Possibly a sensitive topic but AIBU to say no to this?

[JudgeJerry]

Have lurked here for a little while but my first post.

My husband and I are separating. There is a whole host of reasons for this but one of the big ones is I just felt like I got no help from him with anything, he was always working and everything else was left to me (I also work). Resentment was starting to build massively and he has never done anything to change things despite us going over this so many times, suggesting counselling etc...

We have one DC together and my husband has two older DC from a previous relationship who live with him full time and see their mother on a very ad-hoc basis, contact with their DM has been this way for about 4 years now (issues I won't go into here).

We are trying to arrange contact arrangements with our DC, and we have been arguing basically about my DSC. He thinks it would be right for them to continue having some form of schedule to see myself and their half sibling. I do not agree. They will obviously still see their half sibling, our DC, when they go to their Dad's but I don't see why this needs to involve me.

Whilst I do care for my step children, this is one of the things that caused so many issues in our relationship, that I felt he pushed everything onto me in regards to the children, I basically took over everything and he didn't change a thing. Which is something that seems to be common place from my reading on here.

I highly suspect he is saying this is 'right and fair' so that he continues getting help from me with childcare.

Quite honestly I'm just ready for a clean break or as clean a break as we can possibly manage with DC in the mix and, whilst I don't mind the occasional tea with me and DC or whatever, I do not want to put myself in the position of committing to contact or a schedule with his older children.

I appreciate though it's going to be big changes for everyone and probably a lot of upset. I did take on the role a mother probably would in terms of practical care for DSC day to day but they certainly don't see me as their Mum and still very much love their DM despite the issues.

I just don't know what to do for the best.

It’s a shame your in this position because your hubbi has put u in this position that’s why your divorcing ! Because he has not helped u whilst being in a marriage together why wud he expect u to carry on a situation that’s ended up in divorce!! Those kids parents need to be parents and step up ! Think about yourself and your child your not a babysitting service big hugs 🤗 xx

Definitely scheduled. It helps cut back on anxiety over the split, for the children. If you've done everything then they are old enough to realise that their dad might not step up.

You are not being mean-he is just panicking at having to do all the drudge work!

Don’t agree to any sort of regular childcare

It might be better to schedule the first month or two to give the DSC some stability but I would draw the distinction between this planning and an expectation of formal contact on which he can rely as there will be so much to settle in the first few months. In effect, it happens if on each occasio it suits both you and DSC, and if for any reason it doesn't then he is responsible for the childcare.

It probably would be helpful for you to have ongoing contact with the children, but this should be totally separate from the child care arrangements that your ex now needs to put in place. Perhaps ad-hoc days out / meals out/ shared activities, where you take your child and ex parents his older children, could be a way forward as it would be on neutral territory.

Don’t feel guilty about making the change. Your ex took the absolute piss by not contributing to household/ childcare tasks when he married you and you agreed to care for his children- he’s thrown away something golden, and now he’s panicking. You’re leaving to escape his abdication of responsibility, why would you continue to facilitate this once you moved out?

As others have said, the siblings can spend time together during your child’s contact time with ex.

I would tell him it’s a hard stop. I wouldn’t do any favours, ever.

I would speak to the kids so he doesn’t control the narrative and I would fairly quickly have them round for tea. I would not make this a regular or scheduled thing.

If you give even a fraction of an inch he’ll take a mile.

He is just using you for child care. I'd have a clean break and he can ensure they're all together when he has your child. They are not your responsibility.

@JudgeJerry

Thanks everyone, really appreciate the replies.

So say I said they could come for tea every now and then, would you think it better to be ad-hoc, or scheduled i.e. every second Wednesday or something? I am so reluctant to schedule off my time like that for him but I do hear what PPs are saying about what's best for DC even if it ends up benefitting him.

How about every other week (scheduled) dinner but take it in turns so one time you host and cook and the other time you go to his and he cooks?

You could commit to dinner one a week/fortnight for example without locking in a particular day, that will give you some flexibility based on what else is going on in your life.

You have a great opportunity to be Disney stepmum here! All fun stuff and leave the drudgery for him, he deserves it.

He's not said anything specific but knowing him, I imagine he'd be thinking a few times a week, and overnight too no doubt. I imagine he'd still want help with school runs the lot.

I think the fair and right thing to do would be to have them over for supper one night a fortnight or week, and then also for one single night in each of the 3 main holidays - so 3 overnights a year - which you can then make a big deal of and a really special treat for all the kids, as a rare and fun time. I'd also suggest that you are really scrupulous about remembering a nice birthday and Christmas present for them, given to them directly when you see them. Absolutely no school runs at all; if his concern is the kids, he can drop them at yours and then collect them for their meal with you.

What a selfish arse he sounds. I'm sorry it's come to this.

For the record, I've not had a stepchild, but I've had stepmothers - plural. I still think it's outrageous to expect you to effectively split his parenting with you, while they have their own mother, too. This man has every intention of the kids having, in effect, two non-resident mothers, so he can hand them off to you every other weekend and end up not paying child support to anyone, while having very little responsibility, comparatively speaking.

I do think a regular schedule to see you might be an idea as a transitional thing. Given their ages, that's likely to peter out, anyway, as time passes and they get engrossed in their own teenage social lives - but knowing you still care for them and want to see them once a week might be good.

I'd aim for them to see you as an aunt or godparent figure rather than a parent - that level of contact and affection. They don't feel abandoned, and he doesn't get to use you.

