Possibly a sensitive topic but AIBU to say no to this?

[JudgeJerry]

Have lurked here for a little while but my first post.

My husband and I are separating. There is a whole host of reasons for this but one of the big ones is I just felt like I got no help from him with anything, he was always working and everything else was left to me (I also work). Resentment was starting to build massively and he has never done anything to change things despite us going over this so many times, suggesting counselling etc...

We have one DC together and my husband has two older DC from a previous relationship who live with him full time and see their mother on a very ad-hoc basis, contact with their DM has been this way for about 4 years now (issues I won't go into here).

We are trying to arrange contact arrangements with our DC, and we have been arguing basically about my DSC. He thinks it would be right for them to continue having some form of schedule to see myself and their half sibling. I do not agree. They will obviously still see their half sibling, our DC, when they go to their Dad's but I don't see why this needs to involve me.

Whilst I do care for my step children, this is one of the things that caused so many issues in our relationship, that I felt he pushed everything onto me in regards to the children, I basically took over everything and he didn't change a thing. Which is something that seems to be common place from my reading on here.

I highly suspect he is saying this is 'right and fair' so that he continues getting help from me with childcare.

Quite honestly I'm just ready for a clean break or as clean a break as we can possibly manage with DC in the mix and, whilst I don't mind the occasional tea with me and DC or whatever, I do not want to put myself in the position of committing to contact or a schedule with his older children.

I appreciate though it's going to be big changes for everyone and probably a lot of upset. I did take on the role a mother probably would in terms of practical care for DSC day to day but they certainly don't see me as their Mum and still very much love their DM despite the issues.

I just don't know what to do for the best.

I would say you can point out to him that the siblings will have plenty of time together when they are at his for his contact time with your dc! Maybe arrange that first then discuss when you can occasionally have his for dinner once in a while. It does sound like he wants you to continue to look after them so he doesn't have to. It's not your fault that the only purpose you have in his life is to care for his kids so he doesn't have to. The relationship break down is on him and you shouldn't feel responsible.

I mean that visits to you would never be at the parents' request. If the DSC have your number and want to see you, it must be on you to say no or yes and when and for how long, or you might find the parents use the children to push you for regular slots.

"Our DC will see their siblings when they are at yours, ex-DH. Of course I won't cut all contact with your DC, ex-DH, but it wouldn't be sensible for that to be formalised in a contact schedule, rather it will naturally fall out of what works best for everyone. You'll need to factor in your future relationships and leave space for your future partner who won't want to feel excluded by DSC's DM and by your ex too."

If the children have been living with you full time, then it would be really hard for them to feel you no longer have any interest in their well-being and don't want to see them

But I can understand your reluctance to commit to a regular arrangement

I would say that their schedule to see each other will be the same as the schedule for when he sees DC. Ie. It's up to him to facilitate their relationship during his contact time. If he is going for every other weekend and part of the school holidays then you could always say you're willing for him to choose which weeks of the summer holidays he wants so he can make sure they match up.

If you want to you could say you'll see how it goes and suggest casual arrangements for you to meet up with his children. But it might be better for them to have the boundaries made clear at the begging and build from there.

I think you need to take your feelings towards him out of the equation and consider what you would like for yourself and the DSC.

Personally I think they are going to feel so rejected and confused if there is a hard stop in contact with you.

I know you are divorcing their father but they have been in your life full time for a very long time and presumably you care for them and they care for you?

Perhaps think about what you would be happy offering to them (not your ex even though he will benefit from it) and moving forward with that.

FWIW, let's hope his love now of what's right and fair represents a fundamental change and he steps up with all his DC.

I wonder whether they see you as more of a mother figure than you realise, given they rarely see their actual mother.

If they are sick in school, who goes to help them? If they wake up in the night, who do they call on?

It's difficult because I think if you kept up a lot of contact with the children, you'd end up babysitting while he goes off on dates - and then when the new wife comes along (which really wouldn't be long) you'd be expected to do a disappearing act (or babysit while they both go out.)

He must think you were born yesterday.

Crikey it sounds very complicated but the poor children. I feel sorry for all.concerned except their father.

This is one of the saddest scenarios I've encountered. Their mother didn't want or couldn't care for them and they may feel similarly about their dsm in due course. Presumably due to their father's track record it will all happen over again in about five years.

Seriously, might a good state boarding school like Royal Hospital be a pragmatic option to provide them with some lasting stability?

@HollowTalk it's tough isn't it as we'd hope the children's interests would always come first for all the adults though the OP's ex presumably didn't think this way for all the years he didn't pull his weight and given the nature of his request now, it looks like he hasn't changed yet.

