Possibly a sensitive topic but AIBU to say no to this?

[JudgeJerry]

Have lurked here for a little while but my first post.

My husband and I are separating. There is a whole host of reasons for this but one of the big ones is I just felt like I got no help from him with anything, he was always working and everything else was left to me (I also work). Resentment was starting to build massively and he has never done anything to change things despite us going over this so many times, suggesting counselling etc...

We have one DC together and my husband has two older DC from a previous relationship who live with him full time and see their mother on a very ad-hoc basis, contact with their DM has been this way for about 4 years now (issues I won't go into here).

We are trying to arrange contact arrangements with our DC, and we have been arguing basically about my DSC. He thinks it would be right for them to continue having some form of schedule to see myself and their half sibling. I do not agree. They will obviously still see their half sibling, our DC, when they go to their Dad's but I don't see why this needs to involve me.

Whilst I do care for my step children, this is one of the things that caused so many issues in our relationship, that I felt he pushed everything onto me in regards to the children, I basically took over everything and he didn't change a thing. Which is something that seems to be common place from my reading on here.

I highly suspect he is saying this is 'right and fair' so that he continues getting help from me with childcare.

Quite honestly I'm just ready for a clean break or as clean a break as we can possibly manage with DC in the mix and, whilst I don't mind the occasional tea with me and DC or whatever, I do not want to put myself in the position of committing to contact or a schedule with his older children.

I appreciate though it's going to be big changes for everyone and probably a lot of upset. I did take on the role a mother probably would in terms of practical care for DSC day to day but they certainly don't see me as their Mum and still very much love their DM despite the issues.

I just don't know what to do for the best.

Fuck that shit.

He's not urging you to continue the relationship for the benefit of the children, it's purely so he can palm them off on you instead of stepping up and being a dad.

It's disgusting, quite frankly. And categorically not your problem.

I would not cut off the SC. I would not arrange regular set childcare dates. I will get together with them every so often and take them out for treats,

@Abouttoblow

A good way to get perspective would be to think about what he would do if you had 2 children from a previous relationship and he only had your joint DC. Would he be asking to continue seeing them regularly, having them overnight and doing the school run for them?

I'd bet money that he wouldn't.

A fair point but just because he would be totally disinterested in this situation doesn't mean the OP has to be. There is surely a middle ground to be found here where OP sets up and keeps good boundaries but shows kindness and empathy to her own child's half siblings in whose lives she has been emeshed for a good length of time

I suggest they come over for tea once every two months. And not overnight.

Also, don’t be surprised if he tries to negotiate a reconciliation v soon.

I wouldn’t commit to anything at your house regularly-it sound like it would become an expectation from him.

Imagine if you said you’d do every Wednesday or every other one, @JudgeJerry. What do you think that would look like? How would they get to you? Would you be expected to pick them up from school and keep them till after dinner/bedtime? Overnight? School the next day? What if you were ill/away?

I just wouldn’t go there after what you’ve said about him using you. I think it would become an expectation you’ll resent.

Say you’ll come to his house for dinner once a month.

I don't know what to do for the best, truly

First and foremost you do what's best for you. And that's to stop being his fucking doormat. You have zero obligation to look after his kids once you separate. He's being a prick even suggesting it. You need a clean break and the only child you need to discuss is your joint one. If he's willing to do 50/50 care then the kids will see plenty of one another. If he's not then that's tough but it's on him. Do not enter into any structured access that involves his kids. Do not be available if he's late from work and calls you to pick them up, or he has to go away with work and expects you to mind his kids. Say no to his ridiculous demands now or you will still be looking after his kids for years to come.

And while it's not their fault the kids are being messed around, it's his fault for being a shit dad and husband. Don't take on the guilt he should be feeling.

Don't feel guilty over not wanting to provide someone with free child care. The dscs are not your responsibility. You have no parental rights, they have two parents who between them need to step up. Their emotional and day to day practical needs are the responsibility of their actual parents. It would be different if you had adopted them, but that isn't the case.
Stand firm, or you'll be guilted into more commitment than you want.

Don't schedule it. Keep it casual. If you want say you were thinking of having them round once a month like you would if it were school friends.

@Nanny0gg

So, they've been abandoned by their mother, their father hasn't particularly been interested and now their stepmother only wants to know on a limited basis.

I'm sorry, but I feel really sorry for those kids.

Absolutely their feckless useless father urgently needs to step up and be a dad and parent his children.

I would commit to one after school dinner a week to start with so they don’t feel abandoned, through no fault of their own. But make it clear that it is what works for you and after a few months it will be an advocacy evening a week letting them know, not a set day and things will move if you have plans. Don’t agree to school runs but you might find that in holidays the occasional weekend if your DC asks that you do have them for overnight stays etc and get to do fun stuff, be the Disney mum. If one is a DSD then they might appreciate having a female influence during puberty if she doesn’t have a close aunt etc

If he is the RP for his kids, and will be part time parenting the joint dc, surely they will be seeing quite a lot of each other. Each week at least, or up to 50% of the time depending on what has been arranged. So why would they need another night at OPs house?

Plus, is OP expected to maintain a house with two spare bedrooms, furniture, etc, as a NRP would?

You can book it in with him each month but you don't want him to rely on it always happening. And I don't think its fair on the children to have it regularly scheduled in either, once he finds someone else he may stop it and that will be harder on them. As hard as it is, they've managed to cope with the situation with their own mother.