@Jennifer2r

I would commit to going to his place once a month with all the children for dinner (he cooks). The kids get to see you, you get a nice dinner, brilliant.

This.

@JudgeJerry

Thanks everyone, really appreciate the replies.

So say I said they could come for tea every now and then, would you think it better to be ad-hoc, or scheduled i.e. every second Wednesday or something? I am so reluctant to schedule off my time like that for him but I do hear what PPs are saying about what's best for DC even if it ends up benefitting him.

I wouldn't schedule anything with this man, it sounds like he will take advantage and push your boundaries however hard you try to stick to what's arranged. I would reassure DSC that you'll still see them and back that up with a tea invite as soon as possible after the actual split but keep it firmly ad hoc and at your convenience. Letting him continue to take the piss will lead to resentment which could ruin your relationship with DSC completely so far better to set a level you are happy with from the outset, less confusing for them too.

I think I'd avoid agreeing to anything regular to start with. Occasional dinners at yours, when it suits you. This can then evolve into a regular thing - again if it suits you to do this
If you sign up for something now which solves a bit of his childcare problem, he'll be pushing to increase it.
He needs to sort out proper childcare. Then work out when/if the stepkids see you. At the moment he's conflating the two.
You aren't being mean at all

I'd say ad hoc OP there will be times where your either not able to do the days you've agreed to or you just don't want to which is fine! But if you agree to a schedule and you have to change it at the last minute I can imagine your ex kicking off over it!

@EccentricaGalumbits

You could commit to dinner one a week/fortnight for example without locking in a particular day, that will give you some flexibility based on what else is going on in your life.

You have a great opportunity to be Disney stepmum here! All fun stuff and leave the drudgery for him, he deserves it.

Cross posted - this is exactly it (just beautifully concise!)

I agree no practical parenting (school runs/overnights). I think seeing them would be kind and beneficial to all 3 children.

Probably scheduled as less to discuss or opportunity to for him to increase overtime. Also manages dcs expectations so they aren't asking to come more which may may you feel guilty. So every second Wednesday or similar would be my choice if I were you.

Very tricky and sensitive situation for you OP.
Think it is important to get the contractual arrangements agreed whereby you have no parenting responsibility at all for your DSCs. Separately I think you should point out to them you hope to keep seeing them and maintain a relationship, whilst pointing out to ex that it will be when it suits you and the kids and not when it suits him.

I think it's a great idea that you should go round to his and let him cook for you.

Or if your child is going there overnight, perhaps go and spend a couple of hours with them (while he's there, too) when you drop off and pick up.

I really feel for the children - I'd be furious at him, in your situation. You told him, you warned him, and he just took you for granted.

Imagine you do meet a new man. Explaining you have commitments to your own dc, and someone else's, and keeping the arrangements made x years ago.
Explain to the dc the split isn't their fault and move on.

I would not schedule anything.

You are not the children’s mother your need to put yourself and your child first.

You can tell the DC you will see them. And then play it by ear invite them over when you want to.

I’d definitely not be doing a fortnightly or regular dinner and definitely no overnights on a schedule.

You could have a job change, you could get a new partner you could have more kids. And he’d be palming his kids off on you still as it’s ‘your turn’.

Now no no.

Start with nothing, then make arrangements on your terms as and when and if you want.

Everyone on here trying to tell you to commit your time in doing childcare for someone else’s kids would be up in arms of friends expected them to do regular childcare.

Also will you have a house big enough to have three kids? And again is he going to pay you for feeding and housing his kids on a regular basis?

Develop a friendly relationship with the kids but I would not discipline or parent them in any way at all whatsoever. They’re not your DC, you have absolutely no say if he decides tomorrow his next girlfriend wants to play mum/skivvy and cuts you out.

I would schedule it, but with an end date in writing. I say this because yes, it's unfair, but the kids are having their life upended and the person who looked after them leaving with their baby sibling, so consistency and certainty as they adjust is, I think, really important in the interests of the children, even if it may also benefit their arse of a father.

So, "As a transitional thing to support the children, I will have them fortnightly, on every other Wednesday for supper until March 1st 2022. You are to drop them off at 5, and then collect them by 8.30 so I can get DD to bed in good time. This rigid scheduling won't work for me beyond that and I will need to see what my own commitments are when working out when I can see them, however the change is going to be demanding for everyone so consistency for this set period of time seems suitable."

No, don't be going round to his and playing happy families. That's confusing for everyone. You no longer have a relationship with him but you are facilitating contact between your child and his children. Ad hoc dinner at yours once a fortnight. And IF you decide to arrange an afternoon out with them or a sleepover or whatever at some point you can but do not commit to anything.

And it's not school pick up either.

Also let him know if he takes the piss in any way (is stuck late at work so can't collect from school/wants you to have them to sleepover), the arrangement is nullified.

So, they've been abandoned by their mother, their father hasn't particularly been interested and now their stepmother only wants to know on a limited basis.

I'm sorry, but I feel really sorry for those kids.

I know you want to (understandingly) withdraw support from your lazy ex but I think you need to be the bigger person here for the kids sake. You have been a constant presence in their lives from they were young. It would be cruel and very damaging to withdraw from their lives.

could you do one weekend a month ? Just find something that suits you and so you can all still have contact ?

it does seem sad if they feel they have been abandoned twice ?