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Original poster

Being upset and angry because my ex's girlfriend pierced my daughter's ears?

380 replies

thecatmother · 17/08/2021 10:11

Basically, I co parent with my ex and it was his time with DD(9). Him and his GF took her away for a weeks break, all lovely. Yesterday she came home and was hiding her ears behind her hair, and also looking very sheepish. I had her on my lap, giving her a cuddle and realised that her ears got pierced.
I kept my cool and complimented the pretty earrings that she had in, but when I spoke to my ex later, he had no clue and he had to ask his GF. Apparently the GF went to the shops with my DD and thought it was a nice thing for them to do together.
My ex is apologetic, I'm just so upset. On top of that the earrings are just costume jewelry and now I need to take her to the proper place to make sure that the piercing is clean and healing.
We have never even talked about having her ears pierced, I feel that I was blindsided. I would have much preferred them to bond over a shopping or a fun activity, not over my child getting her ears pierced.
In front of DD I'm all positive, as obviously she is excited and feeling all glamorous, but I'm so sad inside.
I know it's only pierced ears, but I did cry last night.

OP posts:
scottgirl · 17/08/2021 10:15

Are you in Scotland? Parent or guardian must give permission for a child to have their ears pierced there.

TimeForTeaAndG · 17/08/2021 10:16

I'd be raging!

At least ex is also apologetic about it.

I'd be so tempted to have her done for assault of a minor but that might not stick/may be over the top.

Can you at least complain strongly to the shop that they allowed a minor to be pierced with permission of someone not her legal guardian/parent.

Hankunamatata · 17/08/2021 10:16

Does her school allow earrings?

MedusasBadHairDay · 17/08/2021 10:17

I'd be raging OP, that's not on at all

katemuff · 17/08/2021 10:17

I think that is illegal! I'd go to the shop and find out what happened. It's a serious abuse of trust.

Kiduknot · 17/08/2021 10:18

I’d be absolutely furious.

DistrustfulDinosaur · 17/08/2021 10:18

Very irresponsible of your ex and his girlfriend. At 9, surely she's unlikely to be able cope with the daily aftercare without help from a parent?

Vomtastical · 17/08/2021 10:18

That's terrible. I'd be livid.

LawnFever · 17/08/2021 10:18

@scottgirl

Are you in Scotland? Parent or guardian must give permission for a child to have their ears pierced there.
I’ve got a feeling it’s the same in England too.

I’d be upset too, that’s totally overstepping boundaries and where even pierces children’s ears without using hypoallergenic jewellery? Where did she get them done?

I’d be sending your ex the bill for the new earrings too.

CherieBabySpliffUp · 17/08/2021 10:18

Will she have to take them out when she goes back to school? If so, the holes will probably close up so that was a waste of money and pain for nothing!
How could your ex not have realised?? Shock

FeatheredHope · 17/08/2021 10:19

I would be raising merry hell with the shop that did it for a start.

Couldhavebeenme2 · 17/08/2021 10:19

Holy fuck op, I'd be going nuclear about that (mother of dd who got her ears pierced at 10)

How old is your dd? Where did she get it done?

girlmom21 · 17/08/2021 10:19

I think at 9 she's old enough to have said no if she didn't want them done but it's a massive betrayal of trust on his GF's part! I would be insisting she no longer spends time alone with DD.

Kiduknot · 17/08/2021 10:19

That’s actual physical assault.

edwinbear · 17/08/2021 10:20

I'd be absolutely raging too OP. How dare she assume the role of parent, making the decision that your DD could have them pierced, taking her, presumably expecting you to do all the required aftercare. Did she even discuss it with your ex or just unilaterally make the decision?

RubyGoat · 17/08/2021 10:20

Honestly I would tell your ex that his GF is not to have your DD on her own any more as she can't be trusted, & that you're looking into whether this was assault. Obviously it's up to you whether you actually want to pursue this route.

Also have words with the shop that did the piercing as they may have broken the law. Did they even check, your DD is demonstrably not related to the GF.

pinkyredrose · 17/08/2021 10:21

think that is illegal

How is it illegal? OP if your daughter wanted her ears pierced then let it go. If she was forced then obviously there's a problem.

lljkk · 17/08/2021 10:21

If your DD is happy then I would treat this lightly.

underneaththeash · 17/08/2021 10:22

@girlmom21 no she’s not! Have you only got very small children?
I would suggest to ex that he doesn’t let his girlfriend look after your DD alone from now on.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 17/08/2021 10:23

I would be furious and would be clear with ex that his girlfriend was not allowed to be alone with her again. I would consider this physical harm. I would also take photos and have everything written down and would go to the shop and ask what safeguarding they had in place for random people committing physical harm on a child, when they don’t have parental responsibility.

Meatshake · 17/08/2021 10:26

I would hate the piecing but also be concerned that there's an adult in your daughters life who is encouraging grown up behaviour and secrets from her parents. That's not a good thing at all.

How long have ex/gf been together? Is it an established relationship? I'd be wary of DD being treated like an accessory.

MaMelon · 17/08/2021 10:27

I’d be fucking furious - you’d have to be particularly dim not to realise that this is something you have to discuss with the parents first. This was not her place.

I would be making it very clear that while you’re happy for the GF to spend time with her any decisions about her appearance that can’t be altered by a change of clothes is discussed with you and your ex first.

Zzzzzzxxx · 17/08/2021 10:27

It dosn't sound like she went some where reputable as most won’t pierce under 12’s. I would make sure it wasn’t used with a gun. That’s an absolutely awful thing to do. I am a non violent person but I am not sure I would keep my cool if I was in your situation.

DustandDander · 17/08/2021 10:27

I'd be absolutely raging op I mean RAGING!! I'd take it further with no hesitation

ShingleBeach · 17/08/2021 10:28

I would be absolutely furious.

She had no right at all to make permanent physical changes to a child. Your ex and she need to be told very clearly that this was completely out of order.

I would be very sad too, I understand that. But find your anger!

I would also tell your Dd in a calm constructive way that while you don’t blame her she needs to know that only Mummy and Daddy make big decisions and that in future she needs to say ‘I need to ask Mum’ and that you trust her to do that if it is something she thinks you wouldn’t be happy with.

Did the gf pretend to be her Mum? In which case your Dd would have had to support that. Why was she sheepish?

Gf needs to be told her boundaries and that she seriously over stepped.

She sounds thick and irresponsible to do such a thing.