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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being upset and angry because my ex's girlfriend pierced my daughter's ears?

380 replies

thecatmother · 17/08/2021 10:11

Basically, I co parent with my ex and it was his time with DD(9). Him and his GF took her away for a weeks break, all lovely. Yesterday she came home and was hiding her ears behind her hair, and also looking very sheepish. I had her on my lap, giving her a cuddle and realised that her ears got pierced.
I kept my cool and complimented the pretty earrings that she had in, but when I spoke to my ex later, he had no clue and he had to ask his GF. Apparently the GF went to the shops with my DD and thought it was a nice thing for them to do together.
My ex is apologetic, I'm just so upset. On top of that the earrings are just costume jewelry and now I need to take her to the proper place to make sure that the piercing is clean and healing.
We have never even talked about having her ears pierced, I feel that I was blindsided. I would have much preferred them to bond over a shopping or a fun activity, not over my child getting her ears pierced.
In front of DD I'm all positive, as obviously she is excited and feeling all glamorous, but I'm so sad inside.
I know it's only pierced ears, but I did cry last night.

OP posts:
BrilloPaddy · 17/08/2021 12:06

You did really well keeping calm with your DD, and you should be really proud of yourself for that.

I'd remove them, and talk to both DD and your ex together saying that decisions about things like this are to be all decided on together in future ... and not events that happen at random without discussion.

Spanglemum · 17/08/2021 12:08

Personally I'd be more worried about the 'keeping it secret' element of this and the fact that the earrings aren't good quality, than the actual ear piercing. That's just.me though. They could have gone and got their nails painted or something if GF wanted to do girly stuff with her.

callmeadoctor · 17/08/2021 12:09

@thecatmother

Thank you everyone, so I am not being precious and overreacting. The GF is of an age where she can pass for being her mother, and that what pissed me off,as if she was her mother would she still make that decision??? I need to calm down before I talk to her, as my ex has already had words with her(I think). They went away on holiday to Devon, so far I got out of my daughter that it was in a nice place, but not Clairs , so probably some kind of beauty salon and not a professional piercing place. We are off to the proper place today, hopefully those little earrings haven't gotten attached to her ears, so we can change them without pain.
Can I just say that having ears pierced in a beauty salon is a professional place. (I am a beauty therapist and certainly had training to pierce, it will also be hygienic, don't forget salons do electrolysis etc)
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/08/2021 12:12

I would be livlid too. But you cannot pierce ears with 'costume jewellery'.

If you replace these earings with something that you choose, you will just be subjecting your child to unneccesary pain.

RevolvingPivot · 17/08/2021 12:12

In Claire's you do have to sign to say you agree to them having their ears pierced. I went with my mum and the assistant asked which one of us was mum. Mine have had them done their 3 times. At around £35/£70 I wouldn't remove them.

The dad needs to start paying more attention to what's happening with his daughter.

Poochnewbie1 · 17/08/2021 12:12

I second what @Meatshake said. I’d be frothing at the piercing and definitely worried that an adult is encouraging your dd to be secretive and encouraging more adult behaviour.

callmeadoctor · 17/08/2021 12:12

And taking the earrings out and changing them is definitely not recommended (unless she has had some sort of reaction which it doesn't sound like she has.)

callmeadoctor · 17/08/2021 12:15

I completely understand you being mad at the girlfriend, but really its done now. The piercings will probably be fine, however, yes I would be giving your dh and his girlfriend what for! Don't mess about with daughters ears now though.

SquirrelCrimbleCrumble · 17/08/2021 12:16

[quote trumpisagit]@SquirrelCrimbleCrumble But would you get a 9 year olds ears pierced without parents permission on the say so of the 9 year old. I hope not. [/quote]
No, I wouldn't

But the fact that the DD tried to keep them hidden when she got home leads me to believe that the GF isn't solely to blame

dontyouworrydontyouworrynow · 17/08/2021 12:16

Oh I'd be fuming.

