Possibly a sensitive topic but AIBU to say no to this?

[JudgeJerry]

Have lurked here for a little while but my first post.

My husband and I are separating. There is a whole host of reasons for this but one of the big ones is I just felt like I got no help from him with anything, he was always working and everything else was left to me (I also work). Resentment was starting to build massively and he has never done anything to change things despite us going over this so many times, suggesting counselling etc...

We have one DC together and my husband has two older DC from a previous relationship who live with him full time and see their mother on a very ad-hoc basis, contact with their DM has been this way for about 4 years now (issues I won't go into here).

We are trying to arrange contact arrangements with our DC, and we have been arguing basically about my DSC. He thinks it would be right for them to continue having some form of schedule to see myself and their half sibling. I do not agree. They will obviously still see their half sibling, our DC, when they go to their Dad's but I don't see why this needs to involve me.

Whilst I do care for my step children, this is one of the things that caused so many issues in our relationship, that I felt he pushed everything onto me in regards to the children, I basically took over everything and he didn't change a thing. Which is something that seems to be common place from my reading on here.

I highly suspect he is saying this is 'right and fair' so that he continues getting help from me with childcare.

Quite honestly I'm just ready for a clean break or as clean a break as we can possibly manage with DC in the mix and, whilst I don't mind the occasional tea with me and DC or whatever, I do not want to put myself in the position of committing to contact or a schedule with his older children.

I appreciate though it's going to be big changes for everyone and probably a lot of upset. I did take on the role a mother probably would in terms of practical care for DSC day to day but they certainly don't see me as their Mum and still very much love their DM despite the issues.

I just don't know what to do for the best.

We touched on that a bit actually, about him finding someone else sooner rather than later, when I was having counselling.

You'd be doing them a favour if you suggested to him that this time he keeps it professional, draws up a contract and pays them a decent hourly wage. Setting out deliberately to find someone to exploit for unpaid labour is financial abuse.

@JudgeJerry when my ex met another woman very soon after I asked for a separation, I had to stop myself telling her ‘thanks, you’ve done me a huge favour!’

@Clymene

"He is just using you for child care. I'd have a clean break and he can ensure they're all together when he has your child. They are not your responsibility"

Just one example of where this has been suggested. I'm not scrolling through the rest of the thread to find more. I'm not making things up and there is no argument. The OP has decided what she wants to do.

Maybe the difference here, in some people minds, the ones berating the OP, is because there is no real mother in terms of her being on hand, involved, etc.

@SunshineCake

Maybe the difference here, in some people minds, the ones berating the OP, is because there is no real mother in terms of her being on hand, involved, etc.

Which is disgusting isn't it. Instead of being angry at their actual mother or father, but lay into the woman who stepped in when their parents couldn't be arsed. Just because she's a woman and she "should" love and care unconditionally for these children who she had no say in parenting and who would have been in a really shit situation without her these past few years!

[quote DancingQueen85]@Clymene

"He is just using you for child care. I'd have a clean break and he can ensure they're all together when he has your child. They are not your responsibility"

Just one example of where this has been suggested. I'm not scrolling through the rest of the thread to find more. I'm not making things up and there is no argument. The OP has decided what she wants to do. [/quote]
Yes but the OP isn't planning on cutting them off permanently @DancingQueen85 so it matters not what other people say

Excellent update.

So delighted that you have great support and are going to be able to move out quickly.

He has taken your 20's but you will soon be free of him.

If you can afford counselling I would consider it.

You do sound focused and very self aware.

I suppose you have really had to grow up.

I think you are going to be simply stunned at how much easier your life is going to be when you leave.

So many young women like you whom get used for childcare, waste their life stuck.

You are very brave to have realised that a bully targeted you.

If he ups the ante with grumpiness, suggest you move out sooner.

Do nothing for him now and insist he step up immediately or YOU will just go and stay with your parents.

Accept zero bullshit from him.

I assume everyone laying into the OP is a registered and active foster carer, given we all apparently have a moral obligation to put our own lives aside for the benefit of other peoples children

hi OP - I would probably decide on something which involves the least coordination possible with your ex. ie. a regular time whether once or a fortnight or once a week so it's always the same. I would even consider pick up at school and drop off the next day to ensure that you don't have to be in touch with him. It's very freeing to not have to be in contact!

I think adhoc is dangerous because then you have to message all the time to arrange and that's where the slippage comes in. As kids get older you can arrange more adhoc things. I would also definitely NOT do dinner at his house. Keep it all separate.

It's the equivalent of me randomly dumping my child with someone because I can't be arsed to parent them, and because that person is a decent human being they step up and care for my child, only to have enough of this expectation further down the line and hand them back to me or their other parent. No one would criticise that person in that situation- I'd be the one (rightly) being criticised in that scenario. It's neither here nor there that OP was in a relationship with the person who dumped his kids on her. She's entitled to take her life back without guilt.

@loulous1985

I am more horrified that some people think the OP should see more of her step kids than her ex is planning to see of their joint child. The internalised sexism is incredible

Isn't it just 🙄

This!

I think adhoc is dangerous because then you have to message all the time to arrange and that's where the slippage comes in.