Not your kids, not your problem imo. Maybe having to parent three alone will make him address some of the issues that broke down his relationships. And like you said he will have them all together. I would point out that maybe he should have listened to your concerns and thought more about his kids needs instead of leaving it all to you. Bit late for concern now. He sounds very selfish.

I wouldn't have anything specifically or officially scheduled but in practice would probably have a routine of having them over on a fairly regular basis but changeable to suit you.

And don't feel guilty about it. It was up to your ex to worry about their future when he behaved so badly towards you.

I think @Jennifer2r ‘s ‘he cooks dinner for you all’ solution is brilliant, and the DisneyStepmother description fits exactly what you should be aiming for. Emotional contact, no parenting!

So you have lived with and raised children for four years with no bond? That’s really sad.

Obviously he's a shit. "It's right and fair" that a stepmother should take responsibility for kids after a split, when it wasn't "right or fair" that he took responsibility for them before that split? Fuck off, clearly.

But the problem is, while it's outrageous of him, the reality exists that fairly young kids have had the OP as their primary carer for 4 years, with every expectation of that continuing, and while it's a mess and should never have reached that point, it has, and they are children. They are not to blame and not responsible.

There needs to be a middle way between him expecting her to be the mother in a split (but one who does daytime care, so he doesn't have child support - win all ways round for Himself) and casually seeing kids on an unreliable and occasional basis, when their second family implodes.

From the adult perspective, that's completely fair. But none of this is the children's fault - and the one thing you are told NOT to do when a parent is leaving is to have unreliable and ad hoc contact. It needs to be consistent so the children know where they stand, what's happening, and that the adult hasn't vanished.

OP, one plus point for that - if he asks for any more than you have offered in a schedule, you can say that they need reliability and consistency and that altering the arrangement in this transitional period is not in their interests, so no, he can do the childcare himself. It's only right and proper, after all!

I can see why this is such a wrench for you and the dsc. I can also see why you want to put your foot down now and I think you are absolutely doing the right thing. I wonder if he would be so keen to insist you are a ‘mother figure’ with a responsibility to the dc if you requested cm for them as well as your own.

I really feel for the dsc but he needs to take responsibility now for these kids. Although I strongly suspect it won’t be too long before he has another ‘mother’ lined up to pick up his slack. Ad-hoc is best at this stage. If you or dc want to see them then of course you can, but nothing set in stone. Don’t let him continue to take advantage of you.

I wouldn’t agree to any of this. I see some people are saying do it for a transition period but this will only confuse them.

Make it clear to him that the DSC will not have bedrooms in your new place.

Your child will see their siblings regularly if they visit their dad lots. The only extra I would do on top of this is occasional days out if you think it’s something all 3 might enjoy like a funfair or zoo or something.

Beyond that I would treat them like one of your child’s friends- the occasional after school play date when arranged and maybe some reciprocated babysitting occasionally.

@JudgeJerry

Can I ask the PPs who think I'm mean, what they'd have me do? Genuinely I want to hear everyone's opinions.

Focus on the needs of the children at least as much as your own issues with your husband for a start. Your OP doesn't seem to consider their feelings at all.

IT's all very well saying they aren;t you children, but when you had them to live with you full time you accepted a large role in their life, of your own free will. You had a child that is their sibling. You can't just dump them because you're angry at your husband.

I think its a shame for the children ,you say they adore their half brother.Sounds like they have had a raw deal up to now with their own Mum.However this is not your problem .What about your own child though ,would they miss the contact with their siblings? I think maybe an EOW to have them come over for now .In a few months (say after Christmas) maybe go to once a month and some of the holidays .I appreciate that you do not want them foisted upon you ,however they are still part of DS family ,thats the situation .You will need to make sure these arrangements are strictly adhered to .

@Jennifer2r

I would commit to going to his place once a month with all the children for dinner (he cooks). The kids get to see you, you get a nice dinner, brilliant.

I mean, maybe the OP wouldn't mind, but in her shoes I'd rather chew glass than commit to dinner several times a year with a man she wants a clean break from.

They came to live with their father full time @Qwerty789. The OP was already living there. And now she's leaving him because he's a lazy sod.

Why do women always have to pick up the pieces that lazy men drop?

@JudgeJerry

Thanks everyone, really appreciate the replies.

So say I said they could come for tea every now and then, would you think it better to be ad-hoc, or scheduled i.e. every second Wednesday or something? I am so reluctant to schedule off my time like that for him but I do hear what PPs are saying about what's best for DC even if it ends up benefitting him.

Definitely ad hoc.

The problem with trying to schedule something once a week or whatever is that in order for this setup to work, you'd need their father to accept it and respect your boundaries, rather than continually try to erode them so you'll do more.

You don't have that, because your STBXH feels entitled to significant parenting input from you. So he'll just try and get you to do more, and more, and more. And there isn't actually anything you can do to change the situation to facilitate this setup being possible either: it's entirely his fault.

What needs to happen in order for you to be able to continue a positive relationship with the DSC, given that you're (rightly) not willing to essentially coparent them is for STBXH to make arrangements for the day to day care of his DC, either voluntarily or because he's forced to, that don't involve you at all. Only if this is in place are you going to be able to have the nice coming round for tea, occasional day out in the holidays, fun adult relationship that's best for you and all three DC.