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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Possibly a sensitive topic but AIBU to say no to this?

999 replies

JudgeJerry · 17/08/2021 12:05

Have lurked here for a little while but my first post.

My husband and I are separating. There is a whole host of reasons for this but one of the big ones is I just felt like I got no help from him with anything, he was always working and everything else was left to me (I also work). Resentment was starting to build massively and he has never done anything to change things despite us going over this so many times, suggesting counselling etc...

We have one DC together and my husband has two older DC from a previous relationship who live with him full time and see their mother on a very ad-hoc basis, contact with their DM has been this way for about 4 years now (issues I won't go into here).

We are trying to arrange contact arrangements with our DC, and we have been arguing basically about my DSC. He thinks it would be right for them to continue having some form of schedule to see myself and their half sibling. I do not agree. They will obviously still see their half sibling, our DC, when they go to their Dad's but I don't see why this needs to involve me.

Whilst I do care for my step children, this is one of the things that caused so many issues in our relationship, that I felt he pushed everything onto me in regards to the children, I basically took over everything and he didn't change a thing. Which is something that seems to be common place from my reading on here.

I highly suspect he is saying this is 'right and fair' so that he continues getting help from me with childcare.

Quite honestly I'm just ready for a clean break or as clean a break as we can possibly manage with DC in the mix and, whilst I don't mind the occasional tea with me and DC or whatever, I do not want to put myself in the position of committing to contact or a schedule with his older children.

I appreciate though it's going to be big changes for everyone and probably a lot of upset. I did take on the role a mother probably would in terms of practical care for DSC day to day but they certainly don't see me as their Mum and still very much love their DM despite the issues.

I just don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:

JanisJ · 17/08/2021 12:38

It sounds like he absolutely wants to continue to use you for childcare.

I'd agree to having them over for dinner once a month, maximum.

Theunamedcat · 17/08/2021 12:39

Point out to him that when he moves on it will be ridiculous for his new wife to coparent with his ex wife and the mother of his children separately

As an aside just how many parents is he expecting his children to have

Original poster

JudgeJerry · 17/08/2021 12:40

That was another point he made, regarding our DC and contact between siblings. That my DSC will be devastated not to see their sibling as much anymore and I do actually agree with him there, that will be the toughest on them I think as they absolutely adore our DC.

OP posts:

frazzledasarock · 17/08/2021 12:41

Tell him you’ll consider it for a fee. Look up how much a nanny would charge and present him with a bill.

He’s utterly and utterly lazy CF!

lannistunut · 17/08/2021 12:41

I do feel very sorry for the DSCs. I am not saying that makes it your job to fix - there dad should absolutely be stepping up to sort them out - but I think it will be hard for them.

lannistunut · 17/08/2021 12:41

@JudgeJerry

This will presumably be hard in both directions?

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 17/08/2021 12:41

I would consider what would happen if either of you met someone else. Just how many adults should the dc be spread across?
When me and exh split he didn't see my dc and I certainly didn't see his...
He wants the child care to continue I suspect.... Clean break. Siblings will still have a relationship...

Queenoftheashes · 17/08/2021 12:42

Cheeky cunt. This reminds me of a video I saw.
ifunny.co/video/what-do-men-have-in-their-body-in-place-of-DtuuyhEG8?s=cl

Original poster

JudgeJerry · 17/08/2021 12:42

As an aside just how many parents is he expecting his children to have

Their mother doesn't really parent much, if at all which is very sad. They have seen her a couple of times this year so far, it's not a nice situation for them I do agree with that.

OP posts:

Original poster

JudgeJerry · 17/08/2021 12:43

This will presumably be hard in both directions?

Yes it certainly will.

OP posts:

Queenoftheashes · 17/08/2021 12:44

ifunny.co/video/what-do-men-have-in-their-body-in-place-of-DtuuyhEG8 might work better
Anyway tell him to get tae fuck and the poster who says you’re mean is ridiculous

anonforamo · 17/08/2021 12:44

I don't know @JudgeJerry for me I always think about what message is it sending to children. You may not be their Mum, but they've lived with you since a young age and I wonder if part of the conversation could be how to make choices that both respect what's happening for you and doesn't make them feel rejected? Also, they are siblings with your child, that has to matter too.

I understand there's some resentment. It sounds like your husband's behaviour/choices/way of being directly impacted why this became a bigger issue. But that still isn't any of the kids fault.

What about one evening a week or coming round for tea one day a week? Even a nice tea and family time once a week may make a big difference in feeling wanted.

In situations like this imagine if it was the child writing the post

"I love my step Mum and she's been my parent since I was 5. But when she and my Dad separated she didn't want me any more, I wasn't allowed to sleep over, didn't see her anymore and just got to see her occasionally. I felt so hurt because I thought I meant something to her."

