Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Possibly a sensitive topic but AIBU to say no to this?

999 replies

JudgeJerry · 17/08/2021 12:05

Have lurked here for a little while but my first post.

My husband and I are separating. There is a whole host of reasons for this but one of the big ones is I just felt like I got no help from him with anything, he was always working and everything else was left to me (I also work). Resentment was starting to build massively and he has never done anything to change things despite us going over this so many times, suggesting counselling etc...

We have one DC together and my husband has two older DC from a previous relationship who live with him full time and see their mother on a very ad-hoc basis, contact with their DM has been this way for about 4 years now (issues I won't go into here).

We are trying to arrange contact arrangements with our DC, and we have been arguing basically about my DSC. He thinks it would be right for them to continue having some form of schedule to see myself and their half sibling. I do not agree. They will obviously still see their half sibling, our DC, when they go to their Dad's but I don't see why this needs to involve me.

Whilst I do care for my step children, this is one of the things that caused so many issues in our relationship, that I felt he pushed everything onto me in regards to the children, I basically took over everything and he didn't change a thing. Which is something that seems to be common place from my reading on here.

I highly suspect he is saying this is 'right and fair' so that he continues getting help from me with childcare.

Quite honestly I'm just ready for a clean break or as clean a break as we can possibly manage with DC in the mix and, whilst I don't mind the occasional tea with me and DC or whatever, I do not want to put myself in the position of committing to contact or a schedule with his older children.

I appreciate though it's going to be big changes for everyone and probably a lot of upset. I did take on the role a mother probably would in terms of practical care for DSC day to day but they certainly don't see me as their Mum and still very much love their DM despite the issues.

I just don't know what to do for the best.

OP posts:
MiddleParking · 17/08/2021 12:53

Their schedule to see your younger DC will be the same as his contact schedule with your DC, surely. And there’s no reasonable argument at all that they need a ‘schedule’ to see you - especially as they don’t have that with their own mother. It doesn’t mean you have to never see them. Your instincts that he wants to manipulate you into continuing to provide free childcare are correct.

Original poster
JudgeJerry · 17/08/2021 12:53

So don;t box yourself in now, or take on more than you want now, but maybe later things will evolve in a happy way

Very true thank you.

OP posts:
lannistunut · 17/08/2021 12:53

Maybe one overnight a week would be nice for all the kids though? Then just leave him to it the rest of the time.

What you absolutely do NOT want by the sound of it is for him to be able to ask you for favours e.g. school runs etc?

Mrsmadevans · 17/08/2021 12:54

@DeathStare

I think you are being really mean. You have been the mother-figure to those children and withdraw that relationship from them just because their dad is an asshole is a horrible thing to do to them.
THIS with knobs on
TheGumption · 17/08/2021 12:54

Bless you, this sounds so hard. I think you need to set very firm boundaries in terms if what you are willing to do. If he sees any weakness I think he'll take full advantage and next thing you know, you'll be having 50/50 custody of kids that aren't yours!
Stay firm OP.

Original poster
JudgeJerry · 17/08/2021 12:56

Their schedule to see your younger DC will be the same as his contact schedule with your DC, surely.

Yes but it will of course mean they go from living with their sibling full time as they do now to not doing and only seeing them when they have contact with their Dad. We haven't worked out exactly what that will be yet but it will be majority time with me which he isn't arguing with.

OP posts:
milkyaqua · 17/08/2021 12:56

So he wants you to carry on being their carer even though you are no longer in a relationship with him - to make life easier for him? That's a ridiculous expectation.

Your children can still be in their life when they see them with him; and you can still obviously be a loving influence to some degree for them. Divorce/separation is upsetting for everyone - that doesn't mean you have to sacrifice your own life to make things easier for him.

MattyGroves · 17/08/2021 12:56

Your instincts are spot on. No to regular formal dumping them on you for childcare because he can't be bothered to parent. Yes to ad hoc visits or days out - when it suits you - to maintain the relationship, maybe once a fortnight. I would work hard to make sure you don't do more than once a week or do overnights. If the kids miss each other, offer to drop your joint child off to him

Auntycorruption · 17/08/2021 12:58

I've separated from step kids before.

It works when you can be the fun adult, but you absolutely can't be a "parent" any more.
Your ex will need to work that out for himself - he's the one with the drudge work and the responsibility now, you get to dip in and take them for days out / sleepovers at your convenience

EL8888 · 17/08/2021 12:58

No, just no. Absolutely fine for all half siblings to have contact but he will be co-ordinating and facilitating that. Not you. This is a further example of his laziness. I can see why you want out!

Original poster
JudgeJerry · 17/08/2021 12:58

PPs raise a good point too which I hadn't really given much headspace about what a mess it would be if new partners came along too. That is miles and miles from where my head is but I obviously can't control him or who he chooses to bring along.

OP posts:
Fernando072020 · 17/08/2021 12:59

Sorry if I've misunderstood but am I right in saying that you had the DSC full time for the last 4 years?
Yanbu to refuse to take them to cover your husband's back. But could it be after so much time with you, they feel connected to you and want to see you? Would you be willing to have them twice a month to stay or something similar?
Of course you're not there to look after them all the time or cover for your husband. But if it were for them (and it sounds like they've had plenty of rejection from their own mother?), Maybe agreeing to a limited amount of time to still see them might make a big difference to them

BrilloPaddy · 17/08/2021 13:00

I think you need to keep them in your life, for your DC's sake.

