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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Being upset and angry because my ex's girlfriend pierced my daughter's ears?

380 replies

thecatmother · 17/08/2021 10:11

Basically, I co parent with my ex and it was his time with DD(9). Him and his GF took her away for a weeks break, all lovely. Yesterday she came home and was hiding her ears behind her hair, and also looking very sheepish. I had her on my lap, giving her a cuddle and realised that her ears got pierced.
I kept my cool and complimented the pretty earrings that she had in, but when I spoke to my ex later, he had no clue and he had to ask his GF. Apparently the GF went to the shops with my DD and thought it was a nice thing for them to do together.
My ex is apologetic, I'm just so upset. On top of that the earrings are just costume jewelry and now I need to take her to the proper place to make sure that the piercing is clean and healing.
We have never even talked about having her ears pierced, I feel that I was blindsided. I would have much preferred them to bond over a shopping or a fun activity, not over my child getting her ears pierced.
In front of DD I'm all positive, as obviously she is excited and feeling all glamorous, but I'm so sad inside.
I know it's only pierced ears, but I did cry last night.

OP posts:
nevernotstruggling · 17/08/2021 11:38

Is he upset but I wouldn't want my dd to feel like she's done something wrong.

pommedeterre · 17/08/2021 11:38

I got dd1's ears pierced with her this summer (11). It was a nice thing to do together and I would have felt sad to not be with her when she got them done. YANBU to be sad.

Also, your ex must not let GF and DD go out alone again. End of. She fucked up.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 17/08/2021 11:38

Yanbu I'd be furious.

You don't damage a child's body without parents permission!!!

ddl1 · 17/08/2021 11:43

I don't really like the idea of children under 12 getting their ears pierced at all - and many places won't do it - but if both child and parent want it, that's their decision. But certainly not without a parent's permission! Apparently, she didn't even bother to let your ex know. Sounds quite thick, even if well-meaning.

I wouldn't take it to court, but I agree with MaMelon:

I would be making it very clear that while you’re happy for the GF to spend time with her any decisions about her appearance that can’t be altered by a change of clothes is discussed with you and your ex first.

Ozanj · 17/08/2021 11:43

DD and GF should never have unsupervised time together. It’s not about the piercing - it’s doing it in secret. Talk to your ex and work out a plan.

LittleOwl153 · 17/08/2021 11:43

Having just got my (12yr old) daughters ears pierced this week I think you have 2 options with regard the ears. No reputable place is going to touch those earrings now as they would be deemed liable for any issues afterwards.

So you either decide to let her keep them - and then make sure they are looked after. She should have stud earrings in which are solid enough for school and she should have a lotion or at least some instructions for bathing them.

Or you could choose to take them out. They will heal assuming its not more than 3 weeks since they were done. It might make it more difficult for her to have them done in the future depending on how long ago they were done though.

I would insist on at least copies of the paperwork that the piercing place provided. This should include what she has signed. That will give you an idea as you whether they are reputable/licenced. And should also tell you what has been put in the ears.

As for the girlfriend yes I would be raging. And I would be saying to her dad that would will seek to take him to court to bar access if he cannot rein in the girlfriend and ensure that she does not have this level of unsupervised access if she is going to be so stupid.

Edinvillian · 17/08/2021 11:44

Not sure if it illegal or just normal practice but our local tattoo parlour wouldn't pierce my daughters ears without me going in to give permission, even though my dad (her granda) was with her. (I knew they were going and she was 16). They wouldn't even take permission over the phone, I had to nip out from work to sign the form.
I would be absolutely furious if so was you.

notanothertakeaway · 17/08/2021 11:44

@Kazplus2

I personally would remove the earrings and advise your daughter that she can have them do e when she is older and when both you and her dad are in agreement. This would be the best way of letting the GF know who is in charge but also lets your daughter know that big decisions need to be approved by a parent and not their partner.
I agree with this
5128gap · 17/08/2021 11:48

To look at this another way, this happened on her father's watch, when it is his right to make decisions about his child. For all he is denying knowledge, you don't know for sure he didn't agree, and on balance of probability I'd bet he did. You may have an issue with him as to why he allowed it without discussing it with you, but all this blame of the GF and talk from posters about ,'taking it further' and 'assault' is nonsense really, as if it came to it he would probably back his GF and say he had agreed. After all, he's not furious or seeing it as assault is he? I also think any insistence the GF doesn't see DD alone would come to nothing, as again it's up to her Dad. For all the drama about assault, no one would consider ear piercing if her father claimed he had agreed, to fall into this category. DD is happy and thats what matters. I think it was great you hid your feelings from her, and i do think it was really insensitive of the GF.

putthebinsout · 17/08/2021 11:49

You need to ask to see a copy of the consent form because usually it asks for the relationship of the adult to the child. So she either lied and said mother, or they didn't check.