Resentment never works so I'm not at all saying to ignore your feelings. I guess I'm wondering if it's possible to separate them a bit from the children and find a middle ground?

AryaStarkWolf · 17/08/2021 12:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Justilou1 · 17/08/2021 12:45

I assume he’s planning on paying you a loooooad of maintenance then?

JanisJ · 17/08/2021 12:45

How often is he expecting you to have them op?

Weekly? Fortnightly?

putthebinsout · 17/08/2021 12:45

How frustrating to have taken such a massive step and leaving this absolute piss taker of a man, only to be told that some of your wifely duties must continue!

He's a cf. I think a period of adjustment for the kids, perhaps supper round yours once a week for a month, then once every 2 weeks, then once a month or something like that would be kind to the children but absolutely do not agree to anything more

melj1213 · 17/08/2021 12:46

Yanbu to not want to continue to parent your DSC because your STBEx doesn't want to but I do think it would be good to keep the communication open.

How old are your DSC? If they're still young then it might be best to instigate a structured adjustment period, at the end of which they still see your DC at their dad's but you don't have to be involved at all unless you choose to invite them.

If they are older than about 10/11 then the DSC should be old enough to understand that you are separated and so won't be around to parent them, but that you are still happy to facilitate them seeing their sibling provided it is done in a structured way (eg they have to call and arrange something, they can't just turn up randomly on your doorstep)

AuntLydiasNewHairdo · 17/08/2021 12:46

So if the DSC are so keen to see the DC, it hasn't occured to him that they could meet up at HIS?

JanisJ · 17/08/2021 12:48

@AuntLydiasNewHairdo

So if the DSC are so keen to see the DC, it hasn't occured to him that they could meet up at HIS?

Exactly.

Original poster

JudgeJerry · 17/08/2021 12:48

@anonforamo

I don't know *@JudgeJerry* for me I always think about what message is it sending to children. You may not be their Mum, but they've lived with you since a young age and I wonder if part of the conversation could be how to make choices that both respect what's happening for you and doesn't make them feel rejected? Also, they are siblings with your child, that has to matter too.

I understand there's some resentment. It sounds like your husband's behaviour/choices/way of being directly impacted why this became a bigger issue. But that still isn't any of the kids fault.

What about one evening a week or coming round for tea one day a week? Even a nice tea and family time once a week may make a big difference in feeling wanted.

In situations like this imagine if it was the child writing the post

Resentment never works so I'm not at all saying to ignore your feelings. I guess I'm wondering if it's possible to separate them a bit from the children and find a middle ground?

It's a fair point and I do appreciate it.

I guess things have come to so much of a head that I feel the only way to stop myself being walked over now is to completely cut off the support (to him) if that makes sense? Else I just leave myself open to being taken advantage of again and this is one of the biggest reasons why this is all happening.

I don't know what to do for the best, truly.

OP posts:

lannistunut · 17/08/2021 12:49

One thing I do know is that what you set out at the start is not necessarily where you will all end up in a few years. So don;t set anything up that you really don;t want but be open minded about it changing. You might miss the DSCs, your kids might miss the DSCs. When you are seeing themf or yourself it might be less annoying. When they are older and you can ask them to babysit it might be a positive thing.

So don;t box yourself in now, or take on more than you want now, but maybe later things will evolve in a happy way.

Fizzbangwallop · 17/08/2021 12:50

Yanbu

This will sound harsh to people who aren’t stepparents, but it’s quite normal to see a lot less of stepchildren after a divorce. You will not be living with them part time and you will no longer be a parental figure. It doesn’t mean that you don’t care about them - it’s just reflecting the change in relationship.

Your stbx will have to sort his own childcare out. My guess is that he will find another woman to help him out (a female relative, new girlfriend etc) rather than working fewer hours to accommodate childcare. His request and subsequent emotional manipulation probably confirms that separating is the right choice for you. He’s selfish.

Good luck with your divorce!

PhoenixFreesias · 17/08/2021 12:50

On the one hand, yes he is being a cheeky Rucker basically expecting free child care.

On the other hand, those poor bloody kids. Not their fault.

Original poster

JudgeJerry · 17/08/2021 12:51

@JanisJ

How often is he expecting you to have them op?

Weekly? Fortnightly?

He's not said anything specific but knowing him, I imagine he'd be thinking a few times a week, and overnight too no doubt. I imagine he'd still want help with school runs the lot.

I wanted to step away before carrying on the conversation and get my head straight on what actually would be fair and the right thing to do, for me as well now because I have reached the point where I just want to put me first for a change (and DC). But obviously I don't want to be cruel or reject anyone either.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 17/08/2021 12:51

I think if the marriage was continuing then a compromise would be appropriate but as this is a divorce situation I agree your position.

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