But it will be on your terms, and not his. Start off with strong boundaries, and it will be fine. They're half siblings and it would be really sad to leave their relationship in the hands of your ex given how lazy he's turned out to be..........

Morechocolatethanbarbara · 17/08/2021 13:00

He is being hugely unreasonable here.

He had the option of having you as his partner when you got married. However, instead of treating you as an equal, he treated you as a maid/skivvy/nanny to his DC.

You are not now reverting to the partnership you agreed upon marriage, he broke the partnership and you are divorcing; the only joint responsibility you have is to your joint child.

In the long term you may wish to keep an ad hoc relationship with your DSC (it sounds like they'd benefit from that) but that certainly shouldn't be a starting point. That should be a place you get to as and when he proves he can co-parent your joint child effectively.

Original poster
JudgeJerry · 17/08/2021 13:00

Can I ask the PPs who think I'm mean, what they'd have me do? Genuinely I want to hear everyone's opinions.

OP posts:
BooomShakeTheRoom · 17/08/2021 13:00

He's a cheeky bastard.

Once a month for dinner round yours sounds lovely and perfectly plenty to keep a close relationship with them. You don't owe anyone anymore and they'll understand when older (and probably now tbh) why it's not more than that.

They're his kids. He chose to have them, he cares for them.

Abouttoblow · 17/08/2021 13:04

A good way to get perspective would be to think about what he would do if you had 2 children from a previous relationship and he only had your joint DC. Would he be asking to continue seeing them regularly, having them overnight and doing the school run for them?

I'd bet money that he wouldn't.

nevernotstruggling · 17/08/2021 13:05

So in a similar set up I'm the mum of the older children. I had no expectation that the mum of my dds younger ds would host them at her house. The kids see each other at their shared father.

My dds stepmother couldn't wait to get shot of the dds and this smarted a bit but actually I get on much better with my exh now and the kids see each other quite a bit.

The absent mother aspect isn't the same but you get the idea.

MilduraS · 17/08/2021 13:05

I agree with a previous suggestions. Respond to say you're happy to invite them to join you every once in a while for outings but you're not prepared to commit to regular care of his children. I'd be reluctant to say "and they can always contact me if they want to visit" if he's the type to push them into calling you because he wants some time alone.

Supersimkin2 · 17/08/2021 13:05

He's deranged.

Presumably bringing-up-his-kids-free was why he married you - and why you left when you noticed.

I'd talk to his family and tell them clearly what's going on. They might want to help. If not, it's on them when Child Services knock on his door.

NewlyGranny · 17/08/2021 13:07

OP, do not sign up to anything regular! He is an entitled, exploiter by the sound of it.

Tell him and the children's DM that you don't want to lose touch with the DSC you know so well, so you will be inviting them over to visit now and then when it's convenient for you and your DC.

Make sure you are clear that it will not be regular, nor will it ever be at their request. It will be social visits, not childminding duties. They need to know not to build you into their childcare routine, nor to call on you in an emergency.

That way you are friendly and kind but not burdened or committed. No family court would ever mandate contact with what are now in fact ex-stepchildren.

RoseAndRose · 17/08/2021 13:08

@JudgeJerry

Can I ask the PPs who think I'm mean, what they'd have me do? Genuinely I want to hear everyone's opinions.
You've been the major maternal figure in these DCs lives, for as long as the younger one can remember, and close to that for the 8yo.

I could not conscience disappearing from their lives.

So I would be assuring them that I'd always be 'Auntie Rose' and that I'd be working with their DDad to make sure they are OK, and that they can see DC everytime he's with DDad, and that you'll invite them over lots as well.

I would not specify at this stage what is meant by 'lots' and would frame it in terms of inviting them over as part of a consistent line that they are very welcome, but on terms and at times that suit us. And indeed it would be lots in the early days.

But it would not involve ferrying around (not for a long time, as the risk of taking the piss is too high, but if/when thatbcincern fades, I'd become more willing). Overnights rarely (pretty much never unless emergency)

nc273 · 17/08/2021 13:08

Once a week for dinner at yours? He would need to drop off and pick up. Then you would see them regularly, and wouldn't be doing childcare and they wouldn't feel left out. Don't let him land you with all the childcare, just make sure they don't feel rejected as you have been a big part of their lives.

Original poster
JudgeJerry · 17/08/2021 13:10

You've been the major maternal figure in these DCs lives, for as long as the younger one can remember, and close to that for the 8yo.

I think there is a slight misunderstanding. They were 5 & 8 when they moved in with us. That was 4 years ago, they are now 9 & 12.

OP posts:
C8H10N4O2 · 17/08/2021 13:10

Haha - he wants you to keep providing free childcare during his contact time?

OP they will have contact with sibling when sibling is with DH. If you all have a good relationship then nothing wrong with encouraging visits both ways and keeping in touch with them.
But do not get sucked into being default parent and carer for children who already have two parents to care for them and who need to step up and parent. At some point you may want to move on with life and find a new partner - what happens then?