I think ad hoc is actually a good way of doing things if you want the flexibility. You just have to say remain firm and say no if it doesn’t suit you. I think a set arrangement ties you in a lot more and may even start to breed resentment as the OP’s life moves on and evolves.

My exdsc messages me sometimes asking if they can come for tea, and sometimes I have had to say no.
I like the hoc thing because I wouldn’t want to be committing every Tuesday evening to them or every Saturday afternoon to them etc…

Op these children will be connected to you for life. You simply cannot act like their mother one day and then you don't want to know them the next day.
How soul destroying for these poor children.
It doesn't matter if these children see yo as their mother or not,or that they still love their mother.
You were a constant female mother figure in their lives.
You are basically telling these children that you only put up with them because you were with their dad.
You have no idea how damaging this is to a child.
Please op, grow up and include these children,your child's only siblings,in your lives.
This is not just about you and dh

This thread is nearly full so best to ignore the people bringing it back right to the start of the discussion. Like others I think your plan is very measured and appropriate OP, and I think it's fantastic you are reclaiming your life. I wish you all the best with your newfound freedom!

@douliket

Op these children will be connected to you for life. You simply cannot act like their mother one day and then you don't want to know them the next day. How soul destroying for these poor children. It doesn't matter if these children see yo as their mother or not,or that they still love their mother. You were a constant female mother figure in their lives. You are basically telling these children that you only put up with them because you were with their dad. You have no idea how damaging this is to a child. Please op, grow up and include these children,your child's only siblings,in your lives. This is not just about you and dh

They are connected to their half sibling, OPs child for life and they will continue to have a relationship with that sibling via their shared father.

What are you suggesting? OP continue to play full time mother to two children she has no legal rights over? It's a silly expectation and one that likely wouldn't work in reality.

@douliket

Op these children will be connected to you for life. You simply cannot act like their mother one day and then you don't want to know them the next day. How soul destroying for these poor children. It doesn't matter if these children see yo as their mother or not,or that they still love their mother. You were a constant female mother figure in their lives. You are basically telling these children that you only put up with them because you were with their dad. You have no idea how damaging this is to a child. Please op, grow up and include these children,your child's only siblings,in your lives. This is not just about you and dh

How dare you tell the OP to grow up. The OP shouldn't have had to act like the mother in the first place.... Two biological parents and it's still the OP getting stick.

A clean break does not mean 'cutting off' the DSC.

OP will see and speak to them on an ad hoc basis.

This thread really reminds me of the one where a homeless person was living in someone's shed and a poster was outraged the OP would not move out of her own house and hand her home over to the homeless person.

All this sanctimonious crap about damaging the DC, not a single poster would put their mental and physical wellbeing on the line for the sake of someone else's DC despite the bleating on here.

The DC are palmed off by their father he'll just have to step up when there's no skivvy around to do it for him.

Pity the father refuses to grow up and look after his children.

MN thankfully is NOT reflective of real life for me.

I have never come across such a misogynistic place.🙄

Thank goodness the OP is too clever to take on board such bullshit views.

Please op, grow up and include these children,your child's only siblings,in your lives.
This is not just about you and dh

Indeed, since it is absolutely everything to do with the children's parents, I'd file the care snd stability you have given them over the years you were with their father under no good deed going unpunished

@JudgeJerry I'm glad you've been able to come to a decision that works for you - you need to be strong now! Also, be aware that this thread is nearly full - you might be happy to let it fill up and be done but if you want to keep the discussion going, you'll need to start another one.

If anyone ever wondered if they were doing the right thing by remaining semi detached and out of the parenting drudge work for their DSC, this thread is a magnificent golden reminder that you are doing the right thing.
Doubt I've ever read such emotionally manipulative nonsense, even on MN.

It's been really helpful chatting to everyone so I've started another thread in case I need you all again!!

I'm not sure how to link it sorry.

You sound very mature and compassionate, OP.

Incidentally I recognise Qwerty as they posted some rather odd responses to me on another thread recently -- they were convinced I was lying about something, and just kept repeating statements to that effect. It takes all sorts to make up MN, but rest assured that your approach seems entirely justified to the vast majority of us who have read this thread.

@frazzledasarock

A clean break does not mean 'cutting off' the DSC.

OP will see and speak to them on an ad hoc basis.

This thread really reminds me of the one where a homeless person was living in someone's shed and a poster was outraged the OP would not move out of her own house and hand her home over to the homeless person.

All this sanctimonious crap about damaging the DC, not a single poster would put their mental and physical wellbeing on the line for the sake of someone else's DC despite the bleating on here.

The DC are palmed off by their father he'll just have to step up when there's no skivvy around to do it for him.

It also reminds me of the one where a poster was splitting up from her useless partner who was expecting to leave her with his daughter (her SD) whilst he moved in with his new girlfriend! The SD had been nothing but rude to the OP and made the other children’s lives a misery.

The number of replies to this saying the OP had a moral duty to house the SD until she no longer wanted to live there no matter what, was staggering. Especially as the SD was clear she wouldn’t obey any rules that the OP had as she wasn’t her mum!