he needs to start parenting his children. Obviously he wants you to continue raising them for him so he doesn't have to bother. Those two children have two parents and sadly they are both useless but that's not your problem. As heartless as it may sound but he is not doing this for their sake.

RoseAndRose · 17/08/2021 12:23

How old are they, and how long have you been living with them?

You say 4 years since it's been full time, but were you in their lives before that?

There's a world of difference between what is kind and fair to the DC if they are say 7&5 and you've been in their lives as long as they can remember, compare to if they are 17 and 15

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 17/08/2021 12:23

I think it's potentially very sad for DSC, but if you don't feel that bond pretending you do will harm them in the long run. Making sure your DC has regular contact with DSC at their fathers house is I think important. Have you both discussed how long DC will spend with each parent? If it's majority to you and EOW weekend for her DF then extra sibling contact might be an important consideration, but that could equally be a dinner at DF house rather then you having DSC.

PolypGrunterPulpit · 17/08/2021 12:24

@DeathStare

I think you are being really mean. You have been the mother-figure to those children and withdraw that relationship from them just because their dad is an asshole is a horrible thing to do to them.
Presumably the children already have a mother who cares for them at least 50% of the time? They are not OP's responsibility, and they can see their half sibling at their mutual dad's house.
PolypGrunterPulpit · 17/08/2021 12:26

Ah, just seen that she doesn't see them often. That's sad. Still, it's up to their dad to care for them, not OP.

Themadcatparade · 17/08/2021 12:29

@DeathStare

I think you are being really mean. You have been the mother-figure to those children and withdraw that relationship from them just because their dad is an asshole is a horrible thing to do to them.
So what happens when the OPs ex gets a new partner, and wants Op to have nothing to do with them anymore when their step parent has been replaced? Is that fair on the Op?

Op I think you are being reasonable and sensible here. Have nothing to do with them, otherwise you might as well still be with him.
I understand that your DC need a relationship with them but as for yourself, you don’t need to keep stretching yourself for someone else’s kids. It is not ‘right and fair’, the children have a mother and a father they do not need more than that if you are not together. Sounds like you are spot on with thinking he is using you still for childcare.

AlmostSummer21 · 17/08/2021 12:30

Tell him to GTF.

His children have two parents, all of them, but you are not the other parent to them all!

He's a lazy, unreasonable twat.

If you CHOOSE to invite his DC over for tea/the day because YOU want to, fine, but they are most definitely not your responsibility & perhaps if the stupid git had taken more responsibility fir his children he wouldn't be in this situation now. Idiot.

Don't let him guilt/push you into being responsible for THEIR children

TheOrigRights · 17/08/2021 12:31

How old are the DSC and do you know what their wishes are?

Mama1980 · 17/08/2021 12:33

What do the children want?
You should definitely not commit to having them all the time but I would want to know what they want then work things out from there.

Original poster
JudgeJerry · 17/08/2021 12:33

Thanks everyone, lots to think about.

To answer some questions, they were 5 & 8 when they came to live with us full time. Quite honestly the only reason he's been able to continue as he has and have them with us full time was because I ended up basically facilitating everything. So I think he's panicking now about the fact he's going to need to make some changes to the way he does things so that he can continue to look after his DC without me there.

Yes I was around before they came to live with us full time, it was about 3 years into our relationship we got married just before it happened.

I wouldn't say I don't have a bond with DSC, I do. They don't see me as their mother though and that's not the 'bond' that we share, despite me doing the majority care now for some time.

I am happy to have occasional flexible contact, perhaps tea at mine every so often but I am very reluctant to get into some sort of 'co parenting' situation with him with children who aren't actually my children.

OP posts:
Winemewhynot · 17/08/2021 12:35

YANBU, contact with his children should be on your terms not his.

frazzledasarock · 17/08/2021 12:36

No, they’re not your DC and not your responsibility.

I wouldn’t commit to any scheduled time to babysit his children. And that’s what it comes down to he wants to palm all his kids off on to you his skivvy and free childcare. Nope.

You can invite them over to yours if and when you want. But I’d certainly not make a long term commitment to care for your ex’s children. That’s ridiculous.

Break ups are hard for everyone, your DSC need a clean break so they can move forward in their new routine. They’ve got their own parents to be having contact with.

Your ex is just lazy and not surprised he’s your ex.

Original poster
JudgeJerry · 17/08/2021 12:37

I don't know what the children want in regards to continued contact, I suspect they'd be happy to have it though and I do imagine it will be quite upsetting for them when our plans start to move forward.

OP posts:
LannieDuck · 17/08/2021 12:37

I agree with you - clean break (except your DC). For the step children, your DC will continue to see them at Ex's house. It would be nice to continue seeing them sometimes yourself, but on a play date basis - you'll invite them, and he'll accept or not.

It's certainly not your responsibility to be part of any regular childcare arrangement involving them.

Candydreamer · 17/08/2021 12:37

YANBU.

Like you said, this is obviously less about his children seeing you/your child and more about him finding you convenient for child care.

Besides, you have no obligation to agree to anything regarding his older children so I would just say what you have said here, that whilst you don't mind tea occasionally, the relationship between the siblings will be maintained during his contact.

Ourlady · 17/08/2021 12:38

Oh he's not daft is he.
He's still trying to palm his kids off on you despite you not even living together.
He sounds like a very lazy parent.
Let him get on with it.

JassyRadlett · 17/08/2021 12:38

I am happy to have occasional flexible contact, perhaps tea at mine every so often but I am very reluctant to get into some sort of 'co parenting' situation with him with children who aren't actually my children.

I think that's exactly the right approach.

'I'll look forward to seeing them socially, but there isn't any need for a formal arrangement. I'll make sure I invite them over or for outings from time to time, and they're always welcome to get in touch with me.'

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