Those earrings would be coming out to heal (with a 'you're not in trouble DD but mum wouldn't have let you have them done because it's too close to returning to school, sorry') and I would go nuclear with the GF. How dare she?!

I'd also contact the shop to check what consent was given and by 'who'.

Disgraceful behaviour.

me4real · 17/08/2021 12:17

YANBU Shock Take them out, don't just let it slide, or it'll be letting the GF and your ex know they can do stuff and you'll just shrug and go 'oh well, it's done now.'

Ducksurprise · 17/08/2021 12:18

OP, this needs to be the LAST TIME this woman sees your daughter

And how do you plan to enforce this?

diddl · 17/08/2021 12:20

"But the fact that the DD tried to keep them hidden when she got home leads me to believe that the GF isn't solely to blame"

She is entirely to blame as she is the adult!

olidora63 · 17/08/2021 12:21

She is not the parent and has absolutely no right to consent to anything on the parents behalf! I would be furious and would take it further. She would definitely not be allowed to care for my child unless the father present at all times. She clearly has very poor judgement and is probably quite stupid generally!

Boredmotherofone · 17/08/2021 12:24

@Ducksurprise

OP, this needs to be the LAST TIME this woman sees your daughter

And how do you plan to enforce this?

Supervised contact only for the father. HE was the one responsible for his child when this took place. He failed her.
Lweji · 17/08/2021 12:27

I would try to find out what happened from your daughter.
If it is something she has asked of you before and you said no, I would be very angry with her.
She is 9 and should know better.

SpaceshiptoMars · 17/08/2021 12:27

I can understand that this is pretty hurtful, because I'm sure you would have loved to have done this with DD yourself when she was older.

However, if this is a GF that is likely to stick around, it might be wiser to take the long view. Take a 100 deep breaths, and then write out the list of reasons why you're not happy with this. Try not to write it sounding like angry parent to naughty child - just facts, school rules, health issues, consent etc - plus how hurtful it was to take that decision out of your hands.

When you're sure the list isn't inflammatory, send it to your ex and ask him to have a proper sit down talk about it with GF.

SycamoreGap · 17/08/2021 12:28

I'd be more worried that your DD tried to hide it from you and if she had been encouraged to do so by the GF.

Does your DD know how to look after and clean her ears? Even if you didn't know in advance I would expect your ex to return her with instructions on how to care for her piercing and the equipment to do it.

I also agree that they need to come our until she is older.

RedMarauder · 17/08/2021 12:29

@Boredmotherofone How realistically do you expect it to be enforced?

me4real · 17/08/2021 12:29

But the fact that the DD tried to keep them hidden when she got home leads me to believe that the GF isn't solely to blame

@SquirrelCrimbleCrumble The 9 year old couldn'tve got them done at a shop by walking in by herself. If a child said they wanted it and said 'mum says it's ok' then the grown up GF should've qeried t with the ex and OP's ex should've rung and check, anyone with a brain would.

FrankieDoyle · 17/08/2021 12:31

I would go fucking nuclear.

AngelicaSchuylerAndHerSisters · 17/08/2021 12:31

Places like Claire’s absolutely pierce ears with poor quality costume jewellery. My DD had an allergic reaction to her earrings, and they were swollen and full of pus. I took her to the doctor and was told it was the poor quality of the metal, so we had to remove them and her ears closed up.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/08/2021 12:33

@RevolvingPivot

The dad needs to start paying more attention to what's happening with his daughter

Good point!

AngelicaSchuylerAndHerSisters · 17/08/2021 12:35

And whether a 9 year old DD asked or even begged her dad’s gf, it was none of her business and she should have left it to the parents. I would be absolutely furious.

putthebinsout · 17/08/2021 12:37

Gf did wrong and I'd be LIVID but all the "that's the last time this woman sees your dd" people... come on!

It's her dad's girlfriend... they might even live together. I don't think OP wants to (or even has the legal right to) make rules about who her dd sees when she's with her dad. It's entirely up to her dad.

Much better to calmly deal with the situation and come up with some ground rules together and look for a way forward.