That said, I'm not sure how feasible it is that piercing places should fully check for parental responsibility. I assume your daughter gave consent and was happy to have the piercings? If a woman walks in with a happy child that she clearly knows and is in charge of, I don't think the salon can do very much.

The blame is on the gf here. She didn't even ask the father ffs! Awful.

MindyStClaire · 17/08/2021 11:49

I think you're right to be calm with your DD, but I would be apoplectic. The GF needs to understand that she can't make parental decisions for your DD, or encourage secrets.

Boredmotherofone · 17/08/2021 11:50

I would remove the earrings and let them heal up (keep wiping with alcohol pads). Yes, this is possible before anyone tries it. I know, because I had it happen to me.

OP, this needs to be the LAST TIME this woman sees your daughter

Queenoftheashes · 17/08/2021 11:50

I remember when this happened on Friends. Agree with suggestion the ex doesn’t get any unsupervised time with DD. Will prevent this again and also neutralise her weird power play.

putthebinsout · 17/08/2021 11:50

I wonder if dd lied that gf was mum

Boredmotherofone · 17/08/2021 11:54

@SmokeyDevil

She definitely should not have done that. Even if your ex has had words with her, you should too.

I would imagine the shop assumed she was the mother and just handed her the permission form. Their bad for not checking, but then how offended would an actual mother be if they got asked 'is this your kid?'. Only takes one wrong person to ask and the shop will be sued and closed down.

The shop would be sued & closed down because a mother took offence at being asked if she was the child's real mother? Hahahaha! No, lawsuits don't work like that love. However, they could be closed down for not making sure the adult the child is with, is their real parent Hmm
phishy · 17/08/2021 11:54

This is time to go ape shit at ex's GF.

ancientgran · 17/08/2021 11:55

It isn't just about taking the earrings out or not, although I would take them out, it is about trust. I wouldn't want her having time with my DD after a stunt like that.

Imapotato · 17/08/2021 11:56

I’d be fuming. It also worrying that your dd felt she needed to hide it from you.

The fact that her dad didn’t even know is also a worry. It would be one thing if he had given the go ahead, annoying, but as her parent he could. I think you need to have a talk about boundaries before she’s allowed to spend time with your dd again.

LittleBearPad · 17/08/2021 11:56

I’d be livid.

I’d also take the earrings out and let them heal.

A lesson on deception for both your daughter and the girlfriend is needed I think.

diddl · 17/08/2021 11:56

@putthebinsout

I wonder if dd lied that gf was mum
They might not even have been asked-just seen that she was with an adult.
HumousWhereTheHeartIs · 17/08/2021 11:58

YANBU I would be furious. My ex's gf took my daughter to the hairdresser and had a fringe cut (to give my DD the same hairstyle as her) which I thought overstepped the mark, but this is worse

User57327259 · 17/08/2021 11:58

So many PPs are not happy about a child having their ears pierced when with the GF of the ExDP.

Many years ago one of my DCs was with their step parent, I was in the late stages of pregnancy and my now ExH took my DC to have their ears pierced. This was against my wishes and it also affected other areas of my DC's life in that they could not take part in sports for a while and it was against school rules. I was told I was fussing about nothing.

The responses here make me feel that I was right to take the views that I did.

SquirrelCrimbleCrumble · 17/08/2021 11:59

You don't know that DD didn't tell GF that she had permission

Everyone is assuming an awful lot on this thread, GF is being demonized quite unfairly in my opinion.

And before anyone comments that I must not have experience, I'm a step-mum (have been for 14 years). I also have a 9 year old DD and I can absolutely imagine my DD blagging whoever she was with that I'd be ok with her having her ears pierced...

I think OP needs to take a step back and calm down a bit. It's really not that big a deal so long as they were pierced properly and safely.

trumpisagit · 17/08/2021 12:03

@SquirrelCrimbleCrumble But would you get a 9 year olds ears pierced without parents permission on the say so of the 9 year old. I hope not.

Gwenhwyfar · 17/08/2021 12:05

"Not sure if it illegal or just normal practice but our local tattoo parlour wouldn't pierce my daughters ears without me going in to give permission, even though my dad (her granda) was with her. (I knew they were going and she was 16). They wouldn't even take permission over the phone, I had to nip out from work to sign the form."

But they didn't ask for the birth certificate so it was still your word that you were the mother? If it's not usual to ask for proof of parentage, surely it's the gf's fault for pretending to be the parent (if she did) than the shop's fault.

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