Wow what a tough one. I think this is something you have to navigate carefully with lots of thought, as you are doing. I would be quite resistant to his idea of you parenting his kids on any formal basis. He clearly would like you to have them the majority of the time too, so that he can carry on his happy lifestyle, free of responsibility. I would have a long hard think about how much you'd like and are happy to see his kids, how often etc. ands if you can work out a routine you're happy with. The last thing I'm sure you'd want them to feel is abandoned, so saying to them that while you're not their mum, you want to see them regularly will help them with this transition. Your ex sounds like a massive selfish twerp.

Why is the OP getting all the grief while their mother , who has chosen not to have regular contact, is handed a free pass?

It’s an awful situation, but it does sound as though dear daddy is seeing the OP as an easy option for child care rather than finding, and funding, other arrangements. Very nasty of him to pull the emotional strings about the siblings not seeing each .

Dinner at yours or a day out sometimes = fair.

You continuing to do something that was one of the main causes of your separation AFTER the separation = not fair.

He can't be bothered to pay/organise childcare and I would be setting some VERY firm boundaries immediately.

Maybe think about it from the point of view of what is good for your DC too.

So obviously it would be nice for your SC to have their DSS over to their house too sometimes as well as seeing them at their dad’s.

But that would very much be additional to time at their dad’s and on a “fun and friends” type basis. By which I mean it’s like you are hosting a get together or sleepover for friends of your DC, not that you are de facto parent.

So many over for tea once a week or once a fortnight and a sleepover once a fortnight or once a month. Maybe in an ad hoc basis rather than a regular schedule.

Also think through if he will get shirty about seeing your DC if you don’t play ball. If he does that he’s a bad bastard, highly manipulative and you’ll need to have your wits about you.

Anyway, I think there are also two other factors here 1) As DC approach teen years they are likely to want to get more involved with their own friends etc and the contact with you might naturally drop-off 2) Your STBXH sounds fairly likely to get in tow with someone else pdq, for the childcare aspect of nothing else, as it sounds like he thinks female partner=childcare

So part of the reason you’re divorcing him is that, from when his (then primary aged) children came to live with him full time 4 years ago, he dumped all the day to day care and responsibility for parenting them onto you though you were both working? And he presumably does the same with your shared child? And he thinks that you’ll continue to carry the weight of the parenting even though you’re divorcing him because of it? He’s utterly deluded.

It would be lovely if he actually listened to what you’ve said and made some changes to his life but I suspect he’ll find a new partner to be the nanny/housekeeper.

It must be really hard for the SC. You might not be their mother but you are their constant, stable parent figure - the one who has made sure they’re clean and fed and the one that can be relied on. If you can face it I think it would be good for them to have regular, scheduled contact with you. I know that you don’t want to become the go to for after school care etc. It could be an overnight visit twice a month, but something that is on the calendar and planned that they can count on.

Sorry meant “nice for your DC too”

@lannistunut

I do feel very sorry for the DSCs. I am not saying that makes it your job to fix - there dad should absolutely be stepping up to sort them out - but I think it will be hard for them.

Same here. I imagine their shit father is going to find another woman ASAP to foist them on and so on until they've lost a string of "mothers." Poor kids. But that's on him, not the OP.

@Immunetypegoblin

Seeing them occasionally, because you want to - fine. Continuing to be their second mum because their dad is a lazy shit - not fine.

YANBU!

Agree with this!

Definitely no overnight stays or school runs! You'll be committed for years. If you begin as you mean to go on, you can be generous later if you feel like it, but if you agree to anything regular, the feckless parents will simply rely on your free labour and you will be left resenting it.

If he kicks off, well, he should have appreciated what he had, shouldn't he? It's his job to sort care for his older children, not yours to provide it. You days of facilitating his work and leisure times are over when the marriage is.

He won't like the changes, naturally, but that's his problem, not yours. Practise saying in the mirror, "Not my problem."

I would commit to going to his place once a month with all the children for dinner (he cooks). The kids get to see you, you get a nice dinner, brilliant.

I can imagine that even when seeing them regularly at their fathers' house, your resident DC might sometimes want to invite their half siblings back to your home to see their room/new toy/pet as they would a school friend. Maybe even the odd (like, once or twice a year) sleepover, in the same vein. It would be nice for both sets of children for you to facilitate this.
Your responsibility to supervise the stepchildren ends there.

Thanks everyone, really appreciate the replies.

So say I said they could come for tea every now and then, would you think it better to be ad-hoc, or scheduled i.e. every second Wednesday or something? I am so reluctant to schedule off my time like that for him but I do hear what PPs are saying about what's best for DC even if it ends up benefitting him.

I'd want to protect the children's emotional well-being and I'd like to think that in this situation my Mother would for my half sibling.
So a phased winding back on the relationship. Organised visits, so they know were they stand and if the eldest is female then I'd offer support going into the teen years. But it would be about my relationship with them and not for his benefit.

Definitely no overnight stays or school runs! You'll be committed for years

Oh yes I definitely agree with this. I think any practical 'parenting' is now off the cards, it just opens up far too many opportunities to be taken advantage of.